Looked on my partners phone... am I justified in being upset?

[RosieAnne123]

Firstly, I am not proud of myself at all for looking on my partners phone. I know it is a horrible thing to do and a complete breach of trust and privacy.

There has been a longstanding issue throughout mine and my partners relationship. My partner is friends with their ex "friend with benefits", naturally this has made me feel a bit weird and insecure at times as they stopped seeing eachother literally a month before we started dating, so I always felt their "relationship" was very fresh, and I felt worried. This is my problem and I know that.

I struggle with insecurity and paranoia because of a previous boyfriend cheating on me, and this is something I am in therapy for because it really really affected me.

My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me. Because of my insecurities my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction.

Whether this is right or wrong, I feel uncomfortable about my partner meeting up with his ex 1-1 right now. I want to get to a place I'm okay with it, but right now I am not. I am more than happy for my partner to see her in group settings.

I looked on my partners phone because I saw that she had text him. I know I shouldnt have but I did. The text was asking to meet up next weekend. I scrolled up in the conversation and I saw that they had met up just the 2 of them a few weeks ago. My partner said he was seeing her but as a group of friends. Never said just the 2 of them. I feel betrayed and lied to.

@sleepyhead

Just break up. It'll save so much angst for both of you.

Honestly, I couldn't be with someone like you. I'd find it stifling and exhausting, and yeah - I'd tell lies to try to stop you getting worked up about things I knew were perfectly innocent.

But also you have an absolute right to behave as you do and want a completely transparent partner who never hides anything and never causes you concern. This is not that person so move on.

Also this! No one tells me who I am and am not allowed to socialise with.

Even if he’s not having sex, he is keeping Ms Plan B available as ‘his friend’ without you, exclusively. If he’s cross with you, he can just escape to someone else

This is just unacceptable. They had already stopped sleeping together before the op and him got together, there is nothing to say because this woman had a previous sexual relationship with him she would do so again.

Many people have slept with someone at a time in their lives that worked for them, but would not revisit. They were friends for a long time and if they wish to be again, they can be, without sex in the mix.

You really can’t make assumptions that if a woman Slept with a man at any point, she’d always be willing to do so and is some form of play thing that is always available, Waiting in the Wings, that’s so wrong.

There is also nothing to suggest he’s cheating here or wishes to. This could just as easily be he doesn’t wish to be told who he can and cannot see and under which conditions and took the rather foolish decision to do as he pleased, and just not tell the op because of the hassle. In reality he should have told her straight.

Why were they friends with benefits in the first place? I agree the lying is not ideal, but if neither of them wanted to be in a relationship then there's probably no great threat.

I don't think you can stop someone cheating by simply forbidding them to meet a certain person, unfortunately.

Deceit is a deal breaker for me.

Hi op

I’m afraid this wouldn’t sit well with me either and I’m not a particularly jealous person. I’m not sure it’s salvageable either, as you’ll never really know if he’s cheated. I think if you are worrying about this relationship, life would probably be easier just not to bother.

There are plenty of men out there without quite so much baggage, that they insist on carrying around.

Meeting an ex/person of the opposite sex - not an issue.
Lying/going behind your back - definitely an issue.

I think you just need to break up.
He is lying to you and hiding things and you are going through his phone because you don’t trust him - it’s not a healthy relationship.

As a pp said you can’t stop someone from cheating if they're going to do it they will find a way and not allowing him to see someone is not ok. He would probably end up using that as an excuse as to why he cheated.

I was completely cut out of my exes life once he met his now wife, despite us having been good friends since we split a few years previously. I was very hurt at the time but even though I still think he could have dealt with the situation better, 10 years on I fully understand why. He had long had lingering feelings for me after I ended it and his new girlfriend was insecure and jealous of the idea of me. He loved her and wanted to commit his future to her so I was out. They are happily married with their own children now. When the chips were down he demonstrated where his loyalties lay.

If a man really wants to be with you and commit to you, and knows that you’re not happy about an ex in their life, they will not be meeting up with that person if they genuinely have no feelings left for them.

So I would end it. It doesn’t matter if he cheated or not. He was dishonest and prioritised seeing this woman over the known risk of you being hurt if you found out, or the guilt of being dishonest to you. Game over for me.

Why were they friends with benefits in the first place?

Ehh, because they both wanted to be? It clearly suited them both to have a situation where they had regular sex with someone with whom they were friendly, knew wasn’t going to turn into a nutter and wasn’t looking for commitment. Win-win.

I guess what you don’t know is whether anything is actually going on with her or if they just have a friendship.

What is a problem is that you are not happy with him having a close friendship with her where they spend any time alone.

Given the history with them and your own history of being cheated on, I don’t really blame you for feeling as you do.

However, if they are just friends, you are not comfortable with it. Which means he has to give up a friend or only see that friend under certain conditions set by you. And let’s face it, you aren’t actually happy they are friends at all.

He has lied about it, either to avoid the confrontation and grief, or because he is being deceitful about what is really going on.

I think either way this isn’t going to work. I can’t see a way that either of you will be happy in this scenario, one of you is always going to be dictating what is happening.

@Bluntness100

The thing is op if he told you you wouldn’t have just said ok thanks for telling me I don’t like it but I can’t control what you do. It would have been a thing.

What he’s done in hiding it isn’t ok, but he’s hidden it because of what your reaction would be. I’m not a supporter of “I’m mentally ill so you need to do exactly what I want”

I am a fan of, letting your partner do as they please and you then deciding if it is acceptable to you or not, and either staying or leaving based on the answer.

So, if she lets him know it’s over yet he wants her to stay, what then? I know this sort of bloke. They’ll choose a woman like OP as they know she’ll be careful to not overreact to her every suspicion as she’s been cheated on prior.

OP - he’ll not change and you can do better. Walk. Don’t put yourself through this. Your instinct made you look at the phone - plenty do that when something feels off. If he can’t make sacrifices for the relationship and your wellbeing he’s a horrible piss taker. You’ve said yourself, you wouldn’t feel the need to be out with an ex fuck buddy 1:1. Don’t be convinced by those here normalising lies. It’s not normal to lie to your partner. He knows you don’t like the scenario so he manipulates the best of both worlds. Chin up - move on to someone who shares your values - this bloke doesn’t.
But definitely make out you have ideas for next weekend then casually ask if he thinks she’ll mind. Don’t even tell him how you know and see what he says. Be prepared that if offered a choice he’ll choose the freedom to do as he pleases. It’s not even about her. It’s about him and his need to be ‘the big man’.
Find someone nice who wouldn’t dream of doing this and knows what respect is

Please always trust your instincts, they are there to protect you

I have told him I looked and what I saw. I told him bad and ashamed I felt. He said he has done nothing wrong, and I am the one who is wrong by being upset by it. He said he didnt tell me because things havent been good with us and he knew I wouldn't take it well

He’s clearly done wrong because he lied, whichever way people want to look at it it’s not ok to lie about something you have agreed not to do. You also shouldn’t have looked at his phone as that’s his private property.
I don’t like this “i knew how you’d react” thing and I dislike that PPs are peddling it too. It’s very blame-y, like “it’s ok he lied about something he promised he wouldn’t do because you’d be soooo upset about it”.

You need to say to him - I put forward that boundary and you agreed to it, either that agreement didn’t matter to you enough to uphold it or you agreed knowing you were going to break it. Ask him why he feels the need to specifically meet up with her 1:1? It’s just weird like if she’s such a “mate” he can see her in a group

@RosieAnne123

I have told him I looked and what I saw. I told him bad and ashamed I felt. He said he has done nothing wrong, and I am the one who is wrong by being upset by it. He said he didnt tell me because things havent been good with us and he knew I wouldn't take it well

He's pushing it back onto you . Yeah you looked at his phone but so what ? He had something to hide and you found out . A decent man who loves you will respect and try to understand this and do everything to make you feel comfortable .

He’s lying and hiding things from you because you’re controlling. Either you trust him not to sleep with her or you don’t.

I agree with stuffed penguin- you suspected something, you needed to find proof, you got it. Like I said I’m in the same boat. It’s not nice. Not sure if I can get to the same level of trust I once had. I’ve come to the conclusion that it will be down to me to make the choice NOT my partner. Different fir us as we have DCs. If we didn’t I’d have walked and taken everything I could. My partner doesn’t know I know yet. The lies just keep coming. I’m thinking ‘enough rope to hange themselves with’.

He said he didnt tell me because things havent been good with us and he knew I wouldn't take it well

This is gaslighting, it's all about pushing it back on you.

I did this, because you are like that.

Bullshit, he didn't want you to know because he wanted to hide it.

This is gaslighting
Just what I was about to say. He does something wrong then tells you it’s your fault for daring to be upset about what he’s done. He’s a liar and you will never be able to trust him again.

He shouldn’t be lying no matter what, that is what I would take most issue with. It sounds to me like this relationship is going to be more stress than it’s worth for you!!!

I agree with yummy. This relationship will cause you endless stress. The former FWB will be in his life for some time yet, and now you know he lies to you.

Better to be single than always being hypervigilant over your partner.

If you're wanting to check his phone it's not a healthy relationship.

If he's wanting to lie to you to meet up with people that would upset you it's not a healthy relationship.

One of you needs to be grown up enough to acknowledge this is not a healthy relationship, it will bring unnecessary drama and it's good you realised sooner rather than later that you aren't compatible.

You can make it all as dramatic as you want, the two of you, and fight and it become a huge issue, but really this is a clear sign you're not compatible, aren't on the same page and it's h healthy.

Cut your losses.

@RosieAnne123

I have told him I looked and what I saw. I told him bad and ashamed I felt. He said he has done nothing wrong, and I am the one who is wrong by being upset by it. He said he didnt tell me because things havent been good with us and he knew I wouldn't take it well

He has done something wrong. He has hurt you. If things hadn’t been good with you both the last thing he should have done was meet up with his former FWB for a one to one.

Is he going to do that every time things aren’t great between you? Is that how he will ‘sort issues out’ between you in the future?

@GeorginaTheGiant great post. Very true ring to it. And I do think many men, perhaps more than women, either have lingering feelings for an Ex, like the ego boost of an Ex, or love being needed by a few women. They find it hard to just be friends. I’ve had several men tell me they always in their head think they can sleep with an Ex again, even if really they can’t, but it’s a good feeling. It’s not really platonic friendship that they’ve magically evolved to.

I was completely cut out of my exes life once he met his now wife, despite us having been good friends since we split a few years previously. I was very hurt at the time but even though I still think he could have dealt with the situation better, 10 years on I fully understand why. He had long had lingering feelings for me after I ended it and his new girlfriend was insecure and jealous of the idea of me. He loved her and wanted to commit his future to her so I was out.

Sorry that this happened to you, what a heart wrenching thing to have to find out. When your other half lies to you it makes you doubt everything and all the follow up questions start to creep into your head.

I can understand your insecurity about this friend with benefits. I personally would have to ask my partner to cut all ties with such a person and couldn’t let them be a part of their friendship group.

Once you’ve had an intimate relationship with someone even if there’s no real feelings, it’s hard to see them as just a friend, it’s always going to be there the “benefits” they shared.

You going into his phone... did your lack of trust trigger that? And if so, I guess you were right, go with your instinct on this. It won’t let you down

I think you have contraindicated yourself by saying he don't think he would cheat but you can't trust him now. Why can you not trust him if you believe he won't cheat?
Personally I think he's a cheating prick.