My partner attacked me today

[MarieGold]

NC. He's always been very gentle and caring. He was the last person I imagined would hurt me. I tried to call Women's Aid but I can't get through.

It was like he became another person. I couldn't believe what was happening. I still can't.

We don't live together so I'm home now and safe. I'm struggling not to blame myself (did I drive him to it?) and wonder if there's any way back (I know there isn't). Ironically I wish he had his arms around me now. I never imagined he could do this. I really love(d) him.

How can I process this and stay strong?

OP you thought he was gentle and loving until he did otherwise.

He's lied to the police about what he did to you because he knows how much trouble he'd be in if he admitted it. He's implicated you in what happened. His tears are real but they are for himself, not you.

He is not who you believed him to be. For your own sanity, call time on this relationship and leave. You will be feeling heartbroken because you are grieving the loss of who you thought he was.

Do not go back to him. What you tolerate, you promote and it will happen again.

Well of course he cried genuine tears. If I'd committed a crime and been arrested, I would cry and it would be real. I'd be in shock that it had come to this, a little bit of fear for the future, maybe a tiny bit of remorse - although he doesn't seem to feel this. Did he say 'sorry' for the way he acted at all? Or just excuse it as being faults on both sides (YOU didn't lock him in a flat, YOU didn't threaten him, YOU didn't say 'scream if you want, nobody will hear').

Until he acknowledges, really, genuinely realises that he has a problem, he's not going to get help. You making a statement might be that first step for him to realise that actually it isn't every woman he's ever known cheating on him and lying to him - that the problem lies with HIM.

Thank you. I’ve read through and thought about every one of your replies. I am taking it in but it’s a slow process.

I cried myself to sleep and I cried as soon as I woke up. It was like the officer who interviewed felt sorry for him...he even dropped him home! I wish he’d never made the ‘they didn’t look like crocodile tears comment’ - as others have said, it really wasn’t helpful. He also said that he said he missed me. WRT the statement the officer said all of this would be disclosed through Clare’s Law now, regardless of whether I made one.

I just wish he could admit what he did and apologise. I know he’s not going to and he had ample opportunity to do this before he was arrested. He can’t possibly, truly believe what he told the police, can he? He knows what he did, even if he’s in denial? He was arrested for false imprisonment, ABH and coercive and controlling behaviour so he’d know if he admitted to it he’d be in a lot of trouble.

Sorry, I’m rambling on about whatever comes into my head. The bond is so strong because he’s the only person that’s ever given me that love and affection and (so I thought) gentleness. Both of my parents were very abusive and I spent a large part of my childhood in foster care. I know how pathetic it sounds but he’s been the only person I’ve ever actually felt loved by. I’m devastated

The tears probably were genuine but it doesn't change the fact that he hurt you and if you stay with him he almost certainly would again. He can't even say sorry and has painted it as being as much your fault as his. Agree the language he chooses shows a lack of responsibility. Not a good sign at all.

It shows you're a good person that you have compassion for him. Most people aren't all bad/good. But this doesn't mean the relationship is healthy for you and you can care about and miss someone but it doesn't mean they're right for you and it's not best to be apart.

Those feelings will fade in time and you'll see things more clearly. If you don't have any ongoing contact with him that is. Hopefully his bail conditions will mean he can't contact you at all.

Please DON’T waiver @MarieGold. Even IF he does apologise and begs you to have him back. Grieve for who you thought he was and please do the freedom programme.

What @HomeTheatreSystem said was excellent:
“Do not go back to him. What you tolerate, you promote and it will happen again.“

Please text some people you know and ask them to ring you ASAP. You really need some RL support. You’re not waisting their time and they will want to help you, believe me. X

You are far from pathetic. You are trying to process a very traumatic event. Unfortunately, love does no just go away like that, even after such horrific abuse has occurred. He is a stranger, not the man you thought he was. I know how hard that is to get your head around. I'm experience it myself at the moment. I feel your pain.

The officer's comments were a step over the line! They were extremely unhelpful to you and have triggered doubt.

What he did was so very bad and simply unforgivable. He's probably upset because he's been found out. I doubt this is the first time he's ever done something violent. And I doubt it will be the last.

You are so much stronger than you realise. Keep talking. ❤️

OP given your previous poor experience with reporting abuse to the police, I think the officer's stated opinion on your OHs tears seeming genuine has hit you hard. The police have come a very long way in dealing with DV but you're going to get the odd one who makes wholly ignorant and inappropriate comments like this which can be very damaging for the victim. Please try not to dwell on it. Given your past experiences, you were incredibly brave to go to them for help this time round and they appear to have taken it seriously. Please do keep trying to contact Women's Aid for support. You're doing so well here but you need to talk to someone .

The officer's comments were a step over the line! They were extremely unhelpful to you and have triggered doubt.

Yes. I’ve even been thinking stupid things like, Did I imagine it? Have I got it wrong? Even the police officer feels sorry for him!

I’m ashamed to say I’ve already done the freedom programme, only a couple of years ago. I should know better. But I just didn’t see this coming. I didn’t want to see some red flags of controlling behaviour because he was so sweet and gentle and had (I know, get the tiny violins out) an abusive childhood.

I’ve been texting a friend this morning but I don’t really have anyone I could be with. I find it difficult to let people in and he was one of the few people who really ‘knew’ me iyswim. I want the person who abused me to comfort me. It’s so messed up.

Op please take any and all action against him that you can, something similar happened to me a long time ago, a much loved Boyfriend inexplicably became irrationally jealous and hit me, l immediately dumped him as he didn't seem to think anything was wrong!

He tried everything to get hold of me, l blocked him all ways possible. After 10 days of trying,he broke into my flat and was waiting when l came home from work.. l could easily have died that night but eventually tricked him and got away. Police were great but as he had no previous reports against him couldn't be charged. Family member told me after that he had done this before but no previous GF had reported him.

I filed a report, told the police l really wanted them to go and speak to him at the very least. That was all l could do.
He then stalked me for 4 long, horrendous months, l moved house, sold a business etc to get away.

Police could do little.

I understand you pain, and feel for you it is truly horrible and no one deserves to be treated so badly. Please put your hurt aside for a moment if you can and see the bigger picture here. He is an abuser and irrationally jealous, that makes him a danger to all women he dates.

The message is this.....ALWAYS report, or the next poor girl may be hurt much more badly. It may not benefit you but it may save someone else.

Sending love and support op.

OP, sorry if this has already been suggested but have you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft? It's an excellent book about all the different types of abusers and their tactics. If you do a search on mumsnet you'll find a link to the pdf copy or you can buy it online. I have a feeling you will find your "lovely, gentle" exBF in its pages which will help diminish the power of that officer's damaging words.

You said (in an earlier post) gat you realised how bad his abuse was when you saw it written down. Have you tried a journal? Write down everything he did, while it's all still saw raw. When you're sounding him, reading what he did, as a reminder. Also, I bet there were other red flags that you may have ignored because you wanted to see the best in him. Write these down too.... it really does help.

I know only too well how growing up in an abusive family can affect your future relationships. Have only had a few serious relationships yet each man abused me in the vilest ways possible.

I have worked so hard on myself because for a long time I thought it was just "bad luck" on my part. In reality, I attracted abusive men because I hadn't healed inside. Even though I had, I hadn't. If I had healed fully, there is no way I'd have allowed the shitty behaviour to continue. I tended to focus on the fantasy of what my partner could be like, rather than facing the facts. Experiencing abuse at a young age can have far reaching consequences. I had nobody to model/ show me what a healthy relationship should be like. It's taken me an incredibly long time to figure it all out.

Just when I thought I was healed fully, I was abused yet again. Lies, deceit, cheating and discovering the man I truly loved, who I'd let in fully for first time, was an imposter. It's really taking some acceptance on my part. I loved the person I was around him and that's never happened, ever. But discovering he was being fake and he has abused me and other women, in the worst ways has cut deep.

Sorry for my long post, I just want you to see that you're not alone. Neither are you to blame in any way. I know it's confusing when you still love him, still want him, still crave him in some way, after what he's done. But deep down, you know you can never go back. We deserve so much better. Xx

*doubting (not sounding)

Sorry for my long post @firecracker69

Please don’t apologise - your post really resonated with me. I’ve had three long-term relationships and all of them have been abusive in different ways. The first raped me repeatedly and the second terrified me with c&c, violence and stalking. When I met #3 I thought, OK, he’s different. I’d had a year and a half of being single, working on myself with things like the freedom programme and having therapy. He was sweet and kind and gentle and loving and understanding. So I let him in like I hadn’t let in any of the others and I’d never felt so in love. I’m not even sure I felt in love with the others. So when this happened I immediately thought, What am I doing to drive these men to do these things? I’m the common denominator etc. I felt that it could happen once, maybe twice, but THREE times?! It has to be my fault. He even said in interview that the police could call his ex girlfriends and they would tell him he never tried to control them, which felt like being punched. So it’s incredibly comforting to me to know that you have also experienced this repeatedly, but of course equally upsetting because we never should have had to go through this. How are you doing now?

I’m working on things in therapy. I know that not only do I attract these men, but I choose them. I also had no blueprint of a healthy relationship when I was growing up so I struggle with boundaries and tend to minimise any bad behaviour. Other people would leave. I hate to say it but I now realise I’m easily manipulated by men.

To the person who asked about Why Does He Do That - yes I have read it before and I’m part way through it again.

WRT the statement the officer said all of this would be disclosed through Clare’s Law now, regardless of whether I made one.

That is fantastic.

Absolutely the right, and only outcome.

I tried to have a relationship with a jealous, insecure, controlling man (who seemed lovely for the first few months. He'd had four failed relationships before me (all with what seemed like reasonable reasons for ending, none of which were his fault and which I took, at face value until our relationship matured. Since ending the relationship (quite a long time ago now) I've realised more and more that it was a pattern, and from Facebook I see that he had apparently not got i to a lasting relationship since. This is in spite of him admitting that it is very important to him to be in a serious relationship, that's that's how he's built.

I can tell you with certainty that the breakdown of our relationship, in his head, will not have been his fault .. and the same for ant failed relationships he's had since.

He is simply not capable of seeing it, he is not capable of taking real responsibility for his feelings and behaviour.

It is a type of personality disorder/mental illness I suppose. (And this guy wasn't even violent or as outright accusing as your ex:s behaviour). They don't change. They cannot. Their relationships will only last for as long as they hide it and/or the woman puts up with it.

You've been v lucky, though it may feel the opposite, in seeing this and getting out before any commitment or ties. You've dodged a bullet to the head.

I haven't read it yet but "how he gets into her head" by Don Hennessy is supposed to be good as well, esp on targeting and grooming.

Not RTFT, but got to the bit about Clare's Law. That fits in with what the police told me.

I was attacked by my then seemingly wonderful partner. I didn't give a statement.
It was an out-of-the-blue attack. What a way to end a relationship.

He has since told everyone that I am a psychopath and an alcoholic.
He is free to do it again.

I seem to be feeling worse and worse. Trying to do soothing things but my stomach is in knots, I’m very anxious and I feel sick. My chest hurts.

I’ve left a message for the sergeant to call me as I want to talk to her about the officer who interviewed him. I think he was unprofessional and I strongly got the sense he feels sorry for him.

I'm glad you're going to speak to the sergeant about the officer. He has no place telling you they didn't seen like crocodile tears...in my opinion that already does he had taken a side.

That's not how to behave to victims of DA. Please do go through with it.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I really think you’ve done the right thing in calling to speak to the sergeant. I agree that the officer shouldn’t have said what he did. I hope you’re ok x

I'm so glad you've complained about the officer's comments. They have a code of conduct to follow, which he has very clearly not adhered to! He has stirred more uncertainty in you, at a time when you need support and reassurance. Well done! Don't let this drop. I've had to report a police officer before, to the Police Comission's Compaints (I think that's what it was called) and they took it very seriously indeed.

I'm also glad my experiences have helped you realise there are others going through similar traumatic events. I too blame myself, from time to time. It's hard to not think wtf is wrong with me? How the hell can it not be my fault? But most recent ex was so very convincing. Everyone else thinks he's such a good man. It infuriates me that he described me as crazy when I was nothing but supportive and kind to him. But I know it's a cover story for his abusive behaviour.

I'm getting there.... still torturing myself with thoughts of how he can be so very cruel. Why lies just rolled off his tongue so easily. I split up with him over 18 months ago. But only very recently discovered he cheated on me. Then moved onto another woman very quickly, who he moved in with. I spoke with her. This is how I found out about the true vile bastard he really is. He has even been physically abusive to her and I honestly believed he was the kindest, calmest most decent man I'd ever met. How wrong I was. God. It was a bolt out of the blue. He used mental illness as a reason to end it with me. He lied and said he was depressed. Just disgusting when he knows I actually suffer from depression.

What I find the hardest is - I think I'm a good judge of character. I had immediate doubts about him but choose to ignore the multitude of red flags because he charmed me so much. I thought I was being overly cautious because of my previous ex, who displayed uncannily similar behaviour. I thought "what's the chance of me meeting so ken exactly the same?" Hahahaha.... every chance, they were almost identical. Jesus. I could kick myself for not listening to my gut. I even ended it with him after a few months but stupidity went back.

What did your gut instinct say to you? Did you see any red flags?

iopc-complaints.egressforms.com/

If you prefer to make your complaint online, here's the form. They then get into touch to discuss it with you.

Hope you're ok. Been thinking of you.

OP please look after yourself, don't put yourself under any pressure to make a statement etc.
Just concentrate on putting distance between you and finding someone in real life to talk to. Self care is the only thing you need to concentrate on.

@firecracker69 that’s awful. I’m so glad that’s behind you now, although of course the scars are still painful. What is wrong with these men?

What did your gut instinct say to you? Did you see any red flags?

There were some red flags, yes. For instance, after I shared my past experiences of abuse in LTRs with him he became somewhat fixated on the idea that I would accuse him of being abusive. I had to reassure him that this would not be the case. However, he didn’t take my word for it and went through my Facebook to find my abusive ex’s details (I thought I had been very thorough in removing anything related to him). Unbeknown to me, he went to see this ex to ask him questions about me - apparently he wanted to talk to someone who ‘knew’ me. The worst part is, this ex was still stalking me at the time which he knew about. After that I started hearing from the ex again unsurprisingly. I had spent 18 months ignoring everything this ex was doing and he blew it to pieces.

I’m embarrassed writing that. It’s wrong on so many levels. When I found out I don’t think I had ever been so angry in my life. But he convinced me he just needed reassurance, that it wouldn’t happen again and stupidly I accepted it and stayed with him.

Other red flags include him shoving me when I held onto his arm asking him to please stay and talk about something. I rationalised this by thinking that I’d started it by putting my hand on him. That’s when I did Clare’s Law and it came back ‘clean’.

He has a jealous streak and even my friends have commented that he’s controlling. He had a fixation on one male friend in particular. This is the friend he was talking about while he was pinning me down.

He has turned on me a few times and said extremely upsetting things. I remember asking him to stop once, saying I couldn’t take it anymore. He said, ‘I want to be with someone who’s strong MarieGold. I don’t want to be with someone who’s weak.’

He always wanted to spend more time with me than I did with him. He expressed a desire to move in with me but I didn’t want that. I felt I was constantly saying to him that I needed space. I would say ‘Let me come to you. If you give me space I guarantee we will end up seeing more of each other in the long run.’ It was exhausting.

He thought that because I mentioned I needed to change my sheets, I’d slept with the aforementioned male friend.

There’s more but it’s too much to list. I was blinded by his love and his gentle and kind demeanour. He always framed these things as concern for me.

The officer who interviewed him called me last night. I expressed some of my concerns and he got defensive. He was actually very rude to me and I spent most of last night sobbing, thinking that maybe I’m just a ‘difficult woman’ who has this effect on men. I spoke to the female sergeant today who didn’t sound very impressed with him and she’s assigned a female officer to the case who has DV experience. She called this evening and seems to be proactive and understanding. We’ll meet next week.

I just want to call him and say, If you won’t admit it to the police, then please admit it to me. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t follow this through.

I won’t, but fuck it’s hard.

Sorry, this has turned into an enormous post but I feel better for writing it.

I feel for you MarieGold. Perhaps don’t mention past abuse or vulnerabilities too early on in a relationship. Unfortunately manipulative people will use information against you.
I’m gobsmacked at the police officers unprofessionalism and the upset he has caused you. So glad you reported the incident and were assigned a professional Officer with DV experience. I hope he gets a proper bolloxing!! What a dangerous way to talk to a victim of DV, I’m so angry on your behalf.
I hope you’re feeling ok, be kind to yourself🌷