Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

[Bibbitybobbottyboo]

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP, you’ll probably wake up tomorrow wondering if you made a mistake. After all you clearly loved him, your relationship had moved to the next level and this has all unravelled very quickly. I think to maintain your resolve you need to focus on these things:

1. He didn’t tell you upfront about the wedding arrangements- he waited until he was backed into a corner when you mentioned the dress. A mature, kind man would have explained it all from the moment the wedding was first mentioned and given you a chance to contribute to the decision-making.

1. When you got upset he didn’t give you a hug and try to make amends, he accused you of being untrusting and then later started to say you were crazy/jealous etc.

1. He said categorically that nothing would change and that the relationship should end if you would not accept it.

1. He put saving a bit of money over your happiness. He cannot possibly be so skint that he could not afford a separate room, he just doesn’t want to spend the money. In other words, he values the happiness of the woman he supposedly loves at least than a couple of hundred quid.

Your brother’s instant willingness to help get him out would suggest that he never took to him very much anyway. Trust his instincts.

at less than a couple of hundred quid

"Go as a family"? They're not a family. And the fact that he won't stand up for you is a huge red flag.

Can you really deal with being that low on his list of priorities? Your daughters should be above you, but not his ex wife.

I'm glad you have ended the relationship, op. You were obviously more invested in it than he. It's hard right now but he's only been living with you since Easter which is five minutes ago, though he was your boyfriend before that. Even so it is a fairly new relationship and it's a good thing the man has shown where his loyalties lie so early on. Though at the moment I doubt he sees it quite like that.

It sounds as though his relatives haven't taken you two as a couple too seriously as you were not invited to the wedding; your brother's quick offer of help gives the same impression.

You're well out of it. Give yourself a little time to grieve and then move on. Hopefully you will find someone without too much baggage.

Onwards and upwards .

Op
As hard as this incident has been , aside from his He has been very clear that wedding aside, you will always be kept separate from his kids and by default family events. If it's not this event it will be the next one and the next one with you hidden beside the scenes while he swans off playing happy families. I just wouldn't have it in me no matter how much I loved him.

It would be normal for you to go as his guest with the children or if cousin still close with ex wife then her with kids and you and dp together as you are a couple of 20 months not 20 days .
Also as hes moved in with you when and where does he see his kids if he wont let you have much to do with them ? Is this a long term plan or does he plan to introduce them to you gradually at least ?
I think staying in a room is pushing it, would he be comfortable with you sharing a room with an ex ,?

You’ve done the right thing, OP. Hard now, but he is no way ready to be in a new relationship.

He has made it clear he considers me to be untrusting and says this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex.

Manipulative arsehole.

@Notfeelinggreattoday
Most of your questions can be answered by RTFT!

Im so sorry you are in this situation but you have definitely made the right decision.

If not ready to block do not text back but receive them but ignore. In fact get your friend to take the phone or turn it off.

Sorry Op just read your updates , hope your ok ,

My best friends boyfriend tried this and she soon out a sto to it.

His ex wanted their kids and the parents to go out for meals, on holidays, weekends away, cinema nights together.

She didn't out up with it and said it's either the ex or her.

I'm glad you have a supportive brother and a good friend to help you through this.
His messages show you are so much better out if this relationship.
It will take time but you will get there.Block him, don't answer.You have been used,would he have had a relationship if you hadn't had a place for him to move into?

There should be room for all of you at the family wedding, your partner and you, and his ex +1 and kids. If he puts his ex before you now chances are he always will. I would tell him no thanks and either leave if his accommodation or kick him out if yours. Don't let him humiliate you like this.

@caringcarer at least read the OP’s posts for goodness’ sakes.

Coming out of a divorce is hard. Especially for the non resident parent who may feel the unspoken threat regarding access to the children if the upset the Ex.
I lived and it was difficult. At first my DH did make a few mistakes as he tried to appease his ex wife. But nothing close to this. They’d be little things where he’d be put on the spot and he’d make the wrong choice. But despite those upsets, he knew he had to make hard choices. He was actually invited early on to a wedding without me and he just declined to go. It upset people in the short term but everyone realised over time that they either got on board and accepted us as a family or they would lose him. He wasn’t going to tolerate other people dictating the terms. You deserve a partner who has a vision of a shared life, where you are integrated fully. And divorce etc is brutal and friendships may be lost etc but your DH needs to be clear about his choice and act from that place. It requires someone with strength, resilience and long term planning capability. Your ex sounds nowhere near up to the job.
You deserve a whole lot better. It must be so so so disappointing. But your now-Ex didn’t just make a mistake, he has shown that his vision for your shared life was very different to yours. His lack of plan around how to
Introduce you to children speaks volumes.
It must hurt so much but he really has just shown you how little hope the relationship ever had and how much pain you would
Have faced down the road. Look at what you did today, how you act when you know something isn’t right. He was never anywhere near a match for you.

I wish you lots of strength.

You’ve done the right thing this is not normal and he was clearly setting the bar ( or whatever the right saying is ) for this sort of thing to continue . I have a good relationship with my dcs dad ( purely as parents ) and we will very occasionally do something social together with the kids but a situation like this would be a total no no even with me now been single again I still wouldn’t it’s very odd

I love how you sent your brother and his mates to help him pack and your brother taking bin bags for him. You have great support.

My guess is he is still in love with his wife and will never put you first.

You deserve so much better OP, he isn’t worthy of you.

He told you things wouldn't change and you were to like it or lump it. That situation was not sustainable, he made it clear he would put the wishes of his ex before yours. Well done on making this decision and being strong. It sounds like he has had chances before to make changes and hasn't.

Well done bibbity glad you have a brother. The only thing to reply is ‘good luck finding a partner who is cool with you travelling and sharing a bedroom with your ex and being excluded from your family.’

@Bibbitybobbottyboo you've 100% done the right thing. What he was asking was completely unacceptable. You're not being jealous or petty or crazy or whatever nasty accusation he wants to fling at you. You've been strong and valued yourself, put in strong boundaries and stood up for yourself. You should feel proud of yourself for the way you've acted. I know it hurts, but given how he's acting this relationship would never have been anything long term except a world of pain. You deserve so much more.

He's trying all these different tactics to see which one makes you respond to him. Block him so that you're not tempted.

It really isn’t normal to be in a long term cohabitating relationship but to be excluded from all of your partners family events. I’m divorced and my ex-H are really friendly and have even done the odd shared event with our DD. Never with overnight staying and it was a bit odd and we mostly didn’t enjoy it. It’s not better for our daughter. Kids get used to whatever the normal set up is very quickly if you are consistent. This guy is treating you badly and in the long run you’ll be better without him.

You've done the right thing, as painful as it is.

Reading your op it sounded like you were a place to live and a nice person to live with but all the power was his ex's and that isn't going to change. He is spineless as won't stand up for you, this is unlikely to change.

Just a reminder, Bibbity, you have the combined weight of Mumsnet behind you all the way.

All the very best, keep up your determination.