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Original poster

Looked on my partners phone... am I justified in being upset?

217 replies

RosieAnne123 · 01/08/2020 14:40

Firstly, I am not proud of myself at all for looking on my partners phone. I know it is a horrible thing to do and a complete breach of trust and privacy.

There has been a longstanding issue throughout mine and my partners relationship. My partner is friends with their ex "friend with benefits", naturally this has made me feel a bit weird and insecure at times as they stopped seeing eachother literally a month before we started dating, so I always felt their "relationship" was very fresh, and I felt worried. This is my problem and I know that.

I struggle with insecurity and paranoia because of a previous boyfriend cheating on me, and this is something I am in therapy for because it really really affected me.

My partner knows how important trust and honesty is to me. Because of my insecurities my partner has told "white lies" before about things pr tried to hide things because of not wanting to deal with my anxious reaction.

Whether this is right or wrong, I feel uncomfortable about my partner meeting up with his ex 1-1 right now. I want to get to a place I'm okay with it, but right now I am not. I am more than happy for my partner to see her in group settings.

I looked on my partners phone because I saw that she had text him. I know I shouldnt have but I did. The text was asking to meet up next weekend. I scrolled up in the conversation and I saw that they had met up just the 2 of them a few weeks ago. My partner said he was seeing her but as a group of friends. Never said just the 2 of them. I feel betrayed and lied to.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 10:20

Why does he need to go for a walk with her for? I dont get it? Doesnt he have any other friends?

Also this!

XiCi · 02/08/2020 10:26

The way he is speaking to you is disgusting.

You need to do a better apology So he wants you grovelling and crying on your knees for forgiveness when he is the one lying to you and meeting up with an ex behind your back? He sounds vile. You've only been together less than a year, hardly time to know him at all. I would have been out of the door as soon as the gas lighting shit and silent treatment started to be honest. You dont have to be stuck with him because you have moved in together. Do you rent? Who's name is on the tenancy? Is there anywhere else you can stay?

BuffaloMozzerella · 02/08/2020 10:30

No no no OP. You have to be strong here or you are going to get cornered into agreeing to an arrangement which will make you feel even more anxious and worried.

He is on the defence because he has been caught in a lie and doing something which would hurt you and totally undermining your trust. He has deliberately done that. Can you get your head around that for a minute - he has deliberately set out to deceive you hoping you wouldn't find out. This is not a good character trait. And she now knows he's willing to meet her on the sly.

It doesn't matter if you are 'insecure' - we all are about something or other in the right set of circumstances. He is choosing to have a relationship with you, and not seeing her except in a group setting were the terms of your relationship. He has broken that.

I'm sorry but this current situation of him blaming you and you feeling bad but still very anxious about it, has the potential to make you very unhappy. I would be realistic with what you can handle, and there is no shame in not being able to handle this. Yes we would all love to be cool girls but we also need to acknowledge our limits. I would be telling him I need to few days to assess the relationship as it's no longer in the terms you believed it to be.

TheBlueStocking · 02/08/2020 10:30

I think possibly you may have to look at this at you both having betrayed each other's trust. He trusted you not to look through his private messages, which you seem to know is really not cool. And you trusted him to keep you informed of informed of where and who is was with.

It's pretty unhealthy on both sides.

I think if he wants you to trust him, he has to tell you the full extent of his friendship with this girl. But I think you also have to trust him that it is just a friendship. It sounds like you don't have any doubt that he has cheated on you, so it seems you do trust him really, when it comes to it.

If you can't get this mutual trust back, it may be time to break up.

Newmum2018aug · 02/08/2020 10:31

@XiCi

The way he is speaking to you is disgusting. You need to do a better apology So he wants you grovelling and crying on your knees for forgiveness when he is the one lying to you and meeting up with an ex behind your back? He sounds vile. You've only been together less than a year, hardly time to know him at all. I would have been out of the door as soon as the gas lighting shit and silent treatment started to be honest. You dont have to be stuck with him because you have moved in together. Do you rent? Who's name is on the tenancy? Is there anywhere else you can stay?
This! Hes making you apologise for finding out his lies. It's so manipulative!
LemonTT · 02/08/2020 10:38

Your choice is to accept the friendship or you act on your boundaries and leave.

What you seem to want is that he resets to the point before you found out he was lying. By giving you false assurances that he has learnt his lesson and will never do it again. His first, and probably gut reaction, is to tell you he wants the friendship on his terms.

Maybe he will back down and tell you what you want to here. But he wants the friendship and he is willing to lie to keep it. All that happens now is he becomes more secretive about it. And she will become forbidden fruit.

FourPlasticRings · 02/08/2020 10:38

I’m not a supporter of “I’m mentally ill so you need to do exactly what I want”

For me, this is a large part of this puzzle. You're both at fault here- he should have made it clear that he would never abide by your rules when you initially requested that they never spend time alone together, even if that would have ended your relationship before it began.

However, you shouldn't have realistically made the request and definitely should not have invaded the privacy of your partner. Ultimately, you've gone from a situation where one person has trust issues based on past relationships outside of their partner's control to a situation where both people have trust issues that are based in the current relationship. I think this was doomed from the start tbh- I'd break it off now.

Original poster
RosieAnne123 · 02/08/2020 10:42

Perhaps it is all my fault. If I had never had a problem with it, we could have all met up and hung out. He never would of had be secretive or worried about it. If I was secure in myself and secure in our relationship this wouldn't have happened :(

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 02/08/2020 10:43

From his reaction it turns out he’s an arrogant twat to boot.

I’m sure you can do better OP.

LemonTT · 02/08/2020 10:49

@RosieAnne123

Perhaps it is all my fault. If I had never had a problem with it, we could have all met up and hung out. He never would of had be secretive or worried about it. If I was secure in myself and secure in our relationship this wouldn't have happened :(
The fact is you are the person you are. He knows you aren’t an independent cool girl. There’s no point pretending to be something you aren’t.

Sure there are things you can work on. But he isn’t the right companion for that journey. He’s going to make you less not more.

FourPlasticRings · 02/08/2020 10:51

Perhaps it is all my fault.

I wouldn't say that- he shouldn't have made promises he knew he wouldn't keep. But it may be worth going to some sort of counselling to help you deal with your insecurities before embarking on another relationship.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 02/08/2020 10:51

You need to be on your own for a while. Moving on from an abusive relationship is hard and it seems you have ended up in another one. He may not be your ex but he knows you are insecure and were affected by the past , you made it clear you had issues with his ex and instead of making you feel like a Princess you have spent your entire relationship with this ex being an issue and now he is sneaking around meeting her behind your back. Time to move on

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 10:51

He's got you right where he wants you now, hasn't he? He can do what the fuck he likes, lie about it, give you the silent treatment, and make it ALL YOUR FAULT.

VinylDetective · 02/08/2020 11:02

There doesn’t seem to be any coming back from this really. Neither of you trusts the other, neither of you thinks the other’s been reasonable. You’re on such different pages you’re barely in the same book. It sounds as if it’s time to call it a day.

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 02/08/2020 11:29

Perhaps it is all my fault. If I had never had a problem with it, we could have all met up and hung out. He never would of had be secretive or worried about it. If I was secure in myself and secure in our relationship this wouldn't have happened sad

If you were secure in yourself it wouldn't have made a blind difference. Dont you see? If he wanted you all to meet up together he wouldve arranged it. He doesnt. He wants to keep her separate from you. He wants to see her on his own. You not there.

You're insecurities had NOTHING to do with HOW he chose to spend time with this woman.

In fact, it wouldve been better for him if you weren't insecure. If you were an independent strong secure woman, you would never have checked his phone and he wouldve gotten away with his secret meet ups with her.

THAT is why he is angry at you being insecure. Because it led him to being caught.

You suffered badly from a bad relationship. I dont think it made you insecure. I think it made you AWARE of red flags. And seeing them in your DP made you check his phone. AND YOU WERE RIGHT.

As pp's have all said. Do not doubt yourself. Do not make excuses for him. And do not let him bully you into believing his twisted excuses. You need to be angry with him, very angry. He went behind your back to see his f**k buddy and lied to you about it. If he lied about that he probably lied about where they walk to...

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 02/08/2020 11:30

*walked

VinylDetective · 02/08/2020 11:33

If you were an independent strong secure woman, you would never have checked his phone and he wouldve gotten away with his secret meet ups with her

An independent strong woman wouldn’t have vetoed him seeing her and the meetings wouldn’t have needed to be secret.

WinnieLo · 02/08/2020 11:39

A strong independent woman might just as likely have thought, hmm, you want to meet up with a kind of x, on your own, just the two of you? And even though I've told you I don't like that idea, you want to do it anyway? That's not for me, sorry, best of luck out there, take care

TheStuffedPenguin · 02/08/2020 11:44

@RosieAnne123

We have been together over a year though so surely if he wanted her he would have done something by now. It isn't even the fact he saw her, it is that he didnt tell me. We could have spoken about it. Found a way to manage it, like a PP said about knowing what time he is going, when will be home, a few texts to check in etc
NO NO NO you shouldn't have to 'manage" this situation . Find someone who has similar values about love and responsibility . He's a manipulative cock!
TheStuffedPenguin · 02/08/2020 11:45

@WinnieLo

A strong independent woman might just as likely have thought, hmm, you want to meet up with a kind of x, on your own, just the two of you? And even though I've told you I don't like that idea, you want to do it anyway? That's not for me, sorry, best of luck out there, take care
Totally agree !
vikingwife · 02/08/2020 11:48

@TheStuffedPenguin exactly - cue Destiny’s Child “to the left to the left” or “survivor” etc.

vikingwife · 02/08/2020 11:51

Apologies “to the left” song is just Beyoncé but you know what I mean. Someone with a stronger sense of self & worth would arguably have broken up with him when advising of the messages found. She wouldn’t be sat there allowing herself to cop the silent treatment after being lied to & sneaking around behind her back after agreeing not to do something.

If something is your hard “no” / dealbreaker then if the line is crossed, it means *the deal is broken” so the relationship is over.

How will anyone respect you if you don’t respect yourself ? This guy now knows this his girlfriend is basically desperate & will stay with him. He has her wrapped around his finger now & he knows it, or he wouldn’t have pulled this silent treatment.

Original poster
RosieAnne123 · 02/08/2020 11:53

Also yesterday before this happened, something very small happened that made me question myself.

We were sat on the sofa and I went to get up, and I said happily "I'm gonna have a slice of the leftover cake", and he just replied "good for you". Am I over sensitive in finding this an odd reply? Like I would only use that if I was being passive aggressive or snarky with someone. When I questioned him asking what he meant by that, he then got annoyed with me, saying "you are upset over that? Really? It didnt even mean anything, I was just saying good for you" but to me it just seemed odd!

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieAnne123 · 02/08/2020 11:54

Not really a big thing about the cake, but I'm constantly questioning whether my feelings and reactions are justified or proportionate and I feel like I can't trust myself

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 02/08/2020 11:56

It's sarcasm . He's a pig and annoyed he has been busted.