I want it. He's not ready. What happens now?

[JhG1891]

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years, we've always had such a great relationship and most days feel like we're still loved up and in the honeymoon stage still.. but we're not and it's been four years. The thing is I'm nearing 30 and really want to start having children and making a family and he tells me that's what he wants too, problem is he says he doesn't want it yet (he gets anxious and I think he's scared that everything will change and he wants us to be as prepared as we can) but for me I've waited a long time and I'm getting older.. my ticking clock is getting louder. I don't want us to throw away what we have but I'm getting impatient and I don't want to wake up one day and realise 4 more years has passed and I may have missed my chance. We've talked about this at length many times recently but it never changes. I want it now. He's not ready yet.

Christmasfluff love your ice cream analogy....agree he doesn’t want ice cream and has said that he is happy to have OP without children (which you seem to have taken as some sort of compliment?) - but YOU want ice cream - are you prepared not to have any - is he worth it?

He is refusing to give you a timescale (because he knows that it won’t work for you - it’s probably late 30’s in ten years time - which is perfectly reasonable for HIM) but he is not concerned about your desires and limitations.

So - you set the pace, how long are you prepared to wait for him to even decide that you can TTC or not.

It’s fine if he says in 2 years we can TTC........but if he is saying in 2 years I will consider if I want to have a baby with you at that point - then that’s a very different matter and you need to build in your contingency plans.

I think you are missing the point people are making about marriage, in this relationship or any future ones if you leave this one. Your parents would have separated had they been married or not so you would have still had separated/divorced parents. If you have kids and are not married and separate in a few years down the line, your kids will have parents that have separated. If you have kids and are married and separate in a few years down the line, your kids will have parents that have separated. The only difference is the legal aspect which will protect you and them. The wedding doesnt have to be fancy, people don't even need to know unless you want them too. It is the legal aspect that is important.

I don't know if that makes sense but hopefully it does.

@Graphista

I am actually speaking from experience. Having had my children in my 30s and I mentioned the early menopause because my mother and grandmother both started perimenopause at 35. So don't question my experiences please when ive given birth to those children, I am very very well aware of the complications of births and the issues which could possibly have happened with health. It still would not have stopped me having my children.

I also work with children, I am a teacher and have worked in nurseries prior. So I am highly experienced with children. Thank you.

You are still quite young at 29 and 28. If you were 35 and he was like this, I’d say leave now, but you potentially have a little time. I’d be prepared to give it another year in your shoes, but that’s all. As for buying a house together, I’d put that on hold because it would be more difficult to walk away if you have a house together - and you need to be prepared to walk away at a certain point.

Run ! This is coming from experience!! I asked my ex to try for a baby he said he wanted to yet kept putting it off, eventually after 3 years of asking we tried and 3 years of ttc I had my baby!! I've spent 2 years asking for another ( he agreed we would try once baby was 1 ) I wanted my baby to have siblings and I'm running out of time !! He had me begging in total for 5 years !! Just run honestly !!

I feel for you OP. Unless you stick it out with him you will never know whether he will be ready in a while. Meanwhile time is ticking for you. Perhaps give it six months to a year during which he knows you are ready for kids or ready to move on if they are not on the horizon within a reasonable timeframe. If this is made clear it may help him decide, it is fair to allow him time to process the decision if he really hasn't been thinking it is what you want and time is ticking.

As others have said, marriage isn't about the day. If you are going to have a child, buy property etc think really carefully about this. If you don't want the big day a registry office will marry you with minimum fuss. Research the difference and think about what happens if things go wrong, e.g. you have a child with medical difficulties who you have to give up work for and you eventually split - if you are married you could get a share of his pension at divorce, not married you get zilch, you should want to be each other's next of kin if you get very ill or die. Go into this with your eyes open and if you are happy to take the risks, hey, it's your life. If you don't marry, perhaps get your legal affairs in order as best you can without marriage, wills, living power of attorney, life insurance, etc.

I had an unmarried friend, her partner did not make a will. His family took everything of his that they could - his savings, death in service benefit etc, quite substantial sums that would have went to her automatically if married. They dictated how the funeral was conducted. They were recognised by the priest as the chief mourners. She had been with him 15 years, he was completely estranged from them, it counted for nothing and she was pushed to one side. She had no rights, the only thing she kept was the house because they had registered it so that the survivor automatically inherited- the family were sniffing around there too. Although they had a difficult relationship with her partner, she says she never would have predicted the way they acted....be careful.

@BitOfFun that article is interesting. But ultimately makes the same conclusion as I do that the ideal time to ttc is 25-35

@sardiniaaa at no point have I been "cut and dried" about anything, there are always exceptions - I'm one of them as I was ttc from 25 and it took nearly 4 years to get dd due to endo and other factors - endo that was undx at the start of it all which many conditions affecting fertility and pregnancy are. I also had another undx condition (it doesn't present any symptoms until the first labour) that almost resulted in mine and dds deaths!

And yes I have a FEW friends who've met their life partner late in life and conceived relatively easily

But we ARE the exceptions.

I've spoken in generalisations throughout and generally speaking most women's biological best time to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy and birth is before 35.

@8HannaH8 I justifiably questioned your experiences re gynaecology conditions are you were and are focused on one fairly rare condition and spoke as if it were the only possible problem:

unless their is a history of early menopause in your family?

My comments regarding childcare were not in response to you sorry if it seemed that way

As for buying a house together, I’d put that on hold because it would be more difficult to walk away I think that's good advice, may also focus his mind.

@cantarina the person I know where the man died young and unmarried it was a very similar scenario wrt his family, and in that case this was even though prior to his death the woman had got along quite well with her "in laws" it was a shock how they behaved - there's no way of predicting these things as you say

I think you do need to make a decision.
30 is young re children, yes. But that's 30 in an established relationship.

But if he does not want children then how many years can you give him hoping he'll change his mind given that you then have to add on the time it would take you to meet someone, fall in love, both want to start a family, conceive? 5 years? 6? More?

Don't just look at your current age, look at where you want to be and how much time realistically each step will take.

You don't have the luxury of time to wait for him to (maybe) change his mind.

You need to decide if you can live without any chance of children. If you can't, then you know what you need to do.

I think its fair enough him not being ready at 28. You are going to be ready sooner being older and men are less mature anyway.

You are still young, and building careers and financial stability is important and you still need to get your own home. I think you have time. Can you agree to review say in a 6 months/ a year? Otherwise you could leave and take 5 years to meet someone else you love so much?

You really, really need to understand that the purpose of marriage is to financially protect the parties in the relationship and any children. Everything else is just window dressing.

Don't have children without marriage unless you are independently wealthy. It really is that simple!

How have the last few days been for you OP?

Just a minor point about working at home with a child you mentioned he could potentially do - be aware that work takes twice as long when you are caring for a small child! 4 hours work takes 8 hours i found in reality!

Hope you can find a compromise on when to ttc