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Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 03/08/2020 07:45

Well done op

Tappering · 03/08/2020 07:46

Hope you are OK this morning @Bibbitybobbottyboo

It's going to hurt and feel a bit surreal. But stick to your guns. You deserve better than a man who is always going to put you second to his ex-wife and what she wants.

JudyGemstone · 03/08/2020 08:02

This was a massive power play for him and it's backfired. Telling you this is how it's gonna be and he doesn't care how you feel about it. If you'd stayed with him you would have been showing him clearly that you had no voice in the relationship and he could behave however he liked while you sat at home and sucked it up.

Tisahardlife · 03/08/2020 08:21

Red flags all over this regarding his expectations of you in his life and his unmoving view.

You are a strong woman showing him that you won't tolerate him continuing to play happy families with his ex, they are no longer a family unit and I think he'll struggle to find any partner in life who would accept being the third wheel to him and his ex wife.

maisiemagic · 03/08/2020 09:18

well done OP.
It sounds like it was him that introduced jealousy and insecurity into the equation when you were neither of these things initially...don't let him believe that you are he is twisting things and it sounds like you just wanted normal respect and consideration in the relationship.

Coffeepot72 · 03/08/2020 09:31

If he wants to attend functions with his ex wife, and share a room with her, maybe they should consider getting back together?

How would he feel if you were sharing a room with your ex?

llangollen11 · 03/08/2020 09:34

It will hurt but you have found out before you had any family, and/or married, and been more tied down.

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 03/08/2020 10:02

It will hurt but you have found out before you had any family, and/or married, and been more tied down.

Exactly! What would happen if you had DC with him? Would you and your DC have to sit at home while he swans off with his previous family?! Much better out of it.

yourestandingonmyneck · 03/08/2020 10:17

You've had a lucky escape and you have come out of it with dignity intact - well done, you.

So you have your own home, a supportive brother...,have you got some good friends you can speak to just now? Time to move on, onwards and upwards ThanksThanksThanksWineCakeGin

VinylDetective · 03/08/2020 10:19

@Bibbitybobbottyboo, hope you’re OK this morning. You’ve had a really tough 24 hours, you must be shell shocked. 💐

Norma27 · 03/08/2020 10:20

Stay strong. You deserve so much better.
My parents split up when I was a baby, they haven't played happy families ever since.
My husband was divorced with 2 young children when I met him. No way did he play at happy families with his ex and kids. They are now adults and if there was a wedding I would be ok with him and ex at top table if they had one. Obviously, when something bad was happening to do with kids , he spent time at ex's house to help. Her partner was also there. No overnight stays ever with her.
Your hopefully now ex partner is so unreasonable.

midwifeyNC · 03/08/2020 11:00

Hope you're doing ok. I ok know exactly how you are feeling right now, it's awful. You have made the right decision, you have to put yourself first.

You will be so thankful in a years time when you look back. There is no future with this man. You can do so much better.

Lillygolightly · 03/08/2020 11:39

It was very unfair of him to move in with you whilst not making any effort to make you part of his family unit. I would absolutely understand that this takes time however it seems to me that he has absolutely no intention of ever making you part of his family. It’s easy for him to compartmentalise his ex and kids in one box and you into a completely separate box thus keeping his ex sweet. However this is what happens as a consequence when situations like this wedding arise. This is all fine for him, his ex, his parents, his kids etc but unfortunately it’s not at all fine for you.

I’d be forgiving and more understanding if he had made some steps towards actually blending the family set up. There is a number of ways he could go about this, for instance you could be spending a few hours with him whilst he is at his parents having contact with his kids or he could bring his kids to your house for a few hours etc and it could gradually extend from there. At some point his life has to move on and I think he has been very comfortable with the set up as it is currently and probably worked really well for him when he was single. He is not single now though, and if he was serious enough about you to move in with you he should have been serious enough to actually go to the trouble of including you in the whole of his life and not just the bits that are convenient for him.

Given his behaviour over the matter I think you are absolutely right to not tolerate his actions regarding it. The way he is being at present you relationship has not future, especially if you were hoping/planning on marriage and kids down the road. No person in their right mind would be happy to sit on the sidelines while their partner when an enjoyed family events and occasions whilst being completely left out. There is indeed an appropriate period of time for this to happen and I would gladly wait to be slowly introduced to someone’s children and do my part in sitting on the sidelines while necessary in the early days of a relationship BUT in a serious relationship where we are living together I would absolutely not put up with being told that I’ll basically be sidelined forever and my choices were to like it or lump it....NO WAY!!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2020 12:02

"Messages seem to be going through patterns. Telling me I’m over reacting/emotional and unreasonable then Saying he loves me and maybe he can try to make changes then calling me crazy, jealous, and unable to accept his family set up."
He's trying to find a button to press, to find a way to bring you to heel. He can't quite believe that he is not totally in charge of you! As Techway said, "Op, you are approaching the 2 year mark and this is when most partners reveal their true self as they feel confident in the relationship as they have you hooked." That is where he was - confident that he could manipulate you to accept this shitty behaviour.

Shitty behaviour such as "He has made it clear he considers me to be untrusting and says this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex."
JudyGemstone is spot-on with this comment:
"This was a massive power play for him and it's backfired. Telling you this is how it's gonna be and he doesn't care how you feel about it. If you'd stayed with him you would have been showing him clearly that you had no voice in the relationship and he could behave however he liked while you sat at home and sucked it up."
In other words - things were about to get worse. Up until now you'd made the reasonable assumption that he saw you as his partner. He has now made it crystal clear that you are just a girlfriend who he will hold at arm's length from what he considers to be his actual life. Having spelled it out to you now, he would feel entitled to end the pretence of you being his equal in this relationship. Sad

0hforfoxsake · 03/08/2020 12:35

You’ve absolutely done the right thing.

I wish I was as brave as you when the red flags were flapping wildly.

This is the moment you will look back on in years to come and think ‘thank god I ended it’ because you will be with someone else. Someone who is good enough for you.

It hurts but you are brave.

PopPopPopPopPop · 03/08/2020 14:21

Well done OP. Noe of this is remotely normal and it would be a deal breaker for me as well.

cittigirl · 03/08/2020 14:46

Are you ok Bibbitybobbottyboo

Cheeseandwin5 · 03/08/2020 15:26

I know this is an unpopular view, but I think your DH would be more worried about access to his DC than anything else.
I used to work in a access for parents not living with their the DC and the hoops and trials most fathers used to have to go through to see their children was heartbreaking. Even with court appointed vistation, some DM still ignored the rules .
Things may be viewed as equal in the law, but sadly in enforcement this is not true and for a DF would lose years if the ex really did start to get a bee in her bonnet.
Its sad but that is the truth of the matter.

Original poster
Bibbitybobbottyboo · 03/08/2020 15:29

Thank you,I’m ok. I keep swinging between wanting him back and knowing that I’ll never be a proper partner in his eyes. All the things he promised prior to moving in haven’t materialised. I feel so manipulated and stupid. The messages have turned it abusive ones calling me names and putting me down.

I’ve gone back to the house today and have someone coming later this evening to change the locks for me. Most of his things are gone. I’m just so she’ll shocked , I really can’t see a future without him. The thought of him going back to her or anyone really consumes me with jealousy. I feel lost and unsure what to do with my time.

OP posts:
CheetasOnFajitas · 03/08/2020 15:30

@Cheeseandwin5 so he explains that to OP before making the plans, instead of dropping it on her and then shouting petulantly that she should like it or lump it and accusing her of being jealous/crazy/ a drama queen.

CheetasOnFajitas · 03/08/2020 15:32

knowing that I’ll never be a proper partner in his eyes.

No, this is not the issue. The issue is that he is a childish, abusive, gaslighting, secretive, selfish twat so who in their right mind would want to be this man’s “proper partner”?

BumbleBeee69 · 03/08/2020 15:34

OP he was never a Partner in the fullest sense of the word... You will meet someone .. for whom you will be everything to him 🌺

CaveMum · 03/08/2020 15:36

The fact that his messages have turned abusive within a day should tell you everything. If he genuinely cared for you his messages would be nothing but pleading for forgiveness and asking what he can do to win you back.

Stay strong, you’ve absolutely done the right thing.

Pollypocket89 · 03/08/2020 15:36

@Bibbitybobbottyboo I've nothing to add that hasn't been said but I've read the whole thread... You're amazing and brave x. Well done

Sunnyhopefulness · 03/08/2020 15:39

Stay strong OP - you have absolutely done the right thing - now fill your free time as much as you can .

Can you turn off notifications on your phone for his number if possible so you don’t keep being reminded ...