Sick of my mums digs

[Chocolateoo]

My parents drive me mad because I don't keep my home/garden how they did.

My dad is a carpenter, joiner, builder, landscape gardener, farmer, garden ornament maker. He has done all these jobs In the 30 years I've been around. He can also do tiling, painting and vegetable growing. He is naturally good at a variety of things.

My partner is really good at technology. He's in a well paid job. He's worked really hard to get where he is.

My mum has zero skills. She's a kept women and has been for 35+++ years. She's not done anything my entire life to contribute to my dad's beautiful gardens and home projects. She's always cleaned the house and sorted shopping.

We have a weird shaped garden and it's just simple and has no plants/flowers. It's just somewhere for the kids to play. Neither of us have a clue how to make such a weird shape look nice. It's all on different levels and it's a triangle. Plus we can't afford to do anything to it right now. Plus we have not got the time due to jobs, kids and limited time.

My parents have both, but especially my mum dig at us. Last night my mum showed me a photo of me in our beautiful garden full of flowers. I made a joke about our rubbish garden. She joined in but kept going. She said yes get your messy garden sorted. Get it cleaned up (move your bins???) Get your friggin grass cut (it gets cut!) Get it weeded and get all your crap to the tip....you can also put bits in your bin each week.

I politely told her she's just lucky she's married somebody who does these things and told her my partner has a different skill set. She said well kick his arse then. Get him squared up!!!

This sort of conversation has happened too many times to count. She even rang me on holiday last year. Dad went around to put my bin out and moaned I had two binbags at the side of it to go in after its emptied and a cardboard box. I ended up with her advising me about the tip and things again. I reminded her that they were allowed to put unlimited bags out on the curbs in the 90s. So when they were in the thick of having young children and lots of nappies it was easy for her. I had had a clear out which in turn filled the bin up.

She also bangs on about how the house was Always tidy when we were little. Drives me mad because she had us 1 year apart. So we went through every stage together. My kids have a 3 year gap so I've always been in 2 stages.

I'm just fed up of her being so ignorant when due to my dad's skillset she's able to have nice things due to not needing to pay out for tradesmen. It costs us alot more for that reason alone.

Our tip limits the number of visits you can make in a year. Number plate registration, and if you exceed the limit you get billed per additional visit.

ANPR here so linked to council tax records. If you use the tip and are not from the borough then the staff come and boot you off the site.

I don't mind it TBH. Means that only people from the borough, who are paying for it through council tax, are using the service. It also means that commercial waste has to be paid for properly because you can't bring vans on to the site.

Erm, it's OP's thread

Go and make a post yourself. You are so weird hanging around on here like a child. You are literally taking over.

Despite your nonsense there has been plenty of support.

The post suggesting by son could get burned were not pleasent either. You can dish it out but you can't take it. Stop writing on my post about your rubbish dilemmas. You sail through life without issues remember.

Hi all

Can we have a bit of peace and love, please?

OP, you sound totally normal. The pre-school stage is hard.

My house wasn't immaculate either, and my kids even played with the shoe rack on occasion. In fact, there was one memorable time when my eldest licked the steps on a climbing frame in the local park! I was horrified

I'm sorry your thread has been so badly derailed. Maybe give it a week and start a new one?

The trouble with none of us actually knowing OP (or Henrietta for that matter) is that there is inevitably projection, and it’s impossible to know whether tough love or validation is required.

I definitely know some families where life is generally chaotic and the children are visibly stressed by it, but the parents do the ‘pfft, there are more important things than a tidy house!’ line. I also definitely know some where the parents are neurotically anxious and (seriously, not fishing for compliments) describe their home as a disaster zone because the kids are playing with Lego in an otherwise Hinchy show home (and tbh I don’t think this pressure tends to do the kids much good either).

Probably all of us imagine we are somewhere in the middle, balancing work and housework and being present for our children as best as we can...

I also have a very critical mother OP and my view is that you just have to totally disengage. What she says is not even about the ways her life may have been easier than yours, it’s entirely about her own internal emotional stuff. If it wasn’t flowers in the garden and sparkly windows at all times, it would be something else (as you already know - your weight etc - Jesus, isn’t that alone enough to demonstrate to people reading this that the mother’s need to lash out at her children is the problem?!). You cannot persuade her to see it from your point of view (your DP isn’t a builder etc), you cannot prove to her that you’re doing enough or your balance is better or your choices are justified. She’s not listening and she will never listen and you need to stop listening too, and find ways to believe that you are good enough.

And the whole way you’re engaging with the couple of people on this thread who want to argue about piles of washing being cups of tea, is indicative of that. (And I would say that, to the extent that your responses are becoming increasingly defensive/hostile, that’s because it’s triggering the same reaction your critical mother does.) There is nothing you can say to prove that you’re good enough, to someone who is invested in believing otherwise.

I haven’t entirely got it sussed yet myself. But I do have some brilliant friends who would tell me honestly where I was falling short and therefore can credibly reassure me when my mother’s jabs hit home. And I also know to stop trying to win in some verbal battle with her. I give her an awkward silence, mostly, as it costs me nothing and lets her know Im not OK, without giving her further ammo.

Write them a letter and stop speaking them for a few weeks so they have some time to think about how they have hurt you.

Great post @NellWilsonsWhiteHair. The not listening bit has really struck home for me. My brother and I are always moaning that mum doesn't listen, but I'd never linked it to her criticism. I can see now it's all one and the same.

Don’t write a letter that your parents can show to people to play the victim!

Just don’t call for a while and if questioned calmly explain that you have been very busy (with chores).

Good point @SeaState3 - people like this will use written evidence against you. Just ignore them and focus on your own close family.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. You may find a lot there that resonates. Your mum is being a cow. Only people who are deeply insecure need to put other people down like that. Only a damaged, emotionally unhealthy parent would need to feel superior to their child. It’s not you it’s HER. There’s something wrong with her and she’s taking it out on you (and others).

@Mammyloveswine - OMG yes yes yes that is my dad too. I thought i was the only one. I get moaned at for not cleaning the bins, for not ripping every box up as small as possible in the bin, for not putting a large bin bag in the bin to stop the bin getting dirty.
The mum moans at me for not getting my windows cleaned/not getting all the little outstanding house bits finished indoors/the children being 'latch key kids' because they have to go to grandparents during the august school holidays as we both work (although slightly different this year !)/the car not being spotless inside and out/the garden not being spotless/house work in general/pushing me to spend money I don't have on the small outstanding house projects/moaning about what we spend the cash on for things I sell on ebay/moaning the children don't go out enough (2 ASD teens who refuse to leave their rooms most week-ends) and the list goes on .....

@SeaState3

Don’t write a letter that your parents can show to people to play the victim!

Just don’t call for a while and if questioned calmly explain that you have been very busy (with chores).

Great suggestion.

Avoid them because you are busy, on a loop.
Definitely don't write a letter, just avoid them.

It's nice to know im not alone. It's obviously a common thing. I think it's something my mum can compete with us over and it gives her a sense of being above us and the leader still. I think she likes to feel we will never be as great as her. But she's failing to acknowledge the difference in what we do. We do so much more as a family. The stuff we did as a family was always based around dad's ponds and gardens. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the garden centers as a kid. But the day out wasn't for us if that makes sense. It was because we needed pond filters or something.we fitted around their lives all the time. Where as now I think parents do invest more. My mum never would have taken us for a walk or to the park for ice cream.

She would never acknowledge her behaviour as being strange. The fact she's not seen my garden for a year and still thinks she knows it's a mess says it all. It's a shame she doesn't quit the comments and spend time at our houses having a cuppa and enjoying her grandkids. But she's destroyed any chance of enjoying weekends with her kids because she's made us all feel the same.

My friend told me once her mother in law went around whilst they were on holiday and used a strimmer allover the grass and wrecked it. She then lectured them on the recycling bin.

It's just ridiculous over such little things. If we get a bag ripped open by a fox we will clean it up. If we get a fine because the bins are full or wrong then that's our problem. ( Not saying these things apply to me as we don't have any extra rubbish at the moment) parents should let their adult children work it out and deal with any consequences in regards to rubbish and weeds.

Fair enough comment if the grass is up to your knees and the house stinks and is a mess or something like open water.

There is a post on here at the moment with a lady trying to sell her home. She's been told it's too tidy and needs some clutter to improve the look. So you can't win.

I'll look into the book thank you.

I've definitely got to retrain my brain. I responded to Henrietta too much and that's because it is so disheartening to read such judgemental suggestive responses from a so called proffesional, who should understand there is a large window of standards that are all as equally safe and acceptable. She seemed to misunderstand toddlers and exploring. She seemed to think theres no reason I can't garden with my kids there. It's just so frustrating that she instantly turned me into a mother not coping. When actuallty I feel I am so much more made for motherhood than my mum was. I know already that I won't neglect their emotional needs like she did.

Thanks for the replies. It's nice the threads gone back to normal now.

Your emotionally deficient childhood as left you vulnerable to being triggered by self righteous bullies - you have no obligation to explain yourself to such types - it’s just fuel for them. They love to goad and get a kick out of riling you.

Be confident that you have the right balance of values for you - spot these types sooner - and intervene early when you feel emotionally triggered to justify, defend or explain - and stop yourself. Don’t invest your finite time, emotional energy and headspace in them - conserve it for relaxed chill out time with your lovely little family in your calm and peaceful home.

Be aware of the deficits that your parents left and work to fill them in - your DCs will benefit from you being more confident and positive and swerving difficult characters.

@Chocolateoo my childhood was similar absolutely everything was around my Dad's hobbies. As a teenager he was really horrid when I gave up air cadets - I have it up because when I couldn't get a lift from parents/helpers my friend and I had to go on the bus changing in a rough town and it was in a VERY rough area. I was so embarrassed that he wouldn't help. Same with being picked up from friends houses - would rather I walked home using dodgy cuts and walkways meanwhile friends parents worried sick.

I had to give hobbies because the clashes with his etc. Then everything you did was criticised, wouldn't come to school stuff (competed at national school level) because it was boring, wasn't allowed out late as an adult to go for meals with friends etc.

Left with a legacy of low self esteem, depression and most likely undiagnosed SEN/mental health condition.

@RandomMess

That sounds awful too. Yeah I have always tried to understand that times have changed. But I remember as a child I was always with my best friend and her family. They were like my second family. They used to do fun things and always included me. We'd go to her aunties house and play with her cousins. On Friday nights they cooked garlic bread. We were allowed to camp in her garden and her mum always got her a bouncy castle for her birthday. I still feel today they provide me with random fun. Her mum would take us fishing down the river and stuff. She had brothers so her mum was quite good at doing a mixture of girly and more boyish things with us. She would take us down the local carnival too. My mum didn't bother. Occasionally I was allowed my friend over for tea. She was allowed to play over top but the atmosphere was never as fun at mine.

I remember another friend of mine at secondary school. Her mum used to hug her and tell her she loved her. She would make us bacon butties and let me sleep over at the weekends. I got my first Saturday job through her at a hotel. She also used to take us to the local pub and buy us a coke on a Sunday afternoon and play pool with us. Just was a nice mum all around.

I understand completely what you mean with confidence. I am confident as in I can talk to anyone. Ive done jobs where I've had to offer advice and I've also done palliative care in people's homes. So I've been confident in a huge variety of ways. But there are some things I struggle with. One being I hate meals with strangers. I don't personally enjoy eating out unless it's relaxed and I'm with people I know well. I don't like going to weddings or occasions where I'm expected to dress up. My mum has made me feel I don't know how to look good so I can definitely see the issues I have. I find i have only ever been invited to weddings of cousins I don't see or to tag along to a work colleague of my partners. I always decline them as it's my worst nightmare. I would enjoy it if it was a couple I saw and felt comfortable with though.

I also never got a huge taste of going out clubbing and chasing after boys when I was younger. I did do things. I had boyfriend's. I went out with friends. I sometimes got to know a lad through friends and we would text or meet. But looking back I didn't have the confidence to ever go after what I wanted. Lads at school and stuff I never spoke too apart from a few that were in my group. But I didn't fancy them lol.

It comes out in different ways because I have never been taught to go out with confidence and be who I want to be. People say you can't blame your mum now you are grown up, but it's a hard habbit to break. I have really pushed myself in the past and I know I've come along way. I just hope I don't pass any of it onto my own kids.