Sick of my mums digs

[Chocolateoo]

My parents drive me mad because I don't keep my home/garden how they did.

My dad is a carpenter, joiner, builder, landscape gardener, farmer, garden ornament maker. He has done all these jobs In the 30 years I've been around. He can also do tiling, painting and vegetable growing. He is naturally good at a variety of things.

My partner is really good at technology. He's in a well paid job. He's worked really hard to get where he is.

My mum has zero skills. She's a kept women and has been for 35+++ years. She's not done anything my entire life to contribute to my dad's beautiful gardens and home projects. She's always cleaned the house and sorted shopping.

We have a weird shaped garden and it's just simple and has no plants/flowers. It's just somewhere for the kids to play. Neither of us have a clue how to make such a weird shape look nice. It's all on different levels and it's a triangle. Plus we can't afford to do anything to it right now. Plus we have not got the time due to jobs, kids and limited time.

My parents have both, but especially my mum dig at us. Last night my mum showed me a photo of me in our beautiful garden full of flowers. I made a joke about our rubbish garden. She joined in but kept going. She said yes get your messy garden sorted. Get it cleaned up (move your bins???) Get your friggin grass cut (it gets cut!) Get it weeded and get all your crap to the tip....you can also put bits in your bin each week.

I politely told her she's just lucky she's married somebody who does these things and told her my partner has a different skill set. She said well kick his arse then. Get him squared up!!!

This sort of conversation has happened too many times to count. She even rang me on holiday last year. Dad went around to put my bin out and moaned I had two binbags at the side of it to go in after its emptied and a cardboard box. I ended up with her advising me about the tip and things again. I reminded her that they were allowed to put unlimited bags out on the curbs in the 90s. So when they were in the thick of having young children and lots of nappies it was easy for her. I had had a clear out which in turn filled the bin up.

She also bangs on about how the house was Always tidy when we were little. Drives me mad because she had us 1 year apart. So we went through every stage together. My kids have a 3 year gap so I've always been in 2 stages.

I'm just fed up of her being so ignorant when due to my dad's skillset she's able to have nice things due to not needing to pay out for tradesmen. It costs us alot more for that reason alone.

What does your dad say?

Have you challenged her?

Sounds like a great reason to ask your Dad around to help you and your husband do a few jobs. Your mum can mind the kids since she's so offended by your garden.

Yes you'd think they'd help me but no chance! Dad's not fit enough anymore and slowly retiring. But he does his own things still. My dad's a little bit the same. They can't come around without making comments. They've only been around approximately 6 times since 2015! I don't invite them for the reason they make me feel a failure.

Funnily enough they've never been to my sisters House. She won't let them in! They've seen her garden from the roadside!

Its likely your Dad could do his garden based stuff because your mum covered all the indoor jobs and all the child rearing. House and children based skills are a skill set in their own right - cooking, balancing finances when food shopping, running the household, child rearing.

In your shoes I’d sit both mum and dad down and say you have had enough of the put downs and they must stop immediately. You and DH work hard and the garden/house is low priority. They need to accept this and stop commenting.

With draw and don’t engage in conversation when she starts next time. Change the topic Or leave

If it’s that bad best go quiet and disengage every time there’s poor behaviour. And it needs to be every time. So cancel existing commitments to create a break. Pavlovs dogs. After a few cycles they will put two and two together and realise that critical words means a fortnight or week or month of no contact.

I was going to say do you have to have them over so much bit then realised you onky see them once a year!

My dad is similar, but lives nearby. However with him there's other issues too so we've reduced contact (and usefully corona!)

Do you chat on the phone much? It can be hard when our parents aren't who we want them to (have been) be. And comstant criticism is hard.

Some people are like it for something to talk about though. When my dad used to visit his dad and vice versa they'd always take a stroll of the garden and comment in new plants /recent works.

I could have written your post OP. My parents are exactly the same. They make negative comments on my house/ garden all the time, they never both just day it looks nice. We had the house renovated and they picked holes in all the builders works, and never once said it looked nice. We're having the garden renovated atm and they are picking holes in the work. I pop to my parents house and mum says my car is dirty.. or 'I can see you've cleaned it outside but not inside'. Or of its clean inside and out then she moans about the superficial scratches on it. I feel like a let down all the time. Dad moans ive still not had the electric wing mirror fixed - it works, just no longer folds it. Hes been moaning about that for 4 years. Its the last thing on the huge list of house/garden/car things. Like you, my parents have the time and skills to have a perfect house, plus they dont have kids at home anymore. Sorry, no words of advice but I understand how you feel xx

"Funnily enough they've never been to my sisters House. She won't let them in! They've seen her garden from the roadside!"

I was not really surprised to read that above comment. Have you ever wondered what drove her to make such decisions?. She likely tried with them for years too.

You will ultimately have to do that too. Its not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them that way.

Thanks for the replies. I forgot to add I'm currently a sahm. But will be going back into work when my son starts school. We will then have some more money. We try and keep it respectable. But the last two years especially have been so full on. We've focused on the obvious like washing clothes, caring for the kids and allowing ourselves to take the weekends easy if we want too. My partner's job is 12 hour days including travel. Plus evening overtime if needed.

We had our conservatory roof tiled last year. We had the windows changed and things. Like pp said, they only came around to inspect the plastering and my mum made sure on Facebook everyone knew my dad had built the original building 20 years ago.

I wonder if my mum just does it to make herself better than me because she doesn't go out much and has minimal interests. She's lived to do housework but I think she takes for granted that she would not have had any of the extensions, fancy fish ponds and flower beds if my dad hasn't learned those skills as a teenager. He's very skilled. But she seems to act like everyone should be capable of doing the same.

The other week out button flush toilet snapped and my dad came around to look. Him and my partner were able to reconnect it all and get it working. My mum that night told me we were bluddy useless and can't do anything! She was laughing. But she's hiding behind my dad's skills again as she wouldn't have known either. She made me feel like I should have been able to do it straight away with no thought.

I never get told anything nice. She told my daughter yesterday mummy needs to iron your dress. She never says how are you all? She usually starts the conversation with insults like, your hair needs brushing, you did lock your door didn't you because I know what you are like! (Don't understand this either) forgot my keys were in my partner's car once 4 years ago! Happens to everyone doesn't it?

It's the same with when we are trying to decorate. They thought 3 hours was enough last year to watch our kids whilst we popped to look around a castle locally and put our final layer of paint on the walls when we got back. They are really unhelpful but full of bossy opinions and advice.

Mum just hit a nerve last night. I've had two small kids at home since march. Our money's dropped due to Coronavirus and partner can't do overtime. She seems to think we've got loads of time to do projects to keep up with their standards.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Unfortunately my sister does struggle. They are always skint. She's always helping her partner with his business so there house has massively gone to a cluttered mess. It is a mess! But her parents should be supportive. My other sister also gets slagged off for her home by them. Yet hers is fine. Same level as mine. She doesn't have kids though. She has a nice little garden. She just doesn't spend her whole life perfecting everything.

I should also add my dad's a perfectionist. The draining board has to be shined after every wash up. Towels are folded in a set way. I washed some clothes for them the other week. Perfectly capable of pegging them out. He still move things into different lines!! So weird. But I think he must be abit ocd? Not sure though. He always keeps the windows clean and his car too. Very routined. I'm the opposite I guess but I am trying my best.

I know for a fact when my little one is at school it will be lovely and tidy here. It just is the stage.

So tell her.

Next time she starts up, interrupt and ask her if it's possible for her to have one conversation with you, where she doesn't constantly criticise. Point out that it's becoming very wearing when every single interaction with her is negative, and that it doesn't make you look forward to speaking with her.

I get constant criticism from my dad and new partner. It's certainly not jealousy (we live in ex council place, low income, they are v well off.)

We've taken to not asking him to help at all. We would either pay for it to be done or ask a friend!

I just dont get why they're like it. They were so critical when I had small children. Once I was so exhausted (youngets had sleep apnea, husband worked away) ans just asked them to help, and they were so indignant, "you chose to have children!" And apprently if I was back at work all would have been okay. I couldnt even walk straight never mind get a job!

Do you live in their old house? Maybe it's just they preferred how it looked then?

Honestly just speak to them and tell them how it makes you feel.

I don't like terms like 'kept woman' and you saying all she did was the shopping - she probably carried a mental load and if the tables were turned does anyone call a SAHD a kept man?

I'm a bit older than you but can relate. My mum worked full time and was a lone parent but kept an immaculate house. But she got council housing. She didn't have to pay for wraparound care. She didn't have to do endless activities at the weekend because we just played out with our friends, so she had more time. I was eligible for free school meals as well even though my mum had a good job. I feel working single parents had it easier in the 1980s, so it grates on my nerves too. Nowadays we get no help and society's expectations around child rearing have changed, we're much more involved. I bet you played independently a lot so your parents had more time for keeping house and home pristine

Somehow you have to claim the confidence back for yourself, that she has been eroding away all this time. My guess is that this is all about her, nothing to do with you, therefore she will always find fault. Something inside her needs feeding and she has to make a these comments to feed it. In other words, even if you lived in a show home she'd find just as much wrong with it.

Understandably as its your mum, it gets to you. And she's probably always been like this, or at least, ever since to you left.

There is nothing wrong with your housekeeping or with you. Your mother obviously has a terrible problem with her manners, unfortunately.

From the outside it is easy to say 'oh just laugh it off, roll your eyes and say " ugh here she goes again" but I realise it probably isn't that easy.

I would recommend you don't start mentally arguing with her though, as you are doing in your posts. It isn't based in logic, so don't waste your mental energy challenging her points. They aren't based in any objective reality about your home or hers, its all inside her head in my opinion.

@yesterdaystotalsteps123

Funny you said about playing on our own. Yes we did! We were out on a farm playing from 4 in the fields.

Then moved to a town and from six years old I was allowed just out the front. Then by 8 years old I was biking around with friends and at the parks and at friends houses. We did no activities and myum never took us to the park.

I didn't mean she's a kept women to be horrible. She's had it easy due to my dad providing. I started school in 1993 so since then she's always been home or able to go shopping. My dad's done loads to their houses over the years. So she's never had to worry about paying a builder £3000 labour. Or working out if you can trust the plasterer to do a good job. I think she would understand more if she had married an office bloke who had different skills but couldn't knock walls out and things. She's married a tradesman and that's why she has what she has. I don't mean to put her down. I wouldn't need to if she wasn't so rude.

Yes I'm in one of their old houses. I paid for it myself though. It will be abit of that. But I think she's like it with everyone so she just seems to think everyone should be doing these things.

I do think she sounds a bit jealous of you TBH. Although as you say she was a housewife/Mum, maybe she felt that she was working her butt off for a "spotless " house ,and it went unnoticed or that DF was too busy to help with DC or go on days out as a family?You and your DP have a good plan as to taking it easy on W/E when you have worked hard all week .Also Tech skills are very much needed and more expensive to source than a Plumber!I would carry on as you are .Next time she says anything ,just say "look Mum ,We love you but you always find something wrong here ,we are doing our best you know!John has worked hard in his job and we like to take it easy at W/E and have fun with DC ,and if you need help with Computer ,we are your guys!likewise we know DF is good with his hands ! and will help us out"

V concerned that she now seems to have a free pass to put down your child and you in front of your child. That has to stop and YOU are responsible for ensuring your child is never exposed to criticism and negativity. Your child also doesn’t need their mum to be feel bullied, small and under attack - because they pick up and internalise that anxiety and stress. They need a bright positive happy confident parent and anyone or any situation that saps you of this has to Ben dealt with.

I agree with PP this is all in your DM head - it’s her only status and identity in life - but it’s not your - so give it back.

@dottiedodah

It could well be. When my dad was a farmer we lived in the middle of a country lane on a farm. No buses or towns near by. We did our shop at the village shop as my dad only had one weekend a month he could leave the farm. Then we would go to a big Morrisons and get loads of bulkier items to stock up. We only did it a year then moved to a town.

I can't really remember the toddler years with us though. I remember our house was tidy from aged 7 but by then we were at school.

I think once mine are both at school I will find my own routine and things will get done. When they are not constantly needing watching we will be able to enjoy projects more. But you can get on in the garden with two year olds. When we cut the grass the other parents keeps the kids inside.

I wish she would stop. I did try last night to make her see she had different circumstances. Maybe by house is slightly messier than theirs. But I don't like to think I'm a slob because my windows are fingerprinted and there's toddler toys everywhere. It's not dirt and we can easily get it tidied in 2 hours if people are coming over. But yeah random knocks on the door may catch us out some days and we'd look like pigs. But we are not. We have done bits to every room in the last few years. We've had new carpets, freshened the walls and has building work done. But it's far from a dream. We are at the stage where I've decided no cushions, no ornaments and throws until the kids get older. The next time we do the living room up it will be a to that will be respected and therefore it will look nicer.

Sorry I feel I'm rambling.

You don't need to defend your house to us, her- or yourself OP. We know your house is fine, and you need to know that too. Stop worrying about the house!

Perhaps you should think of your mums constant digs as her 'hobby'. She really ought to get a better one, but she probably won't, sadly.

But you don't have to join in her hobby!

All of us on here know your house is fine. It's not about the house

I wish she would stop. I did try last night to make her see she had different circumstances.

Tell her. Don't bother trying to explain to her - she's not interested. Just tell her that it's bloody rude to constantly criticise people, and that you are unhappy with the fact that she's spent years putting you and your family down. Point out that if she wants a good relationship with her daughter and grandchildren, then being nicer would be a good start - because if she can't manage it then you will simply see less of her.

You need to challenge her and your dad every time they do this.

You don’t need to justify, explain or defend that your lives are different to her - that’s not relevant.

What is relevant is that she is repeatedly rude and critical and it brings you down.

So if you continue to see her ask her to

“Stop criticising my home - it’s v rude and hurtful. If you start up again I will ask you to leave.”

And mean it. She needs boundaries and YOU need to tell her. It doesn’t have to get heated. Keep calm - just be ready to rinse and repeat.

No doubt you will get the DARVO process (defend, attack, reverse victim and offender) and the blow up, bluster - “I was only trying to help. Don’t tell me off. If you kept it better I wouldn’t have to say anything. You have upset ME”

Expect the bluster - weather it. Hope that it will stop her behaviour and if not show her the door.

However I suspect that deep down you do want her approval and to live up to her standards. And I suspect that you got v little approval and emotional nourishment as a child from them.

Take strength that you are prioritising your DCs emotional development and giving your time to a loving, calm, positive and peaceful home with snuggles and joy over naff garden projects and immaculate skirting boards.

Chocolate00 Well I think your house sounds great! I am not a "spotless " person and have dogs and older DC.. We have blankets ,open fire (with guard obv) and rugs (also have smeary french windows!) So she might have something to say if she came round here! I think even as adults we are always trying to please our parents! Maybe say how about meeting for a picnic , at the park /a day out at a beauty spot /shopping or going round theirs ? Then you wont always feel under pressure to present a "perfect" home to them .

I think you've hit the bail on the head about deep down wanting approval or the need to justify/explain.

Im trying to stop doing that. But it's so hard!

I guess it's very natural to want to please your parents. They are the people you expect to cheer you on and be proud of you. When they tell you that you are not doing well at something it makes you feel useless.

Luckily I know my mum's got a strange attitude towards affection and love. She finds it hard to be kind and loving. She prefers sarcasm and laughter, usually at one of our expenses. She actually never wanted kids either. She wasn't born to be a mum. I think she knows how to meet the basic needs and she protects and doesn't abuse. But that's it. She can't be bothered with the closeness, help and support.

Sometimes she makes me feel so frustrated though because I wonder why she can't open her eyes and see how other women treat their adult children.