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Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 02/08/2020 15:47

She should have been invited separately

Tappering · 02/08/2020 15:49

How do you know he isn’t at hers?

New relationship are not supposed to be line this? He has way too much baggage and he is expecting you to do something most people would say ‘fuck that’ to.

Does this mean that you don’t ever get to go to any of his family functions because he will be going with his ex wife and kids?

He is treating you like his land lady.

^^THIS.

FaceOfASpink · 02/08/2020 15:49

It's not unreasonable for a parent to put their kids first. It is unreasonable for them to gaslight, and make sneaky arrangements. I agree that he sounds like the cheater not the cheated on.
It's not going to end well. Please value yourself more highly and tell him to leave with immediate effect.

IncrediblySadToo · 02/08/2020 15:49

It's not difficult to see why she divorced him.

I'd use the weekend of the wedding to move out. He's behaving horribly and blaming you. Do you want this to be your life for the next 40 years? Because if you stay with him, THIS, is what your signing up for.

Get out. 20 months feels like a long time when you're living it, but it's really not, get out before you can't. Get out before you have kids and you're tied to the pair of them for life!, run.

RedRumTheHorse · 02/08/2020 15:49

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

When it’s his contact weekends, he stays with his parents as she won’t allow him to have them here. It’s ridiculous, he needs to stand up to her but he won’t. He says she would make life difficult.
As they are not married she has absolutely no say in whether their joint children can meet any of their father's adult friends. No one is ever introduced to young children initially as their parent's girlfriend or boyfriend.

As PPs have said he is clearly the cheater. He also has clearly not told anyone in his extended family he is now in another serious long term relationship.

JudyGemstone · 02/08/2020 15:50

I did this with my ex, we took out kids to my brothers wedding and all shared a room, it was probably a year or so after we split up.

I was single then do thought nothing of it, think he was with OW but he obviously didn't give a shit whether she liked it or not! Nothing happened anyway.

OP I think the biggest issue here is that he is giving her too much power and say in what he chooses to do as a father. He sounds weak willed and spineless, and people like that don't make good partners.

wildcherries · 02/08/2020 15:51

I'd use the weekend of the wedding to move out.

He moved in with OP. He is the one who needs to get out.

Redshoeblueshoe · 02/08/2020 15:51

LTB

1forAll74 · 02/08/2020 15:53

I shared a bedroom with my ex husband and our daughter, He had remarried, but we went to visit our son who was at UNI miles away, as it was his birthday. My ex had tried to get two rooms for us, but could only find a small B&B, and the lady only had one room available with three single beds in it, so that is where we stayed. It was all quite funny really. We had been previously married for about 20 years, but he had a new wife who was younger than him or me. and she apparently was one of those women who had to keep tabs on everything that he did, so he didn't tell her about this visit.

I knew the new wife, but she seemed quite dominant, and tended to go off on one if upset. My ex and me had decided to stay friends after the mess of divorce, and we did so, until he died six years ago.

We had a great weekend visiting our son, we went for a meal, and we put up some shelves in my sons rented uni house etc. The new wife would have killed me if she had known all about this. ha ha

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2020 15:53

He's sharing a room with his Ex because he wants to.. this is not over for him OP... sorry

OhCaptain · 02/08/2020 15:54

Listen, there is no way that this is appropriate. It just isn’t.

You could have easily gone with him and the girls. And she could go, too as the bride’s friend.

It is DISGRACEFUL that you, his partner, is being treated like you don’t exist by him and his family. It’s been almost two years.

You’re mad to continue this relationship. I guarantee this won’t be the last of your heartache with this prick.

Coffeeandbeans · 02/08/2020 15:55

My ex H and I and our two kids went on a pre booked European camping holiday together for three weeks. He had moved in with the ow by then. We slept in the same accommodation with the kids and guess what we did not have sex. No sex at all. 8 years later he is still with OW and we are now divorced. It is possible. We did it for the kids.

8HannaH8 · 02/08/2020 15:56

This isn't right. He's laying down the law to you that it would be a problem if you have a problem with them doing family events together!!

You should be presenting it to him as 'THAT' is a problem for you. You should be invited! I am not saying that his ex wife should not be invited if she is close to family members but I disagree with it having to be 'their' thing for the kids.

You should be going as his partner and his ex should be going solo or with her own partner If she has one (which I'm guessing she doesn't as I don't see many men accepting that scenario either).

I would not accept this if I were in your position.

lockdownalli · 02/08/2020 15:56

Throw him out. He is taking the piss.

AlternativePerspective · 02/08/2020 15:57

When it’s his contact weekends, he stays with his parents as she won’t allow him to have them here. It’s ridiculous, he needs to stand up to her but he won’t. He says she would make life difficult. I would bet my house that he isn’t staying with his parents but is staying in the family home and that they’re on the verge of reconciling.

In fact I would also bet money that she doesn’t know about you and that he’s back with her and cheating on her with you.

If he’d moved out because they were separated it would be easy for him to tell her that he couldn’t really see much of her during lockdown, and then to be moved in with you.

I’m usually one of the first to defend amicable relationships between ex’s. After all amicable is far better for the kids. But I would draw the line at you never being allowed to meet the kids, him going off for contact weekends, and them sharing a room for the wedding.

OP tbh I think there’s a real chance you’re the OW here. Even if you weren’t to begin with.

I would get rid.

SummerWhisper · 02/08/2020 16:00

Do you think the room share is about reducing costs? Offer to pay for a room for him, see his reaction. His children know their parents are not together.

Sadly, I think @BumbleBeee69 is correct.

SentientAndCognisant · 02/08/2020 16:00

He could have attended,with you,the children as a family.He chose not to
That’s very telling

Original poster
Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 16:01

He’s definitely at his parents, I’ve sometimes had to drop things off etc. But I feel so torn. I love him and want to be with him, I hate the thought of him leaving. But I don’t want to be forever in this situation.

OP posts:
Ohfredcomeon · 02/08/2020 16:02

He has compartmentalised you. That’s his family. Your his girl friend.

My ex was the same and it’s one of the reasons we have separated. He has booked a holiday for next year for him and the kids and has asked if I want to go because in his head that’s what family does. I can totally see him treating anyone new he meets the same. He is very good at closing down discussions and making out he is actually the victim.

He is gas lighting you. I’ve had it done to me. You know it’s not right and honestly no one is worth being made a mug over. When he attends this wedding there will be lots of gossip about this ‘arrangement’ and your standing in the relationship. Don’t let him humiliate you.

SuperSange · 02/08/2020 16:03

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

He has pretty much accused me of being jealous, untrusting, not willing to let him put his daughters first. He feels it isn’t confusing for them as they see that mum and dad like each other still and are friends, doing things as a family. There’s no compromise to be made on his part, I like it or lump it.
Well if he thinks things are so bad, he won't have any problem fucking off then, will he? It would be a cold day in hell before I'd let any man treat me Like that. He doesn't respect you, he wouldn't fight for you. You deserve better.
Argggghhneedclarity · 02/08/2020 16:04

The room share would bother me. Even with the girls there. Isn't it going to being confusing for them?

DameFanny · 02/08/2020 16:04

So the ex is too hostile to let him see his kids at your place, but friendly enough to share a family room at a family wedding?

Nah.

ivykaty44 · 02/08/2020 16:05

A man who was cheated on an left would NOT consider you "untrusting for not being ok with him sharing a room with his ex. A cheated on person would understand immediately your concerns and would take care not to unduly concern you.* this is very true and I small a rat

Best he stays with his parents from now on, all the time

This is all very fishy and not normal

AlternativePerspective · 02/08/2020 16:05

Let’s take the ex out of the equation here though. If you’re not allowed to meet his children then that means your relationship will always be fragmented. You will always be kept in the background as the children can’t know about you.

Is that what you want from a relationship?

What happens if you have children of your own? Will his children not be allowed to know about them either?

SentientAndCognisant · 02/08/2020 16:06

You’re only 20months in. Frankly I’d be thinking about giving him the heave ho
You’re not his respected partner,his equal whose opinion he seeks.you're his bird, a place to stay.
Partners don’t give ultimatum or leave other thinking I like it or I lump it