Sick of my mums digs

[Chocolateoo]

My parents drive me mad because I don't keep my home/garden how they did.

My dad is a carpenter, joiner, builder, landscape gardener, farmer, garden ornament maker. He has done all these jobs In the 30 years I've been around. He can also do tiling, painting and vegetable growing. He is naturally good at a variety of things.

My partner is really good at technology. He's in a well paid job. He's worked really hard to get where he is.

My mum has zero skills. She's a kept women and has been for 35+++ years. She's not done anything my entire life to contribute to my dad's beautiful gardens and home projects. She's always cleaned the house and sorted shopping.

We have a weird shaped garden and it's just simple and has no plants/flowers. It's just somewhere for the kids to play. Neither of us have a clue how to make such a weird shape look nice. It's all on different levels and it's a triangle. Plus we can't afford to do anything to it right now. Plus we have not got the time due to jobs, kids and limited time.

My parents have both, but especially my mum dig at us. Last night my mum showed me a photo of me in our beautiful garden full of flowers. I made a joke about our rubbish garden. She joined in but kept going. She said yes get your messy garden sorted. Get it cleaned up (move your bins???) Get your friggin grass cut (it gets cut!) Get it weeded and get all your crap to the tip....you can also put bits in your bin each week.

I politely told her she's just lucky she's married somebody who does these things and told her my partner has a different skill set. She said well kick his arse then. Get him squared up!!!

This sort of conversation has happened too many times to count. She even rang me on holiday last year. Dad went around to put my bin out and moaned I had two binbags at the side of it to go in after its emptied and a cardboard box. I ended up with her advising me about the tip and things again. I reminded her that they were allowed to put unlimited bags out on the curbs in the 90s. So when they were in the thick of having young children and lots of nappies it was easy for her. I had had a clear out which in turn filled the bin up.

She also bangs on about how the house was Always tidy when we were little. Drives me mad because she had us 1 year apart. So we went through every stage together. My kids have a 3 year gap so I've always been in 2 stages.

I'm just fed up of her being so ignorant when due to my dad's skillset she's able to have nice things due to not needing to pay out for tradesmen. It costs us alot more for that reason alone.

Op I don't have much advice but my mum is exactly the same as yours! Every time she comes to my house she is criticising everything because its not up to her exacting standards. I have been trying to work and homeschool 2 young kids so that doesn't leave a huge amount of time for perfecting the garden and decorating the spare room! They are coming to visit this weekend for the first time in 6 months and I'm dreading it. She has already complained because the spare bed is a sofa bed and she wants a proper bed to sleep in. I feel like telling her not to bother coming

I guess it's very natural to want to please your parents. They are the people you expect to cheer you on and be proud of you. When they tell you that you are not doing well at something it makes you feel useless.

No parent should tell you that you are not doing well and make you feel useless. A parent should support and encourage....give you roots and wings - confidence to be your own person and live your own life.

You have clearly identified that she has at the very least emotionally neglected you quite significantly as a child and her constant criticism now is unhelpful and painful.

It’s good that you have the measure of her - but maybe step up a gear and stop her hijacking your happiness now as an adult. The dynamic has to shift - and you have to be the one to make the move.

I am sorry you had such a deficient mother and I hope that you immerse yourself and gain joy and pleasure in your own motherhood and can leave your parents dysfunctional perfectionism behind.

I feel your pain OP. My mum is the same, she was a SAHM until I was a teenager. I’m a single mum in a full time job. She often drops comments like “I’m sure that dd would like to live in a tidy house”. Or if it looks immaculate then it’ll be comments about keeping it that way and how it isn’t hard.

Makes me feel embarrassed and like I’m a child. My dd is an angel at their house, puts things away and is tidy. At home she needs reminding constantly and is a mess monster!

All I ever seem to be doing is working, cooking, cleaning, laundry, entertaining dd and it still looks a mess after 5 minutes!!

I would honestly craft a few carefully worded responses and use them every time...

"I would rather play, have fun and have a bind with my DC than a picture perfect house"

"You did it your way, I'll do it mine"

"Well if my DC were out playing with friends outside the house all the time like we had to then our house would be different to"

Or tbh

Just don't bother seeing them much or be blunt "Are you incapable of saying anything nice because you sound like a bitch with all your criticism?"

Henrietta I feel you're missing the point here!

Sss I found your post really helpful.

I have realised (with counselling) how neglectful my parents were, in so many ways but emotionally in this case. Amd recognise its harming me

But how do you practically "step up a gear and stop it harming your happiness?"

I get confused - if you try and suppress or ignore the feelings that's considered bad for you etc. But id desperately like not to be tied into "feeling hurt " by them.

My mum did this to me constantly. When I went into psychotherapy for another reason the therapist told me she believes my mother is a narcissist. They can't stop criticising you and putting you down. That was an eye opener. Constant criticism is emotional abuse.

I just used to agree.
Yes mum, my garden is a mess, Isn’t it Great we live in a Country that allows me, a grown up, to choose not to do my garden and the Garden Police don’t turn up and arrest me. Would you like a cuppa ?

Say it with a huge grin and replace garden with walls, carpet, hair do, washing pile, unpainted shed and so on.
It is brilliant. She hasn’t commented on my hair for at least 10 years.

@Zofloramummy
Absolutely the same. I also get the keep it tidy now and then it will save time. Like you mine are mess monsters. They like drawing and making dens. Piling up blankets. Making mud pies. My toddler tips the shoe rack over. He pushes my washing off the table when I've folded it. He likes bringing stones in the house. It's a hard stage. The thing is I do alot of other things with my kids. Not anything that particularly costs money. But my mum never took us for walks. If we went out it was to the coop or to town to shop. She didn't go for walks with us,to be with us. Where as I sometimes get ready and we go for walks so we can chat. I'll try and make it fun. Let's feed the ducks etc. I think she focused on her home and didn't focus on us and what she could have been enjoying. Even as adults she's missed out because she's so focused on the simple routines they have. When I had my second baby the midwife gave me a private room because I had been kept in last minute. She said your parents can come visit you and bring your daughter then. I text her to invite and they declined. So it's sad because they have their homes in order but they've missed out on moments that I personally wouldn't want to miss for the world.

The trouble is you are either one of those people with a spotless home and even with toddlers your living room etc is immaculate. Think hinch army! But then there's mums who's kids empty the toybox and leave drawings everywhere and bring everything down. That's the kind of mum I am. There's not enough hours in the day to perfect my house. Especially with two kids here 24/7.

My dad's had a more busy life as he's mixed with loads of people over the years for many different work jobs. He's made friends in the trade too. But my mum's views just seem really unhealthy and I don't think she will ever change now. She's picked at all her daughter's over the years. Maybe she would have been better with son's. She's definitely not capable of the mother daughter bond.

I always look at the lovely posts on Facebook on mother's Day and think I wonder what it's like to have a mum you are close too and mingle with. I would never feel right doing one for her and it's sad I feel that way.

@hammie46i

I have questioned over the years. I remember some things as a teenager especially where her reactions were cold. I nev we twigged on. Then when I was 25 and pregnant it started to hit home that she wasn't like other mums. I can honestly say she's never hugged me in the years I remember. She's never told me she loves me. She's never gave me a kiss. She's never said she's proud. She found fault with how I told her my daughter had been born. She digs at me about how I sobbed when our family dog died. she's always wanted us to join in with her and moan about our clothes, weight and hair. She actually deleted photos of me once and said to me you looked really big on them and your not that big. She has told me I've got big legs my whole life (they are strong now fat) she says it must come from my dad's side. She loves one of my male cousins and last year she saw his wife was in a dress and had big calves. She happily told me the next day I could wear a dress too and had no excuse not to go to family events because everyone was embracing the fat. I'm not huge anyway. Look slim with clothes on. Tiny baby roll if I'm naked or leaning forward lol. I could go on all day about the little insults over the years. She did nothing to build us up. She's a complex character. My dad has a soft center and has told me he loves me and my kids. He's probably been trapped a little over the years as his siblings are all very involved with their kids.

Do you feel better about it all now?

@user1471462115
love it lol! That's sort of why I said the other night you are just lucky you married someone with those skills. It was my way of saying you don't contribute to any of the projects in the garden or house. I hope she took it personally too lol.

@HenriettaSpoffer

My skill set also don't allow me to design a garden. The garden is not unruly. It's basically boring and without flowers. Nobody said the windows are their problem. I said it's not that simple to keep it all spotless

You clearly are a spotless person. I'm a hygienic person who has some mess about and could do with a few days alone to get on. My partner does take the kids out thanks. I usually put washing away and things.

Worrying about how I'm coping.... I cope fine and my kids don't just have a mum who cleans and does nothing else.

How do you advise me to do the garden when I have a two and five year old in the days. The hedge gets cut. The grass gets cut. Isn't that what many people do? We are not all Alan titchmarsh.

@HenriettaSpoffer

Also I wouldn't pick on my mum's skill set if she realised she hasn't built or done anything to her home or garden. Dad did if 100% if she married a teacher or a doctor or a shop worker the chances are she would have what I have. Or perhaps a nice garden but would have to pay for builders and decorators. It's fine that she can't do these things. Neither can I! But I'm not the one going around telling other people it should be doable.

My parents are very critical too so I no longer bother with them, cards for birthdays/Christmas for 2 decades.

Despite lots of therapy I still can't cope with praise, the damage is in my very core. I have no photos of me on display, hate looking at any because all I see is the person with all the faults I was told that had - teeth too big so I don't show them when I smile, big nose and so on...

Doesn't matter what you do or have it isn't good enough 🤷🏽‍♀️

There’s a lot going on here, isn’t there? The digs about how you keep the house and garden are just the tip of the iceberg. From your posts, I’m left wondering what your parents’ marriage might be like? They seem to have got through life by having distinct roles: he does the garden, DIY etc and she maintains the house, does the shopping. It’s quite an old fashioned set up nowadays, but there’s no reason it can’t work if both people are happy with it. It does sound as if it’s all being threatened by your dad slowly retiring; I wondered if your parents might be scared of losing the sense of control they have by keeping to their rigid ‘rules’?

You sound very much as though you have made the decision not to do with your own marriage and kids what your parents did with you; you’re involved, you tolerate a bit of mess, you have a life outside the home. Without saying a word, your choices challenge those of your parents - you aren’t doing it ‘their’ way so you are saying their way is ‘wrong’. It’s absolutely not ok for either of them to carp and criticise, and the comments about your appearance sound especially damaging. It does sound like their attempt to maintain control when their world might feel a bit like it’s crumbling at the edges. You sound angry, especially with your mum. It’s telling how you describe her as ‘a kept woman’ and also telling that your sister won’t allow your parents in her house.

Do you want a relationship with your parents? If so, is there a way for you to acknowledge they did things their way, but a different way works for you? Personal comments are never ok, and should be challenged. Your parents sound very controlling in different ways.

Hi. It's all I've ever known so I didn't think we had a strange mum. She fed up, clothes us and was nice enough if that's makes sense.

It kind of slapped me in the face as an adult particularly around my first child. I remember going out for a walk with her on her pram and just thinking constantly about what they had said when I was pregnant. They actually went mardy with me when I said i was going to find out the gender. They were really rude and told me it would t ruin it. Then I eventually said it was my choice and my dad didn't talk to me for the rest of the journey. I did find out. But I then had the stress of keeping it away from them, only for my sister to slip up infront of them a month before the birth.

If I was upset as a teenager over a boy or I was nervous about something. She would carry on cooking etc. We an adult she sometimes reminds me of times I was "in a state" "whittling" etc. I remember as a child I was always nervous about going to the front in assembly. I had such nerves around everyone clapping at me. She's always made me feel ashamed of how it made me feel. But I was a child!

I think we've all learned that's how she is and accepted it. We all are aware of her ways and her coldness. But because she's not full on cruel we try and have a relationship with her. She has nice sides too. She likes films and modern music. She has a sense of humour. But sadly she hasn't got the warmth and love in her. Or if she has she hides it well.

She also will say I'm snappy like my dad. Or I bite easily. Which I do with her. But nobody else sees that side of me.

My parents definitely love eachother and seem happy. But I think dad would like to go out more. He loves racing and things. He has dug at her in the past about things she says. I remember him saying at his brothers wives funeral you didn't even cry or something. I had only gone to the service as I was on nights but the rest of the family did the pub bit. People were emotional and my mum went out for a fag as they were all making her feel uncomfortable. I've never heard her cry. But I presume she must in private.

I feel like you are all being so kind listening to me and helping me talk about this. So thank you so much.

So sorry to read others are going through it too. It's so hard for people to understand who don't have mothers like this.

Fed us and clothed us that should say.

I suggest you ask your mother about her childhood. About her relativity her parents. About what it was like for her to be a mum in the -whenevers decades. About what her ambitions were as a child, what she loved, how she saw her mum. Try and see your mum more fully.

You are so critical of your mum. I'm guessing she feels your own criticism of her, your coldness and judgement towards her.

If you want a better mother/daughter relationship, then what I suggest might help. It helped me enormously with my own emotionally neglectful mother. I understand her life and "her" so much more fully now we've had hours talking about it all, we are both better able to love and appreciate each other.

OP, you sound lovely, like a great mother doing her best.

People who makes us feel bad about ourselves everytime we meet them are really not good for us and seeing less of them can be good.

I think your mother critising your child for her hair and unironed dress would piss me off no end and would be the catalyst for change.

Your daughter has little control over these things, why would you allow her to be critised for them.

I think you should tell your mother that if you hear a word of criticism of your child she won't see them for dust.

I don't think such an atmosphere is particularly in your children's best interests.

You are quite rightly stressed by this.

Your sister has made the right call.

Your mother has little or no regard for your feelings and sounds like a sarcastic bully.

This is not a good dynamic for your children to be around.

Listen to how damaged you feel by growing up around it.

Protect your children and tell your mother you won't put up with her rudeness any longer.

Your parents sound awful OP.

@HenriettaSpoffer

That's ridiculous. You think toddlers making a mess is bad? What's wrong with toys being around. Did you never leave your kids in the other room. We have an extension if you must know. It's also a washing drying room. It has a toybox in it. So I'm often in the next room and they are playing. My shoe rack is now moved to the other wall. So he doesn't tip the shoes off it now. But I don't see why that's a horror story for a report. That's great that you got your kids involved in cutting grass and hedges at 2. I personally think it's dangerous. Incase you was too lazy to read. Our garden one day will need a proffesional in too sort out a design and remove rubble underneath the decking. We have no borders for flowers at the moment. Or the cash flow to buy plants and things.

But thanks for trying to make me feel rubbish because you are in a fantastic role and you were always a fabulous mum that got everything done.

My house is not disgusting. There are children out there with no clean clothes, no food, beaten, sexually abused, neglected, living in damp flats with no outside space. Yet you think that two young children should be in a spotless home with a garden full of flowers and vegetables. But if you see toys and a washing pile tipped over you would want to know where I was? Possibly having a wee or cooking tea or having a cup of tea, or pegging washing out or on the phone or hoovering the next room.

You really are out of order with your suggestions.

Also I can assure you once they are old enough to have friends over it will be tidier. There would be no reason for them to be embarrassed by our home!

We've had a new extension.
New bedroom carpets
New beds
New sofa
New fridge freezer in the last three years.

We've painted the living room 2 years ago. The kitchen is due a repaint. We had a new bathroom put in 4 years ago. We've had new curtains in every room in the last three years.

I clean my bathroom twice a week.
Toilet once a day.
I wash my pots three times a day.
We wash clothes everyday and fold it.
We hoover everyday.
The floor is mopped weekly.
The beds are changed weekly.
The rubbish is taken out everyday.
We dont have piles off post.
We don't have piles of filthy washing.
We have toys in the bedrooms and a big toybox downstairs.
We have a play kitchen and dolls pram downstairs.

There are a few weeds in the garden. But the grass in approximately 2 inches tall at the moment. The hedge was cut 3 months ago and the windows get cleaned when we get chance but they soon get dirty.

The reason my windows get mucky is because I have a toddler.

The reason my washing is sometimes sitting folded somewhere is because Its easier to put it away when their dads home to watch them.
No I don't have loads of time to clean out cupboards and wash down doors at the moment. So you may find some fingerprints for your report.

My washing basket it also never empty so you would need to report that.

My house does not smell.

My partner works long hours and I do all the childcare.

My daughter is messy. But I was also messy.

I can not believe you have suggested what you have. You do understand my mother doesn't come here. She's not been here for a year for a visit. She's been 6 times in 5 years briefly. We always had it tidy. But they don't like to see weeds, fingerprints, extra rubbish by the bins.

My dad has OCD. My mum had us in the late 80s. Kids played out more then. She also moved house a few times and was able to declutter and invest money into new kitchens and things because my dad can fit it. Our kitchen is abit rubbish. But should we go down in your report because we don't have £7000 spare for a kitchen and labour?

We should not be judged based on not having the house immaculate.

You need to explain that both of you work hard to provide the very best for your family, you are either out at work or coping with the Covid thing whilst at home with the kids. The very best does not have to include fancy new kitchens, pristine lawns and an empty laundry basket. Tell her gardening can wait until you retire, then you can spend all day fannying around with a rose bush. I have this same problem with a relative currently making digs at me over a similiar issue.