Sick of my mums digs

[Chocolateoo]

My parents drive me mad because I don't keep my home/garden how they did.

My dad is a carpenter, joiner, builder, landscape gardener, farmer, garden ornament maker. He has done all these jobs In the 30 years I've been around. He can also do tiling, painting and vegetable growing. He is naturally good at a variety of things.

My partner is really good at technology. He's in a well paid job. He's worked really hard to get where he is.

My mum has zero skills. She's a kept women and has been for 35+++ years. She's not done anything my entire life to contribute to my dad's beautiful gardens and home projects. She's always cleaned the house and sorted shopping.

We have a weird shaped garden and it's just simple and has no plants/flowers. It's just somewhere for the kids to play. Neither of us have a clue how to make such a weird shape look nice. It's all on different levels and it's a triangle. Plus we can't afford to do anything to it right now. Plus we have not got the time due to jobs, kids and limited time.

My parents have both, but especially my mum dig at us. Last night my mum showed me a photo of me in our beautiful garden full of flowers. I made a joke about our rubbish garden. She joined in but kept going. She said yes get your messy garden sorted. Get it cleaned up (move your bins???) Get your friggin grass cut (it gets cut!) Get it weeded and get all your crap to the tip....you can also put bits in your bin each week.

I politely told her she's just lucky she's married somebody who does these things and told her my partner has a different skill set. She said well kick his arse then. Get him squared up!!!

This sort of conversation has happened too many times to count. She even rang me on holiday last year. Dad went around to put my bin out and moaned I had two binbags at the side of it to go in after its emptied and a cardboard box. I ended up with her advising me about the tip and things again. I reminded her that they were allowed to put unlimited bags out on the curbs in the 90s. So when they were in the thick of having young children and lots of nappies it was easy for her. I had had a clear out which in turn filled the bin up.

She also bangs on about how the house was Always tidy when we were little. Drives me mad because she had us 1 year apart. So we went through every stage together. My kids have a 3 year gap so I've always been in 2 stages.

I'm just fed up of her being so ignorant when due to my dad's skillset she's able to have nice things due to not needing to pay out for tradesmen. It costs us alot more for that reason alone.

I think Henrietta is a social worker 🤪🤭🤣.

Oh the irony of you asking someone else if they can read, when you've been deliberately misinterpreting the OPs posts.

Why not take your title and toddle off?

Oh henrietta 🤣

Got to thank you, I haven't felt this juvenile in years.

@Chocolateoo

My house leads straight into the kitchen so I can't put a rack in there. But seriously I don't need such ridiculous advise. I can sort out my home fine.

There isn't any problems. My mum just needs to stop not picking at me. She does it because she's negative and cut off from life and has nothing going on in her own life. She had her chance to be a mum. She choose to interact with us as little as possible and focus on her cleaning. I've choose to balance it.

I will not struggle when they are both at school. Why would I struggle. You do realise I dont struggle don't you. I just cqn either care for my kids. Do some jobs. Or ignore My kids and spend it all doing pointless jobs that need doing again next week. I don't have the money right now for a garden makeover!

I had extra rubbish because I had a clear out. I don't drive. So it waitied a week and went in the next day after it was emptied. No foxes got it.

We have a different bin system to you. Every area is different.

I've been hostile to the crazy social worker who thinks it's a horror that a toddler touches washing.

Picture this. You've fed the kids. You got them dressed. You washed up. You folded yesterdays washing and put it on the table to take up next time you go up. You go out to the park. You bring the kids back. You are making the kids a sandwich. Toddler starts playing with the washing. Never mind. It will go up and be put into the wardrobes or ironed.

Explain to me why that means I don't have my shit together?

Or this scenario. Toddler goes through a stage of shoes. He went through a wheel stage too. Then a ball stage. Now he likes shoes. He gets the shoes off the rack. He chucks them on the floor. He brings people their shoes and says come on let's walk. I put the shoes back on later because I'm having a cup of tea or doing some work with my other child. Or perhaps I'm on the phone. Or peeling veg. Explain why I haven't got my shit together?

Every couple of weekends we cut the grass. We pull up some weeds every now and then. But the garden has some grass and stones. It's safe and the children are happy out there. We have a plan for a new kitchen and a garden project. But we decided priority was to get our extension done first. We decided to get a tiled roof and replace the rubbish windows. We got skylights in. A nice new table for our meals it cost £8000 as we paid someone to do it. It was our first big home improvement.

So imagine how irritating it is that people want you to spend money on things right now that would mean getting into debt.

I hope you don't find it a struggle when they're both at school. I really do. I found it far harder than when I was at home, though, as there was all the getting them ready, feeding, doing lunches, cleaning, washing, ironing, getting to school, getting to work on public transport, getting back again, then doing everything else whilst I was really, really tired, rather than being able to go off down the park for an hour type of tired.

Little things like the washbasket needing picking up were the things that made the days more difficult - every minute counted and five wasted on picking back up again was five I didn't have to sit down and breathe. Not to mention the day I didn't do it straight away, when DD2 pulled it onto her forehead and dropped like she was poleaxed, then having to take her to school with a big bruise on her forehead - which meant I had to stay and explain it to them, which then made me miss the bus and be late for work.

With the shoes, fine - I was the person who would think 'I'll sort them in a minute' and then trip over the bastard things going to deal with something else. Or DD1 would and then howl for an hour.

Leaving things until next week/month/whatever made tiny jobs into massive undertakings.

I had to learn all this stuff because my mother thought all jobs related to cleaning/tidying were a waste of time as they'd only need doing again.

Same with my mentioning clear surfaces - which means tables not having washing on them, as well as countertops. Not only are they easier to keep clean, the fact that they are clear means you don't get distracted or have to think about them; I call it Visual Noise when there is stuff over the place or waiting to be done.

I agree that there's no point spending on 'things'. Having more stuff isn't a path to being happy. I put up with my mother turning her nose up at my clean and organised house because 'there's nothing in it' and constantly telling me I needed to buy more furniture and random bits of tat. Whilst hers was a health hazard.

Op I could've wrote this post!

Except it's my dad who makes all the digs... he even looks in my recycling bins and "checks" I've ripped my cardboard boxes down

It drives me mad and it's so bloody rude! My two have a two year age gap, toddler and preschooler and it's bloody hard is both working full time!

My dad asks why we don't paint the fence on a night when my husband doesn't finish work until 9pm!

Yes one that I do. Incase you've missed my point. We can't afford to do our garden up right now. I have stayed home the last few years and I'm well aware what running a home is.

I do get the point, OP but just wanted to say that as I think cleaning is a big contribution to the marital home and it can cause resentment, so I think your mum did contribute. Of course she shouldn't use her perfect home as a stick to beat you with.

When my mum latches on to something, I just don't engage. I tell her once that if she doesn't change the subject, I'm leaving the room/house or hanging up, and I follow it through.

It sounds like you only see her once a year in your home so this should be manageable.

I am strong character and sorry to say, have not laughed so much , after reading this, since lockdown.

Gosh, that doesn't sound very professional for someone who takes their safegarding responsibilities seriously.

You are now talking about bins from the 90's

This was in the opening post @HenriettaSpoffer. What do you mean by 'now'?

and your mum again! I had my eldest DC in 98. We had bins! When it overflowed with nappies i went to to the tip.

I can concur with OP's experience, in the 90s, all the black bags were collected from our driveway, we weren't limited to one bin that the binmen could refuse to take if the lid doesn't shut (which is what happens now).

@HenriettaSpoffer
You can tell you are used to making judgements and not being judged. The fact you are telling people to love in their dirty homes when we've repeatedly told you they are not those things. Just not show homes either. You've continued to judge and even used washing and shoes as a way to suggest I'm not coping. You've suggested a cup of tea could have poured on my child. But your child could have touched a thorn when gardening. Got bitten by a bug. Cut themselves on a tool. Grabbed a blade. Got splinters. That's more dangerous than a mischievous toddlers. But you came back with more theories. You even suggested talking about bins in the 90s was ridiculous. Yet you fail to understand my mum lives in the past and focuses on how it was for her. She put her extra binbags out in the garden too. Then they get left curb side for the binman. Then the council decided everyone can have a black bin and a grey one. The tips open three days a week.

You steered off subject without seeing pictures of my home. You are picturing something In your head that's not real. My house is clean enough. My house is safe. we are not cluttered. Who cares if some days a home is abit upside down. Imagine you going into a tired mums home and picking on her about things like weeds and windows. A decent social worker or whatever you are would say as long as your home is safe and there's food and you do the essentials, don't worry about this and that. You would say your children are clearly happy and healthy. Which mine are! Yet you are insisting I am lazy, not coping and won't cope when they are school. You even suggested i won't cope when I get a job. Most people find as the kids get older the home gets tidier. 8 year olds don't play with things toddlers do. Toddlers explore. Toddlers get mucky. Toddlers need watching (like you seem so big on) so therefore I can't always be busy doing jobs I'd like to be doing. I do a lot of my jobs when he's asleep. I also do some when he's awake. I also am only human and I'm living a life! I'm not on this planet to just clean. I'm here to make the best of my life and children. When I'm 80 I'm sure I won't regret not cleaning more but I will be glad we baked and went out and played. I do my best and my best is a decent home to love in. Not the best. But a perfectly safe and hygienic home. Not the best garden. But a safe one that means they can have fun outside.

There is nothing more to say. Being critical of your children is unhelpful. Being petty is a waste of time. Especially if you went actually willing to help, pay for or support. I'm not going to get into debt to buy things we can't afford. The garden is fine as it is for now! But in a few years it will be invested in! Until then it will get the grass cut and the hedge and weeds done when needed. But sometimes a weed or ten might be around. But who cares. My kids like picking the dandelions and blowing them. So again it's fine. (Unless you consider those a hazard too)

@HenriettaSpoffer I see, but it's in the OP too - 04.26 on Mon. And it's a good point.

My sister has a large household and rubbish day is stressful trying to bung everything in 1 bin, even though she recycles everything she can, including food waste.

When I lead groups I talk about the "good enough" mother, mainly to avoid the need for perfectionism and the guilt that can come with it.

Some people are v tidy and have clean surfaces all the time.
Others arent and tidy up in chunks. You see threads about both types on mumsnet. Both types are okay.

To go to a gp because a toddler knocked washing over is hysterical. Mine would turn washing into dens sometimes. I would join in! We all have different boundaries. The Op is clearly fine!

Anyway the Op was about dealing with an overly critical parent. Its A Thing. Lots of us have had to work through that. Ive really found Sss's post helpful regarsing that.

@Chocolateoo your mistake is engaging with your mother and being too polite. My ex MIL used to do similar and after trying to be nice, I just told her to shut up if she couldn’t be nice and she stormed off. She was always nicer to me after that because she knew I didn’t care if I saw her again or not

@HenriettaSpoffer if you are genuinely a safeguarding officer I pity the families you work with!

Well I wouldn't want to drive to the tip every week/every other week. I'd rather keep an extra bin with lid to keep the excess rubbish bags in.

It was quite clever of OP to ask her dad to put the bin out for her, and it doesn't sound like he minded.

3 week bin collection is crazy. Are you in the UK? I thought 2 was bad.

It is my post.

You've just confessed to a messy garage at least. Not as perfect as you make out. Without that garage you wouldn't have had to of paid to have it taken away that day or left it in the garden! Perhaps consider not everyone has a garage to hoard rubbish.

Just shows you are exactly like my mum. Your way is the only right way.