I want it. He's not ready. What happens now?

[JhG1891]

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years, we've always had such a great relationship and most days feel like we're still loved up and in the honeymoon stage still.. but we're not and it's been four years. The thing is I'm nearing 30 and really want to start having children and making a family and he tells me that's what he wants too, problem is he says he doesn't want it yet (he gets anxious and I think he's scared that everything will change and he wants us to be as prepared as we can) but for me I've waited a long time and I'm getting older.. my ticking clock is getting louder. I don't want us to throw away what we have but I'm getting impatient and I don't want to wake up one day and realise 4 more years has passed and I may have missed my chance. We've talked about this at length many times recently but it never changes. I want it now. He's not ready yet.

@Enquirer20

I assume the pp meant marriage was important for the children for reasons of future financial protection in case the relationship breaks down. Not because it matters to the kids whether or not their parents are married.

@Sssloou

It’s really sad that he can’t or won’t give you any hope for your utter devastation.

Think about that.

What is your last deadline to TTC?

What support do you want from
MN. Many have seen this situation time and time again. They are sharing their EXPERIENCE not their judgement.

You situation might be different (let’s hope it is) - but your devastation is with HIM not with MN.

No man is worth giving up being a mother for IMHO.

If you wait too long and there are issues the resentment and contempt will likely pollute the relationship over time and then you will have neither a child or partner.

Maybe couples counselling?

What are his parents like? Was his upbringing complicated? Do like you?

Neither of us are keen on marriage as we both come from divorced parents and as much as we see the benefit of marriage for us we see some of the negative and given we both have divorced parents we are sceptical about marriage and our first initial experience of it hasn't been good. His parents have also remarried other people and one has divorced again recently so for the marriage side of things we don't have a lot of confidence in it and we both agree on that

My partner and I don’t really believe in marriage either OP, but we did it anyway to protect our financial contributions to the relationship. Getting married for financial reasons is actually far more traditional than doing it for romantic ideas about eternal, undying love.

I think it's easy for to advocate marriage when you have come from happy marriages (both mine and dh). But then the issue wasnt that they got married, it was that they broke up. And marriage just made that more obvious and difficult right?
If you were committed and had children and didnt break up, surely marriage is great? I dont know, it sounds like there may be more issues at play. If you suggested therapy would he be up for it? Is he fighting to save you? That's the answer really.

Neither of us are keen on marriage as we both come from divorced parents and as much as we see the benefit of marriage for us we see some of the negative and given we both have divorced parents we are sceptical about marriage and our first initial experience of it hasn't been good. His parents have also remarried other people and one has divorced again recently so for the marriage side of things we don't have a lot of confidence in it and we both agree on that - and that is EXACTLY why marriage protects you as a woman with children. You've literally just argued for it. If you don't marry and have children, you have no rights, and nor do your kids. Not the ones that will save you in that situation.

TBH I think that 28 for a guy is still quite young.You have time on your side ATM .Maybe see how the land lies in a year or so ?If he really doesnt want to lose you he may come round to the idea.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Which bit of marriage are you sceptical about that doesn't also apply to cohabiting?

One thing that you might want to consider is what if you had a child with him but then you died? Unpleasant to think about, but it does happen. Would you want your child to be brought up solely by him or his family, with no input from yours?
Or what if he was very ill - you wouldn't be his next of kin.

Having divorced parents is a ridiculous excuse for not getting married.

Not least because as a pp says this is exactly one reason WHY marriage is important - because if you split you will be glad of the legal and financial protections.

Marriage isn't what leads to divorce/separation in fact couples who aren't married are MORE likely to separate not less.

Marriage means IF you split you're protected.

If I'd not been married to ex we wouldn't have stayed together (he cheated!) but I would have been much worse off following the split.

I've seen the effects of not being married not only in the event of separation but worst when the man has died and the family had to move out of the family home (was in his name) and the mum had to go back to work full time in the immediate aftermath when they were all still grieving a shocking and premature loss.

It can make things incredibly difficult in dealings with the govt from child maintenance to medical emergencies.

Next of kin isn't a legal "thing" but quite honestly (I'm an ex nurse) when there is conflict over treatment of an incapacitated even unconscious patient, medical staff in order to cover their own arses will go with the wishes of the person with a defined legal connection to the patient.

@Haffiana

And this is both utter rubbish and rude to parents who don’t happen to be married. Children want two loving co-parents, that’s it.

So, you are happy that people on this board do not get good advice as long as you don't feel that you have been insulted?

Is there any other way you would like this thread to revolve around you and not the OP?

I don’t recall saying anything about me. I’m merely saying that unmarried parents can also provide financially and legally for their children, even in the event of separation. I don’t feel it’s really fair to make the OP feel guilty for ‘disadvantaging’ potential children if she chooses to remain unmarried.

I also think that if you are happy with this guy then its hard to "walk away" really! For people saying there are millions of men around ,you need to have some kind of a connection! Also many thousands of them are already spoken for!

What is your last deadline to TTC with him?

Would you then move on to try to find another partner to build a family with or would you stay with him childless?

@Sssloou

What is your last deadline to TTC with him?

Would you then move on to try to find another partner to build a family with or would you stay with him childless?

And if so, making the decision to stay childless, how angry would you be if when he hits 45 he leaves you, gets married and has a child within a couple of years? Would you feel he was still worth it?

Marriage doesn't promise you WON'T split up, it just protects you, if you do.

Many women have children in their 40s - especially these days - also you can have eggs frozen.

I know too many couples who have waited and waited to start a family - generally at the mans behest - only to find that when they do start trying they have problems and don’t qualify for NHS Ivf as too old. Ivf is also much less likely to succeed/you are much more likely to miscarry as you get older. It’s not fair. But it’s the way it is and we are forced to make a decision about having children much earlier than men - unfortunately a lot of men just can’t empathise.

You need to lay your cards on the table and if he still wants to wait maybe he’s not the right guy for you.

And a sign he's really serious. Not the proposing but going through with it.

I wouldn’t have wanted a baby at 28, or 30 really! Nothing to do with the partner I was with, I just wasn’t ready to give up all of my freedom. If he wants them in a couple of years then I’d wait personally, if he is the person for you long term.

I often wonder if female fertility was moved to the 60+ years when people have more knowledge about life whether the human race would have made it this far. From my experience most men are indifferent about kids but go along with the baby fever driven female due to societal conditioning and to keep the woman happy then regret it in later life but by then it’s too late and another couple of unhappy humans are just grinding their lives out.

OP I'm sorry that your hurting and frustrated ..
I know your 30 but your not old for kids and yes biological clock ticks but you still have easy 10 years of child bearing to go, unless their is a history of early menopause in your family?

He is only 28! That's young especially for a man, trust me OP my son's father was 8 years older than me and we had our first when I was 32!

From what you've said he does want children just not yet? Had he given you a time scale of possibly when?

Yes I agree definitely think about yourself but on the flip, you could split up, be single what a year? Meet someone else, and not necessarily feel ready for a baby because you don't know each other well enough yet? You could potentially be 33 before having a baby with a new partner, would u rather do that than give your current partner some more time who you think is wonderful on every other way?

There are lots of scenarios that 'could' happen here. I think if he's not even willing to give u a time frame them I would suggest moving on but I'd he's telling you babe wait a year I want kids with you then I would say that's also a bit inconsiderate of his feelings and wants?

If you both want totally different things then yeah you should both move on?

"Do you want ice cream?'
'Yes, at some indeterminate point in the future'
'But the ice cream van is here, and it could leave at any minute!'
'Yeah, but I'm not quite ready for ice cream'
'But of the ice cream van goes. we might not be able to have ice cream!'
'Yeah, but I'm not quite ready for ice cream.

OP, he doesn't want ice cream

With you.

Many women have children in their 40s I really strongly feel this is a dangerous message that required context.

It is MUCH harder to get pregnant after 35 let alone 40.

And even if you do get pregnant you're at a considerably higher risk for mc, premature and stillbirth, pregnancy complications that put the mothers life and future health at serious risk, the child having an illness/disability - which as a pp pointed out may already be a risk for op.

There's also the fact, as I'm sure as someone who works in childcare op already knows, caring for babies and young children is KNACKERING!

I'm an ex childminder and nanny myself and had dd when I was 28 and I definitely needed the energy I had back then.

The thought of doing broken nights, running around after a toddler, teething, weaning etc in my 40's is exhausting just to think about!!

Out of my friends and family the ones who waited to have dc in their late 30's and 40's while they didn't regret having their children the vast majority wished they'd done it when they were younger.

While societally/culturally it may be more popular the biology has not changed that much from my generation and older evolution takes more than a few decades.

And freezing eggs is by no means a guarantee either, conceiving naturally is generally more likely.

I know too many couples who have waited and waited to start a family - generally at the mans behest - only to find that when they do start trying they have problems and don’t qualify for NHS Ivf as too old. Ivf is also much less likely to succeed/you are much more likely to miscarry as you get older. I have this experience also, I know one mother and daughter the mother had said to the daughter to ttc sooner rather than later as gynae issues in family, daughter ignored and had great difficulty conceiving, had several mc and eventually had her son at 43. Unable to have any more which she wanted to.

you still have easy 10 years of child bearing to go, unless their is a history of early menopause in your family?

There speaks someone with VERY little knowledge or experience with regard to conception and pregnancy & birth.

Early menopause is but ONE factor. There are literally thousands of others.

Agree with the ice cream analogy too I'm afraid.

This is a really interesting article about women's fertility, with the actual facts laid out, rather than anecdotes. Well worth a read all the way through.

He’s still quite young, pressure is on us woman as we feel our biological clocks ticking as the years roll on.

As a mother of two I wanted to reply to you to let you know that parenthood isn’t easy, having a baby isn’t easy. There’s a lot of sacrifices to be made, it’s a testing time for any relationship. All worth it of course but some people struggle more than others.

If he’s hesitant, willing to lose you possibly over this, displaying anxieties etc, then he really must feel a certain way. Is he scared that it will break you as a couple?

It sounds like you have a happy relationship together. He doesnt want kids now but if you both love each other I think he would be worth holding on for. A lot of people are having healthy pregnancies later now.

*Many women have children in their 40s I really strongly feel this is a dangerous message that required context.

It is MUCH harder to get pregnant after 35 let alone 40*

Much as this is a valid view, as a 36 year old who only met my "forever" guy two years ago please do not be cut and dried about fertility....