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Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:

Yeahnahmum · 02/08/2020 16:08

Him going :fine
Him playing family with his ex and kids :def not fine
Him sleeping in the same room as her: NOPE

He doesn't sound like he is committing to you . Or at least not enough . And I doubt he will change

ivykaty44 · 02/08/2020 16:08

But I don’t want to be forever in this situation.

But you will be as he can have his family and a girlfriend, so it ain’t changing

CD28 · 02/08/2020 16:08

I'm so sorry you are in this position and I completely empathise with you.

Firstly, you've been together for nearly 2 years. In my opinion his children should have met you by now, even forging a good relationship with you as an apparently 'important' part of their dads life! Yes of course he needs to talk to his ex about it but he certainly does NOT need her blessing.

Secondly, she should have been invited separately if she is still close to members of his family. Shame on his family for not changing their invite and absolute utter shame on him for not considering you at all.

I'd advise him that he can do as he pleases but he won't be doing that if he wants to stay with you.

I hope you are strong x

katy1213 · 02/08/2020 16:09

Why would you assume that you're invited to the wedding of someone I'm guessing you've never met? Especially at the moment when numbers are limited and you'd be no more to the bride than a random plus-one?
But it does seem unfair to children whose hopes of a reconciliation could well be aroused by room-sharing. Nothing wrong with them attending as a family though. What is he supposed to do? Distance himself at church and reception and let his children take turns sitting with mum and dad? At least they're behaving civilly when they're together.

helloareyouthere · 02/08/2020 16:09

I would understand not being invited to the wedding, extra guests are expensive and they don't really know you and might be worried about awkwardness with the ex - your relationship is still quite young (and as your post shows, not secure). However, if he and ex are invited it is as SEPARATE GUESTS. Instead, this is looking like they are invited as a COUPLE. Sharing a room is just not on and it is pathetic to pretend this is a cost saving measure. Either he can afford to go to the wedding or he can't. And claiming it is for the kids is misguided.
It is more likely to be confusing and upsetting for them. They need to understand their parents have separated, not to see them in this weird twilight zone, or to be given hope they may get back together.

TBH he is not showing much emotional intelligence as to how this will impact on you or the kids. Are you sure he is a keeper?

GabsAlot · 02/08/2020 16:09

nothing t do with the kids theyve split up they dont need to be a family at any event

sound slike an excuse to me

Tistheseason17 · 02/08/2020 16:10

OP, you have shared that he is weak, unsupportive and puts the feelings of his ex before yours.

Exactly, why are you trying to hold on to this man? He is not worth your love. Walk away before you invest any further. Tell him to go and live with his parents. His excuses are piss poor and another example of a person on here trying to make someone else feel responsibile for their behaviour.

He is in control of his behaviours - stop accepting shit.

Spied · 02/08/2020 16:11

He's already told you he'll be going to future family events with his ex and their DC?
When do you become a part of his life and that of his wider family?
He obviously doesn't want you to be. Ever.
He's told you this loud and clear by both behaviour and literally telling be you he'll be attending events with her.

RoseTintedAtuin · 02/08/2020 16:12

He is not making any room for you in his relationship. You are completely in the right here and I would be absolutely devastated in the same situation. Make it clear the family now includes you and if he can’t move forward with that in mind then I’m sorry but I do t see a future in it. However difficult the ex is he needs to be on your side and if he thinks this is best for his kids I would disagree strongly.

OhCaptain · 02/08/2020 16:13

He has compartmentalised you. That’s his family. Your his girl friend.

This sums it up. And if you’re happy to always be on the outskirts then go ahead.

But don’t plan on having a family wedding, or kids who see each other, or anything like that.

NikeDeLaSwoosh · 02/08/2020 16:13

@PicsInRed

I would also query whether she actually cheated on him and when the true end date of their marriage was. For some reason he doesn't want you to meet the family and that is often due to fear of the disclosure of inconvenient facts. If there was overlap, that would explain her feelings about you.

This.

cologne4711 · 02/08/2020 16:13

He has made it clear he considers me to be untrusting and says this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex

Gaslighting at its best.

As for the ex not letting the kids see you - one of my friends had this too. She and her partner are still together, and now the two girls have grown up she's allowed to see them and the ex has finally got over the fact that they have a "step-mum" and they see each other at events etc. So it doesn't mean it will go on forever.

Kelcat9494 · 02/08/2020 16:13

Sadly OP you'll always be in this situation, there's no room for you in his life. I'm all for people putting their child first but that's not what he's doing, he's putting his ex wife first before you - it's hard but I would ask him to move out, at the moment you're very convenient for him so ask him to leave and if he genuinely wants to stay with you then compromise if not then good riddance.

VacMan · 02/08/2020 16:13

He has made it clear he considers me to be untrusting and says this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex

For that I'd tell the fucker to fuck off out of my house. Gaslighting bastard.
Seriously OP this is going to get worse so get out now.

GabsAlot · 02/08/2020 16:13

also the kids she wont let you see them at all-id understand the first fre months but you live together how is that ever going to work

aand it is confusing theyre given hope that mum and dad might get back together if youre never there

Fishfingersandwichplease · 02/08/2020 16:13

Sod that. The way he has disrespected you and your relationship would make me think he is taking the piss. And as others have said, this would be more confusing for their kids.

LonginesPrime · 02/08/2020 16:14

I feel so torn. I love him and want to be with him

Sorry, OP, but the feeling's clearly not mutual. He just wants to have his cake and eat it.

He doesn't give a shit about you and it sounds like his ex-wife is still "The One" as far as he's concerned.

Bizarre situation to put the DC in re sleeping arrangements too. If that arrangement is fine now, it always will be and you'll always be gaslit and made to feel guilty and unreasonable for not wanting to be treated like dirt.

I can't believe he didn't even have the decency to manage your expectations and actually tell you he wasn't taking you as his plus one before now. That's how little regard he has for your feelings, right there.

Cut your losses and get out now - you're incredibly lucky he's shown you who he is before you got sucked any deeper into this crappy "relationship".

helloareyouthere · 02/08/2020 16:15

He is not worth your love. Walk away before you invest any further. Tell him to go and live with his parents. His excuses are piss poor and another example of a person on here trying to make someone else feel responsible for their behaviour

This.

SentientAndCognisant · 02/08/2020 16:15

In fairness he’s an upfront git. He’s telling you he”ll go to events with the ex. Without you. He’s told you like it or lump it. He is not going to change

OhCaptain · 02/08/2020 16:15

What sort of future can you have with this man?

Do you want children? Do you want them to have siblings they have nothing to do with?

Do you want him leaving you alone with new babies etc because he’s going to spend time with the first family that you’re not a part of?

This is insane!

diddl · 02/08/2020 16:16

Why are they going as a family-is that not confusing for the kids?

Won't other family members who know he has been seeing someone for a couple of years wonder what's going on?

MadCattery · 02/08/2020 16:16

When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time-Maya Angelou

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 16:17

@DameFanny

So the ex is too hostile to let him see his kids at your place, but friendly enough to share a family room at a family wedding?

Nah.

This.

It doesn't add up.

helloareyouthere · 02/08/2020 16:17

In fairness he’s an upfront git. He’s telling you he”ll go to events with the ex. Without you. He’s told you like it or lump it. He is not going to change
And this.

Fairenuff · 02/08/2020 16:17

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

He has pretty much accused me of being jealous, untrusting, not willing to let him put his daughters first. He feels it isn’t confusing for them as they see that mum and dad like each other still and are friends, doing things as a family. There’s no compromise to be made on his part, I like it or lump it.

I think this is fair enough. He couldn't be more clear. You just need to decide if you are going to agree to his terms or not.

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