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Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
Sunshineandmoonlight · 02/08/2020 16:31

Definitely would not stand for this “arrangement” and would be a good enough reason to discontinue the relationship for me.

nolovelost · 02/08/2020 16:31

After your update I definitely think you should split. If he can't see you being with him at future events then he mustn't see a future with you. That must hurt Flowers but you deserve someone that wants to share their time with you and who is proud of you. X

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 16:32

Was he living with his parents before he moved into yours?

Fairycake2 · 02/08/2020 16:32

So sorry you are going through this OP but I really hope you stick to your guns and don't let him worm his way back in. I'm all for taking it slow when it comes to the children but now you live together and have been a couple for almost 2 years its time he stood up to his ex. He is showing you what he thinks of you and how he feels and if you let him back he'll only trample all over you again and again. Sending hugs

Emmie12345 · 02/08/2020 16:32

Totally unnacceptable! I would end the relationship over this

Mumdiva99 · 02/08/2020 16:32

@Bibbitybobbottyboo stay strong. You are worth more.

Dozer · 02/08/2020 16:33

Good decision OP. Don’t go back on it.

Was he even living independently before moving into your place? Suspect not!

HerRoyalNotness · 02/08/2020 16:34

I’m glad to see you told him to leave, hard as it is. You would have spent your life at the bottom of the priority list. You deserve more than that! Hold firm.

Emmie12345 · 02/08/2020 16:34

So sorry OP. I expect the wife now wants him back or he hopes there is a chance. You deserve so so much better . Big hugs xx

tiredybear · 02/08/2020 16:35

Oh OP. That so awful Sending you a big hug. It's devastating but you deserve so much better than this. What a complete and utter dickhead he is.
Who in their right mind would think that what he is doing is ok?!

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2020 16:35

You're well rid.

YinuCeatleAyru · 02/08/2020 16:36

he isn't your "partner" - he is not in a partnership with you, he's not sharing his life with you, he is not thinking about you and your needs as any kind of priority for him. to him you are a convenient and nice woman to have around for a sexual relationship, and he was very happy to move in with you to ensure that convenience was readily accessible. that isn't a partnership.

this relationship is doomed. you should call an end to it, and value yourself more highly next time. don't move a bloke in before you have been together a lot longer. he should stay single for a lot longer - it's not your fault but it was inappropriate for him to move in with a new woman this quickly. his kids need stability, not a series of "new step-mum" relationships which then break up after a year or two, causing confusion and upset every time.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/08/2020 16:38

Bloody well done, Bibbitybobbityboo, this relationship sounded very one-sided and you don't even feature in it in any meaningful way.

You're right, he didn't fight for you but, what was there to fight about? You were his partner, he was free to be in a relationship with you. He just didn't want to.

Don't look back, just make sure that you get your keys back. Then block him completely, on everything.

So sorry, I know it all hurts so much.

TheMamaYo · 02/08/2020 16:39

So they all arranged it, booked a room, confirmed to family, etc and he didn’t had the decency to discuss it with you at all during all of that?

Why is he calling the shots here OP. Except for you loving him and going with what he dictates, what is it about the relationship that’s moving it forward? He is obviously still stuck at her with no regard to you.

FaceOfASpink · 02/08/2020 16:41

Well done. It'll hurt now but better than allowing him to use you further.
Stick to your guns and your future self will thank you for it.
You deserve more that this xcocklodger

TheMamaYo · 02/08/2020 16:42

And... just read your update. This will be painful, but better soon. Staying with him would have been a long drawn out process of misery. I feel for you, but I have no doubt that’s the right decision for you. Good luck going forward. You’re worth more than this.

ShellsAndSunrises · 02/08/2020 16:43

I'm really sorry, @Bibbitybobbottyboo... I was going to say that after reading this on page one,

He has made it clear he considers me to be untrusting and says this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex.

It doesn't seem as if he has any intention of ever doing "family events" with you, and he seems to have confirmed that. I'm sorry he was so brutal.

You deserve better.

LemonTT · 02/08/2020 16:44

Of course there is no reason why your attendance couldn’t be accommodated without jeopardising his relationship with his children. The only people doing that are his ex and himself.

His family are being ridiculous too. Only 20 can go to a wedding in Scotland. After the core party that leaves about 12 guests. No way does cousins ex wife living 100’s of miles away make the list. This dilemma could easily have been avoided by having a word with the bride. No feeling would have been hurt.

You are better off with them all out of your life.

Original poster
Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 16:46

I’ve parked up and read your replies. He’s sent a barrage of voice messages saying I’m being silly, I’m over reacting, that the situation is normal and I’m taking it to heart, that it’s no different to going away with any of his friends.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 02/08/2020 16:46

@wildcherries

I'd use the weekend of the wedding to move out.

He moved in with OP. He is the one who needs to get out.

Sorry, it was meant to read 'move HIM out'

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

Well done love 🌷. You're going to need to be strong and don't take him back. It's hard when you love them, but you deserve to be loved, the way you love him...and he doesn't . I know that's horrible to hear, but you need to keep that at the front if your mind, when he's giving you the guilts, the 'babe I love you' and the puppy dog eyes.

He's told younwhat your life together would be like... make sure you don't forget.

You deserve SO much more & in time you'll have it!

Look after yourself x

SteelyPanther · 02/08/2020 16:46

No, I wouldn’t have that. And I can’t see why you wouldn’t be in his children’s lives.

Branleuse · 02/08/2020 16:47

this is really really far from ok. Please dont allow him to gaslight you that this is normal and its you who is being unreasonable and jealous.
Please have some self respect and dont remain in this shitshow. Hes making a fool out of you.
Even if he decided not to go anymore, the fac is, he actually thought this was reasonable and has tried to make YOU feel shit, and you DO feel shit.

This whole situation with his ex sounds weird. It isnt going to get better

Silentfrog · 02/08/2020 16:47

Sending you a big hug @Bibbitybobbottyboo
I know it's painful but you are worth so much more.
Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that his behaviour is normal. It really isn't!

VinylDetective · 02/08/2020 16:48

You’re well rid.

SteelyPanther · 02/08/2020 16:50

That situation is not normal.
If you’re good enough to live with you’re good enough to be in his children’s lives, and to go to HIS cousin’s wedding as his partner.
Do I assume you wouldn’t go to his children’s weddings and then christenings either !!