Page 2 | I want it. He's not ready. What happens now?

Viviennemary · 31/07/2020 23:06

I think 28 is still fairly young and it's not unreasonable that he doesn't want to settle down to a life of babies and domesticity yet. It's hard on you. I don't know what to suggest. But I would give it another year and see how it goes. And I agree with people saying sometimes s man carries on for years in a relationship not being ready then all of a sudden meets somebody else and miraculously is ready. Don't let that happen to you.

PinkConfetti · 31/07/2020 23:08

he gets anxious and I think he's scared that everything will change and he wants us to be as prepared as we can

Congratulations you have a man child on your hands. Please don't tell me you want a child with this man?
You're still so young but why waste time in a relationship when you're not on the same page? .

Bemorechicken · 31/07/2020 23:09

I waited until I was 30 and married a total shit as I wanted a child. 4 m/c later I saw the errors on my ways.

I wish I could give me a good shake. Yes leave. But be prepared that you might not meet someone wonderful. For me I would do the past so differently. Knowing what I know and that I am a single parent. I would have gone it alone with a sperm donor from the start.

chubbyhotchoc · 31/07/2020 23:14

You've wasted enough time. Don't waste the pretty. Tell him you see yourself married with children and as he doesn't want these things you need to move on to find those things for yourself.
Breakup with him and start dating up a storm. He may realise what he's lost and turn up with a ring but if he doesn't he never would had you stayed.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/07/2020 23:15

he is such a lovely, sweet and genuine guy..

and he's being honest with you... believe him.. walk away

Atthebottomofthegarden · 31/07/2020 23:15

I’d give him another year. Then out if nothing has changed.

Guiltypleasures001 · 31/07/2020 23:28

As hard as it is to say this, is there a possibility of increasing the chances of having a child on the spectrum if one parent is?

Original poster

JhG1891 · 31/07/2020 23:29

I love him so much and I want to give him all the time he needs.. and I genuinely do understand the way he feels and why he wants to wait etc but I just can't help that I want this now and I just feel so sad all the time and it just seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant or already has kids and I just want it so badly, and with him! And it hurts that we're just not in the same place right now. We've always been very in-sync so when we talked about babies and kids and I found out that we weren't in the same place we were both gutted

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 31/07/2020 23:33

@MikeUniformMike

Same as *@Neolara*.

You're girlfriend material not wife material. Sorry.

That's unkind. I presume you mean "...for him".

OP, you're someone's person, but not this guy.
Walk away and be free to find a better match.

WouldBeGood · 31/07/2020 23:33

@Bmidreams

When they say they're not ready for marriage and babies, they mean with you. These men always seem to find themselves quickly married to someone else.

I know it’s hard, but I agree with this. It’s easy for me to say, but I’d leave if I were you, don’t hang around waiting and risk ending up childless and probably alone as he has children later.

PicsInRed · 31/07/2020 23:36

@Guiltypleasures001

As hard as it is to say this, is there a possibility of increasing the chances of having a child on the spectrum if one parent is?

Yes, there is. And an ambivalent man won't stick around to help out.

Candyfloss99 · 31/07/2020 23:38

You can't blame him for not wanting a child when he's only 28. He doesn't need to grow up, he just doesn't want the same life you want.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 31/07/2020 23:39

I’m a couple of years older than my now DH. We got together when I was 25 and he was 22, nearly 23. Great relationship, very happy together. When I was 26, nearly 27 (so we had been together around 2yrs) I laid my cards on the table and said I wanted to get married in the next year or so and try for a baby. We had talked about it in an abstract way before but my biological clock had started ticking loudly. He said he was only 23 and didn’t think he was ready for marriage and kids (we already lived together). I said fine, but I wasn’t changing my mind and was prepared to walk if we weren’t on the same page (was gut wrenching and I didn’t feel like I meant it, but I knew I had to mean it to have kids).

Anyway, it took only a matter of hours for him to realise what he was potentially giving up and that news reasonable to make that demand as a woman who’s eggs were deteriorating by the month. We were married less than a year later and had some difficulties having our first, so she wasn’t born until I was almost 30. I’m glad I had that conversation now, because I worry if I had waited for him to be “ready” I might have been hanging around with poor fertility and not had a chance to have the two kids I have with the small age gap they have.

MikeUniformMike · 31/07/2020 23:41

@PicsInRed, yes for him.

Might not be true here, but I have heard something very similar from someone who was in a long relationship, she wanted to get married, he didn't. It was pretty much what he said.

Nonstopmum9 · 31/07/2020 23:51

I was with my husband 6 years before we had our first child. I am now a mother of two and a childminder of many. I was more than ready after 3 years. He was not. We waited and I was on the brink of leaving him. I loved him very much(still do). I had some stomach trouble and had an ovary removed and he realise it was now or never. I was still under 27 I had my first. Two miscarriages later we had a second and now 11 years later I am still hoping for baby number three... I think I held off too long. Trust yourself and be prepared to leave if you have to. It will happen. Stay strong.

Original poster

JhG1891 · 31/07/2020 23:57

@Nonstopmum9

I was with my husband 6 years before we had our first child. I am now a mother of two and a childminder of many. I was more than ready after 3 years. He was not. We waited and I was on the brink of leaving him. I loved him very much(still do). I had some stomach trouble and had an ovary removed and he realise it was now or never. I was still under 27 I had my first. Two miscarriages later we had a second and now 11 years later I am still hoping for baby number three... I think I held off too long. Trust yourself and be prepared to leave if you have to. It will happen. Stay strong.

Part of me trusts what he says and I feel like it could happen for us eventually.. he just can't give me a timeline, therefore I don't know how long I'm willing to wait .. which causes a lot of uncertainty for not only our future but for mine too...

OP posts:

Welshgal85 · 01/08/2020 00:02

OP I posted a similar thread this earlier in the year (but am older than you) so know how you feel!. I agree with others that there are some harsh responses here!

There seems to be a default response to a lot of posts on MN to just leave partners and that all men will let us down and that simply isn’t true! Some will say that is deluded of me but I really don’t think it is.

Only you know the reality of your relationship and if you have a loving relationship that makes you happy then that isn’t necessarily something to just throw away. In my experience a kind, caring and loving man doesn’t come along that often! That doesn’t mean I think you should just settle in difficult situations but really think about what you want, be honest with yourself and your partner about when you want kids but really listen to his feelings too. This is his relationship too! You need to decide what it best for both of you. If you can’t compromise then maybe it’s time to think about ending the relationship if you really do want a baby more than staying in the relationship.

I don’t think ultimatums are healthy at all, how could you ever be sure the other person didn’t just feel forced to go along with something they didn’t want to do and then end up resenting you?

I really hope it works out for you both and you are able to find a way to move forward x

Original poster

JhG1891 · 01/08/2020 00:16

@Welshgal85

OP I posted a similar thread this earlier in the year (but am older than you) so know how you feel!. I agree with others that there are some harsh responses here!

There seems to be a default response to a lot of posts on MN to just leave partners and that all men will let us down and that simply isn’t true! Some will say that is deluded of me but I really don’t think it is.

Only you know the reality of your relationship and if you have a loving relationship that makes you happy then that isn’t necessarily something to just throw away. In my experience a kind, caring and loving man doesn’t come along that often! That doesn’t mean I think you should just settle in difficult situations but really think about what you want, be honest with yourself and your partner about when you want kids but really listen to his feelings too. This is his relationship too! You need to decide what it best for both of you. If you can’t compromise then maybe it’s time to think about ending the relationship if you really do want a baby more than staying in the relationship.

I don’t think ultimatums are healthy at all, how could you ever be sure the other person didn’t just feel forced to go along with something they didn’t want to do and then end up resenting you?

I really hope it works out for you both and you are able to find a way to move forward x

That's why I won't force him in to it, I want him to want it like I do.. I don't want to force it and have him walk away a few years down the line because I pushed him in to doing somthing he doesn't want to.. I've haven't ever given him an ultimatum, I love him too much. So I either wait and hope it pans out the way I want it to or I walk away and risking losing (what I know) is the best thing that ever happened to me, he changed my life

OP posts:

Catsup · 01/08/2020 00:22

I can understand what he's saying in regards to making sure you're both in the right place if you decide to have a child. However, the reality is there's never really a 'right time' in regards to things like a bigger financial buffer, a better house, securing a better job. Things shift in life continously and you can always garuntee the best laid plans tend to throw a spanner in the works. If we all held off for the optimal time there wouldn't be many children being concieved in the world. So, that aside is it a fear of the unknown he's worrying about? Or is it a fear of bringing a child into the world? Planned parenthood is pretty bloody daunting, especially now in regards to COVID, people losing jobs, what's going to happen in the world moving forwards. Has he expressed whats his actual worries are other than a vague 'it'll change things'?

backseatcookers · 01/08/2020 00:26

@Neolara

When they say they're not ready for marriage and babies, they mean with you. These men always seem to find themselves quickly married to someone else.

I'm afraid to say I agree with this.

I can't believe how often this happens - has been the case with almost every friend of mine who has split with a long term boyfriend who claimed to be a commitment phobe. Within 6-12 months the boyfriend is engaged, moved in and usually expecting a baby. I can't explain it but it seems to be so common!

Welshgal85 · 01/08/2020 00:27

Have you talked about timescales with him? Rather than just ‘one day’? I think you need another conversation and say you need to know that this will definitely be on the horizon and that you need to talk about timescales that would work for you both. He’s said he’s not ready now, ask him why this is and see what he says. It may be that he has reasonable concerns about not being ready yet. 28 and 30 is still young imo and you have plenty of time but completely understand how hard it is when you feel the biological clock ticking loudly and it’s all you can think about! Hear what he says and his concerns are and tell him yours and take it from there.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/08/2020 00:32

don't gamble with your fertility OP... the stakes are too high 🌺

Opentooffers · 01/08/2020 00:36

OP, if I could of given the younger me one big piece of advice, it would be to always get married before having children. If someone isn't good enough to marry, why are they good enough to have a DC with? I've had to pay 10 years longer on a mortgage that was double the original monthly fee, to buy my son's Dad out of the equity of the house when we split, done 100% of childcare and never got a penny in maintenance and never will as he's since died. Marriage is the financial protection thats needed should anything go wrong. Would of made the rest of my life a while lot easier since.
Have either of you thought about taking that step? Are you both in it for the long haul anyway, or is he scared about that idea also? The answer to that could be revealing.

Deadringer · 01/08/2020 00:36

If you really love him and don't want to end it, set a reasonable date, 6 months, a year, whatever you want and tell him that's your deadline. If he won't commit to that, or you reach that date and he isn't ready, finish it. You know what you want, why shouldn't you go for it

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/08/2020 00:40

Walk away OP. You know what he’s doing: he’s telling you it’ll happen ‘some day’ because he wants to keep you where you are.

I think you know you need to move on. So hard but you’ll be so glad you didn’t waste any more time.