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Original poster

Looked on my partners phone... am I justified in being upset?

217 replies

RosieAnne123 · 01/08/2020 14:40

Firstly, I am not proud of myself at all for looking on my partners phone. I know it is a horrible thing to do and a complete breach of trust and privacy.

There has been a longstanding issue throughout mine and my partners relationship. My partner is friends with their ex "friend with benefits", naturally this has made me feel a bit weird and insecure at times as they stopped seeing eachother literally a month before we started dating, so I always felt their "relationship" was very fresh, and I felt worried. This is my problem and I know that.

I struggle with insecurity and paranoia because of a previous boyfriend cheating on me, and this is something I am in therapy for because it really really affected me.

My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me. Because of my insecurities my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction.

Whether this is right or wrong, I feel uncomfortable about my partner meeting up with his ex 1-1 right now. I want to get to a place I'm okay with it, but right now I am not. I am more than happy for my partner to see her in group settings.

I looked on my partners phone because I saw that she had text him. I know I shouldnt have but I did. The text was asking to meet up next weekend. I scrolled up in the conversation and I saw that they had met up just the 2 of them a few weeks ago. My partner said he was seeing her but as a group of friends. Never said just the 2 of them. I feel betrayed and lied to.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 02/08/2020 09:16

It's not your fault OP. Your DP is a lying cheating manipulative rat at best.

Please cut your losses and get out of this whilst you're still in control and have your self respect.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 02/08/2020 09:18

He said he has done nothing wrong, and I am the one who is wrong by being upset by it.
And when you said “You lied to me. Why don’t you think there is anything wrong with that?” What did he said. Assuming you pulled him up on that because why wouldn’t you?

FWIW I’ve very much been in your position and looking back I was always lying to myself when I said “it’s the fact you lied” it was never the fact he lied it was purely the fact he was meeting another girl he had previously had a sexual relationship with. It was purely jealousy and frustration that I wasn’t enough to detract him from her. I realise that might just be me, but it’s worth being honest with yourself.

Original poster
RosieAnne123 · 02/08/2020 09:21

It all just kicked off. He was demanding that we talk about it. He wanted to know how I felt. I said that I felt he had been dishonest. His response was "fuck you. You have been dishonest going through my phone."

I then apologised for going through his phone, said I knew it was wrong and I felt ashamed. I said I can understand why he didn't want to tell me, as he probably wanted the simpler life and to not have to deal with my anxieties. But that I feel really upset because lying to me and hiding it is so much worse and I have told him before how important honesty is to me. And I have told him before I don't feel comfortable them meeting up on their own.

I thought I was trying to be understanding by seeing it through his perspective why he wouldnt tell me, but still laying down my boundaries.

His response was "this is your fault I have done this. I have done nothing wrong. I only went on a fucking walk. I am a faithful person. I havent cheated and never would. All we did was go for a walk and have a chat. I can't tell you things because you are so controlling. You need to do a better apology"

He cant see it through my eyes at all

OP posts:
Ispywithmycynicaleye · 02/08/2020 09:23

Tell him that's fine, you're going to contact one of your past shags and go for a fucking walk... without him.

Original poster
RosieAnne123 · 02/08/2020 09:24

He could have sat down and said to me "sarah has asked me to meet up for a walk tomorrow... I know you feel anxious about this, please you dont need to worry blah blah" but he chose to keep it quiet and do it in secret

OP posts:
Ispywithmycynicaleye · 02/08/2020 09:25

Or just tyrn around and pack your bags!! He is never going to respect you.

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 02/08/2020 09:30

He is clearly playing on your insecurities so he can do what he wants with other women and then turn it around onto you.
He doesnt respect you.
I dont even think he likes you. If he did why do this to you??
My DP goes out of his way to make me feel loved and secure. He would never dream of doing what your DP did. Staying with him will only make your insecurities worse and he will drive you crazy with his sneaky behaviour and gas lighting later you wont know what way is up. Dont let him destroy who you are. You know what he did was wrong despite what bill he spins you.

Ohfrigginghellers · 02/08/2020 09:31

It sounds like you're trying to therapy your instincts away. Your feelings and suspicions aren't wrong. Engage with them and trust. Find your self belief and confidence to say 'I'm not ok with this and I will not accept it instead of 'I'm not ok with this, so there must be something wrong with me that needs fixing'.'.

^ This

romdowa · 02/08/2020 09:33

Speaking from recent experience, if they have to lie about it then it's not all innocent. Do yourself a favour and walk away. I was an idiot , forgave the lies and stayed and the lies never stopped.

category12 · 02/08/2020 09:33

@RosieAnne123

He could have sat down and said to me "sarah has asked me to meet up for a walk tomorrow... I know you feel anxious about this, please you dont need to worry blah blah" but he chose to keep it quiet and do it in secret
Yes, exactly.

So now what? He chooses the deceitful path and to bluster and blame you, rather than take the adult route and deal with it directly. Is this what you want in your life?

Fleamaker123 · 02/08/2020 09:35

I think you've both got different ideas of what is acceptable in a relationship. He sounds horrible.
Open the door and tell him to go take another walk. Preferably a permanent one.

Cloudyapples · 02/08/2020 09:37

Op my partner has a friend since childhood who - although they never slept together - there has been a History of feelings on both sides. At the start of our relationship his closeness with her made me very nervous and we are very open about how and why I feel wary of her. Throughout I have never stopped him meeting her 1-2-1, but he has also never hidden it from me - he always tells me his plans, where and when they’re meeting and checks in handful of times while with her just Eg texting to let me know he has arrived there and what time he will be back. This reassured me that, while it is important he maintains his friendship, he does so while also ensuring I am comfortable and know I can trust him. He knows it has made me anxious in the past but to lie about it would be worse.

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 09:42

You need to do a better apology

Fuck that. He's an arrogant tosser as well as a liar.

TheStuffedPenguin · 02/08/2020 09:43

You need to do a better apology

That alone tells you you need to dump this guy.

WinnieLo · 02/08/2020 09:48

Wow, even if (and I doubt it) he's right that he is a faithful person, he is not a kind person or an understanding person.

Forcing you in to a better apology when you're feeling insecure and when you have NOT been reassured is really shitty.

I hope you are getting turned right off him OP.

This is not the relationship for you.

You need somebody who WILL reassure you because they care about how you feel! I don't mean pander to every insecurity you might ever have at the expense of their own schedule and freedom, but I mean somebody who just cares that you're feeling insecure. You're feeling pretty distressed right now and he's being mean to you. Even if you tune out the ''court case'' of is he going to cheat, does he want to cheat, are you controlling, are you sorry, should you be sorry, should he be sorry etc etc............... tune all of that out. Bottom line for you should be that he does not care that you are upset.

WinnieLo · 02/08/2020 09:54

@RosieAnne123

He could have sat down and said to me "sarah has asked me to meet up for a walk tomorrow... I know you feel anxious about this, please you dont need to worry blah blah" but he chose to keep it quiet and do it in secret
You are right. Don't doubt yourself.

He is going out of his way to make you doubt yourself right now, but you have it here. He could have been honest and sensitive to your feelings and also remembered that he is in a relationship, but instead, he decided to lie to you and get angry with you and force you to make a better apology to him! geez.

Don't doubt what you wrote here.

Jellytot844 · 02/08/2020 09:54

Agree with everyone else, you can't stay in this. It won't get better, he is doing nothing to reassure you and he lied. You can't trust him and he doesn't even seem to respect you.

Original poster
RosieAnne123 · 02/08/2020 10:07

We have been together over a year though so surely if he wanted her he would have done something by now. It isn't even the fact he saw her, it is that he didnt tell me. We could have spoken about it. Found a way to manage it, like a PP said about knowing what time he is going, when will be home, a few texts to check in etc

OP posts:
Staplemaple · 02/08/2020 10:12

OP the issue really is that you have been made to feel you need to check his phone, he doesn't feel he can be honest with you, and he is showing he doesn't really give a crap by his reaction to it all. Thinking of the bigger picture, this relationship doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 10:12

He doesn't want to manage it. He wants you to be the bad guy.

Newmum2018aug · 02/08/2020 10:12

@RosieAnne123

It all just kicked off. He was demanding that we talk about it. He wanted to know how I felt. I said that I felt he had been dishonest. His response was "fuck you. You have been dishonest going through my phone."

I then apologised for going through his phone, said I knew it was wrong and I felt ashamed. I said I can understand why he didn't want to tell me, as he probably wanted the simpler life and to not have to deal with my anxieties. But that I feel really upset because lying to me and hiding it is so much worse and I have told him before how important honesty is to me. And I have told him before I don't feel comfortable them meeting up on their own.

I thought I was trying to be understanding by seeing it through his perspective why he wouldnt tell me, but still laying down my boundaries.

His response was "this is your fault I have done this. I have done nothing wrong. I only went on a fucking walk. I am a faithful person. I havent cheated and never would. All we did was go for a walk and have a chat. I can't tell you things because you are so controlling. You need to do a better apology"

He cant see it through my eyes at all

Is he mad? You have been dishonest going through his phone? If you hadnt you would have never have known and he wasnt going to tell you. If anything he would have iust kept meeting up with her.

Why does he need to go for a walk with her for? I dont get it? Doesnt he have any other friends?

You do not need to apologise oh my god, he does. He sounds so manipulative stop trying to even understand him and reason with him. What he did is way worse.

MashedSpud · 02/08/2020 10:12

He’s a liar.

LaGoulueRevenue · 02/08/2020 10:13

Not necessarily, OP. Who knows why their arrangement was never a relationship and still isn't. It's gone past the point of being relevant anyway.
You're being treated very badly.

vikingwife · 02/08/2020 10:14

well now realistically you have 2 options - suck it up & get over it, apologise & do not question him again about who he meets up with.

Or leave. If you do leave I would do it quietly during the day so he comes back to the place empty. Call some movers, get a storage unit & empty it out.

But I am prone to going nuclear if am fucked over... I love the idea they will come home to nothing & no note, then find they are blocked on all social media. Just because you live with someone doesn’t meant you can’t ghost them.

It’s up to you if you feel you can move past this or not. But I think you have to accept they’re going to be hanging out now.

Newmum2018aug · 02/08/2020 10:20

Have you thought about messaging her yourself?

More often than not if you explain to her that youre uncomfortable in a kind way most decent girls would back off if there is nothing between them. If she genuinely cares for him as a friend she would suggest all 3 of you meeting up or something. Hes also probably told her lots of bad things about your relationship by the sounds of it as he was looking for someone to confide in.

I dont know if you know the girl or not but may be something to consider. It depends what shes like as a person.

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