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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner attacked me today

159 replies

MarieGold · 30/07/2020 18:09

NC. He's always been very gentle and caring. He was the last person I imagined would hurt me. I tried to call Women's Aid but I can't get through.

It was like he became another person. I couldn't believe what was happening. I still can't.

We don't live together so I'm home now and safe. I'm struggling not to blame myself (did I drive him to it?) and wonder if there's any way back (I know there isn't). Ironically I wish he had his arms around me now. I never imagined he could do this. I really love(d) him.

How can I process this and stay strong? Sad

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 30/07/2020 18:12

Deep breaths OP. What happened? Whatever happened, him physically attacking you is unjustified and you need to know that.

Are you somewhere safe now or do you still feel in danger of being hurt again?

Thanks
Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2020 18:15

I would be calling the police and changing your locks if he has a key. Please do not ever see him again. There is always a first time for an abuser, and it is never the last.

Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 18:23

We'd had some tense words (not an argument really - just talking, no shouting) and he accused me of lying to him throughout the relationship. He's accused me of the same a couple of times before, and each time he did it I'd have no idea what he was talking about. I said that I didn't want to hear it and got up to leave. He said "don't you want to hear what you've been lying about" and locked me in his flat. When I tried to get past him he started grabbing me and pushing me.

We struggled and he pinned me down while saying "I know you told X you don't love me. I know you told Y you don't love me. I know you told Z you don't love me. I know there was something going on between you and Z". None of which was true and he had no reason to think so. I tried to stay calm and kept saying "I just want to leave. Please let me go." but he didn't. I didn't know what to do then so I picked up an object within my reach and started hitting him with it, although not full force because I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. I managed to grab my phone and called the police. Only then did he unlock the door but he chased after me down the street.

I have marks on my arms and my hand is bleeding. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 30/07/2020 18:23

Can you tell us a bit more? How long you have been together, circumstances around the attack, your age group?
At any rate you don't need this person in your life.

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/07/2020 18:26

You are in shock OP.SadFlowers Can you call someone to come and sit with you?

Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 18:26

It's not the first time he's been jealous and possessive, but because he's always been so "nice" and gentle and sorry and god knows what else, I let it slide. In hindsight there were big red flags. He doesn't have a key fortunately. I can't bring myself to involve the police. Once I was safe, I told them I didn't want to speak to any officers and hung up. I only called them in an attempt to get him to let me out.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 18:28

@madcatladyforever We'd been together 1.5 years. I'm in my 30s.

@DioneTheDiabolist I went to a friend's house afterwards and she drove me home. I considered calling another friend but I don't want to burden people with it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2020 18:29

I really hope you understand that you can never ever be alone with him again. Block him completely out of your life.He is a violent, gaslighting abuser, and next time he could seriously injure or even kill you.

TwentyViginti · 30/07/2020 18:30

OP he sounds unhinged. HE LOCKED YOU IN HIS FLAT. Please make a statement to the police. Get your locks changed.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/07/2020 18:31

I'm sorry this happened. You realise I think that he's been abusive for a long time and this is simply an escalation of abuse - so there can be no way back as he won't stop it, he'll only get worse.

Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 18:31

OP he sounds unhinged. HE LOCKED YOU IN HIS FLAT.

I know. When I see it on paper I start to appreciate how messed up it is. I experienced a lot of abuse in childhood so I find it difficult to spot as an adult. I tend to think, oh, it wasn't that bad.

OP posts:
Lumene · 30/07/2020 18:32

So sorry this has happened to you, what a horrible shock.

Well done for knowing you want to and need to end the relationship.

Ring Women’s Aid they will be able to talk you through how to move forward safely.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 30/07/2020 18:32

You really need to report this to the police, he sounds dangerous 😳

He assaulted you, please report it.

Bessica1970 · 30/07/2020 18:33

I’m assuming that you have no intention of seeing him again, even if he cries and tells you how much he loves you (which he will)?
Do yo feel safe?
Don’t let him in when he comes grovelling ( he will). I would advise talking to the police though to get it on record.

backseatcookers · 30/07/2020 18:33

@Aquamarine1029

I really hope you understand that you can never ever be alone with him again. Block him completely out of your life.He is a violent, gaslighting abuser, and next time he could seriously injure or even kill you.
Please listen to this. I wish I had the bravery to post somewhere like this when I was being abused - you had that bravery so you know it's wrong. Please put plans in place that mean you don't have to see this man again Thanks
saltycat · 30/07/2020 18:37

I know you are traumatised. It is awful.

Why would you try MN before going to the police or family or friends?

I understand that you may be embarrassed and feel down and maybe totally confused, but honestly if anyone hit me or hurt me they'd be out the door (if I could do it), or call the police.

You know what you have to do now my love, so just do it.

pickingdaisies · 30/07/2020 18:39

I would report this to the police, just so it is flagged up if he tried it again. He has escalated, he's dangerous now.

corlan · 30/07/2020 18:41

I'm so sorry for you.I hope you can stay strong and not go back ( from someone who wasn't strong and wasted 13 years of her life on someone that kept hitting her)
You deserve so much better than a man that knocks you about.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 30/07/2020 18:41

Im so sorry this happened to you Flowers

Please do reconsider reporting it, us women need to help each other out and report these violent men, its the only thing we can do to help keep each other safe. The next woman might not get off so easy, and if there is a report Claires law might really help someone.

5363738383j · 30/07/2020 18:43

I'm not suggesting you do anything differently-you need to be safe-but is there any possibility he could have a brain tumor? It won't make any difference to what you need to do, but perhaps he does need to get checked.

5363738383j · 30/07/2020 18:44

Sorry, I didn't read your update. It's an escalation and not out of the blue. Please disregard.

Bemorechicken · 30/07/2020 18:44

Please make a statement to the police -please. The man assaulted you and imprisoned you -you could have been killed.

firecracker69 · 30/07/2020 18:48

Please report him. This is terrifying to read. He needs to be stopped in his tracks. He could so easily have killed you. He could also move on to spear the same abuse with another victim. I've been there, many years ago. How I wish I'd reported the bastard. Also, please get a friend to come over. You shouldn't be alone.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/07/2020 18:55

Op

I never push anyone to report when they don't feel they can

My main worry is, is that you defended yourself and he reports you first and they come for you. Ide report to have it on file, Ide be surprised if he hasn't got a history of this behaviour. He sounds paranoid and dangerous, Ide ask 101 at the least what they think

Please stay safe and a hot sweet cup of tea

S111n20 · 30/07/2020 18:55

STAY away from this man trust me he will do it again and again... you love him yes it will hurt been away from him in the short..in the long he will hurt you emotionally and physically... this is nothing compared to the heartache you will have if you see this man again. Please please listen from personal experience he will destroy you. Very deep but I know from personal experience....a relationship is build on trust and respect he clearly has non for you ..please stay safe and away from him..any contact call the police