Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

[Bibbitybobbottyboo]

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

His ex probably left him for his abusive nature, you are well rid OP.
They are others ex's for a reason, always.

Tbh I think you’ve had a lucky escape. Can you imagine what the future would have held with him, with all the things you would inevitably be excluded from? That’s no life

"The fact that his messages have turned abusive within a day should tell you everything. If he genuinely cared for you his messages would be nothing but pleading for forgiveness and asking what he can do to win you back."

Exactly this.

I know it hurts now, but in time you will look back and view this as a lucky escape.

Think about it; if this was a decent bloke, would he really be sending you shitty and nasty messages right now? Of course not. But he's doing this because you've found him out, refused to take any shit and dumped him. Consequently his mask has dropped and he's lashing out because he's angry and embarrassed that you've thrown him out for acting like a dickhead. And he knows that you know he's a dickhead - so he's trying to save face by putting you down. It's the actions of an immature, nasty and selfish little man.

I've just read this thread. Well
done OP @Bibbitybobbottyboo that was so tough, you did the right thing. It's a shame he's been abusive as there's no coming back from this.

I bet those abusive messages go nice again soon to try and trap you.

It wouldn’t have been much of a future though with someone like that, always second best to the ex w, always on the periphery of his life.

You have made the best choice. If things were never going to change and you would ever be involved in family events, what's the point. What if you had kids or wanted to get married? How would that have worked?!? Well done 👍

@Bibbitybobbottyboo
I just want to tell you I have huge admiration for you.

I put up with so much shit for years, and paid the price. You’ve done the right thing.

You have done the right thing.

My mouth was wide open reading the first lot of text you wrote.

Do not back down.

You've absolutely done the right thing Op as he was gaslighting you. Stay strong and don't go back - you deserve so much better.

You'll know this is the right thing to have done when someone gleefully tells you his back with his ex. He'll tell you he had no choice, you made him as you wouldn't accept the situation..

What an absolute asshole!! I'm so glad you've seen your worth!

A man who wants to save a relationship would be trying to find a way to resolve this as fast as possible. He would not be sending abusive messages. That says it all.

@BuffaloMozzerella

A man who wants to save a relationship would be trying to find a way to resolve this as fast as possible. He would not be sending abusive messages. That says it all.

This. He should be begging you for a second chance. As it is he couldn’t be doing more to confirm it was the right decision.

Well done OP! He's really showing you who he is.
I'm so sorry you're hurting though

op are you ok

All the things he promised prior to moving in haven’t materialised.

So what makes you think a future with him would be any different? This wedding was the final straw. ..from his broken promises this relationship should have been over before now.

I feel so manipulated and stupid.

You have been manipulated, but you can move forward from this.

The messages have turned it abusive ones calling me names and putting me down.

He is not a good man. He's lost his soft place to land in you and he's angry. He's being nasty to hurt you. You should either block him or send a message telling him to stop contacting you, or you'll report him to the police for harassment.

If he has any more belongings, you might see if your brother is willing to be an intermediary for this.

He won't mess around with your brother...men like him reserve this behaviour for women.

I really can’t see a future without him.

Why would you want a future with a man who will never prioritise you in any way? He doesn't appreciate you and he was happy to treat you like this...and is just fuming that you dared to stand up for yourself and have your voice heard.

Do not in any way go back to him...or he'll treat you even worse than before.

Stay strong. You can do it and you deserve so much better than what he was prepared to offer you.

How would he feel if you had an ex and wanted to go to a wedding without him and stay in a bedroom with your ex - this is wrong on sooooo many levels.

Please ignore my last post (should have read the thread) sorry

OP, I know you are heartbroken, but you are giving yourself a gift! The gift is invisible to you right now, but it will become clearer in time. The gift is your future happiness! You will always be second best whilst he is in your life. Do not live that life. He is a twat and you will have a better life without.
I cannot believe he was trying to play happy families and share a room. The absolute cheek!

Well done. You’ve been really brave and done totally the right thing. It’s one thing her being invited in her own right but this is something else entirely. What would happen if you had kids together? Or married? He’d still expect to play happy families with ex? He knows it’s not normal, that’s why he didn’t tell you

Of course he was shell shocked....he thought you would play along in his game. Dont allow yourself to go back there. Keep pushing forward.

You are one strong lady. I totally admire how you have dealt with the situation. Massive hugs from me and take one day at a time

I really feel for you, this is awful, it's not about you being jealous of them sharing a room but he should be going with you and introducing you to his family as his partner and to keep being excluded from family events, I don't think anyone would want to feel like a secret wife/partner, so unfair on you that he can't respect your feelings.

Just seen your update, good for you, don't be second best