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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
SixesAndEights · 02/08/2020 22:09

Well done OP!!!! You're amazing!!! And to have a brother like that - I wish I'd been a fly on the wall when he turned up with his roll of bin bags!!!!!

I know you're having an awful time right now, but OP, like others have said, you have absolutely done the right thing!

He was completely disrespectful, choosing his ex wife over his partner, and after all this time not to have you as part of his children's lives!

Well done! Respond once to him, telling him it's over and not to contact you, then block block block. Spend time with friends, and enjoy life! xx

IceCreamSummer20 · 02/08/2020 22:10

Wow, that is terrible behaviour of your DP, his Ex, and the cousin!

You are living together. This is so horrible of them. They are behaving like. The Family for public and you are Miss girlfriend tucked away.

Massively disrespectful to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2020 22:12

Don’t reply, just don’t. It’s really clear now he wasn’t scared of his ex’s reaction. He was keeping his options open. You don’t want to be an option.

Have a read of this thread about how to handle arseholes. I know this is just a dating scenario. But I hope it give you a bit of insight into the type of man you’re actually dealing with... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3978861-He-stood-me-up-now-hes-texted-Gather-round-ladies?pg=1

Emmie12345 · 02/08/2020 22:17

You’ve done the right thing. He could have easily sorted this situation out had he wanted to . You are well rid ,take care and thank your lucky stars you haven’t got this idiot dragging you down any more !

Coffeepot72 · 02/08/2020 22:18

If however, he does a complete u-turn, then it’s up to you to decide if you want him back, don’t let a group of internet strangers run your life. But he’s got to make some huge changes immediately

Hileni · 02/08/2020 22:18

OP, you are so strong, but just incase you wobble, look at the hundreds of messages, from all these wise women, telling you that you've absolutely done the right thing and this man is one massive red flag after another.

You have the support of Mumsnet and we have your back!

SistemaAddict · 02/08/2020 22:18

Well done OP and what a fab brother you've got! Your ex must have had a shock there Grin what a cock. Stay strong, you are doing amazingly and are do sure of your boundaries. What he's doing with the messages is classic of an abusive personality and you are well rid there. Things would have got worse over time so be glad that this has been such a massive event now and has prevented you wasting any time on him. He's one of those who is still emotionally married to his ex-wife. I had one of those. Never again. Their poor kids were a mess because of it but he couldn't see if. You have done the right thing and acted impressively swiftly and definitively. I wish I'd had your boundaries. Enjoy being with your friend and carry on enjoying some drinks Thanks

littlefireseverywhere · 02/08/2020 22:22

Well done OP he’s really used you hasn’t he? Hopefully now you can move forwards to meet someone who deserves you and your time. Your brother rocks you’ve clearly got great people in your life.

Paddy1234 · 02/08/2020 22:24

Sometimes you read a thread and you know the right outcome has happened.
OP please stand firm as I am totally assured he will try and worm himself back in. Please come back on the thread to get the excellent advice at any time.
I know it doesn't feel like it but you have well and truly dodged a bullet
❤️

Lifesnotapicnic · 02/08/2020 22:25

He prop still in love with her op, I'd kick him out n move on .

Honeyroar · 02/08/2020 22:27

Well done. That can’t have been easy. But it wasn’t a good relationship. He hadn’t discussed any of this with you, just organised it behind your back. He hasn’t had the slightest bit of empathy as to why it might be upsetting for you. He’s shouted, tried to make you feel bad, sent angry messages. It’s not the first time. He doesn’t fight for you. He’s just not good enough. HIS idea of a relationship is not normal.

(for what it’s worth, my husband hates conflict, won’t say boo to a goose, but even he stood up for me when his ex tried to say I wasn’t important and shouldn’t be involved in things to do with his son).

forrestgreen · 02/08/2020 22:29

Text him back
"This situation is of your own making, your relationship with the ex is not normal, your children should be integrating into a new relationship not banned from it, partners are invited to family weddings, we are over due to your failure to prioritise me above your ex wife, your bags are packed, negotiate with my brother over the collection of your other belongings, you're now blocked, don't contact me again!l
And block once it's received.

SandyY2K · 02/08/2020 22:29

This kind of thread is one of the reasons I like MN...ppl make the OP see that they deserve better....

You did the right thing in ending it and he carried on this way because he felt you would always accept it.

It may hurt you now....but he now knows you aren't a pushover. At the moment you're convenient to live with...or he'd probably have to be at his parents house.

I'm not buying this nonsense of his cousin being do kern on his Ex (who cheated on him....where do their loyalties lie!

...if he says you can't accept his family set up..the answer is "No. I can't...so we have to go our separate ways."

You've put up with this long enough.

Plus...I have to say...you've got fantastic brothers. I Iove it when family are there for you in tough times.

Don't cave in....if he promises a change...then let that be with him not moving back in...I bet he won't be so keen then.

Actions speak louder than words.

VinylDetective · 02/08/2020 22:33

@forrestgreen

Text him back "This situation is of your own making, your relationship with the ex is not normal, your children should be integrating into a new relationship not banned from it, partners are invited to family weddings, we are over due to your failure to prioritise me above your ex wife, your bags are packed, negotiate with my brother over the collection of your other belongings, you're now blocked, don't contact me again!l And block once it's received.
Don’t do this. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Dignified silence is the only response. Just block.
josiejj · 02/08/2020 22:34

You're better off without him OP, that doesn't sound like a good set up Thanks

Lifesnotapicnic · 02/08/2020 22:34

Sorry I've just catched up .
Well done op , don't let that creature back in your life .

LOTTIE881 · 02/08/2020 22:38

@forrestgreen

Text him back "This situation is of your own making, your relationship with the ex is not normal, your children should be integrating into a new relationship not banned from it, partners are invited to family weddings, we are over due to your failure to prioritise me above your ex wife, your bags are packed, negotiate with my brother over the collection of your other belongings, you're now blocked, don't contact me again!l And block once it's received.
This is just excellent
Itsalwayshard · 02/08/2020 22:40

Don't go back to him. You've definitely done the right thing by getting him to move out.
I'm am you but 12 years down the line and married with DC. DH has 2 children with ex wife. They are now adults. Our life is still be controlled by the ex. I hate it but I love my DH. Its a horrible situation to be in.
Hope your feeling better about it all tomorrow Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2020 22:46

No, no texting. Dignified silence is the only way. And will drive him insane. He’s already started to get riled.

SentientAndCognisant · 02/08/2020 22:49

No do not be texting him at all, no florid texts.nothing.nadda.
If you maintain contact he’s still got you, he still has your interest.
Ignore him. That’ll drive him daft. Ghost him

change locks
block any access to your finances

nitsandwormsdodger · 02/08/2020 22:55

Stay strong
V rude of his family to allow you to be disrespected after nearly 2 years
Weird that the ex wife even wants to do this ?
Cousin unreasonable
Proud of you

Playmysong · 02/08/2020 22:59

Stay strong OP. You know you have done the right thing. 💐

Anotheruser02 · 02/08/2020 23:03

Agree with others definitaly no texting now. Well done OP.

Lacey2019 · 02/08/2020 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LegoMaus · 02/08/2020 23:08

Wow his behaviour is shocking. Not only arranging to go away with his ex and share a room, but then trying to blame you for daring to object. It’s clear he’s never been fully committed to your relationship and has been keeping his kids away from you and blaming his ex. Well done for seeing through him and getting rid.

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