I want it. He's not ready. What happens now?

[JhG1891]

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years, we've always had such a great relationship and most days feel like we're still loved up and in the honeymoon stage still.. but we're not and it's been four years. The thing is I'm nearing 30 and really want to start having children and making a family and he tells me that's what he wants too, problem is he says he doesn't want it yet (he gets anxious and I think he's scared that everything will change and he wants us to be as prepared as we can) but for me I've waited a long time and I'm getting older.. my ticking clock is getting louder. I don't want us to throw away what we have but I'm getting impatient and I don't want to wake up one day and realise 4 more years has passed and I may have missed my chance. We've talked about this at length many times recently but it never changes. I want it now. He's not ready yet.

There must be some middle ground between handing out ultimatums and just hanging around "a few years" hoping he will change his mind!

Plus if he's on the spectrum and struggles with change it might be more beneficial to get your figures set down in paper vs an emotionally charged conversation. If you can demonstrate your incomings/outgoings, what your maternity package from work offers, affordability of local childcare, projection of costs to cover income/expenditure. All of that might seem completely nuts! But if that's the way his mind works it might actually be very beneficial for him to see you won't just be winging it financially together by the seat of your pants. Question - how did you both come to the agreement to move in together? Because that's a massive change! And how did he cope in the discussions leading up to that?

Jeez Louise! I've read the first, second and last post on this and I'm alarmed!

You're only nearing thirty FGS!!

I think it's perfectly normal for someone at your age to want to wait a bit before trying to start a family, for economic reasons etc.

For those same reasons I conceived my first child at 39 and my second aged 42. It was the best decision me and my DH have made.

Don't give up on this guy.

When they say they're not ready for marriage and babies, they mean with you. These men always seem to find themselves quickly married to someone else.

^ This is exactly what happened to me. I wish I’d left my ex sooner.

Really he is only 28 you 29 there is no rush unless you want 10 kids step one would be yo live together maybe get married if you both want to before even thinking about kids if you can't live together its pointless having a family together

@JhG1891

So il be 30 next year and he is 28.. we live together and have done for 2 1/2 years. we went through a miscarriage 3years ago and even though it wasn't planned we were both devastated. We managed long distance for a year, only seeing each other one or twice a month. We've been through a lot together and I don't wanna throw it all away because I see my life with him and he's always said he sees his with me. He can be a little socially awkward and I feel he's possibly on the spectrum and so struggles with change and new situations/people etc but he is such a lovely, sweet and genuine guy.. and we agree on everything.... except this! It's so frustrating, I just want him to grow up

Walk away, JhG. He isn't ready for a commitment yet and you are but you won't get it with him.

It's possible, if you end it, he may realise what he has lost but don't do it for that reason. Just finish.

I was in your situation and he finally agreed to start trying when I was 31. In the end, we needed IVF and didn’t have a baby until I was 34.

No chance of another for us.

Unfortunately, my DH just wasn’t ready until he was about 32-33. I waited, but I sometimes wish I’d pushed a bit harder, had the first at 28 and then had the time for a second.

@Upherefordancing I see what you're saying to OP and agree up to a point in no rush. But biologically I'd say you've been very lucky to conceive at those ages without potential medical intervention? (clearly I'm not being rude enough to expect a response to that). However, the biological reality is that although we might all live a lot longer due to modern medical intervention. But primary biological function has not changed and the number of women who have an uncomplicated 'geriatric pregnancy' is still quite low. No rudeness intended! But it is what it is.

Sorry missed the post about you living together but if he is not ready he is not ready drop the subject for a year start saving as kids are not cheap

There are a lot of these posts but usually it is from women in their mid 30's. With your partner only being 28, I don't think he is being as unreasonable as the other similar situations like this.

I think the middle ground is to insist you have a fertility check up, I think you can get them done for just a couple of hundred pounds. Check your egg reserves. Maybe he could get one too? What if it turns out he has a low sperm count and waiting until you are mid thirties presents a problem?

If everything is fine and your egg reserves were good, then I'd say I would be prepared to wait until he was 30. I would also make sure he is absolutely informed on how quickly fertility declines from mid 30's in women. My partner didn't have a clue when he kept putting us off trying for our second. Make him look at the statistics and say he needs to make a decision within a year if he will try at 30 or not. I think that is what I would do anyway.

28 is pretty young. I have several male friends who are 28 and they are like teenage kids. The idea of them marrying and having kids is ludicrous, they are not ready at all. So it might be that. You are both young and have years of childbearing ability ahead of you (whatever the Daily Mail and Kirsty Allsop may say). If he was 35 and saying this then I would have more concerns.

However, the bigger issue may be that you dont feel he is 'all in'. Maybe you both just want different things. Or you want a man who is not a 28 year old man-child, as charming as they can sometimes be.

I've said it before and been flamed but it's true...

If a man won't commit within 3 years he's usually not the right one and will never be truly committed to you.

While it's becoming more common to have babies in 30's and even 40's the fact is it's a damn sight harder after 30 and if you want more than one you need to get going!

It's not just conception it's successful and healthy pregnancy and baby that becomes increasingly less likely as we age - and not just the woman's age.

Walk away, if he's "not ready" now he likely never will be...with you

I'm afraid to say it's becoming more and more common that men are with a woman of their own age through 20's/30's, lead them on and waste their fertile years...and then bugger off in their 40's with someone 10/20 years younger and have babies with them quickly

Seen it an awful lot in real life and also on here

We are so afraid of pushing, asking for what we need and want, that too many women let the relationship drift on, waiting and hoping, only to find out when they go their separate ways that this boyfriend who wouldn’t commit, suddenly meets the love of his life straight afterwards and is married with a kid within a year

Totally agree

I was very clear with ex that I wanted to be married before dc and wanted 1st dc before 30 (I knew I had something wrong gynaecologically but at this point it was undx) not as a way to put pressure on him, was casual discussion to a point but I wasn't prepared to be led on. If I hadn't done this chances are I would have missed out on being a mum as turns out I have endo, I lost 3 before dd and her pregnancy and birth was very touch and go, result being I couldn't have any more (had wanted large family)

How do you feel when you consider the prospect of NEVER being a mother?

Even when he proposed it felt like it was to keep me quiet for a while with no intentions of actually getting married or having children yep! Seen that happen loads - I know one woman who's been "engaged" for 20 years with zero sign of an actual wedding and chances for a baby seriously low now, I'm fully expecting him to do the buggering off with a younger woman in next 5 years.

Honestly, I know it’s difficult (and may be taboo) but am unsure why you’re so keen to have a child with someone who you suspect to be undiagnosed “on the spectrum”.

There is a higher chance that 1. Your child will have SN & 2. He will struggle to cope with all the upheaval that having a baby brings & you will be doing most of the parenting.

Now don’t come at me that I’m hating on people with autism - I’m not. But you seem very focused on your goal of having a baby, without thinking about what the child may actually be like/if they will inherit SN & how well your partner will be able to cope with said child. Stress & change can really affect people differently & you say he likes order etc

You sound so hyper focused on this goal, maybe it is time to analyse whether he is indeed the right person to be a father.

Again he is only 28, “growing up” doesn’t mean wanting kids. Actually knowing you don’t want them/not ready is as much of a mature choice as deciding to have them - knowing what you want or don’t want is a good thing !

I would draw a line in the sand - give it until he is 30 & then make a pact to move on. Or if you do love him & don’t want to leave then maybe you have enough love in your life & don’t need a child ? If your relationship is amazing, that is significant.

I think you need to decide

1. How long you are willing to wait to start trying - figure out a hard deadline cutoff of how many years prepared to wait for him to be onboard

1. If having a baby with this person is actually the right decision

1. If you are prepared to face higher chance of having a child with SN & all the challenges this brings - and that if this is the case how well prepared you are to raise them alone (as a possibility)

1. If you could be happy without a child & to remain with your partner

1. If being married & the financial protections this brings is important to you

I had my first child unplanned at 28 and while I love being a mum, I could have been childfree for quite a bit longer!

This is really tough. I think the issue is that he isn't giving any timeline at all. At 28 and 30 you are both young-ish, if he was saying "OK let's get engaged now, book our wedding for the year, then TTC the year after" that would seem OK to me. But he's isn't even ready to discuss when he might be ready?

One thing that sticks out to me from the op is you saying you're still in the honeymoon phase...but you aren't. Very familiar to me as I had an ex who thought that as long as we didn't live together/marry/have kids, the honeymoon phase would last forever. But it doesn't.

@JhG1891

I think it might be time for me to walk away too.. like I said we've talked about this so much especially recently and we've both cried and been very upset about it all but it made me realise if he can get that upset about losing me and still not want to make that commitment to keep me, then I feel like I'm waiting for nothing. It's just so hard to let go, he's the love of my life, he means the world to me but I'm never going to change my mind 😢

I think this is very wise.

I've said it before and been flamed but it's true
If a man won't commit within 3 years he's usually not the right one and will never be truly committed to you

I agree with this, in the case of men late 20s and above anyway.

I hear that you love him OP. Your relationship is good. However if you want children, don't sacrifice that for him. I'd have a serious conversation with him. Sit him down and make it very clear that you love him but you want to have children and will be leaving if he is not on board within say 6 months - 1 year. Make it very clear that you won't accept any excuses or pushing back the timeframe. It's obviously his right to want what he wants but it's also yours to want what you want.

He's 28! You are both still so young. I am a similar age and we both want to be in our 30s before we begin trying for children. Why would you push him into making a decision he is not ready to make? Also, get married before even thinking about children, you must protect yourself!

We've have lived together very happily for 2 1/2 years. With me thinking he is on the spectrum, I feel he has minor traits (I've worked with SN for many years so am able to spot various traits and behaviours) he is still a very functioning and clever member of society with a great job that he works hard at. We have discussed marriage and it isn't really for us (we are not bothered by all the fuss it brings and being the centre of attention). I am not making him do anything, that's why I'm here.. he has made it clear on more than one occasion when we've spent hours talking that he'd love to have kids with me but he doesn't want to do it yet as there's things he's wants to progress in with his job so he can earn more money etc. But he also takes his time to do everything so I CAN WAIT but a timescale would be nice just so I could see a light at the end of the tunnel but he can't give me that and I don't know when enough is going to be enough and I won't be able to do this anymore.
We are both in stable and secure jobs,(even with the current crisis) we both earn fairly decent money, have very supportive families and are in the process of looking for a house so that we have room for a baby. (But I'm scared that we will go through all the hassle of moving and settling somewhere else only for him to turn around and say he's still not ready). Financially we are stable and for the child care cost side of things, I work somewhere that I could bring my child on a daily basis and they are taken care of without costing us anything, also since the pandemic luckily my DP can work from home as much as he likes and he does and has said he is quite happy (when the time is right) to have the child home with him and work from home more (like a stay at home dad). I think he will be an amazing dad and I know he wants us to be in a better position because his parents were able to give him everything he needed when he was growing up and he wants to be able to do that for our child..

I understand what you are saying but buying a house first is a sensible move for stability. But I would make sure he understands that there are always projects to be done in a house and not everything has to be perfect for you to have a baby.

I think having fertility tests are a good thing.

If I’m honest I think he sounds quite sensible about the whole thing and not giving you a set timeline is not leading you on. How would you know if you will feel differently at a certain age? I have definitely never worked like that. Sure I thought I would like to get married around a certain age but I would never hold myself or someone else to a it.

I think he does want kids with you and would like to, as MN says, get his ducks in a row.

He’s 28. You’re 29. It’s fine!

You do realise having a child isn't what makes someone a grown up. The idea that because I don't want children that, in your mind, somehow means I need to 'grow up' is pretty insulting.

OP I would really advise stopping any talk of children for the moment, in case you start pushing him away, but I think your next step should be to start planning to get married, even if it's just a small ceremony (that's all anyone can do right now anyway). You'll get a much better idea of where you stand once you start discussing this.

The fuss and hassle of a wedding that you dislike are just by-products of what is essentially a financial contract between two people to ensure each one's stability should you eventually separate - I think people who dismiss it as old-fashioned are missing the point at their peril.

he's full of it.... if you stay ... how long do you give him ? a year ? 4 years ? 6 years? then your half way through 30... sorry but those years could be spent cherishing your children with someone who truly wants them 🌺

mumsnet is a strange place, if you cane saying oh god i’m 39 and have no man you’d have posters telling you you’ve loads of times and how they’ve a friend who just turned 70 and had a baby at 69 so don’t give up.

you’re still young, he’s allowed to not be ready. and he’s absolutely right, everything will change and if you don’t realise that then maybe you’re not ready.

having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into your relationship.

@user1471457751 I agree with you totally, but I think you need to show a bit more commitment, like planning to get married.,.