Sick of my mums digs

[Chocolateoo]

My parents drive me mad because I don't keep my home/garden how they did.

My dad is a carpenter, joiner, builder, landscape gardener, farmer, garden ornament maker. He has done all these jobs In the 30 years I've been around. He can also do tiling, painting and vegetable growing. He is naturally good at a variety of things.

My partner is really good at technology. He's in a well paid job. He's worked really hard to get where he is.

My mum has zero skills. She's a kept women and has been for 35+++ years. She's not done anything my entire life to contribute to my dad's beautiful gardens and home projects. She's always cleaned the house and sorted shopping.

We have a weird shaped garden and it's just simple and has no plants/flowers. It's just somewhere for the kids to play. Neither of us have a clue how to make such a weird shape look nice. It's all on different levels and it's a triangle. Plus we can't afford to do anything to it right now. Plus we have not got the time due to jobs, kids and limited time.

My parents have both, but especially my mum dig at us. Last night my mum showed me a photo of me in our beautiful garden full of flowers. I made a joke about our rubbish garden. She joined in but kept going. She said yes get your messy garden sorted. Get it cleaned up (move your bins???) Get your friggin grass cut (it gets cut!) Get it weeded and get all your crap to the tip....you can also put bits in your bin each week.

I politely told her she's just lucky she's married somebody who does these things and told her my partner has a different skill set. She said well kick his arse then. Get him squared up!!!

This sort of conversation has happened too many times to count. She even rang me on holiday last year. Dad went around to put my bin out and moaned I had two binbags at the side of it to go in after its emptied and a cardboard box. I ended up with her advising me about the tip and things again. I reminded her that they were allowed to put unlimited bags out on the curbs in the 90s. So when they were in the thick of having young children and lots of nappies it was easy for her. I had had a clear out which in turn filled the bin up.

She also bangs on about how the house was Always tidy when we were little. Drives me mad because she had us 1 year apart. So we went through every stage together. My kids have a 3 year gap so I've always been in 2 stages.

I'm just fed up of her being so ignorant when due to my dad's skillset she's able to have nice things due to not needing to pay out for tradesmen. It costs us alot more for that reason alone.

Henrietta, to be honest youre the one that sounds highly strung by this thread. Has this triggered something for you? I think you leaving this thread might be best for your mental health, and the OPs!

OP I've found counselling to detach from negative parenting really helpful.

Sss are you a counsellor? Your comments are really wise and in line with what Im learning!

My mum's like this too OP, she once told me that they don't come to visit very often because my house is disgusting. It's so not!

Luckily I have now had counselling and can handle her better. You've had some good advice on here, apart from the obvious troll, but it will take time to become more resilient to her.

Just hang on to the fact that you are doing your best to develop a close bond with your DC, which will always be more important than a spotless house. I actually think that my mum now realises that, but due to her low self esteem she can't admit it.

@HenriettaSpoffer

You need to resign. You are a bully. It was daughter's dress being too creased. Not her hair. Do you actually bother to read.

You are calling me lazy now. You are disgusting and should not be allowed near vunerable people. You sound toxic and judgemental and nobody would want you in their home through fear of judging

How the hell can you judge my home based on this. You probably treat your kids the same and my post hit a nerve.

@Strugglingtodomybest

Thank you. You sound lovely. Sorry your mum did that too you. It's just cruel. Especially when they don't even offer to help. My mum's never said pop the kids to me if you want a couple of hours anytime to do jobs. She barks her opinions with no help on offer.

Yes there's a troll on here who can analyse people apparently. She has admitted in her last post what she has truly thought all along. My mum's got to be right. I've got issues or I'm just lazy. She obviously relates to My mum.

@Sssloou

Thank you. I actually have a narcissistic book too. I think it's become an issue since becoming a mum because you realise what mums should be like. A mum should show concern for the right reasons. What Henrietta doesn't understand is my mum calls my accountant sister thick behind her back. She moans about my sister helping her partner all the time to get his business going. She moans my sister didn't do enough with her kids. Yet she says mine are spoilt. She found fault with everything when I was pregnant. My choice to find out the sex. My name choices. She was rude about me having a 4d scan. She never supported me after the birth. Not even a cup of tea or an offer of food. She's choosen to nit pick and not be hands on. She's made comments on our weight, our homes, our children's behaviours. She was critical about the nursery I choose and the fact they let the kids explore in mud and come home filthy. She then was vocal because there's a school on my road but I picked one a mile away because it's got a really good reputation and it's located in a nicer area. She said the uniform wasn't nice. She mocked it because it's next to a hospital. She said ooooo sending her to school with the drs kids. It goes on and on. She thinks it's humour half the time. What Henrietta doesn't understand is my mum and dad had a spotless home. But my mum did nothing with us. Not like other mums did. She didn't ever take us to the park. We took ourselves. She never offered a hug in those difficult teen years. She never told us what we were good at. She was helpless in those ways. It's awful that a so called SW or whatever has jumped on the I have got issues bandwagon and my mum's likely worried. If my mum's so worried then where is she? She's not worried. She's just a negative person who never wanted children ( she's told me all four of us were a mistake) but she half agreed to one of us
Also I've coped absolutely fine and I've loved being a mum. It only upsets me that I've missed out on a close relationship with a helpful mum. But that's the card I've been dealt.

I think when my son's in some sort of childcare it will be good to speak through it. But I don't need to speak to my gp. I don't think Henrietta realises there is nothing a go can do. The waiting lists for councilling are crazy long.

Your reactions to posters does seem extreme - would it be fair to say you can have a quite 'explosive' or 'prickly' attitude?

Having a bunch of clean clothes pulled on to the floor makes more work for you - it might be easier in the long run to put them into a basket and take them upstairs whilst your DC are safely behind the baby gates you mention, as then you aren't doubling your work by having to pick it up multiple times.

Extra bin bags - that's something that would mean the foxes pull everything all over the street here, especially nappies, which is disgusting for everybody. In other areas, it would mean the rubbish wasn't collected at all.

If there are lots of random things out the back, it does really help to get them out and cleared. Doing it bit by bit does work in the long run, far better than having to schedule a one off bag and tip run, although if there's lots and lots of things, it might be better to do it all in one go - but it sounds as though you don't have the time for that. Doing it bit by bit is therefore easier than not doing it at all.

Shoe racks - well, if they aren't by the front door, they might as well not be there, in my opinion - you may as well take all the shoes upstairs and shove them in the bottom of the wardrobes so nobody has to look at or risk tripping over them. And again, it was making more work for you than dealing with it.

But children do need their hair brushed and whilst a bit of dirt doesn't hurt, having a place that looks dirty and messy isn't the same as that.

Your angry reaction reminds me of my mother's and a few old neighbours' excuses for having a dirty and dangerous home and garden. It was always 'I'm too busy', 'It's the kids' fault', 'I don't have time or the money like x person', 'I'm not rich enough for a cleaner', 'It would be tidy if it was bigger', 'It'll be fine once...' (which would be a situation where it was even less likely to be fine, such as when there are two children to wrangle into different places, getting to the childminder and work and still doing all the home stuff as well because the other adults in the house isn't around to do it).

It can be very helpful to have clear surfaces and spaces, as there aren't 'things' demanding you see them and deal with them. It's a lot calmer to sit down where you aren't thinking 'there's the washing, there's the shoes, there's the dirt on the kitchen cabinets, there's the washing up', etc, I'd also suggest that if at all possible, you get a dishwasher, as being able to shove everything in there and go and do something more interesting makes a huge difference to both the look of the kitchen and saves you anything up to an hour a day, depending upon how much you use as a family of four.

Getting to the point of demanding people are fired and getting so angry on a mere internet thread does make it sound as though you are using attack as the best form of defence. And maybe you would benefit from having some more help (as you aren't getting much from a DP that's out at work all the time).

Maybe seeing the GP isn't such a bad idea, as they can make sure that you haven't got anything underlying that's adding to your reactions, such as hyperthyroidism? Once they're eliminated, I'd suggest you find ways to get stress out - if a big clearout doesn't work for you because your dad won't come and help drive stuff to the tip whilst DP is at work, perhaps finding an exercise class or something you enjoy whilst they babysit would help?

Well done Chocolatetoo - you are v emotionally wise - you have exactly the measure of Henrietta - it is she who needs to see a GP to explore her inability to suppress her unresolved issues / rage with her own mother that she is compelled to project on to innocent people and bully and subjugate them. Her poor DCs having this overbearing obnoxious judgemental individual in their lives.

Mitzi what an odd post. I assumed about the prickly/extreme reactions you were referring to Henrietta!!

My mum has zero skills. She's a kept women and has been for 35+++ years. She's not done anything my entire life to contribute to my dad's beautiful gardens and home projects. She's always cleaned the house and sorted shopping.

Cleaning is a skill.

@MitziK
I think Henrietta has named changed lol.

We keep the shoes in our extension if that's ok with you right near the pegs for coats. Why would you trip over them.

We have wash baskets. What an amazing suggestion about taking it up. Obviously it does go up eventually. When the toddlers safely napping or whatever.

What would you like me to do about an extra bag of rubbish. How exactly do you think people managed in the 90s before the council have bins?

My daughter has lovely tidy hair and baths every other night. Who cares if her dress has a few creases in. We have an iron and it gets used. So thanks for that rubbish advice. I'm prickly to people who speak nonsense like you.

Also @MitziK
Who said my surfaces are not clear?

@honeygirlz

Yes one that I do. Incase you've missed my point. We can't afford to do our garden up right now. I have stayed home the last few years and I'm well aware what running a home is.

My point is my mum is married to a man who has randomly done pond projects. Home extensions. Built up flower beds in the garden. He's tiled the kitchen. He's painted the kitchen. He hangs doors. He makes things. He is a landscape gardener. He won't do my house up though as he's busy working and is getting older. Which is absolutely fine. He wouldn't do it if I paid him either.

I also do my housework but I'm also focused on my young children now. They make a mess and we spend the weeknds as a family or relaxing abit. We cut the grass when it gets a few inches long. We are not unhygienic. We are not dirty. We are not hoarders. We have space on the work top. We can get it nice and tidy with everything away in a couple of hours. My mum has never picked a paint brush up or pulled a weed out. She's never done a tip run. She's never built anything. She doesn't do the hanging basket. my dad does. Because he knows how to turn his hand to anything. He's also child free now. We've taken a different approach to parenting. One where we don't focus on the wrong things and ignore the kids.

My surfaces are only completely clear when the cleaner comes...

We all have different skills. Housework isnt my strongest! Im a fab mum though, and we have great adventures.

@PineappleUpsideDownCake

You must be a lazy slob like me. You do know a spotless house Is so much more important than playing with the kids don't you lol. Also If you can't garden with a toddler and A five year old hanging off you then you shouldn't be a parent. Also I hope you make the kids stand next to you when you make a cup of tea. You must never take your eyes off them. Not even at home. Not for a second. Because they could touch your folded washing. Lol x

[quote Chocolateoo]@MitziK
I think Henrietta has named changed lol.

We keep the shoes in our extension if that's ok with you right near the pegs for coats. Why would you trip over them.

We have wash baskets. What an amazing suggestion about taking it up. Obviously it does go up eventually. When the toddlers safely napping or whatever.

What would you like me to do about an extra bag of rubbish. How exactly do you think people managed in the 90s before the council have bins?

My daughter has lovely tidy hair and baths every other night. Who cares if her dress has a few creases in. We have an iron and it gets used. So thanks for that rubbish advice. I'm prickly to people who speak nonsense like you.[/quote]
To me, it makes more sense to have coats and shoes by the door you come in from, rather than traipse across the house into the extension. And if you've got stairgates, it's safe enough to take a washbasket upstairs where a toddler can't get to it at the time, not after they've been pulled over and you've had to pick the stuff up off the floor at least once.

Extra bags of rubbish. Well, before the council issued wheelie bins, you bought your own galvanised steel one and if your entire waste for the week didn't fit into it, the bin men didn't take it, so it had to go into the now empty steel bin for the following week. These days, we actually have kerbside recycling and huge bins, compared to the 70s/80s/90s.

The thing is that, although you're saying everything will be fine when circumstances change, from experience, once you have two kids and school and nursery and a job, when you're pretty much doing it all on your own (or you are doing it all on your own), it's even harder to get even the basics done.

But you clearly aren't looking for anybody to say that there are things that can make your life easier or that you are reacting very strongly/are being extremely hostile, which might suggest that you are very stressed and possibly might benefit from checking whether there is something else going on. So carry on as you are.

Hopefully, you will be fortunate enough to find becoming significantly busier outside your home paradoxically makes handling all these household things easier - but I would say that the people your answers remind me of still have homes as bad or worse than when their children were tiny thirty years after said children have left home and they're still saying 'It's alright for you'.

My home is significantly cleaner/tidier than it was when the kids were young because they now don't play with toys and also because I have got better over time at keeping on top of it. eg wiping round the bathroom sink after I clean my teeth has become habit now, rather than one more thing I had to try and remember in the maelstrom of newness that having a baby entails.

I can appreciate that if you grew up in a normal house with love then it can be very hard to imagine how hurtful it is to hear that your house is too messy (or whatever) coming out of the mouth of the person who never gave you any love or attention because they were too busy cleaning and tidying the house you grew up in, which, as another poster pointed out, doesn't end up feeling very homely either.

My house leads straight into the kitchen so I can't put a rack in there. But seriously I don't need such ridiculous advise. I can sort out my home fine.

There isn't any problems. My mum just needs to stop not picking at me. She does it because she's negative and cut off from life and has nothing going on in her own life. She had her chance to be a mum. She choose to interact with us as little as possible and focus on her cleaning. I've choose to balance it.

I will not struggle when they are both at school. Why would I struggle. You do realise I dont struggle don't you. I just cqn either care for my kids. Do some jobs. Or ignore My kids and spend it all doing pointless jobs that need doing again next week. I don't have the money right now for a garden makeover!

I had extra rubbish because I had a clear out. I don't drive. So it waitied a week and went in the next day after it was emptied. No foxes got it.

We have a different bin system to you. Every area is different.

I've been hostile to the crazy social worker who thinks it's a horror that a toddler touches washing.

Picture this. You've fed the kids. You got them dressed. You washed up. You folded yesterdays washing and put it on the table to take up next time you go up. You go out to the park. You bring the kids back. You are making the kids a sandwich. Toddler starts playing with the washing. Never mind. It will go up and be put into the wardrobes or ironed.

Explain to me why that means I don't have my shit together?

Or this scenario. Toddler goes through a stage of shoes. He went through a wheel stage too. Then a ball stage. Now he likes shoes. He gets the shoes off the rack. He chucks them on the floor. He brings people their shoes and says come on let's walk. I put the shoes back on later because I'm having a cup of tea or doing some work with my other child. Or perhaps I'm on the phone. Or peeling veg. Explain why I haven't got my shit together?

Every couple of weekends we cut the grass. We pull up some weeds every now and then. But the garden has some grass and stones. It's safe and the children are happy out there. We have a plan for a new kitchen and a garden project. But we decided priority was to get our extension done first. We decided to get a tiled roof and replace the rubbish windows. We got skylights in. A nice new table for our meals it cost £8000 as we paid someone to do it. It was our first big home improvement.

So imagine how irritating it is that people want you to spend money on things right now that would mean getting into debt.

Come on @HenriettaSpoffer, couldn't it be possible that you are over interpreting OP's actions. Surely you wouldn't judge you clients by the state of their garden, if house was a little messy and the children happy, fed, clean and on time for school.

Couldn't it be possible that OP's mum is critical and holding op to her standards living with just her dh and with all the time in the world to clean and no dc at home.

And don't stoop to 'you ok hun, go to nethuns'. I think you might project what you see in your work onto this op.

Everybody cheer up, insults don't bring solutions and good moods .

@HenriettaSpoffer

I thought you was hiding the thread lol.

Omg you won't stop. I don't need a gp. My mum's annoying that's all! Your children must have been wrapped in cotton wool and bathes in Dettol. Get a grip! Bye. I'm off to enjoy my roast dinner and take my children for a walk. Then I'll wash up and bath them and pop them to bed. Shoes are on the rack safely. Washing is away. Don't panic. I haven't let him touch any washing today.

I think you need to see the GP. You can't seperate work from real life. Not healthy. You are heading to a mental breakdown. I am worried about you.