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Original poster

Looked on my partners phone... am I justified in being upset?

217 replies

RosieAnne123 · 01/08/2020 14:40

Firstly, I am not proud of myself at all for looking on my partners phone. I know it is a horrible thing to do and a complete breach of trust and privacy.

There has been a longstanding issue throughout mine and my partners relationship. My partner is friends with their ex "friend with benefits", naturally this has made me feel a bit weird and insecure at times as they stopped seeing eachother literally a month before we started dating, so I always felt their "relationship" was very fresh, and I felt worried. This is my problem and I know that.

I struggle with insecurity and paranoia because of a previous boyfriend cheating on me, and this is something I am in therapy for because it really really affected me.

My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me. Because of my insecurities my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction.

Whether this is right or wrong, I feel uncomfortable about my partner meeting up with his ex 1-1 right now. I want to get to a place I'm okay with it, but right now I am not. I am more than happy for my partner to see her in group settings.

I looked on my partners phone because I saw that she had text him. I know I shouldnt have but I did. The text was asking to meet up next weekend. I scrolled up in the conversation and I saw that they had met up just the 2 of them a few weeks ago. My partner said he was seeing her but as a group of friends. Never said just the 2 of them. I feel betrayed and lied to.

OP posts:
catsandlavender · 01/08/2020 15:27

OP’s boyfriend didn’t have to agree to her saying she would like them to just meet up in groups for now, though. If he wasn’t ok with it or knew he’d just do it anyway, it’s not great communication to just say “yes darling whatever you want”.
He’s agreed to that, and then just gone and ignored it, regardless of if it was a reasonable request. The relationship can’t mean that much to him if he’s not even willing to have a convo about why he doesn’t accept that request.

Also, lying and going ahead with it anyway probably doesn’t do much to make OP feel like she can trust him around this girl.

OP, your boyfriend probably hasn’t cheated but if he is happy to lie and meet her 1-1 (and it’s that important to him to see her alone that he lies about it), then I would just be wary.

TableFlowerss · 01/08/2020 15:31

I think you’re well within your rights to feel the way you do OP.

I think a lot of us women would feel the same as you. If they’d not slept together previously maybe not so much so, but to think they’ve done intimate things with each other. It’s not nice to know.

Those saying ‘I wouldn’t care, they’re just friends’, with all due respect probably

A haven’t ever been cheated on

B aren’t that fussed on their DH sexually anyway. I know with my ex I wasn’t attracted to him and we were together like friends. I wouldn’t have cared who he went for lunch with.

C haven’t been in therapy like you

Also the fact he lied is a red flag.

It’s understandable OP

Coffeepot72 · 01/08/2020 15:31

Just remember that his cheating is a greater trespass than you looking at his phone. My ex tried to make out that I only found out about his bit on the side because I’d been snooping, which somehow exonerated him!

Wolfgirrl · 01/08/2020 15:31

He lied to you to meet his old f-buddy, alone, behind your back.

He is definitely trying to get their old arrangement back.

I know it hurts OP but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck.

No doubt he will come out with the 'I only saw her because I'm an emotional mess and she is a friend' rubbish Hmm

SteelyPanther · 01/08/2020 15:35

He’s lied about meeting up with another woman.
What more do you want ?

LemonTT · 01/08/2020 15:36

You are in a relationship you aren’t ready for and neither is he.

But you can’t do anything about him. Recognise that imposing the boundaries as you are is toxic. All you are doing is making life impossible for yourself.

Your desire for control in ways that overstep mean anyone who is a straight arrow will walk away from you. Leaving you with people who will lie to you or who accept being controlled. Neither of these types will provide you with the growth and happiness you need.

5363738383j · 01/08/2020 15:38

I would be suspicious. Regardless of your issues, it's dodgy. I don't see how you can continue.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 01/08/2020 15:42

Agree with @Bluntness100

FizzyGreenWater · 01/08/2020 15:48

End the relationship.

The trust is gone for you because he lied. It would for me too.

But more than that, this doesn't suit you. The grey areas with folk you used to sleep with while drunk but they're your 'good friend' - umm, no thanks from me, though it's up the the individual. Lying about that to 'keep the peace' (presumably) - just walk away.

Yankathebear · 01/08/2020 15:52

How long have you been together?

sammylady37 · 01/08/2020 15:53

The one and only time I lied to a then boyfriend about meeting a friend (who was a long term friend who I’d shagged twice) it was because I knew precisely the ott reaction I’d get from the boyfriend. He’d have accused me of cheating, or wanting to cheat, he’d have ruined the time I spent with my friend by texting/calling constantly and he’d have gone on and on about it forever. So I lied.

And I subsequently got rid of the boyfriend, who was a controlling abusive arse, and am still friends with the other guy, more than 10 years later. And we haven’t shagged since.

I’m always highly suspicious of those who use the “I have trust issues because I was cheated on in the past” to justify their behaviour. You may well have trust issues, but it’s up to you to sort them out, not to control your boyfriend because of them.

Coffeepot72 · 01/08/2020 15:54

So if you expect your partner to be faithful, then you’re being controlling?

Coffeepot72 · 01/08/2020 15:56

I totally agree with @FizzyGreenWater about grey areas

Josette77 · 01/08/2020 15:57

OP doesn't think he's cheating why does everyone else?

sammylady37 · 01/08/2020 15:58

So if you expect your partner to be faithful, then you’re being controlling?

I don’t think anyone has said that, have they?

But trying to control and dictate the circumstances in which your partner can see their friends, and snooping on their phone are controlling behaviours.

VinylDetective · 01/08/2020 16:05

I think Bluntness has completely summed it up. He knew you’d react badly if he told you so he didn’t.

RoseTintedAtuin · 01/08/2020 16:06

TBH OP it sounds like you have majorly breached his trust. You have accessed his phone and looked through his messages despite no red flags and you don’t believe he has cheated. You haven’t found anything to make you feel he has cheated but you are clearly looking for something. There doesn’t appear to have been any trust for him to break in the relationship.

popcornlover · 01/08/2020 16:18

For your own sake OP, smell the coffee.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/08/2020 16:23

"My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me. Because of my insecurities my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction."
Well rather than lie and hide things, maybe he could just not do things that make you feel insecure? Like meeting his fuckbuddy 1-to-1?

This relationship is not working for you. You need to be with someone that you can trust, and - he's not.

WinnieLo · 01/08/2020 16:23

I think he's lying because their relationship is obviously not 100% platonic. They met on their own. Not in a group of friends. That was the way they wanted it. Whether or not they slept together, the dynamic of their relationship is 1:1, not just two friendly acquaintances in a group. He knows how you feel and he will just lie to go ahead and do what he wants anyway.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 01/08/2020 16:26

He lied to you about their ‘meet up’ a few weeks ago. Why? He’s now arranged to meet up again and so far hasn’t told you.

Don’t let on you checked his phone. Casually tell him you’ve planned a lovely day/evening for the two of you on the date they’re planning to meet up again and just see what he says. And I would keep an eye on their messages!!

I don’t believe they’re meeting up as friends. Sorry OP but I suspect their ‘arrangement’ is continuing.

birdy124 · 01/08/2020 16:28

I think ppl who say you are being over controlling are naive. It's perfectly acceptable to set a boundary that you don't want him to hang out with his ex-fuck buddy alone! I agree group setting is different.

TBH I would just end the relationship, it's not worth it. Been there done that.

Mammaaof · 01/08/2020 16:32

OP there is no way in hell my partner would have even been speaking to her 🤣 call me controlling I don't care!! I think your instincts are right! Don't let him make you think it's just your insecurities by him telling you there just friends!!

monkeymonkey2010 · 01/08/2020 16:32

My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me..... my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction

He chooses to lie - and is trying to gaslight you into believing it's your fault that he 'has' to do it.

I don't know why you're tying yourself in knots thinking about this....

howfarwevecome · 01/08/2020 16:35

I struggle with insecurity and paranoia because of a previous boyfriend cheating on me, and this is something I am in therapy for because it really really affected me.

My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me. Because of my insecurities my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction

I'm not sure you're ready to be in a relationship, tbh.

You're holding a subsequent boyfriend responsible for your feelings because a previous boyfriend was an absolute shit. He now feels he has to lie just to see a friend rather than trigger an anxious reaction from you about it. That isn't a healthy way for HIM to live, let alone you.

Yes, he should have been up front and honest. And nothing may be going on. Or something may be going on. But your role in how he is handling this is in play, too. That needs to be addressed.