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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 04/08/2020 01:20

Hats off to you OP, you're a strong kick ass lady.

When you're feeling sad and heartbroken, imagine how you'd have been feeling when he was off with his ex, staying in the same room leaving you alone at home all weekend. Think about every weekend him going to see his children pretending that he was single to them and probably his ex for weekend after weekend for years and years.

You're worth so much more than to feel like a dirty secret and OW. One day you'll be the proud partner of someone who is proud to call you their partner

jimmyjammy001 · 04/08/2020 01:25

Your free and single without any commitments now, you will find someone else, he will just be in the same situation again when he meets someone couple of kids in tow and planning things with the ex, at least you know for next time try and date people without kids it is more likely to work out longterm, it very rarely works out due to all the complications and hassle involved on your part which you are expedited to put up with when kids are involved.

bebarkered · 04/08/2020 06:12

At the end of the day OP, he's just a man. Men are easy to replace. Remember that. The important people in your life are the ones that always have your back. Your family, and, true friends xxx

Thehop · 04/08/2020 06:56

You are the most phenomenally strong lady who deserves so much better than this cock nostril.

The read this thread whenever you waver OP.

You’re amazing and will look back on this and wonder what you saw in him. Just get through this shit bit xx

AlwaysCheddar · 04/08/2020 06:59

Good for you! He would never have committed. You’ve done the right thing. Don’t have him back.

YinuCeatleAyru · 04/08/2020 07:00

you are doing so well. you have made the right decision.

yes it hurts right now but remember that you are mourning for and missing a relationship that you thought you had, and your misperception was revealed when he showed you his true colours. if you were to take him back (don't!) you would not get back the thing you have lost because it never truly existed in the first place. he just isn't who you thought he was, and even if he manages to pretend for a short time, you will always know it is a mask. it is ok to grieve, just remember that it's not "him" you are missing, but instead the fantasy version of him (one who is a decent person) who does not exist.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 04/08/2020 08:04

When I started reading this I thought it would be another long thread where a bloke gets away with treating his partner like utter shit.....but then I read your update. What a phenomenal woman you are!!!

Of course it hurts like hell. But I guarantee it will hurt more if you stay. This won’t be a one-off occurrence - he’s already told you this is how things will be. What about when they have a family holiday together? I guarantee you that will be on the cards.

He doesn’t care about his DDs getting to know you. He’s not building a life with you. He has two completely separate lives and you’re not part of one, and you’re not a priority.

Stay strong OP. You absolutely deserve better than this. And you will find it.

I hope you’re ok x

WelshMoth · 04/08/2020 08:56

Are you ok OP? You must be reeling.

Did you ever meet his parents? What must they have said about the whole thing?

As painful as this is, I'm yet another poster who believes that you have done the right thing. This is no way to live - convenient enough to live with, but sectioned off so that you're not embraced as a member of his family. It's just wrong, on so many levels, and you deserve so much more.

Hold tight. Do not buckle now. Thanks

Joistlooking · 04/08/2020 09:05

This situation had escalated alarmingly OP, but you have made absolutely the right decision. I speak as a second wife of over 30 years and in the beginning I did come 2nd after his DC and sometimes 3rd after his DC and ex. However:
DH family would never have put him in the position of having to attend a family event with his ex and exclude me. Sometimes both his ex and I go but never his ex and not me;
My DH would never consider going away and sharing a room with his ex. It would be unacceptable to him;
When it was his weekend with the children he included me. Slowly at first, trips out etc, but after 20 months his weekends with the DC were our weekends with the DC.
It may appear like a storm in a teacup - to him - but the fact that he made all these arrangements without discussing them first with you - his partner, the woman he lives with , then to dismiss your feelings so cruelly tells you all you need to know about his view of your relationship. He may still have feelings for his ex, or may not, but the fact that he is pandering to her and had no intention of changing this status quo shows he is putting her before you and you can like it or lump it. To say he is doing it for the DC is an excuse to shut you up by accusing you of not wanting him to put his DC first. The DC already know their parents are separated going away for the weekend together will only confuse them.
Apologies for the ramble it must hurt like hell but you will recover. To stay together would only lead to more pain and resentment. Flowers

Fruitsaladjelly · 04/08/2020 17:11

Hi Op, just checking how you are today. Break ups are always harder once the initial high emotions die down

HolidayHoliday2 · 04/08/2020 17:33

He has made it clear he considers me to be untrusting and says this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex

Yeah so I'd bin this guy right off.

HolidayHoliday2 · 04/08/2020 17:34

Oh and you did! Sorry hadn't rtft. Hats off to you OP!

IceCreamSummer20 · 04/08/2020 17:56

@bebarkered

At the end of the day OP, he's just a man. Men are easy to replace. Remember that. The important people in your life are the ones that always have your back. Your family, and, true friends xxx
This is very true. A good, loving partner is hard to replace, but he was never that was he?
BumbleBeee69 · 04/08/2020 19:32

I do hope OP hasn't caved and let this cretin move back in 🌺

ekidmxcl · 04/08/2020 19:48

Re what to do with your time: maybe paint a room, order new bedding or something like that. Make the place your own again.

You did the right thing getting rid. Worse than the fact that he decided to go on the mini family vacation with his ex, is the fact that he simply stated that’s what would happen. No discussion. Then, when you didn’t like it, he made out that it was you that was the problem. He is a bad life partner.

PatchworkElmer · 04/08/2020 20:39

You’ve done the right thing- stay strong.

QuacksInTheDark · 04/08/2020 20:51

I’m so sorry you’re heart broken OP but keep in mind that he wasn’t a loving partner or a good man, he was in fact treating you very badly. You deserve so much better, you’ve done the right thing. Stay strong, surround yourself with friends and trusted family, do things to keep busy, cry if you need to and do things to take care of yourself. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.Flowers

SepticTankYank · 04/08/2020 21:41

I'm so sorry. You've fine the right thing. It sounds like in 20 years time you'll still be excluded from events and she'll be going. There is no future there.

He will have to go through this all again because no one will put up with that nonsense! You have learnt that you deserve more and won't settle for less.

Ermokthen · 05/08/2020 09:45

Stay strong!!

BumbleBeee69 · 10/08/2020 08:23

how are you OP .... are you ok 🌺

Natureotter · 10/08/2020 13:10

I’m furious reading this. Him saying that you are jealous, and over emotional Angry
I don’t think he would like this if the boot was on the other foot. I don’t think I could find anybody who would be ok with him sharing a hotel room with an ex and excluding you out the wedding entirely after living with you for two years.
How bloody disgusting.
You did the right thing.
Him trying to shield his girls from you and treat you like a dirty secret. Nah, nobody gets to treat you like that!
A life with him would result in being last of the priority pile while his ex wife took top trumps. Complete humiliation for you.
I hope you are ok but I hope you know you deserve better and good on you for showing self respect. You are far more worthy than you will ever realise.

GoldFluff · 10/08/2020 19:33

Good for you! You took control and 100% made the right decision. It's totally inappropriate for them to be sharing a room! You have dodged a bullet!

ThinkWittyThoughts · 13/08/2020 19:30

Hi OP - was just thinking about you. I hope you are okay and getting lots of support from family & friends

JellyNo15 · 13/08/2020 21:30

You have done the right thing. How dare he treat you like that. I know you can't see it right now but you are free to meet someone who deserves you. I think you rock.

Lollypop701 · 13/08/2020 22:10

Op it appears you were never his family, as he put his family first and took them to family events. You have absolutely done the right thing in binning the idiot. You are most definitely worth more

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