Sick of my mums digs

[Chocolateoo]

My parents drive me mad because I don't keep my home/garden how they did.

My dad is a carpenter, joiner, builder, landscape gardener, farmer, garden ornament maker. He has done all these jobs In the 30 years I've been around. He can also do tiling, painting and vegetable growing. He is naturally good at a variety of things.

My partner is really good at technology. He's in a well paid job. He's worked really hard to get where he is.

My mum has zero skills. She's a kept women and has been for 35+++ years. She's not done anything my entire life to contribute to my dad's beautiful gardens and home projects. She's always cleaned the house and sorted shopping.

We have a weird shaped garden and it's just simple and has no plants/flowers. It's just somewhere for the kids to play. Neither of us have a clue how to make such a weird shape look nice. It's all on different levels and it's a triangle. Plus we can't afford to do anything to it right now. Plus we have not got the time due to jobs, kids and limited time.

My parents have both, but especially my mum dig at us. Last night my mum showed me a photo of me in our beautiful garden full of flowers. I made a joke about our rubbish garden. She joined in but kept going. She said yes get your messy garden sorted. Get it cleaned up (move your bins???) Get your friggin grass cut (it gets cut!) Get it weeded and get all your crap to the tip....you can also put bits in your bin each week.

I politely told her she's just lucky she's married somebody who does these things and told her my partner has a different skill set. She said well kick his arse then. Get him squared up!!!

This sort of conversation has happened too many times to count. She even rang me on holiday last year. Dad went around to put my bin out and moaned I had two binbags at the side of it to go in after its emptied and a cardboard box. I ended up with her advising me about the tip and things again. I reminded her that they were allowed to put unlimited bags out on the curbs in the 90s. So when they were in the thick of having young children and lots of nappies it was easy for her. I had had a clear out which in turn filled the bin up.

She also bangs on about how the house was Always tidy when we were little. Drives me mad because she had us 1 year apart. So we went through every stage together. My kids have a 3 year gap so I've always been in 2 stages.

I'm just fed up of her being so ignorant when due to my dad's skillset she's able to have nice things due to not needing to pay out for tradesmen. It costs us alot more for that reason alone.

I had a lovely health visitor who used to say she worried more about those who felt they had to be obsessively tidy for her visit!

@Chocolateoo Pls ignore Henrietta's pontificating and abusing her role as a so-called SW by projecting her made up nonsense to fit her own narrative.

I've never had SW involvement myself but I've witnessed a SW with the God complex in full flow once and she spent far too much time inferring a decent and loving parent "wasn't coping" rather than intervening with genuinely neglected children.
The mother who lives next door to my old house beats her son black & blue - I heard it every night (I was beaten as a child and know exactly what a crying child being hit sounds like) and she even did it in the back garden a few times too.
I of course reported it and called Police every single time I heard or witnessed it. Then overheard her telling a friend loudly outside (I wasn't eavesdropping, this was said loudly) that she just got a letter sent saying they weren't going to investigate and a sodding leaflet!
Four times I've called SS directly - in tears after hearing it all.

He's two years old.

@HenriettaSpoffer You're bang out of order. Go protect actual neglecting children please. Leave OP alone

I have had Social Services involvement (I had very severe PND) and my HV warned me not to tidy up too much for their visit because an immaculate home with kids is more of a warning bell than a messy one. Obviously neither are definite signs that something is wrong but a messy house is absolutely not a reason for Social Services involvement!

They don't expect spotless homes at all. They understand people have different incomes and schedules and support. The women who's mum has the child over night has more time than the mum who has no childcare options. Also they don't expect people to have a vegetable patch and a shiny window. I presume they expect hazards like knives, medicine and tools out the way. They will expect to not find poo allover the house or vile smells due to poor hygiene. I would expect they would be concerned if hording meant doors were blocked and there was fire and rat risk. I would presume they would be concerned if the children were filthy and smelly. I would presume they would be concerned about windows being wide open especially in flats. I presume they would be worried about brushing. Empty cupboards. No toys around. A dangerous animal. Parents on drugs. Parents in abusive relationships. Parents with a history of self harm.

But a parent who had a pile of washing pushed onto the floor that was clean and q few shoes is never going to be considered a risk.

Go to the gp and say my mum is mean about my weeds?

You do realise mental health services are stretched beyond managable. Just because I get annoyed at her constant digs and there's some stuff from my childhood that has altered how I could have been doesn't mean I'm falling apart. My mum annoyed me. That's all. Surely someone annoyed you before and you don't go to the gp.

Who cares what you have to do at work. It's not your job on Mumsnet to boast about your responsibilities. As I've said many children who are actually beaten and killed are missed by so called health visitors. Social workers go into homes because their are concerns for the child. Not because the grandma doesn't like the garden. I'm sure most people who work in your sort of role with kids are far from perfect at home. Plenty will have a rubbish garden and an ironing pile whilst young children are in the home.

As I said you said you never stopped watching yours. So if I have to be watching my son every second how will I get things done. It's quite acceptable for. 2 and 5 year old to be in the living room whilst w parent washes up. They have access to come to me and I can also check on them and shout through. It's not like I left a knife on the sofa. It is clothing sometimes before I take it upstairs.

Jesus Henrietta, you really have blown this out of proportion, unnecessarily brought up safeguarding and gotten quite obsessive.

Give it a rest ffs.

Exactly that's your role. You are making suggestions about things being dangerous on a public forum with a closed mind.

If you are trained to support families then why an earth would you see a mother being criticized for something so small and trivial and not say...as long as your home is safe and hygienic and your children are happy then you have nothing to worry about.

You said I'm sorry but if I saw your washing pile had been pushed over and your shoes were also out I would write that down as concerns. That's absolutely nuts! Without an actual reason to be in someone's home that's nuts.

If you are sent to a mum who has been reported. You go into her home. The kitchens filthy. The dirty clothes are piled up on the kitchen floor. It stinks. The baby is at risk because there's hazards. The baby is dirty and Perhaps the mums depressed and you can see she can barely get out of bed and function for her children you would be concerned.

If you went into a home and saw a mum who's cooked a meal and washed up. Has clean clothes ready for the wardrobe and two happy children with access to an outdoor area with slides and bikes. The house doesn't smell. Theres no animals. Theres no hazards and safety there are locks. Side windows are locked. Mums not depressed. Gets up everyday and baths her children regularly. They have access to fruit and vegetables and have a good range of toys and books to look at. They have modern furniture and new clothes. They have a shoe shelf and each child has wellies, shoes and trainers. You can see some fingerprints and the toddlers chucked some bits around the floor. I'm pretty sure you wouldnt be concerned unless there was a claim of abuse. Which there is not one so it seems irrelevant. My daughter is at school on time. She's never been late. We were signed of straight away from the midwife and health visitor. Infact my health visitor was so lovely with my second baby. We spoke as mother's. She talked to me about life when she had little children. She even acknowledged the guidelines were different and her kids grew up fine. She was reassuring and helpful. She wasn't writing down that my two year old was making a mess and there were some pots waiting by the sink (which there were) she understood I had little kids.

I know I'm not perfect or up to hinch standards. But I'm doing ok!

You questioning how I will cope when my littlest goes to school and I get a job. That's a question you'd ask a struggling parent in your care. Not someone on a forum who's fed up of her mum being rude! Not acknowledging any of the good things we do is why my mum.annoys me. Look at half the replies on here. Daughter's of critical mums ....

HenriettaSpoffer: it is clear you are in the wrong job, please resign. Vulnerable families need safeguarding from the likes of you.

Chocotateoo the only problem I see that you have is here is not being confident enough to see the blatant bullying and thuggery of Henrietta and be able to ignore her. She really doesn’t deserve your energy. I think it’s a similar dynamic to your DM. These petty tyrant types are really are not worth the shit on your shoe!

This thread is ridiculous . If all with young dc and no gardening interest/time should visit our gp, the nhs would break down.

My dc have now left home, and I still cba to have an immaculate garden, what does that make me ?

I find it quite unbelievable that a genuine safeguarding officer would make the kind of comments we've seen on this thread.

@Tappering

I find it quite unbelievable that a genuine safeguarding officer would make the kind of comments we've seen on this thread.

Me too . And worse , I really really hope that people who are TRULY struggling with their kids , and no , I definitely don’t mean you OP , you sound just like every other slightly stretched mum of young kids ( my M IL could be your mum) , don’t read Henrietta’s posts , because they could easily deter those struggling for asking for help , just for fear of coming across an officious sanctimonious judgemental pillock like her . Safeguarding officer , social worker , whatever , they think they’re all the same .

Thanks everyone. I have finished responding to her. It's nice that nobody has backed her up about the shoes or washing.

She could be faking her role. Easy to do I guess. Probably unemployed with no children. She doesn't seem to understand toddlers at all or parents for that matter.

@plominoagain

Agreed. Especially because she's creating something in her head. I've not come on here with a social worker case.

So sorry your thread got derailed OP. You don't need help, you need your mum to keep her snippy judgements to herself.

Knocking over a shoe rack or washing pile is nothing. A child might do these things in play pretending to be an aeroplane or setting up a jump for a toy car. They might like the sound the shoes make when they drop to the floor, they might have been looking for their favourite newly washed blanket or think it’s funny to see clothes fly. Does it really matter? No. Does it mean op is a neglectful parent? No. Does OP spend quality time with her kids and nourish them physically and emotionally? Yes. Are the children kept safe? Yes. However throw into the mix abuse or neglect or extreme hoarding or illness it might be that social services support is needed. I see non of these concerns in OPs posts though.

Jesus.

I know someone who is involved in child social care - I can imagine them responding very similiarly to HenriettaSpoffer to an issue like this.

Bowling in, missing the point, prissy, silly, unintelligent, tone deaf.

The wrong kind of people are too often attracted to roles such as this - it's an occupational hazard I think.

"What if the pile of washing had been a cup of hot tea?" Or a Ming Vase? Or a rabid werewolf? wtaf.

Anyhow, back in the real world...
My mum was a bit similar and loved trying to get a rise out of me. Don't rise. For the sport, if she makes remarks about the garden, say oh it's just as well I REALLY don't care about gardening. A bland, breezy , "Oh well, we're all different" covers a lot of bases and can be repeated as necessary. That should take the wind out of her sails a bit if she's just trying to win at being better than you...you're not even playing the game.

Also, for the sport, change the subject and start banging on about your husband's ace techy job when she starts digging about something else. It doesn't matter a damn if you don't really understand his latest project, she knows even less so start brightly gabbling on about how great the project is- fling out as many techy words as you can- and how amazing he is at it yada yada till her eyes glaze over. Then start going on at length about how you and the kids found snails on a walk or something (or whatever you do with them) and how much fun you had and how great the kids are and how much you love spending time with them. Bore the absolute pants off her with enthusiasm, positivity and love for your family, she deserves it. If she interrupts with digs just pretend you didn't even hear.

Thanks everyone. Youve made me feel heaps better and I've taken all your advice on board and will use some of the suggestions.

Dirt is good for immune system. too clean is not god for the immune system. If Hans died from shoe dirt we would not survive child hood. My son licked his or wheel once. I was horrified. He didn't get sick lol.

What if the pile of washing had been a cup of hot tea?

Jumped the shark with that one.

What if Henrietta's child cut a finger whilst helping her garden!

Seriously Chocolatetoo your DMs neglectful “parenting” has left you with a big deficit that has nothing to do with housework/gardening - seems like she has crushed your self esteem.......and you need to work on re-parenting yourself to build that up - so that you can be emotionally robust and can spot and swat away sniper bullies.