I want it. He's not ready. What happens now?

[JhG1891]

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years, we've always had such a great relationship and most days feel like we're still loved up and in the honeymoon stage still.. but we're not and it's been four years. The thing is I'm nearing 30 and really want to start having children and making a family and he tells me that's what he wants too, problem is he says he doesn't want it yet (he gets anxious and I think he's scared that everything will change and he wants us to be as prepared as we can) but for me I've waited a long time and I'm getting older.. my ticking clock is getting louder. I don't want us to throw away what we have but I'm getting impatient and I don't want to wake up one day and realise 4 more years has passed and I may have missed my chance. We've talked about this at length many times recently but it never changes. I want it now. He's not ready yet.

walk away.... your biological clock is outwith your control OP... but leaving someone who is not ready.. is not...

He has the luxury of time. As a woman you’re on a schedule and he needs to get on board with that. If he doesn’t commit to starting a family with you soon, you have to start considering whether you can sacrifice ever being a mother for him.

Because if it’s a deal breaker and you have to move on to meet someone who will commit to having a child with you, it could take a year or more to meet someone new, a year or two to settle into a relationship, could be another year of trying and before you know it you’re 35 before you’ve had your first baby.

If you want two or three then you’re getting into your 40s by the time the last one is born.

He needs to understand those timescales and the relevant risks for an older mum.

We are so afraid of pushing, asking for what we need and want, that too many women let the relationship drift on, waiting and hoping, only to find out when they go their separate ways that this boyfriend who wouldn’t commit, suddenly meets the love of his life straight afterwards and is married with a kid within a year. Don’t waste too much time on someone who isn’t on the same page as you, because generally speaking, it’s not that they aren’t ready for marriage or a baby, it’s that they aren’t ready for it WITH YOU. Which is a shitty thing to have to accept but will save you years of heartache if it’s acknowledged sooner rather than later

It's a classic. You don't want to be that woman that hangs on and hangs on waiting for him to be ready, but ends up without a relationship and without a child. Next thing you hear he has a new woman and a new baby. Read it on here all the time.

I think it might be time for me to walk away too.. like I said we've talked about this so much especially recently and we've both cried and been very upset about it all but it made me realise if he can get that upset about losing me and still not want to make that commitment to keep me, then I feel like I'm waiting for nothing. It's just so hard to let go, he's the love of my life, he means the world to me but I'm never going to change my mind 😢

I'd walk, or have my eggs frozen. Life goes by very quickly. Do not use up your fertile years waiting for one particular man, out of a choice of 3.5 billion, to want what you want.

When they say they're not ready for marriage and babies, they mean with you. These men always seem to find themselves quickly married to someone else.

Leave. I stayed in a relationship like this for seven years. Even when he proposed it felt like it was to keep me quiet for a while with no intentions of actually getting married or having children.

Realistically, you’re still pretty young in terms of having children. Having said that, if someone is 30 and still not ready/willing to commit after 4 years together, they probably never will. I’d just move on with my life.

When they say they're not ready for marriage and babies, they mean with you. These men always seem to find themselves quickly married to someone else.

I'm afraid to say I agree with this.

Same as @Neolara.

You're girlfriend material not wife material. Sorry.

I'd walk.

If you're living together. end that.

Tell him you're done.

You obviously want different things in life.

It’s shit OP

Having a baby is the best thing ever. Doing it with someone who wants it as much as you do, who enthusiastically wants to create a new life with you, to nurture and cherish it as a team, is wonderful and it’s something you can still have. Sadly not with him, but you can meet someone amazing and have the life you want.

I would walk away , I’m no expert in relationships but I have to agree with the person that said he could settle down with someone else
My granny used say “ set him free , if he is yours he will come back to you , if he doesn’t he was never yours to begin with “

How old is he? Have you got reasonably secure jobs and have you bought a house together. Not saying that's essential but why isn't he ready.

So il be 30 next year and he is 28.. we live together and have done for 2 1/2 years. we went through a miscarriage 3years ago and even though it wasn't planned we were both devastated. We managed long distance for a year, only seeing each other one or twice a month. We've been through a lot together and I don't wanna throw it all away because I see my life with him and he's always said he sees his with me. He can be a little socially awkward and I feel he's possibly on the spectrum and so struggles with change and new situations/people etc but he is such a lovely, sweet and genuine guy.. and we agree on everything.... except this! It's so frustrating, I just want him to grow up

Well, wanting a child isn’t a sign of being ‘grown up’, it’s just wanting a child. He may never want one. This doesn’t mean he remains a boy, it just means he doesn’t want what you want.

I disagree with @MikeUniformMike when she says
You're girlfriend material not wife material. Sorry

OP- remember you’re most definitely wife material (even if your DP doesn’t realise this or doesn’t feel ready for commitment).

Has he proposed?

I know it's not the be all and end all but if he really sees a future with you and children he would have.

Probably a v un-pc thing to say on here but what I mean is that with no other outward signs of lifelong commitment, if he hasn't done that then I think your relationship has possibly run its course.

He's not ready.

Urgh, strike-out fail. But you know what I mean.

I think some of these responses are harsh. You are both younger than many people to have kids, and if he’s not ready, that’s ok! His wishes are every bit as important as yours. You’re saying you’re sad that after 4 years you’re upset he won’t commit by doing what you want - what about your respect for what he wants? Neither of you is wrong, you just want different things. What you need to decide for yourself is how long you are prepared to wait. If you really love him I’m surprised that you wouldn’t give him some more time, if he’s indicating that he wants kids at some point. If it’s a never ever situation then that’s a deal breaker.

DH told me he wasn’t ready for marriage and the proposed when he was. I was ready after 2 years and he was ready after 5.

28 is still young and I can see why he may not feel ready yet. It doesn’t mean you’re not meant to be together but equally if you value a baby more than a relationship with him, and you suspect he may never want one, then that’s a set answer. You can’t force him to be ready any sooner but I think you need to make sure you have a conversation where it’s ok for him to say if he doesn’t want one and doesn’t just say I don’t want one yet to keep you happy.

Neither of you are in the wrong here and if I’m honest, if you have a good team mate in a relationship, it’s very valuable.

But saying not now is no guarantee that he doesn’t want to with you.

Harsh? Maybe, but 30 is not young to be wanting to start a family.
I can think of plenty of women who have been in relationship of several years only to break it off because he doesn't want children, and often he'll meet someone else pretty quickly and settle down.

Cut your losses.

Actually, I think 28 is still quite young in male terms, has he got an established career even? Have you got somewhere secure to live and sufficient income to have a baby?If he says he's not ready yet, could it be because those things are not sorted yet?
You say you think he might be on the spectrum and struggles with change - in which case is it worth setting out a timeline - along the lines of saving £x per month, moving into your own flat by x date, getting married or CP'd by x date, ttc by xdate?
Or give him a date by which time if he hasn't agreed then you are leaving.
But if you want to have a baby, you will need to sort out the practical issues first anyway.

Don't waste your best years waiting. I waited , far too long, finally realised it wasn't ever going to happen and left him. Then was 37 when I finally met my now husband who is the best man ever. We ended up having to have fertility treatment to get pregnant, and were incredibly lucky to have 2 beautiful children this way. But, it could have been so different if it hadn't worked and we needed to do it again and again. I would ha e run out of time. As it was I had my youngest at 41. If I had been 10 years younger I probably would have had a third. It's hard being an older mum sometimes, and when I think of the future, I will probably be an ancient granny! We also had to power through out relationship, there was no time to spend 4-5 years enjoying just each other and married life before we thought about kids, it was met, married, tried to get pregnant, failed, get help, have baby, have another. Boom!

My DH is a few years younger than me and wasnt sure about kids for a few years. Said he thought he would be but wouldn't guarantee so as to be fair and open as possible with me. I believed him. Then he was ready. I was a fair bit older than you.
28 and 30 is fairly young these days?
What sort of timescale is he saying?
If you dont think he's stringing you along I feel like you could afford to wait a bit longer?