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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner attacked me today

159 replies

MarieGold · 30/07/2020 18:09

NC. He's always been very gentle and caring. He was the last person I imagined would hurt me. I tried to call Women's Aid but I can't get through.

It was like he became another person. I couldn't believe what was happening. I still can't.

We don't live together so I'm home now and safe. I'm struggling not to blame myself (did I drive him to it?) and wonder if there's any way back (I know there isn't). Ironically I wish he had his arms around me now. I never imagined he could do this. I really love(d) him.

How can I process this and stay strong?

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 02/08/2020 11:11

I don’t want to ruin his life.

You won't be.

They may not even charge him, as the pc said.

No doubt he'll lie his socks off.

How utterly shitty that there could be been other incidents and we wouldn't find out about them if they weren't charged!

You are doing the right thing for you, and for any other woman he gets involved with.

Your state just goes to.show the trauma men like him do to people beyond the actual attack.

Please get your locks changed and/or add extra bolts etc.

Original poster

MarieGold · 02/08/2020 11:26

I’m finding it difficult at the moment. I went for a walk yesterday and was on edge the whole time. I sat on the grass and heard footsteps behind me. I nearly jumped out of my skin. I’ve been shaking this morning. I guess it’s sinking in.

The police have reasonable (I think?) evidence, including bruising and the 999 call where he can be heard shouting. Potentially some CCTV of him chasing after me.

I’m waiting for the call to say they’ve arrested him. They tried yesterday but there was no answer. I just want it done so I can try to settle. He unblocked me on WhatsApp yesterday (I still have him blocked) for some reason.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 02/08/2020 11:33

You poor thing.

Is there anyone who.could stay with you, or who you could stay with in the meantime?

He's probably trying to get talking to you, if he's realised the police are looking for him.

He deserves everything he gets, don't feel sorry or bad for one minute. You're doing the right thing, and if he is charged you've helped any woman he gets involved with in future.

GilbertMarkham · 02/08/2020 11:37

Could you see of there's any counselling available for you through eg women's aid?

howfarwevecome · 02/08/2020 11:51

I don't want to ruin his life.

You're not. He's done this. HIM.

And believe me, he's going to fight and lie like hell to the police and to everyone that he thinks it might help him to do so to prevent that as well.

This isn't on you. It's on him.

Original poster

MarieGold · 02/08/2020 11:53

@GilbertMarkham I don’t have anyone I could stay with but I do have an excellent therapist, fortunately.

What sorts of lies should I expect him to come out with?

OP posts:

Gurtcha · 02/08/2020 12:02

This is all on him OP, you didn’t do this.

You’ve done so well so far, just keep putting one step in front of the other through this

Lies you can expect:
She hit me.
It never happened.
She’s crazy.

They’re all pretty standard for this type of male but you know none of that is true and you have the evidence to prove it. Any DV trained police officer worth their salt will see straight through him.

GilbertMarkham · 02/08/2020 12:30

I don’t have anyone I could stay with but I do have an excellent therapist, fortunately.

Do you have anyone at distance?.would it be feasible to take some time off work (presuming you're working) or work from.home there. Presumably the police don't need to see you in person from now on.

Have you got any support from family and friends.

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 02/08/2020 12:42

OP, well done on speaking to the police. I know it is hard for you to have to deal with, but the police are actively working with you so that is encouraging. This man could have a lot of previous and the police could be desperate to get him convicted of something so that it does appear on Claire's Law.

Stay strong, and remember that he has done this to you and to himself, you have not done anything.

Original poster

MarieGold · 02/08/2020 14:15

I do have someone at distance but she’s living with somebody who’s shielding, so I don’t think that’s an option. And I think if I make a statement I would have to be here.

I’ve treat to reach out to a couple of friends today but they’re busy and I can’t bring myself to explain over text. I’m trying to do soothing things as my anxiety is through the roof at the moment. Stupidly, I feel upset that he hasn’t tried to make contact to apologise or express remorse. I still can’t believe he did this. Where is the loving, kind, gentle man I thought I knew?

OP posts:

Babysharkdoodoodood · 02/08/2020 15:14

@MarieGold

The police have reasonable (I think?) evidence, including bruising and the 999 call where he can be heard shouting. Potentially some CCTV of him chasing after me.

Check the location settings on WhatsApp. With some settings you can track where people are. Lock it down.

TimelyManor · 02/08/2020 15:17

Stupidly, I feel upset that he hasn’t tried to make contact to apologise or express remorse. I still can’t believe he did this. Where is the loving, kind, gentle man I thought I knew?

It's such a shock the first time they do it. Mine didn't speak to me for three days and I was apologising to him trying to get us back on track. In my defence I was very young and didn't know any better. I hope you can find some RL support, OP, but keep posting here.

Original poster

MarieGold · 05/08/2020 01:50

They’ve now arrested and interviewed him, and he’s been released on bail.

The officer said his story was ‘mostly consistent’ with mine but he did not admit to locking me in his flat. He didn’t admit to assaulting me but said we were ‘both shouting’ and ‘things got ugly’. I asked if he made any accusations about me which he hasn’t. I wasn’t allowed to hear every detail because I still haven’t given a statement myself. Apparently he was crying in interview and kept saying how much he loves me. I said they were crocodile tears and the officer said ‘they didn’t look like crocodile tears - he was really upset’.

I‘ve felt strong up until now but I’ve been crying most of the evening. I was expecting him to be angry and make a counter allegation so his responses have thrown me. I know it’s some sort of fucked trauma bond thing but all the love has come flooding back and I miss him. I want to shout at him ‘why did you have to do this to us?’

This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. There must be something very wrong with me. I always thought violence was my line, but here I am still missing him

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/08/2020 06:37

"Didn't look like crocodile tears"

Well of course not. They're meant to be convincing, aren't they? Otherwise there'd be no point to them and they'd be called obviously fake tears or something. Rather unhelpful of the officer to become your ex's flying monkey like that. It's possible he was genuinely upset, true, but that would be because he's lost you and all the benefits you gave him, not because he's remorseful or thinking about anyone but himself.

Still, it's illuminating how your ex sees the incident. In his mind, it's very balanced. An argument, faults on both sides, because whatever he did was your fault, you drove him to it. He hasn't acknowledged any imbalance of power, any reasonable fear on your part, or any unreasonable behaviour on his part.

Yep, it's definitely good he's an ex. You're right to have violence as your line in the sand, but that never means it doesn't hurt. That's just being human. It is gutting, that's understandable. But his behaviour has made the relationship impossible to continue. Stay strong, and stay away from him (and other people's reports of him where possible!) while you grieve the relationship's end. In a few weeks, you'll see more clearly what an escape it was.

GilbertMarkham · 05/08/2020 07:51

Rather unhelpful of the officer to become your ex's flying monkey like that. It's possible he was genuinely upset, true, but that would be because he's lost you and all the benefits you gave him, not because he's remorseful or thinking about anyone but himself.

This - what a stupid comment from the pc.

And of course they couldvd been real and he could've been truly upset; but not out of pity for you or true regret .. out of self pity, stress etc.

He took no responsibility in what he said to you after a debit sounds like he's still taking no responsibility from what he said in the interview, making out it was two-way, white washing it etc. "It got ugly" : no mate, you got ugly.

(Reminds me of "sorry it ended this way" instead of "sorry, I ended it this way .. sorry, I acted this way".

There are a lot of it's coming from him a x not much by way of "I".

Which no doubt is par for the course in this situation. If men like this could take real responsibility for themselves and their behaviour, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.

GilbertMarkham · 05/08/2020 07:53

it's illuminating how your ex sees the incident. In his mind, it's very balanced. An argument, faults on both sides, because whatever he did was your fault, you drove him to it. He hasn't acknowledged any imbalance of power, any reasonable fear on your part, or any unreasonable behaviour on his part.

Far more articulately put than my post!

GilbertMarkham · 05/08/2020 07:58

I always thought violence was my line, but here I am still missing him

Op this is one of the reasons many women apparently take up.to seven times to leave an abuser and stay left.

You have invested and attached emotionally, doesn't lots of time with him, bonded with him, had sex with him (oxytocin) and it takes a while (and involved some pain) for that to lessen, and for you gradually detach. It's the end of a relationship band that hurts no matter what.

You thought you were in s good relationship and he was a decent guy until that incident, you're probably still in a bit of shock, and the while thing (the trauma and the end of the relationship) is naturally going to be very upsetting and painful.

However you have seen what he is like now, what sides he has to him that you didn't know about before, what he is capable of ... And it's clear that for your mental health and physical safety, the only thing you can do is stay finished with him and recover.

GilbertMarkham · 05/08/2020 08:03

Please do tell people and get some support and company, you really need it at this time.

GilbertMarkham · 05/08/2020 08:07

You can't be one of the seven attempts to leave women btw .. this guy clearly has some psychosis; he could badly injure or kill you if goes into one of those episodes again (which seems pretty likely).

You've done exactly the right thing (and such a strong thing) in ending the relationship and reporting him, you should be very proud of yourself.

Dontknowwhyidoit · 05/08/2020 08:23

Please report this to the police so that it is recorded. He will do this again to you if you go back or to the next person's he has relationships with. If someone uses Claire law to see if he has been abusive in the past, it will come up and hopefully save someone else from being abused. I think once the shock has worn off, you should do whatever you need to remove all contact with him as he will try to play it down or get you to feel like you are also responsible. YOU ARE NOT, no one should ever stop you from leaving their property or physically restrain you, he has gone so far past the line of what is acceptable behaviour that it's a speck in the distance. Be kind to your self, think about what you would say to a friend this had happened to and say this to yourself. 💐💐

Dontknowwhyidoit · 05/08/2020 08:25

Sorry, I never read the whole thread, you have done the right thing reporting him.

firecracker69 · 05/08/2020 08:28

I'm shocked that the officer said he didn't think they looked like crocodile tears and that he looked really upset. Not very professional at all.

MsPavlichenko · 05/08/2020 08:31

The tears will be real. He will be feeling very very sorry for himself. This response is entirely predictable and to be honest the police should be aware of this.

How you feel is also normal, so don't be hard on yourself. Talk to WA if you can, and do look at the Freedom Programme

Goyle · 05/08/2020 08:38

I would give a statement. He assaulted you and if the police secure a conviction on your evidence you might prevent another woman from the same thing in the future.

Thesheerrelief · 05/08/2020 08:51

You're missing the version of him that you thought existed. Now you now there is this whole other element that makes up part of who he is. It's normal to grieve, plus you've had a serious shock. Even if he had made false statements about you cheating etc nothing excuses his actions. He may well love you but his love is dangerous and frightening and hurtful. You've done so well and I know it hurts now. Be gentle with yourself

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