Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

[Bibbitybobbottyboo]

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

He's trying to make you think you're being possessive when the issue is he's being excluding. You have a problem with not being invited rather than the children having both parents present. He needs to realise he's asking for too much. Why doesn't he want you there anyway. It's not like you can't go if his ex will be there. Him having a good relationship with her is fine but it must include you.

I agree with DeRigueurMortis providing they didn't share a bed/room, I would be ok with it. You say the bride is still friends with his ex so she would be unlikely to invite you over her. If your relationship lasts long-term, his ex isn't going to disappear because of the children.

Where is your boundary?

And he only brought up the real arrangements when you mentioned buying a dress for the wedding? That's ... well, shall we say, not how normal, honest, mature men behave.

As for the subsequent accusations of you being 'untrusting' - you're devastated because the guy you really thought you wanted to be with just showed his true colours as a tedious, clichéd knobber.

It hurts. But it's better to know now.

I don't have an issue with you doing stuff for your kids.

I do have an issue with you going off to play happy families with your ex-wife.

If it was a new relationship then I could understand not being invited to the wedding, but we have been together for almost two years and are now living with each other. What was the reason for not inviting me and the ex-wife - I don't have a problem with it?

It's deeply inappropriate to be sharing a room with her. So much so, that if you cannot see an issue with this, plus the fact that I've been left out, then it is going to cause me a serious problem with our relationship and I'll need to think long and hard about whether you should move out.

And he's super disrespectful expecting you to be fine with room sharing. I'm not sure that part is good for the children either. What are they meant to think.

My ex did this with his ex years ago - we were married but his ex-wife was to be on the top table with him at his brother's wedding!! I didn't go, his family said just as well and we divorced soon after.

The (first) ex was still his "real" wife as far as everyone else was concerned.

Your not his significant other. I’d tell him to move out he is taking the piss out of you.

It’s easier to say than do, but I would consider telling him to move out. This is unacceptable.
I would also worry that he still has feelings for her, particularly as it was her rather than him who brought the relationship to a close.
Save your dignity and end it yourself.

You've been targetted love, sorry. You're a convenient domestic provider with sex on tap.

Kick him out - where was he living before he moved in with you?

I think you need to ask him to leave.

If he doesn’t WANT you there, then he shouldn’t be living with you.

Sorry

From my experience I would dump him.

Love that on top of shitty behaviour he is gaslighting you! He is making you think that you have trust issues, no way, what you're feeling is normal. If he doesn't even respect you enough to listen to your concerns then he absolutely needs to get in the bin!

Op you will always be placed last in his list of priorities. If you're happy with that...

He’s shown you how important you are to him, which isn’t very. Dump

It's not just the room sharing that would bother me, it's the complete lack of concern about how you're feeling and the making you out to be unreasonable. He didn't consult you about the arrangements and only told you once you'd mentioned it. He didn't stand up for you and ensure you were invited as well as his ex - why are her feelings more important than yours when she cheated on him. And now when you're upset he's making it your problem (being untrusting) when actually you've got every reason to be unhappy .

People can write anything they want in divorce petitions, compromises are made, it doesn't mean it's true. Why is he showing you the divorce paperwork anyway? I was the petitioner in mine, very good cause, and I've shown it to no-one as it's no-one's business. I have never been shown, nor would I expect to be shown, anyone else's petition. He sounds like he's creating a sort of plausible "alibi" for his good character, which you must "trust" or you're just not very nice to the poor put upon dear. 😥 Fuck that.

A man who was cheated on an left would NOT consider you "untrusting* for not being ok with him sharing a room with his ex. A cheated on person would understand immediately your concerns and would take care not to unduly concern you.

His words and his attitude are that of a cheater, not the cheated on.

Plus the gaslighting and early signs of emotional abuse.

Dumpy dumpy dumpity dump. 🗑

I’d kick him out, let him go back to his ex

When it’s his contact weekends, he stays with his parents as she won’t allow him to have them here. It’s ridiculous, he needs to stand up to her but he won’t. He says she would make life difficult.

He has pretty much accused me of being jealous, untrusting, not willing to let him put his daughters first. He feels it isn’t confusing for them as they see that mum and dad like each other still and are friends, doing things as a family. There’s no compromise to be made on his part, I like it or lump it.

OP, not only he disrespected you by not inviting you along, but he is also trying to make you feel bad about yourself by suggesting you are jealous of his ex. I wouldn't stay in this relationship

Get rid, you are way down the line of importance in his life and you deserve much better. He's not nice

Well I wouldn't lump it. I'd tell him to sling his fucking hook.

He has also used the limited numbers because of corona excuse too.

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

When it’s his contact weekends, he stays with his parents as she won’t allow him to have them here. It’s ridiculous, he needs to stand up to her but he won’t. He says she would make life difficult.

How do you know he isn’t at hers?

New relationship are not supposed to be line this? He has way too much baggage and he is expecting you to do something most people would say ‘fuck that’ to.

Does this mean that you don’t ever get to go to any of his family functions because he will be going with his ex wife and kids?

He is treating you like his land lady