Sick of my mums digs

[Chocolateoo]

My parents drive me mad because I don't keep my home/garden how they did.

My dad is a carpenter, joiner, builder, landscape gardener, farmer, garden ornament maker. He has done all these jobs In the 30 years I've been around. He can also do tiling, painting and vegetable growing. He is naturally good at a variety of things.

My partner is really good at technology. He's in a well paid job. He's worked really hard to get where he is.

My mum has zero skills. She's a kept women and has been for 35+++ years. She's not done anything my entire life to contribute to my dad's beautiful gardens and home projects. She's always cleaned the house and sorted shopping.

We have a weird shaped garden and it's just simple and has no plants/flowers. It's just somewhere for the kids to play. Neither of us have a clue how to make such a weird shape look nice. It's all on different levels and it's a triangle. Plus we can't afford to do anything to it right now. Plus we have not got the time due to jobs, kids and limited time.

My parents have both, but especially my mum dig at us. Last night my mum showed me a photo of me in our beautiful garden full of flowers. I made a joke about our rubbish garden. She joined in but kept going. She said yes get your messy garden sorted. Get it cleaned up (move your bins???) Get your friggin grass cut (it gets cut!) Get it weeded and get all your crap to the tip....you can also put bits in your bin each week.

I politely told her she's just lucky she's married somebody who does these things and told her my partner has a different skill set. She said well kick his arse then. Get him squared up!!!

This sort of conversation has happened too many times to count. She even rang me on holiday last year. Dad went around to put my bin out and moaned I had two binbags at the side of it to go in after its emptied and a cardboard box. I ended up with her advising me about the tip and things again. I reminded her that they were allowed to put unlimited bags out on the curbs in the 90s. So when they were in the thick of having young children and lots of nappies it was easy for her. I had had a clear out which in turn filled the bin up.

She also bangs on about how the house was Always tidy when we were little. Drives me mad because she had us 1 year apart. So we went through every stage together. My kids have a 3 year gap so I've always been in 2 stages.

I'm just fed up of her being so ignorant when due to my dad's skillset she's able to have nice things due to not needing to pay out for tradesmen. It costs us alot more for that reason alone.

@daysofpearlyspencer

Oh really? Why are people so rude.

According to the lady above she would have some concerns too based on my toddler emptying the shoe rack, toys on the floor and clean washing being tipped over by a cheeky two year old. I worry about some people's standards.

They would be the first to call me a useless parents if the kids had an accident whilst I was gardening. But you also apparently have to do all these jobs and never take an eye of your child too?

I went for a walk today and noted there are plenty of gardens like mine. I think it's just people who can't relax unless everything in place can't stand seeing it elsewhere. I feel sorry for kids who love with parents who don't think it's acceptable to play with shoes or empty the toys out.

My parents house was always tidy/immaculate- hated it felt unlived in and not at all homely.

Chocolateoo - seriously it’s not about different standards of housework and gardening.

That’s just the current superficial expression of significant emotional abuse of you by her.

Your DM is hypercritical and emotionally neglectful and abusive. This has left a deep wound in you that needs healing.

You should have been cherished, inspired, encourage and supported to be the best version of you as a child.

She has left you with low self esteem and your inner critic (her voice and words in your head) are consuming you.

She has not been in your house for a year but you are still defending, explaining and judging your own choice of housework/childcare routines and approaches against hers

• and she is not even present. I know this feeling as I also had a hyper critical OCD mother - and I have to stop judging myself against her “standards” and she has been dead 8 years!

Try to interrupt each and every negative though and replace with confident affirmations:

“I am a kind and respectful Mum, who provides a calm and peaceful, balanced, clean and tidy enough home - where love, affection, joy, play, support, encouragement and kindness are prioritised.”

I think you just need to practice not caring what they say, and making that clear to them. My family have been a bit like this, in the past (too old now).

The comments I used to get were specific things like "that border needs weeding"so I'd just respond with "be my guest" and then change the subject. Or I'd get "That rug doesn't go with the wallpaper" To which I'd respond "you always were colourblind". Basically just be as terse and rude as them and then change the subject.

It worked for me. We never fell out as a result, they just sort of got the message that I was going to let their opinions wash over me. Because their opinions really don't matter, as I'm sure you realise, deep down.

Well, see it this way. You are either a messy molly and own it or you have other things you prioritize than gardening and keeping a pristine house. Eg. Working, spending time with dc. (Of course not a hoarding filthy mess).

When my dc were very small, I consciously made the choise not to be overly obsessed with cleaning all the time. I got so stressed and realized that my priorities were to be a hands on mum, rather than have a spotless house... no not filthy .

Your parents had different circumstances, but a lot of people forget how it was. My late aunt had three boys, one memorable time they smeared my dad's car in poo on the inside 🤮. She didn't lift a finger. She borrowed a house for summer and left it less than tidy, BUT when her dc grew up, she was soo judgy about her neighbour with one dc, she was messy bla bla bla. You know what one of the big things were? She left a lot of shoes in the hall (of her own home). So in people's minds they always had it together.

You on the other hand need to speak up, tell your mother this is how you choose to live. If she tells you how much she did, tell her she wasn't that hands on with you, just housework.

And ultimately if people comment on dust, long grass etc. ask them to do it, that usually works.

Sorry this was long, but I get so annoyed when people cannot remember.

Thanks everyone.

@HenriettaSpoffer
I'm sorry but every toddler in the world has smeared sudocream all over. Emptied nappies out. Pulled wipes out. Emptied a cupboard. Tipped a whole box of cereal out. Squeezed toothpaste allover the sink. Tipped cotton buds everywhere. Tipped drinks over. My kids havn't done all these things.

It's very different to you not being aware they are near a hot kettle. I don't think throwing shoes about is life threatening. I also dont think me not noticing him pushing the washing over means I neglect him. No my eyes are not on him constantly. It's not achievable. You are either saying I need to focus on cleaning or focus on watching my kid like a helicopter parent.

Considering I'm almost 6 years into parenting and my kids have never been burned or had stitches I'd say I am quite a responsible parent. The difference is instead of trying to juggle decorating and gardening and constant tidying with being a parent I've had to let things go abit! But that doesn't mean I deserve a lecture on weeds and fingerprints.

There's no danger to my son in the extension. None at all. It's carpeted. With two soft sofas and a toy box. I'm never further away than the next room. We live in a small semi detached house built in the 50s. Not a mansion.

If you would be concerned about a child being able to tip washing over etc you would need to getting the social services involved with alot of families. I mean where does risk end in your eyes? What about pets? What about laminated floors? There are risks in every home and to suggest your children never were out of your site or able to do anything mischievous seems crazy. At some point your back would have been turned.

@Sssloou

Thank you. Yes you are right. I've talked about it over the years with my partner. Maybe one day I'll go to therapy when I get some time back to myself. I've been very aware as an adult what I didn't get. Im making sure my own kids are not in the se boat. Hence approaching life differently. But I have a long term plan to do our home and garden up. We've discussed that until the littlest one goes to school there is no point spending money on much else then we have already. Until we know things won't get damaged and we will have time to do the things. It's just so draining always being made to feel like I should have everything already. Money plays a large factor. Also it's all left over projects of my dad's. Filled in ponds mainly. It's such a silly shape right now. It's going to be a huge job. Thanks for your reply.

I agree I need to stop caring and be confident.

Gosh OP, I could have written this post. No advice I'm afraid but tons of sympathy as I feel the same way.

If you were to look her in the eye next time she makes a dig and say something like:

'Do you know, the older I get, Mum - the more I think that one day, you're going to go one dig too far and I'm just going to think that I'd have a nicer life if I just didn't keep in touch with you.'

(Maybe a half laugh while you say it, or maybe just a completely deadpan look, right in the eye)

... it might just hit home a bit.

You don't have to listen to her.

You certainly don't have to pull any punches - she doesn't.

'Garden? Oh ha ha would that be the one you never lifted a finger to sort out and wouldn't know how to even if you had to? You're more than welcome to finally get your own hands dirty with mine, lol.'

I'm not surprised I've responded to you how I have. It's not and never has been q safe guarding issue with my kids. Like you said it's not in my case. My kids are always on time for school. She's at school already! Also why would I not manage school and nursery and a home. Then as my kids get older why on earth would I not be able to manage a part time job? I do manage.

I don't just play with my kids all day. What I said was I take them out for walks, parks, to see friends for a couple of hours. Then we might have dinner. Then I might do my jobs in the afternoon. I also said my partner works long hours. So yeah he could be outside doing the windows. But sometimes it's nice to just be relaxed after a hectic week.

I find it insulting you don't think I will cope based on my garden not being fancy and my kids playing with toys.

Sounds like you are germ phobic. I grew up on and around farms. I personally think your view on shoes is over the top. They don't lick them. He just likes pairing them up and went through a stage of chucking them around. I'm sorry but you are basing this completely on your own ideas and standards of living and suggesting I haven't got my shit together because you had issues with shoes and things.

Ofcourse it's not a competition that you havn't been hurt and neither have your children. My point was I'm not stupid and you don't need to say you are concerned my children touched the washing and I didn't notice as it could have been a kettle.

Ofcourse we have rules and safety measures. Locks on cupboards. Baby gates etc. I really don't think me saying I'm sick of my mum forgetting my dad was able to do fancy things and the average Joe can't do all these things means I can't cope.

Perhaps you would be the same with your children.

I don't need a trip to the gp. What an earth would they do. But perhaps one day I. Get some help for how she was with us from being little. This isn't about your living standards. It's about being cruel to your adult kids over petty things. Fair enough if I had filth everywhere and didn't wash up. Fair enough if I had no safety in place and my kids could be hurt. But they can't. They are growing up in a happy home with food and clothes and parents who have time to invest in their childhoods. When she was moaning about the extra binbags near my bin we were on a beach giving our children a holiday. When she was moaning yesterday that we don't have a pretty garden I was thinking how I've spent the last three months trying to home school a child and keep their lives as normal as possible. Trying to make them feel they were ok when they couldn't even go to a park.

I can assure you I will always cope with my kids. I do cope. In a couple of years my home could be even better than yours.

I'm not sure if you have also read she treats all of us exactly the same. My sisters too. So that speaks for itself

You seem far too big for your boots. Why an earth would social workers be involved. My auntie is a social worker and I might mention your theories too her. How we've gone from weeds to you deciding playing with shoes is a health hazard.

Out of Interest how many children have died from playing with a shoe. Or even been sick? You do understand that sort is also needed for the immune system. So abit of grass/mud etc isn't going to hurt anyone. People have walked on pavements for years and managed to avoid dog poo shoes harming their family. They go straight in the bin. But I'm sorry I don't think a shoe is a health issue. No more than a push hair wheel, a park slide. How many children hold onto a swing with potential snot, poo and virus on their hands? What about rivers. Swimming pools. Door handles. Public toilets. Benches. Picnic tables. Bowling alley shoes. Cinema seats. Petting zoos. All we can do is wash hands and remove things from a child's mouth.

You have turned my post into a safe guarding example. Absolutely irrelevant to the reason this post was made. My mum's critical for NO REASON other than my home isn't immaculate and spotless.

I also think a home with young kids should have fingerprints, arts and crafts, toys, muddy shoes and chaos. Because children who are allowed to be creative and make mess are developing just as they should be.

Growing carrots is not on my priority list right now. But when the kids are older we will be able to afford our garden project. I'm not going to stop doing important things like caring for my children. Giving myself a rest sometimes and getting on with important jobs like washing and cooking to proove to everyone I can win an award for the best roses in the village.

I can assure you my children will never be under people like you. Because I know I'm a good mum and they have all needs met. They will always be at school. They will always have food, love and a home.
I think you relate to my mum which is why you have tried to suggest there could be more to this than a pack of gardening skills.

I'm sure many people let their kids walk in adult shoes and things. My little niece used to walk in our shoes too. Loads of kids go through that stage. Still lives and never got sick from it.

Also my children play with toys. It was a toddler stage. Stop twisting facts. You are not my social worker and you surely have a real job to do instead of being rude on Mumsnet.

@HenriettaSpoffer You are being ridiculous.

No I don't have a social worker because I'm a capable mother with weeds in the garden. Even if someone was struggling. What gives you the right to make child concerns be about pathetic things. Do you think children brought up on farms stay clean all the time? Do you think they don't have weeds or Muck.

I will tell her. Because she thinks I'm a great mum and she actually has discussed with me some of my mum's attitude last year and she told me I'm a great mum and my kids are really happy. She knows my little girl is shy with my parents and she's given me advice. She has fostered children. She has managed kids homes and she continues to tutor people aged 64. She never could have children of her own so she's taken abused and neglected children under her wing. She would absolutely not keep out if it if she thought she saw risk. She would be onto me.

You have ruined my post. you are acting like a god. There are plenty of children out there that people like you didn't save and don't save. It's those children you should be looking out for. You would not be in my home nosying about.

After my second child I apologised to the health visitor based on toddler tipping the toybox out before she got here. She told me my home was immaculate. It wasn't but she said if I had seen what she sees I'd realise I have nothing to worry about. Baring in mind it's tidier now than it was then....

@peachgreen

Isn't she just. Think she struggles to switch off from work mode. Surely someone in that job would understand immaculate homes do not define people's ability to parent. I would post pictures to prove we are not scruffy horders. But I'm not sharing my home to strangers. Im sure her homes tidy but did her kids enjoy her strict stressy overclean attitude.

I can totally relate to this op. My partner & I work full time and have 4 children. My dh mum comes around and constantly criticises the state of my house. She always passes judgement about the children’s bedrooms and the general standards. My dm is a clean freak and has always spent hours and hours cleaning. I always remember not being allowed to have friends over as she “had just tidied up.” I try to just ignore her, she has never worked full time, she used to be a sahm and I remember spending a lot of time with my gran. I don’t think she grasps how hard it is. (I complained about being tired the other day and said o needed a holiday. She told me I was being stupid and I’ve said I’ve spent lockdown sat in my garden drinking gin. (I’m a keyworker and have worked all of lockdown whilst trying to home school 4 kids!) I have just come to the conclusion she’s ignorant and clueless. I also wonder if she’s jealous. She got pregnant with me at 19 and never had a career.

It’s hard though not to take it to heart. I just try to let it pass over me.

Henrietta you are coming across quite odd and obsessive about the OP. I also work with parents. My kids have played with shoes and at times built tents from the washing (sheets etc).
Really quite normal!

Jeez HenriettaSpoffer! I also work with kids and deal with safe guarding etc (before you start preaching to me, that you know better - I have been doing this job for 30 odd years, have been around the block a few times and have seen and dealt with a lot!) so I do know what I am talking about here and just reading your comments has seriously put my back up and you aren’t even aiming them at me!!

If you go around speaking to people in this manner, with absolutely sod all empathy and understanding then I am sure that you are not helping but just making people who need support feel worse.

I really hope it is simply how you are coming across as you are typing messages and in real life you are different, particularly if you are working with vulnerable families, but your manner of lecturing is not what OP needs here. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are trying to come from a good place, but seriously change your approach here please.