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Original poster

Yet another date that went nowhere.

201 replies

UnaCorda · 03/08/2020 19:40

Aaargh. Had OLD #7,023 yesterday. I liked him. Of course he's not been in touch. He's not going to contact me, is he?

So fed up of this. I've been single forever. Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? Most people I know didn't even have to resort to OLD, and most of those who did seem to have got together with the first person they met.

I don't want to be alone forever. It sucks.

OP posts:
Fatted · 05/08/2020 23:47

You sound hard work OP. Stop playing games, if you like him, text him and let him know. Why should he be the one doing all of the chasing?

Original poster
UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 23:50

@Fatted

You sound hard work OP. Stop playing games, if you like him, text him and let him know. Why should he be the one doing all of the chasing?
I'm not playing games at all. When he's written I've replied - I just want to give him the opportunity to show he's interested.
OP posts:
Original poster
UnaCorda · 05/08/2020 23:51

I wrote first after the date - I think that's plenty of chasing from me at this stage, given the date was on Sunday.

OP posts:
Stella8686 · 06/08/2020 00:04

@UnaCorda I don't think you're game playing at all!

It's such a fine line between coming on too strong or being not interested.

I have endlessly chatted with some guys.

Others I know aren't big texters so I give them space/ let them initiate.

There are days I will keep the texts short because I'm too tired for a long text

It's a minefield

If you're not OLD you don't get it

gottastopeatingchocolate · 06/08/2020 07:40

I'm not OLD, so maybe that's why I don't get it, as PP says.

But it reads to me like you need something from this man - after one date - that he doesn't seem to be giving. You seem to want novel-worthy passion. He seems interested (to me) but way more casual. Who knows why? He could be shy, hurt, just not that type of person... really that isn't important. He is what he is, and you seem to need a bit more "fire" than you are seeing.

Personally, I'm not sure how realistic your expectations are for date one - but as I said, I am not OLD. In your situation, I would be having a bit of an audit of my expectations. If he isn't meeting them, then no amount of waiting for him will change that.

I imagine that with OLD, most first dates go nowhere, but hopefully you'll find someone that clicks for you?

rookiemere · 06/08/2020 08:06

I don't think OPs expectations are too high - she's looking for someone to meet in RL not a pen pal.

OP I don't think it's going anywhere with this guy. If he really wanted to see you again, he'd suggest a date and place when you threw out your message - not fanny around with fake night night sweetheart.

You could try one more time, say so when are we meeting again ? If he doesn't come back fairly sharpish with specifics, then bin.

Eesha · 06/08/2020 08:11

Op, I personally would always expect a message to check I'm home ok or a reply to my saying thank you. Essentially some sort of quick messaging post date.

Once I acknowledged I had these expectations to myself, I included it in my profile ie regular communication, then it really did help me sift people out. I do believe if someone likes you, they will make it very clear early on.

crimsonlake · 06/08/2020 08:19

Please do not message him again, he is clearly not interested.
Brush yourself down and say...next.

FirelighterGirl · 06/08/2020 10:07

I've been following this and quite frankly if I was him I'd be ditching you. You are so so sceptical and almost wanting him to be the cunt that is not replying. If he doesn't reply for any reason or takes too long (how dare he be in all day and not reply!!) then your default rhetorical question is "he's not interested is he".

I'd be running for the hills if I was him tbh.

FirelighterGirl · 06/08/2020 10:09

It's the issue with messaging where it's time stamped or you can see if someone has read a message or been online recently.

It's ok to have another life outside of dating.

If you were my date, I'd be gone.

fortunacookie · 06/08/2020 10:41

Some people are maybe not as cold as you Firelightergirl Hmm

coronaway · 06/08/2020 11:00

I agree with @firelightergirl

Dating is difficult enough so why make it even harder for yourself?

Original poster
UnaCorda · 06/08/2020 12:04

@FirelighterGirl

I've been following this and quite frankly if I was him I'd be ditching you. You are so so sceptical and almost wanting him to be the cunt that is not replying. If he doesn't reply for any reason or takes too long (how dare he be in all day and not reply!!) then your default rhetorical question is "he's not interested is he".

I'd be running for the hills if I was him tbh.

I think that's a bit harsh (and this isn't AIBU!). Yes I'm sceptical because of past experiences, and yes I'm ranting a bit here, but I've not been expressing that to him. When he did message I replied within half an hour and we just had a friendly chat - I didn't berate him for not being in touch earlier or more frequenty.

When I mentioned him being in all day I was merely reporting what his message said. My concern was more that I didn't hear from him in the evening (until after 10pm).

I can't really tell if he's interested, and people seem to be split. I think he's been in touch a reasonable amount after one date, but otoh he hasn't confirmed a second date.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnaCorda · 06/08/2020 12:06

But it reads to me like you need something from this man - after one date - that he doesn't seem to be giving. You seem to want novel-worthy passion.

Well that's obviously how it's come across, but no, I'm not expecting that (and that would be a bit of a red flag at this stage). Just clarity - ideally in the form of a second date.

OP posts:
FirelighterGirl · 06/08/2020 12:29

Up thread I've actively encouraged OP to get in touch and take control. Despite Doug this and getting a response it's not enough for her.

Life to short to mess about with people who can't be assertive about what they want.

Not cold just can't be arsed with games

FirelighterGirl · 06/08/2020 12:31

Op

I'm on your side here but I encourage you to find what's important to you. Look at your values and what you want from a relationship

Do you want a man to be in the lead to provide reassurance all the time? If so, why?

Do you really like him or perhaps he's been a good option in a ocean with few viable fish?

Only you and he can work this out. Don't go on the opinion of those on the internet

Stella8686 · 06/08/2020 12:51

@UnaCorda I am in the same situation as you.

I would advise you to keep chatting with him. Keep it light. But definitely start chatting with other people too. It'll take your mind off analysing every message. Btw I do that too! It's hard! Everyone is a little different in how they text and message.

I'm chatting with a new guy and I like him but I'm a bit cooler with him at the moment. Waiting to learn more about him.

Keep going and chat to as many as you can be bothered to put in time with x

Original poster
UnaCorda · 06/08/2020 13:26

I'm on your side here but I encourage you to find what's important to you. Look at your values and what you want from a relationship.

You're being a little aggressive, if you don't mind me saying so, for someone who claims to be on my side...

Do you want a man to be in the lead to provide reassurance all the time? If so, why?

No, not all the time. All I want at this stage is for him either to say, "Sorry, I don't think I want to pursue this," or, "I'd like to see you again [which he has said] so let's meet on x date [which he hasn't]."

Do you really like him or perhaps he's been a good option in a ocean with few viable fish?

I like him enough that I'd like the opportunity to see him again. There are no other "fish" at the moment, although I have written to a few other people.

Only you and he can work this out. Don't go on the opinion of those on the internet.

This is true.

OP posts:
dafodilsunflower · 06/08/2020 13:36

I don't know if this helps but after a lot of online dates and short relationships where I've felt hurt and rejected I've changed my way of thinking about dating. It's changed my mindset.

I'm upfront from the beginning about what I want

I can be happy on my own and if I don't meet anyone else I like so be it

I have boundaries and make them clear if pushed. For example, I don't want anything casual and won't go to someone's house on a first date.

Try to think of yourself as someone of value who deserves the best.

As for the dating thread, I felt like I was talking to myself. I'm sure it works for some people but I got no response. Don't get me wrong, I think Mumsnet is great overall.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 06/08/2020 13:56

Thanks @dafodilsunflower.

Try to think of yourself as someone of value who deserves the best.

This is something I'm very bad at and I think that underpins my difficulty with dating, especially OLD and its very particular "rules".

OP posts:
FirelighterGirl · 06/08/2020 15:04

@UnaCorda

Thanks *@dafodilsunflower*.

Try to think of yourself as someone of value who deserves the best.

This is something I'm very bad at and I think that underpins my difficulty with dating, especially OLD and its very particular "rules".

This ^

And I don't intend to be aggressive.. apologies.

Point taken for future postings.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 06/08/2020 15:32

This ^ And I don't intend to be aggressive.. apologies. Point taken for future postings.

Thanks - appreciated. I know I'm coming across as very hard work, and I know neither this guy nor anyone on here is to blame for any of my previous experiences. But I am trying to rein it in when I'm in touch with him, and I am quite sane and nice, really...

Unfortunately, although I can cope well with a lot of situations, this is one I really struggle with and it's largely - or maybe entirely - down to my generally shit self-esteem (thanks, Dad!).

N.B. Please don't suggest therapy - been there, done that, got the whole damn wardrobe.

OP posts:
dafodilsunflower · 06/08/2020 15:38

@UnaCorda we can but try Thanks

BlokeHereInPeace · 06/08/2020 16:13

Yeah, you sound like a good person. His loss if he doesn't do the right things, though it's legitimate to say that you prefer talking for real than WhatsApp so now about next week on Thurs at wherever etc etc

Good luck.

FirelighterGirl · 06/08/2020 16:17

"N.B. Please don't suggest therapy - been there, done that, got the whole damn wardrobe"

This made me smile 😊