Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

[Bibbitybobbottyboo]

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

[Dozer]

Yes, he’s clearly telling you who he is: if you’ve got sense you’ll pay attention and ask him to move out asap!

[Nanny0gg]

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

He’s definitely at his parents, I’ve sometimes had to drop things off etc. But I feel so torn. I love him and want to be with him, I hate the thought of him leaving. But I don’t want to be forever in this situation.

Sorry to be blunt, but you will be.

And he's moved in with you? How convenient.

Either kick him out now, or pack up his stuff while he's at the wedding (petty but gratifying)

[MoreListeningLessChatting]

I really feelfor you @Bibbitybobbottyboo. He really isn't thinking of your needs at all.

It feels like he sees you as temporary and he is your lodger with the best bits added on. He can do family with children and ex and play happy families and then do fun with girlfriend and live in your home.

It feels like he is disrespecting you and not even slightly concerned about how you feel about it just putting your feelings aside completely.
You deserve better that this

[I8toys]

No I wouldn't like it or put up with it - its not normal. You seem to be convenient for his current situation.

[bakedoff]

Firstly, why is he even dating? Seriously. None of what he’s doing or saying is normal. I know lots of separated couples with similar age kids. Sons cheated, some didn’t and NONE of them have behaved or would behave like this. They are in new relationships and the new person comes above the ex. She cheated, you’ve been with him nearly two years, you now live together..,WTF is all of this utter utter nonsense. It’s nonsense. Everything he’s saying and doing is nonsense and NOBODY that I know or have known behaves likes this. He is not normal and you are not being treated right or fairly. You need to challenge this. Say you’ve spoken around to lots of other people and everybody thinks it’s weird and unacceptable. So you didn’t get a wedding invite...it sucks but ok. I’d live with that but the rest is a NO. If he shared a room with the EX the relationship would be OVER. End of.

[8HannaH8]

Also just to add. He is choosing to keep his kids from you because legally his ex wife cannot stop him introducing you to them if he wanted to, while the kids are with him that's actually his decision who the kids are around. That is his CHOICE and she also seems to have an element of control over him. Ask him if she would do the same when she meets someone or lives with someone? It's like he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

I do understand that he wouldn't want to introduce the girls to you right away but it has been coming up 2 years? You need to move on of he isn't willing to love forward with you as a full part of his life.

[Allgirlskidsanddogs]

It would be a No from me.

I can understand you not being invited, don’t agree with it though. Long journey as a family, no. Sharing a room as a family, no.

He has not fully moved on, he won’t stand up to her. This is likely to be the tip of the iceberg, don’t waste any more time on him. It’s a LTB from me, tell him to pack and leave by the end of the week.

[Bibbitybobbottyboo]

I’m currently driving around in tears. I asked if I would start to get included in family events alongside the ex and he said he didn’t think that his daughters would like that. I said I didn’t want him going with his ex wife without me and he insisted that was what has been arranged for the girls. He wouldn’t give an answer as to whether things will change and told me of I couldn’t accept it, then our relationship wouldn’t continue. So I’ve told him that is his choice and to be gone to his parents by the time I get back later this evening. I can’t believe it’s come to this so quickly, he didn’t even fight for me.

[GabsAlot]

were u with him when the invites went out-nothing wrong with inviting his x but they should be invited as seprate parties and him with his partner

even so he never needs to stay in the same room as her

[SentientAndCognisant]

@BibbitybobbottybooBibbitybobbottyboo Love in itself doesn’t save or change people.
People change because they can, because they want to
You won’t change him, nor will you save him from the Alleged turmoil of his ex
He wants her. Not you

Sorry to be blunt

[AbbieFB]

What you think and feel is of no importance to him, he is telling you this loud and clear.

End it now, this relationship will never bring you happiness.

[bakedoff]

In fact, I’d be packing his bags and do a no nonsense “you’ve made your choice. This is my firm boundary. You stay in a separate room and make it clear why and I see room booking evidence or we are DONE” if you don’t stand up for yourself now then he will mug you off forever. You should also be asking yourself if you really want to be with a man with morals this despicable. Don’t you want a guy who wants YOU? Pack this loser in.

[Username7521]

Run run run. There is no future with this man.
After 20 months and living together, having him move out to see his kids is a red flag.
To be honest, I would totally let me DP go in this situation, but there is no bloody way he would. And no way he would ever share a room with his ex.

[Brieminewine]

If I was you he would be packing his bags right now.

Completely unacceptable to be playing happy families at a wedding with his ex whilst having a serious live in girlfriend. Surely it will be confusing for young children to see their mum and dad together and staying overnight in the same room when they are split up? It’s so disrespectful too, I would assume you and him had ended and they were giving it another go if I was a wedding attendee.

[AbbieFB]

Just read your update. Well done. I'm sorry you're going through this but it's absolutely the right thing to do.

[GabsAlot]

cross posted with you

im really sorry but its the right thing to do-youre right though and it must hurt that he didnt evne try

[OhCaptain]

PLEASE stick to your guns. I know it’s shit but if you back down now he’ll know he has a free pass to treat you like shit.

He didn’t fight because a) he doesn’t believe you and b) you’re not important enough to him.

I’m sorry but I really believe that.

[SentientAndCognisant]

Sounds like it’s came to an abrupt head. He didn’t even fight to save your relationship
Again he’s said like it or lump it
Hard as it is, see the signal,hear his words. Split up now

[FatCatThinCat]

I can’t believe it’s come to this so quickly, he didn’t even fight for me.

He doesn't love you. He's been using you as a roof over his head with sex on tap. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you deserve better than someone's 'she'll do for now'.

[lockdownalli]

Do you think he will actually leave OP?

This type tends to sit it out and try to bully you back into your place. I would text him and tell him he has to be gone by X time and to confirm he has left, and to leave his keys.

[PinkyBrain]

Do you not have a convenient ex you could plan a weekend away with? It’s not as if he could complain is it?

He knows he’s crossing boundaries here, don’t let him turn this on you being jealous.

[Tistheseason17]

OP - I'm sorry it has come to this, but better now than many years of coming bottom in his priorities.

You will grieve the relationship and then think about what you deserve and do not settle for less.

[SentientAndCognisant]

Get his stuff pack it up in boxes put in yellow storage for a week, or courier it to his parents
Change your locks, change your pin on bank card, if you share Joint accounts take what’s yours and close joint acc

[8HannaH8]

@Bibbitybobbottyboo I hope your ok! I can understand your upset but seriously that's no way to be treated... So be strong.

He may not have fought for you but in time he will soon realise that no woman is likely to accept that arrangement.

Give it some time.

[bakedoff]

He didn’t fight for you.

I’m sorry but that tells you everything. Don’t lower yourself to accept a sub standard man/relationship. What a prick. Talking to you like that. He is doing all of this because he “thinks his girls won’t like it” that’s not acceptable and he is the adult. He has been with you for two years and he should have already introduced you to them anyway and it be normal for you to be around. You’re not some dirty little secret. Have pride. You deserve better than this. Anyway, he’s setting a really bad example for his kids. How on Earth are they going to not be psychologically damaged by him playing happy families at this wedding?? And sleeping in the same room! It’s his DUTY to show them clear boundaries. He’s showing them some fucked up behaviour. Do yourself a favour and don’t be involved. You sound lovely. Find yourself somebody who would go to the ends of the earth for you.