I want it. He's not ready. What happens now?

[JhG1891]

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years, we've always had such a great relationship and most days feel like we're still loved up and in the honeymoon stage still.. but we're not and it's been four years. The thing is I'm nearing 30 and really want to start having children and making a family and he tells me that's what he wants too, problem is he says he doesn't want it yet (he gets anxious and I think he's scared that everything will change and he wants us to be as prepared as we can) but for me I've waited a long time and I'm getting older.. my ticking clock is getting louder. I don't want us to throw away what we have but I'm getting impatient and I don't want to wake up one day and realise 4 more years has passed and I may have missed my chance. We've talked about this at length many times recently but it never changes. I want it now. He's not ready yet.

Leave now. He doesnt want the same things as you. And you dont have time on your side.

But reading your last post im not at all of his timescale. You need to sort that really. Ask him clearly as youve not got years. And if he can’t say, walk.

“Walk away”. “Leave him”. “Move on”. “I wouldn’t accept that”.

To those posters — you make it sound so easy to throw away a relationship.

It is difficult for either party to give up freedoms before beginning family life.

To the OP - is he really what you want and does he really want this with you and/or anyone?

Think carefully before blinking what sounds like an otherwise good relationship and focus on resolving then incompatibility.

Each case of this is different yet people on here are so quick to dismantle your relationship for you.

Oh OP you're exactly where I was 3 years ago. We broke up because of it, got back together because we thought we could work through it, was pregnant 2 months later and 16 months after our son was born he left saying he never wanted him and I forced him to have our son.

I should have never looked back when we broke up. I regret it massively because even though I have a beautiful little boy who is my absolute world, he's stuck with a narcissistic prat for a father... The power of hindsight and a year out of the relationship has shown me just how much he wore me down. I'm a shell of my former self.

Do yourself a favour and leave now. It won't end how you want it to

I think you are being unfair saying things like “ I want him to grow up “ and “ I just want him to want what I want “. If YOU are grown up you will realise that you can’t change people.

@user1471457751

You do realise having a child isn't what makes someone a grown up. The idea that because I don't want children that, in your mind, somehow means I need to 'grow up' is pretty insulting.

Yes I do realise that and I don't think that having children is a sign of growing up at all, some people don't want children and that's fine. But I know my DP and our personal situation and he does need to grow up a little in some aspects of his life and that's just him and our situation not that I'm saying everyone who's not ready for children need to grow up at all!!

OP... how do you feel about it all today .... 🌺

4 years, and at that age, is really quite early in a relationship to be having a child imo.

I wasn’t ready to have children with dh for the first 10 years of our relationship. We eventually had them after 15 years, and 14 years on from that I don’t in any way regret taking our time.

It meant the relationship was really solid and could take the unbelievable stress a very very sick baby brought. If I had gotten pregnant when he first wanted to have dc (about 5 years into the relationship) and had had to go through everything we had to go through with ds, I would have been full of resentment and I don’t know what that would have done to our relationship.

Also the fact that he explicitly accepted that we might never have children means a lot to me. He said he’d rather have me as his wife and no children rather than someone else, which makes me feel like he loves me as a person rather than as a vehicle for making children for him. And that matters to me.

Me and dh were together for 6 years before getting married...he wasn't keen on the idea- but that was the deal breaker for me for having dc with him...which he wanted... Not sure that that's helpful- just wanted to say that people have different priorities... 4 years is quite a long time...and at the same time it isn't... You're still fairly young- but maybe you need to really show him just how much having children means to you- and that you want him to be the father of your children, he's your soul mate, you couldn't imagine your life without him and your children etc etc...
Good luck

Completely agree with what Longsight2019 has said. It’s not as simple as just throwing away an amazing relationship because things aren’t being done on your terms as others suggest. That doesn’t sound like a mature approach to a relationship to me. As I said before it is his relationship too and he has to be ready aswell. Deciding to start a family is a massive commitment and you both need to be in the right headspace for that and be ready f or your lives to change forever.

I appreciate that it is different for women with the whole biological clock thing but you do still have plenty of time left! I think he is being sensible in wanting you to have a house first but agree that there is not going to be a perfect time either it’s just that some times are better than others.

Discuss what is reasonable to you both in terms of timescales and then go from there. Be honest about how you feel and really listen to him too.

Waiting .... when you're early 20's.. no problem 🤔

Waiting... when you're early 30's.. ok but for how long 🤔

still Waiting ... late 30's early 40's mid 40's ..... is it now too late ? 🌺

@JhG1891

We've have lived together very happily for 2 1/2 years. With me thinking he is on the spectrum, I feel he has minor traits (I've worked with SN for many years so am able to spot various traits and behaviours) he is still a very functioning and clever member of society with a great job that he works hard at. We have discussed marriage and it isn't really for us (we are not bothered by all the fuss it brings and being the centre of attention). I am not making him do anything, that's why I'm here.. he has made it clear on more than one occasion when we've spent hours talking that he'd love to have kids with me but he doesn't want to do it yet as there's things he's wants to progress in with his job so he can earn more money etc. But he also takes his time to do everything so I CAN WAIT but a timescale would be nice just so I could see a light at the end of the tunnel but he can't give me that and I don't know when enough is going to be enough and I won't be able to do this anymore. We are both in stable and secure jobs,(even with the current crisis) we both earn fairly decent money, have very supportive families and are in the process of looking for a house so that we have room for a baby. (But I'm scared that we will go through all the hassle of moving and settling somewhere else only for him to turn around and say he's still not ready). Financially we are stable and for the child care cost side of things, I work somewhere that I could bring my child on a daily basis and they are taken care of without costing us anything, also since the pandemic luckily my DP can work from home as much as he likes and he does and has said he is quite happy (when the time is right) to have the child home with him and work from home more (like a stay at home dad). I think he will be an amazing dad and I know he wants us to be in a better position because his parents were able to give him everything he needed when he was growing up and he wants to be able to do that for our child..

Marriage though isn't about "fuss" and "being centre of attention" it is about some very important legal rights. If you were to have children and give up your job, it would give you rights to shared income earned if you were to split. There are too many women who only realise this when they split and realise they have no house nor any right to one, and that the "family home" actually belongs to the man/other party. Secondly rights to be each other's next of kin... not married and it's not each other. You can get married with just a random witness, no fuss.

The trouble is that, as a male, he can wait a lot longer than you can.
I worry that he is stringing your along and will never be ready.

Hi OP.

Have many of your friends got children? If the answer is no, he might not want to be the first of his friends to have one as they are still out all the time. 28 is relatively young to have a child IMHO. Still, you should be able to talk to him and he should take you seriously. (I'm just trying to get into his head!)

Could it be that your boyfriend doesn't understand the biological clock thing? I had something very similar with my boyfriend (now husband). He didn't understand that you actually have to TRY for a baby and that it could take months / years. I had to share articles with him.

He might also be worried about finance / home life and not just having a baby. What are your circumstances? Do you both have jobs? Do you live in a big enough flat / house?

I'm totally on your side, but trying to get into his head too. He might be worried that you physically cannot have a baby and cannot give it the best.

Either way, you're totally entitled to feel this way and you need to have a serious conversation with him. Him being the one to say "no" and you waiting for him makes your relationship extremely unbalanced and unhealthy.

Would be keen to hear how you get on!

Everything does change and nothing is the same any more. I am convinced that most men don't want children because they know that they will immediately be second best and of course they will be.
Some are just not prepared to make that sacrifice and it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't. I don't think he wants to be a father any time soon I'm afraid. I would walk away.

Things are awful today.. we've barely spoken

Oh dear, sorry to hear that OP. What's happening?

@CatherinedeBourgh, 4 years into a relationship isn't early.

At 28, he is still very young by today’s standards and it’s not at all unusual for men in their late 20s to not be ready to be fathers. He is also perfectly entitled to not want to be a father yet. He absolutely isn’t in the wrong here.

But neither are you, of course. You are ready to have children, he isn’t. You want different things. Unfortunately, this is a binary issue and unless you can agree a compromise which works for both of you, the reality is that this could be a deal-breaker.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You say that you can take your child with you to work or he can work at home and look after the baby that's very unrealistic. If you have a baby and both work you will absolutely have to use childcare.

He said he’d rather have me as his wife and no children rather than someone else, which makes me feel like he loves me as a person rather than as a vehicle for making children for him.

This is great but I don't think it's the way all relationships are. I love my husband but I don't believe in soul mates - if he hadn't wanted children, I would have (hopefully) found someone else who I would also have loved. That doesn't mean I only value him for his sperm. It just means if we don't want the same things in life, we wouldn't be suited to be in a relationship.

This happened to me. We split up when I was 29. Met the real love of my life a few years later, he knew what he wanted and we had three children quickly.
Don’t let this man rob you of your chance to have children, as heartbreaking as it is to walk away. You deserve better

@GreekOddess I agree - it doesn’t sound realistic that a man who doesn’t want kids now & cant commit to when he wants kids is lined up to be a Stay at home dad. This idea that the baby will just sit there quietly while you work sounds fairly unrealistic to me...

We have discussed marriage and it isn't really for us (we are not bothered by all the fuss it brings and being the centre of attention).

No. Just NO. You need to be an adult and understand what marriage ACTUALLY is. It is a legal protection for you and therefore for your future children. It is the financial and legal protection provided by law in the event that you need to stop working to bring up your child (eg special needs, eg your health, eg any reason) or in the event that your relationship dissolves.

You really, really need to get googling about what marriage is, and what it means. So many young women imagine that getting married is a 'fuss', a dress and a big party. You need to get educated. And do not discount the possibility that he has already educated himself and is simply unwilling to provide the woman he 'loves' with that legal protection BECAUSE he does not want the responsibility of children.

I had this with an ex DP - years down the line they're still not so young, free and single. Glad they were honest with me, although it hurt like hell at the time.

I think about these things from a slightly different place. I was married at 19 but for fifteen years faced battle after battle and was ultimately told we wouldn't have a baby. Then we did.

So I suppose to me there is a difference between wanting a child and having a child.

What if you stay and can't have children? Can your relationship survive that aspect. That's bloody hard, in some ways harder than the harsh reality a newborn can then put on the relationship.

On the otherside what's to say you will meet someone else? I mean it's possible but what if he goes on to have three kids in five years time and you face the struggle of never meeting someone else.

I suppose for me at this point it's about the relationship and whether you wish to remain in that, with or without a child.