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Original poster

Looked on my partners phone... am I justified in being upset?

217 replies

RosieAnne123 · 01/08/2020 14:40

Firstly, I am not proud of myself at all for looking on my partners phone. I know it is a horrible thing to do and a complete breach of trust and privacy.

There has been a longstanding issue throughout mine and my partners relationship. My partner is friends with their ex "friend with benefits", naturally this has made me feel a bit weird and insecure at times as they stopped seeing eachother literally a month before we started dating, so I always felt their "relationship" was very fresh, and I felt worried. This is my problem and I know that.

I struggle with insecurity and paranoia because of a previous boyfriend cheating on me, and this is something I am in therapy for because it really really affected me.

My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me. Because of my insecurities my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction.

Whether this is right or wrong, I feel uncomfortable about my partner meeting up with his ex 1-1 right now. I want to get to a place I'm okay with it, but right now I am not. I am more than happy for my partner to see her in group settings.

I looked on my partners phone because I saw that she had text him. I know I shouldnt have but I did. The text was asking to meet up next weekend. I scrolled up in the conversation and I saw that they had met up just the 2 of them a few weeks ago. My partner said he was seeing her but as a group of friends. Never said just the 2 of them. I feel betrayed and lied to.

OP posts:
londonscalling · 02/08/2020 03:04

You could either say to him that you know you shouldn't have looked on his phone but you just knew something was not right and it appears you were justified. Alternatively, don't mention the phone and just say that you've been made aware that they met up on their own a couple of weeks ago. Let him then wonder if someone spotted them together or whether his ex told you!

Monty27 · 02/08/2020 03:24

I think you need to drop him OP. I've just come out the other side of a relationship I had who had all sorts of hanger on exes. It's a long story. I was in love with him but gave my suspicions, dignity and self respect first call.
Don't feel bad about the phone. I would have done it too but he had it on password always.
In the end I felt it wasn't worth the head fuck. Look after yourself.
Flowers

RLEOM · 02/08/2020 03:29

I was in your position. He ended up cheating on me with her just after we had our baby. It killed me.

Does he always make sure he looks nice when he sees her? Do they share a special bond? Are they overly playful with each other? How do they look at each other when they're together?

I'd be wary of how far his white lies stretch and whether they really are for your benefit or his. Beware.

vikingwife · 02/08/2020 03:30

Judging by his reaction this is not the relationship for you. You might have trust issues but also not everyone has female friends they have slept with still in their friendship circle, for me a friend is a friend. I don’t shag my friends. You say they only hadn’t had sex for four weeks prior till you guys got together.... it’s all a bit messy. I wouldn’t be ok with this & there will be someone out there with a more anxious attachment style who will be more well suited to you. When it feels right you will trust.

I don’t think you sounded controlling because it wasn’t like you tried to forbid him seeing her. I agree with a PP that a more stand up bloke would have invited you along & wanted you to see you have nothing to worry about. He could have included you & at the very least he didn’t have to lie. It shows he will lie to take the easy way out.

You will always be looking over your shoulder with this one, I feel...

stellabelle · 02/08/2020 03:43

I can say that I don't think he has cheated, or wants to cheat, but there is obviously some sort of drive to see eachother 1-1?

That "drive" is his sex drive. They were FWB before and my educated guess is that they are FWB now.

custardbear · 02/08/2020 03:57

So he's saying

You were in the wrong
Things have t been that good between you and him
Now he's seen his ex FWB ... why? Because things aren't good?
Sounds fishy to me - sorry OP

category12 · 02/08/2020 07:38

If there was nothing in it, why would he need to justify seeing her by saying things weren't good between you? He'd just see her because they're friends.

Newmum2018aug · 02/08/2020 07:56

People are saying youre being controlling, i dont agree. Its not a normal thing to be ok with your other half meeting up alone with someone they have slept with. I am sure he wouldnt be ok if you did it, he knows its wrong thats why he lied. Do not let him shift blame back on to you. Its extremely weird and for him to lie about it tells me there is more going on here. If he thought what he did was perfectly fine in his head why would he not just tell you?
He is basically risking things with you for this other girl, you need to open your eyes and see this for what it is. Even if they arent up to anything he clearly values things with her more to risk the trust with you.
Sorry to be blunt but i just think theres a lot of excuses going on here.

madcatladyforever · 02/08/2020 08:00

You looked on his phone because deep down you don't trust him.
Your gut is telling you he can't be trusted.
Trust yourself.
I've been called mad, insane, stupid for trusting my gut but I've always been right.

Original poster
RosieAnne123 · 02/08/2020 08:03

@Delbelleber

I think you have contraindicated yourself by saying he don't think he would cheat but you can't trust him now. Why can you not trust him if you believe he won't cheat? Personally I think he's a cheating prick.
I can't trust him because he has hid this from me, rather than be honest and tell me. He has been sneaky about it knowing I wouldn't find out. I understand that I am insecure, and he probably just wanted an easy life so chose what was easier in the short term. But he doesn't seem to understand how much more detrimental it is to hide things from me. He doesn't see anything wrong in what he has done and feels justified in it because I am "too insecure". I know I am insecure, I know the jealousy and paranoia is my issue, but he isn't helping matters at all.

He has been giving me silent treatment and saying I should be the one grovelling for forgiveness. I wish we didnt live together. I would be breaking up with him if we lived separately. I feel trapped and I feel heartbroken.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/08/2020 08:09

If you would be breaking up with him if you didn't live together, that's more reason to break up now.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're too committed to split up - so what, you're just going to put up with this and get further and further down the track with someone you can't/don't trust?! Don't you see how crazy that is?

Yes it's going to be difficult and painful, but the alternative is so much worse in the long run.

category12 · 02/08/2020 08:10

Also, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

Delbelleber · 02/08/2020 08:12

I understand what you mean.. My ex had a secret online friend which was hard to get over because why had he not just told me about her if there was nothing to hide. There's always the niggle of mistrust after that.
However your guy secretly met someone he was shagging and that is even worse.
I think you should leave him before he really breaks your heart if he hasn't already.

vikingwife · 02/08/2020 08:17

Pack a bag & go to your parents, or a friends. Leave, now. The silent treatment + what has happened are huge red flags. Get out love, he’s a fuckwit.

Fleamaker123 · 02/08/2020 08:36

Wow are people really fine with this... Can't ever imagine my partner going off secretly meeting an ex! Why would he even do that??
Massively disrespectful and inappropriate.
I don't know anyone who meets up with someone they used to sleep with! It's just not done, out of respect and commitment to their current partner surely. But looks like I'm in the minority, I'll accept that.

category12 · 02/08/2020 08:39

Nah, there was just a bit of competitive cool girlfriending going on with earlier posts, imo.

TatianaBis · 02/08/2020 08:51

I would be breaking up with him if we lived separately. I feel trapped and I feel heartbroken.

You should be breaking up with him even if you do live together. Can’t you just find somewhere to rent short term?

Sleepsoon7 · 02/08/2020 08:52

Leave him now. Trust your gut. He will keep doing it. He has lied to you about something fundamental - about seeing another woman. He will never admit anything he doesn’t have to. The silent treatment is a way to control you and enable him to carry on regardless. Look up gaslighting. Sorry - been there myself.

VinylDetective · 02/08/2020 08:52

@category12

Nah, there was just a bit of competitive cool girlfriending going on with earlier posts, imo.
I don’t think there was at all. There were a lot of people who said that meeting someone you’ve previously had sex with is absolutely fine and they wouldn’t have a problem with it.

This situation would never arise for us because our partner would just tell us and we’d send them off with our blessing.

TatianaBis · 02/08/2020 08:58

There were a lot of people who said that meeting someone you’ve previously had sex with is absolutely fine and they wouldn’t have a problem with it.

It depends entirely on the motive and the details not on the fact they’ve had sex in the past.

Would these cool girlfriends be cool with their partner meeting up with an ex shag and lying about it because their relationship was going badly and he was lining the ex up to jump ship? Probably not.

This situation would never arise for us because our partner would just tell us and we’d send them off with our blessing.

Which is not the situation OP is in.

Newmum2018aug · 02/08/2020 09:04

RosieAnn123 your whole last message sounded like you were blaming yourself for being too insecure and jealous etc etc. Please stop, most girls would not be ok with what he did. Even if my partner told me he was going to meet an ex he had slept with alone i wouldnt be ok with it. I dont have trust issues its more a respect thing. The fact he lied about it makes it even worse, its not about him having an easy life he lied because he knew it was wrong. If he was genuine he could have even invited you along. More to the point if was this great friend like he says she should want to meet you and would suggest doing so.
The whole thing just rings massive alarm bells and hes trying to make it seem like its all fine and its you being crazy. Its not, get out now whilst you still can.

VinylDetective · 02/08/2020 09:06

Would these cool girlfriends be cool with their partner meeting up with an ex shag and lying about it because their relationship was going badly and he was lining the ex up to jump ship?

Is that why he hasn’t told her or is it because he knew she’d kick off? Either way, it looks as if he’ll be able to do whatever he likes soon, there doesn’t appear to be much mileage in them staying together.

emilybrontescorsett · 02/08/2020 09:10

No this would not be for me. He is in the wrong.

category12 · 02/08/2020 09:12

If you're in a relationship where you're lying to your partner in order to avoid them kicking off, you need to stop short and either work through the issues together or break up.

I can't understand the people giving him a pass for lying & deceiving, in order to stick the boot in to someone who has admitted her faults but is trying to manage them.

KeepingPlain · 02/08/2020 09:15

He shouldn't have lied at all, and it's a bit weird that he's wanting to suddenly meet up with her when they've never done that in the past. He's either wanting to shag her again behind ops back, or lining someone else up in case op dumps him.

It's highly weird to just suddenly need to see someone you used to shag when you never did before. Why the sudden need? Catching up could be fine by text or in the usual group, why suddenly 1-1?

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