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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Looked on my partners phone... am I justified in being upset?

217 replies

RosieAnne123 · 01/08/2020 14:40

Firstly, I am not proud of myself at all for looking on my partners phone. I know it is a horrible thing to do and a complete breach of trust and privacy.

There has been a longstanding issue throughout mine and my partners relationship. My partner is friends with their ex "friend with benefits", naturally this has made me feel a bit weird and insecure at times as they stopped seeing eachother literally a month before we started dating, so I always felt their "relationship" was very fresh, and I felt worried. This is my problem and I know that.

I struggle with insecurity and paranoia because of a previous boyfriend cheating on me, and this is something I am in therapy for because it really really affected me.

My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me. Because of my insecurities my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction.

Whether this is right or wrong, I feel uncomfortable about my partner meeting up with his ex 1-1 right now. I want to get to a place I'm okay with it, but right now I am not. I am more than happy for my partner to see her in group settings.

I looked on my partners phone because I saw that she had text him. I know I shouldnt have but I did. The text was asking to meet up next weekend. I scrolled up in the conversation and I saw that they had met up just the 2 of them a few weeks ago. My partner said he was seeing her but as a group of friends. Never said just the 2 of them. I feel betrayed and lied to.

OP posts:
piscean10 · 01/08/2020 14:45

You were proved right in checking the phone. I think as he lied and she is a fwb it is possible he cheated. What do you think op?

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 14:47

This would be an instant dismissal for me, am afraid. Even if you are paranoid / jealous there is zero reason to lie & go behind your partner’s back to meet up with someone. Especially when you know it will upset your partner. It’s deceitful. I would be unable to trust again & be always looking to check if he was telling me the truth. Lack of trust is poison to a relationship.

SummerWhisper · 01/08/2020 14:54

Make plans for the 2 of you for next weekend. If he bails out, she is his priority.

FatCatThinCat · 01/08/2020 14:55

It sounds like you're trying to therapy your instincts away. Your feelings and suspicions aren't wrong. Engage with them and trust. Find your self belief and confidence to say 'I'm not ok with this and I will not accept it instead of 'I'm not ok with this, so there must be something wrong with me that needs fixing'.'.

catsandlavender · 01/08/2020 14:57

You’ll spend the whole relationship worrying about it and will probably be proved right again. My DP had a girl he had history with, I was never comfortable with it, he told me over and over there was nothing to worry about. Lo and behold, 3 years in he had an EA. I’m still with him, more fucking fool me.
If he’s doing this it will escalate - and even if it doesn’t, he’s proved he can’t really be trusted. I suppose you could ask him to cut her off completely, which is what I did, and I now know there’s no contact between DP and his “mate”. These things can be recovered from with hard work and trust but only you can decide if that’s something you want to do.
Personally I probably wouldn’t.

Original poster
RosieAnne123 · 01/08/2020 14:57

I really don't believe he has cheated. I do genuinely feel that he just wants a friendship with her because they were friends for many years before they then started sleeping together. But of course, I think to myself, well why do you need to meet up just the two of you? He told me that when they were sleeping together, they never even dated or went for dates or met up just the 2 of them... they would always just end up having sex after group parties or gatherings or when they were drunk and stuff. So actually it seems more weird to me that they met up a few weeks ago? Like you didnt even do that when you were sleeping together!!

So I can say that I don't think he has cheated, or wants to cheat, but there is obviously some sort of drive to see eachother 1-1? And why can't you just chat and catch up in a group setting if you are just friends?

I feel heartbroken because as vikingwife said, how will I be able to trust him? I feel like he has completely gone behind my back and done something he knows would really hurt me. How do I know what else he will do in the future? I could never imagine meeting up with my ex and not telling my partner!!! I would feel like I've completely disrespected them.

I am seriously considering ending the relationship because once my trust has gone, it is gone. But I've done such a bad thing looking on his phone and obviously to tell him what I know means admitting to that

OP posts:
LizzieBennett70 · 01/08/2020 15:00

I wouldn't be with someone who dictated which of my friends I could and couldn't see.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with her, he would be.

catsandlavender · 01/08/2020 15:03

@LizzieBennett70

I wouldn't be with someone who dictated which of my friends I could and couldn't see.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with her, he would be.

Well, OP said she’s happy for him to see her in groups. She hasn’t said he can’t see her, just that at the moment she would prefer he wasn’t going for 1-1 visits with a girl he recently stopped shagging. I would say the two are a little different.
vikingwife · 01/08/2020 15:04

So if you feel he genuinely just wants a friend ship & nothing untoward occurred, what is the issue? It does seem controlling to not want him to meet someone you say is just a friend .

SaucyTrout2k · 01/08/2020 15:04

I’ve been in a similar situation and I would say you need to trust your judgement. You haven’t done anything wrong, he is the one making you feel paranoid. You’ll never get over this trust issue between the two of you so you either need to deal with knowing he’s lying and meeting up with her (not recommended for your own mental health) or you need to realise that it isn’t normal to feel this way in a relationship and it’s time to move on. He is driving you crazy and making you feel insecure but you are feeling that way for good reason. He IS lying and hiding things from you, it’s not in your head. You need to get out of there and find someone you click with. I was an insecure mess with my ex because he was always messaging other women but he always blamed me for my reaction. I’m now married to a wonderful DH who hasn’t made me feel insecure once, he knows my worth and we are very happy together. No fighting for attention, just mutual love and trust.

SummerWhisper · 01/08/2020 15:04

Test it first, by making plans. Then you will have more information to help you make a better chouce. Be brave Flowers

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 01/08/2020 15:05

His feet wouldn't touch the ground 🚪

Original poster
RosieAnne123 · 01/08/2020 15:05

@vikingwife

So if you feel he genuinely just wants a friend ship & nothing untoward occurred, what is the issue? It does seem controlling to not want him to meet someone you say is just a friend .
The issue is him lying and hiding it. He said meeting up as a group when that wasn't the case
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/08/2020 15:08

The thing is op if he told you you wouldn’t have just said ok thanks for telling me I don’t like it but I can’t control what you do. It would have been a thing.

What he’s done in hiding it isn’t ok, but he’s hidden it because of what your reaction would be. I’m not a supporter of “I’m mentally ill so you need to do exactly what I want”

I am a fan of, letting your partner do as they please and you then deciding if it is acceptable to you or not, and either staying or leaving based on the answer.

catsandlavender · 01/08/2020 15:08

I would say that I think you need to work a bit on your self esteem and trust (maybe away from the relationship if you feel it can’t be mended) because looking on your partner’s phone isn’t great, and the feelings that drive you to do that will remain through any new relationships if they aren’t dealt with.

RantyAnty · 01/08/2020 15:10

How long have you been together?

MsDogLady · 01/08/2020 15:11

He feels entitled to lie. Is lying a dealbreaker for you, RosieAnne? It is for me.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 15:12

Ok what I’m saying is, if you feel he genuinely only wants to be friends as you say, why was it a problem for him to meet up with his mate in the first place ?

Either you believe they are just friends, or you don’t (or at least suspicious).

The fact you’re not worried he has cheated says to me you do trust him on some level - so if you do trust this is just a friendship then he should be able to meet up with his mates 1 on 1

Azerothi · 01/08/2020 15:13

Do you live with this current boyfriend?

SepticTankYank · 01/08/2020 15:14

Whether he has cheated or not doesn't matter. He has lied. Do you want to continue a relationship with a liar? How will you trust him after he has shown this capability?

Viviennemary · 01/08/2020 15:15

He is cheating or about to cheat IMHO. Or even have carried on their fwb relationship while he has been with you. Wouldn't trust him an inch.

Ernieshere · 01/08/2020 15:15

Make plans and watch him cancel you.

sleepyhead · 01/08/2020 15:17

Just break up. It'll save so much angst for both of you.

Honestly, I couldn't be with someone like you. I'd find it stifling and exhausting, and yeah - I'd tell lies to try to stop you getting worked up about things I knew were perfectly innocent.

But also you have an absolute right to behave as you do and want a completely transparent partner who never hides anything and never causes you concern. This is not that person so move on.

ALLIS0N · 01/08/2020 15:24

I think you want different things in a relationship.

You want someone who will be honest with you and who will not go on secret one to one meet ups with exs.

He wants to be free to see other women behind your back and lie to you. And no, they are not ‘ white lies ‘ . White lies are lies about unimportant things, usually said to spare someone else’s feelings.

“ yes your your new hair cut is lovely “
“ no you don’t look 40”

They are not “ I was at the pub with everyone and Emma was there too “ when in fact they were on a date, just the two of them.

I agree with the PP who said that you are trying to therapise yourself out of your feelings.

Dump him, he’s not what you need. You are not compatible.

Crankley · 01/08/2020 15:24

@Bluntness100

The thing is op if he told you you wouldn’t have just said ok thanks for telling me I don’t like it but I can’t control what you do. It would have been a thing.

What he’s done in hiding it isn’t ok, but he’s hidden it because of what your reaction would be. I’m not a supporter of “I’m mentally ill so you need to do exactly what I want”

I am a fan of, letting your partner do as they please and you then deciding if it is acceptable to you or not, and either staying or leaving based on the answer.

The above is pretty much what I was going to say. It's obvious he hasn't told you because he knows what your reaction will be.
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