Looked on my partners phone... am I justified in being upset?

[RosieAnne123]

Firstly, I am not proud of myself at all for looking on my partners phone. I know it is a horrible thing to do and a complete breach of trust and privacy.

There has been a longstanding issue throughout mine and my partners relationship. My partner is friends with their ex "friend with benefits", naturally this has made me feel a bit weird and insecure at times as they stopped seeing eachother literally a month before we started dating, so I always felt their "relationship" was very fresh, and I felt worried. This is my problem and I know that.

I struggle with insecurity and paranoia because of a previous boyfriend cheating on me, and this is something I am in therapy for because it really really affected me.

My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me. Because of my insecurities my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction.

Whether this is right or wrong, I feel uncomfortable about my partner meeting up with his ex 1-1 right now. I want to get to a place I'm okay with it, but right now I am not. I am more than happy for my partner to see her in group settings.

I looked on my partners phone because I saw that she had text him. I know I shouldnt have but I did. The text was asking to meet up next weekend. I scrolled up in the conversation and I saw that they had met up just the 2 of them a few weeks ago. My partner said he was seeing her but as a group of friends. Never said just the 2 of them. I feel betrayed and lied to.

No-one can actually know why he covered it up. It may be because he feared OP’s reaction or it may be because he fancies the other woman more and wants to see her.

What I do know is that if I was really into someone and I knew a particular person brought out their insecurities I wouldn’t lie to them and see that person behind their back. I would encourage them to hang out and see they had nothing to fear from them.

I do think we probably need to get to a place as a society where ‘friends with benefits’ isn’t a normal, accepted occurrence. It is making sex cheap, disposable, without any respect or commitment. When we do that it can then be very difficult to actually make a commitment to someone. And to have a long term relationship, or marriage, especially with kids, then we really do need to combine sex with commitment and long term love.

Your DP has had sex on tap with his FWB and he can probably get that now. Even if he’s not having sex, he is keeping Ms Plan B available as ‘his friend’ without you, exclusively. If he’s cross with you, he can just escape to someone else. It’s way too easy.

Even if he hasn’t actually slept with her, I think keeping on your FWB is just asking for trouble in a committed relationship. Commitment is hard. It takes compromise and it is not always easy. The thing that separates a commitment relationship from friends is sex and love. He is keeping an available source of no commitment sex open. That isn’t good. Time to re evaluate if he can really commit.

Well rather than lie and hide things, maybe he could just not do things that make you feel insecure? Like meeting his fuckbuddy 1-to-1?

Or maybe the op could work on her insecurities and trust issues and not enter into a relationship until she has done so, so that she will not make a new partner pay for what a previous partner has done?

If this was a woman posting saying her boyfriend was dating she couldn’t meet a friend/ex fuckbuddy 1:1 but was giving her permission to meet him in a group, was checking her phone etc, and trotting out the ‘trust issues’ excuse, the responses would be very different.

Yep he's disobeying your trust. He's being an arse and doesnt respect you, whether he's cheating or not.

Dump him and move on.

Also, in no way is this your insecurities. This is your healthy warning system and don’t anyone make you feel crap for this.

I’m sure your BF would feel just as insecure if you kept on your hot, ex FWB and were meeting up with him alone on a regular basis.

@sammylady37

Well rather than lie and hide things, maybe he could just not do things that make you feel insecure? Like meeting his fuckbuddy 1-to-1?

Or maybe the op could work on her insecurities and trust issues and not enter into a relationship until she has done so, so that she will not make a new partner pay for what a previous partner has done?

If this was a woman posting saying her boyfriend was dating she couldn’t meet a friend/ex fuckbuddy 1:1 but was giving her permission to meet him in a group, was checking her phone etc, and trotting out the ‘trust issues’ excuse, the responses would be very different.

I would say the same to a man. If his wife was seeing her FWB on a regular basis 1-1 I’d think it was shady as hell and would tell the man that he needed to have a serious chat, and that he was reasonable to be questioning it. It’s not ‘’’permission’ it’s just respect in a relationship. You don’t meet up with your fresh ‘fuckbuddy’ 1-1 if you are trying to commit to a partner (what a horrible term!)

This would be a deal breaker for me. There’s no way I’d be with somebody who was meeting up
with an ex 1 to 1. Nope. Finished.

So is nobody allowed to meet up with someone they once had sex with @IceCreamSummer20?

• I do think we probably need to get to a place as a society where ‘friends with benefits’ isn’t a normal, accepted occurrence. It is making sex cheap, disposable, without any respect or commitment. When we do that it can then be very difficult to actually make a commitment to someone. And to have a long term relationship, or marriage, especially with kids, then we really do need to combine sex with commitment and long term love.

Your DP has had sex on tap with his FWB and he can probably get that now. Even if he’s not having sex, he is keeping Ms Plan B available as ‘his friend’ without you, exclusively. If he’s cross with you, he can just escape to someone else. It’s way too easy.

Even if he hasn’t actually slept with her, I think keeping on your FWB is just asking for trouble in a committed relationship. Commitment is hard. It takes compromise and it is not always easy. The thing that separates a commitment relationship from friends is sex and love. He is keeping an available source of no commitment sex open. That isn’t good. Time to re evaluate if he can really commit*

So much wrong with this post. Firstly, the notion that he’s keeping a “plan B on tap”. Does this woman get a say? She may not want to have sex with him ever again. She (and he) may be perfectly happy to continue being friends- from the op’s posts it seems they’re long-standing friends who were fuckbuddies for a while and now are just friends again. That’s perfectly possible. I have a friend just like that. We now meet regularly, 1:1 and in groups, sometimes I meet him and his wife together. I’ve stayed in their house. I was at their wedding. We’re not going to have sex again but we remain very close friends.

Secondly, the attitude towards casual sex. Cheap? Lacking respect? Not everyone sees sex as some sacred act that should only occur between those in a serious committed relationship. Sex is fun. It’s pleasurable. It’s a normal life. It’s society that has put constraints on it. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex between consenting adults. And casual sex isn’t necessarily disrespectful, nor is committed sex always respectful - have a read of some threads here about the husbands who have sex with their wives while they’re asleep (ie, the husbands who rape their wives).

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex and having a regular friend with benefits is a safe way for women to fulfil their sexual needs.

nah, fuck that

Another fan of Bluntness100's excellent post

This relationship isn't really working for you is it?

In the light of your history I'd say you need someone who is more on the same page.
He went from her straight to you and hasn't really ended that relationship in a way you are confident with.

You don't owe him an explanation, it's all a bit hard work.

I've been here, although they were not fucking, she wanted to, was just auditioning for the role, and he enjoyed the attention and comfort of having her there.
Puffing him up.

Let it go.

You lost your confidence &trust in others through your previous relationship. You're still carrying that baggage. You say you don't think they were up to anything and that you knew about their prior relationship. I suspect he lied to you because if he said anything at the time he felt there'd be fireworks. I doubt I could cope with being afraid to tell my partner anything. I don't think you're ready for a relationship until you put the past behind you and I think he deserves to be in a relationship where he doesn't feel he needs to hide things from his partner. If you want to stay with him and feel nothing went on other than two old friends getting together then put it behind you, tell him you know about them meeting and its ok provided he lets you know.

I had exactly the same situation when I met my partner.
Very swiftly, he cut all contact with his ex because he could see it didn’t help the situation.
He then helped me go through therapy and we are now happily engaged 5 years later with DS.
He would never have met up with her and lied to her about it. He prioritised next.
This is not what your partner is doing. Leave him.

If you suspect anything I think anyone would snoop given the chance. I have and found all sorts. I’m keeps no it to myself for now as it just reveals my partners real character. Which to my disappointment is vile. If I hadn’t snooped I’d have had no idea. Something triggered it as a gut instinct and unfortunately I was right. No real lines crossed yet but it’s not nice to see nonetheless. I wish you luck in what you do. Be clever with it don’t react as it’s not going to give you what you want. My partners group of friends know all about this and are all laughing behind my back and pushing them into pursuing the affair. I feel for you, I really do. Good luck.

@VinylDetective

So is nobody allowed to meet up with someone they once had sex with *@IceCreamSummer20*?

Well that is a bit silly. Of course we should be able to be in those grey areas, and see people that we’ve had sex with. However there are lines - and the closer we are to them - then the harder it is to stay committed. There is a healthy balance between ‘never’ seeing anyone of the opposite sex ever, or hanging out with all the people we’ve had sex with on a one to one basis and texting late at night etc. Somewhere in between is the safer, more respectful zone.

Seeing your very fresh (as in, just before your relationship) FWB on a one to one basis regularly is not in that safe, respectful zone. If he really wants to keep up with her, then he should do it in an open, respectful way that sends clear signals - such as having friendly nights out with a few people, including FWB and his partner. And just easing off out of that intimate zone.

I feel betrayed and lied to

That's because you have been betrayed and lied to. I would dump him OP.

The constant use of the word ‘controlling’ by some is nuts- There is a big difference between having standards and boundaries in a monogamous relationship and ‘control’ — and a great many people in monogamous relationships of both sexes have a ‘not ok’ boundary that include secretive one to one dates / meet ups with ex partners/fuck buddies. This is not controlling— and if it’s all totally hunky dory and not dodgy then mention it- if you think it’s going to cause issues don’t do it or don’t have a partner who isn’t ok with it.

If you feel the need to check his phone then it has no future, you evidently do not trust him. I agree with a PP who said you probably aren't ready for a relationship, it's not fair to carry over your insecurities over and scrutinise everything a partner does, my ex did this to me and it was what ultimately doomed our relationship. Similarly he has been an arse and you're better off without anyway.

Well he's lied to you. You have two choices, you either leave him, or accept it and continue

Op,
"i fell uncomfortable about my partner meeting up with his ex 1-1 right now. I want to get to a place I'm okay with it, but right now I am not. I am more than happy for my partner to see her in group settings"

Did you explicitly tell your DP this?
Did you also tell him a relationship with you also comes with zero privacy?
Personally I would tell him that you have gone through his phone and you forbid him going to see his friend. I get the feeling this may solve your relationship issues.

I agree with Bluntness too.
FWB is a relationship without commitment. I wish it had been around when I was in my twenties because it pretty much described most of my relationships. I wasn’t ready to commit. Unfortunately you were seen as a bit ‘easy’ by the ‘ring on my finger’ brigade so you kept it quiet. Different generations, different attitudes.
The problem is OP that not everyone lives by your rules, so maybe you need to look for a partner who prefers exclusivity.

I actually don’t agree that you’re in the right here. He lied, but because you’re being unreasonable in my opinion. Both me and my husband have friends that we had dalliances/FWB situations in the past (one of his is godmother to our daughter!) and who we hang out with one on one- but it’s not an issue because we trust one another. As DH said to me very early on in the relationship “I have slept with Sarah, but I’ve never been in relationship with her. If I wanted to be, I would be!” And that about sums it up.

For what it’s worth I’ve also been horribly and long termite cheated on by an ex, but I knew from very early on in my relationship with my DH that he wasn’t in that mould. If you don’t feel that confidently about your partner, maybe that’s what you need to look at.

@LizzieBennett70

I wouldn't be with someone who dictated which of my friends I could and couldn't see.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with her, he would be.

Yep, this. Going through his phone is an inexcusable breach of the privacy which he, as an adult, is entitled to. You don't own him.