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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner attacked me today

159 replies

MarieGold · 30/07/2020 18:09

NC. He's always been very gentle and caring. He was the last person I imagined would hurt me. I tried to call Women's Aid but I can't get through.

It was like he became another person. I couldn't believe what was happening. I still can't.

We don't live together so I'm home now and safe. I'm struggling not to blame myself (did I drive him to it?) and wonder if there's any way back (I know there isn't). Ironically I wish he had his arms around me now. I never imagined he could do this. I really love(d) him.

How can I process this and stay strong? Sad

OP posts:
Requinblanc · 30/07/2020 20:39

Never blame yourself for somebody's else random violence.

Report the creep to the police and kick him out of your life.

Everything you have written has red flags all over the place. The guy sounds like he is insecure and can't control his anger. He will do it again. Don't give him the chance.

backseatcookers · 30/07/2020 21:07

@saltycat

I think we all think we know everything.

It is up to OP to take advice or not.

Apologies if I angered anyone..

No, most of us really don't think we know everything. Which is why we are able to speak to women like OP with empathy and kindness instead of dishing out orders like a manager. Threads like this aren't for entertainment, they are a source of support for people. If you don't like how a thread is going then (like the ones you mentioned) then nobody is forcing you to read on.
Chameleon2003 · 30/07/2020 21:20

Many years ago I reported an attack to the police - it was by a stranger.

They asked me to visit the GP to have the bruising documented on my records in case they ever caught him.

Would this be something you could do in case you needed proof at a later date?

Very sorry that this has happened to you.

DoWahDiddy · 30/07/2020 21:33

I experienced a lot of abuse in childhood so I find it difficult to spot as an adult. I tend to think, oh, it wasn't that bad.

This is what you need to work on , IMHO. I'm in the same boat. Create boundaries of what is and what's not acceptable. It may hurt going over past experiences and realising to what extent you was abused, but your future will be better for it.

Welshgal85 · 30/07/2020 21:55

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, you must have been very scared. I’m so glad that you had a friend for support, please do not feel that you are a burden, how would you feel if a friend was coming to you having experienced the same thing? I’m sure you would be glad to support them.

I understand that you don’t feel able to report it to the police, please do bear it in mind though, especially if your ex does try to contact you. I would definitely recommend that you continue to get support from other places though including your friends and Women’s Aid.

MulticolourMophead · 30/07/2020 21:56

OP, so sorry you've had to deal with all this. Thanks Glad you're home safe, now.

You might decide to contact the police at some point. I would reckon it's worth taking plenty of pictures of the injuries now, so they're timestamped.

If you can't face contacting the police, perhaps try getting the injuries seen by a doctor/nurse, so it's on your records.

GilbertMarkham · 30/07/2020 22:18

sorry it ended like this

Not "sorry I did that to you, sorry I ended it like this" ..

Very little responsibility taken there at all .. and for a sustained violent attack, and he even chased you when you got away.

I'm not sure what the story is with the exes he's friendly-ish with but I'd be very very surprised if he hadn't done anything similar before.

The exes may just happen not to be women he attacked, there could be others he did.

The disclosure is flawed be sued so many women don't report, fir many varied reasons,some of which you're demonstrating.

As to reporting, I'm sorry the police did nothing before, could you report through women's aid perhaps? They have an online chat service as well as the number.

And fwiw, of a woman cane to me in any capacity re violence and I realised it was a second or more time; I wouldn't think she was "one of those types", if think it was just a symptom of how incredibly common relationship violence, esp.men Vs women (and men who.are paranoid, jealous, possessive etc) are. I've seen and heard plenty of it, that's all I'd think.

GilbertMarkham · 30/07/2020 22:20

If you can't face contacting the police, perhaps try getting the injuries seen by a doctor/nurse, so it's on your records

This too.

And op, it's entirety up to you if and when you want to report .. but what strikes me is that there may have been no history of his to disclose because the previous woman/en dud not report ... And now there'll continue to be no history of his to disclose if you don't, in spite of him being capable of this level and type of violence (and unlawful imprisonment really) of a partner.

Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 22:23

Thank you for your kindness. I don’t have the energy to reply to you all at the moment (post adrenaline tiredness has hit me I think) but I am reading and very grateful.

@DoWahDiddy I’m sorry you’re experiencing similar. I started trauma therapy a couple of months ago and am making a lot of progress. So far I’m coping much better with this than I would have done earlier on in the year.

I will think again about going back to the police tomorrow, when I’m feeling a bit more with it. I’m feeling very sad right now as we were supposed to be spending the next few days together, but I’ve spoken to a friend over the phone and feel less alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 22:26

*Not "sorry I did that to you, sorry I ended it like this" ..

Very little responsibility taken there at all .. and for a sustained violent attack, and he even chased you when you got away.*

That was my first thought when I read it. He also said he wished I could have been more honest with him, suggesting he still believes I said XYZ to my friends and cheated on him. I took it to mean that he felt his actions were justified.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 31/07/2020 01:50

For your own protection, think about sending a reply to the email asking why he did it. Be very specific in the details of what he did, ie like you in the flat, forcibly hold you down, the crazy accusations, only letting you go when you called the police, the fact that you have bruises and marks from the force he used.

Hopefully he will reply to the email, and as long as he doesn't outright deny it you will have evidence of his behaviour.

What you do with it is then up to you. Whether you choose to go to the police or not is up to you. But just in case he doesn't leave you alone, and starts to harass you, this email chain could help you get help from the police if you NEED it faster than can sometimes happen.

Hairthrowaway · 31/07/2020 02:01

In the nicest way possible, if you don’t involve the police there is absolutely nothing stopping him from stalking you or attacking you in your home in the future. His behaviour can continue to escalate even though he sent that email to you. You’re most at risk when you try to leave an abusive relationship, you’re not in the clear yet. Protect yourself

Coyoacan · 31/07/2020 03:00

I just wanted to say, OP, I'm so glad you got away. You might find the Freedom Programme would help you to see the red flags before it gets to this point. AFAIK it is either very affordable or free.

Aknifewith16blades · 31/07/2020 09:46

OP he sounds like a very dangerous man.

I am really impressed with how honest and sensible your first post is. You are seeing things for what they are, you looked after yourself, you are aware of your feelings.

I'm sure you know what your options are re: police/ Women's Aid/ GP. Whatever you decide, you are doing a good job of dealing with this (although I'm so sorry you have to). I am in awe of your boundaries.

Keep away from him and keep it up.

Original poster
MarieGold · 31/07/2020 09:50

I’ve had another call from the police. I’ve agreed to go to the station shortly.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarieGold · 31/07/2020 09:51

I’m really nervous. My previous dealing with the police have been awful.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 31/07/2020 10:36

I'm hoping you have a better experience with the police this time. Even if nothing comes of it, even if they just shrug and put it on record, you will know that YOU did everything you could. You talked to them while it was fresh, whilst you still bore the marks. They will have a record of you having called them whilst it was all going on.

All small things if nothing more comes of it. But all things that could help another woman in the same circumstances. And hopefully it will help you to recover.

What a bastard. Sounds as though he has his own demons and they were just waiting for an opportunity to put in an appearance. At least they did so now, and now five years down the line when children, a house and entwined finances were involved. You can make a clean break.

Deathraystare · 31/07/2020 11:09

Good luck MarieGold.

One good thing is that you are not living with the bastard! Please do not take him back. He will NOT improve. No matter how much he begs. You deserve much much better.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 31/07/2020 11:52

Good luck OP, I hope this time round your experience of the police if better.

backseatcookers · 31/07/2020 13:08

Thinking of you OP Thanks

GilbertMarkham · 31/07/2020 13:18

Fair play to you op Flowers.

And what he said about how he wished you couldd have been honest - fucking hell.

So he's blaming you for being violent towards you, he's a lost cause.

And incidentally, even if you had told people you didn't care about him or even if you had cheated on him, that wouldn't give him the right to assault you violently.

But the fact that he was insisting you confess to/agree with paranoid, untrue accusations ... He's fkg bonkers.

Original poster
MarieGold · 31/07/2020 14:09

I’ve just got back. I feel worn out. It’s horrible doing that to the person you love... oh wait (!) Still, I feel very sad that he’s got an unpleasant few days ahead of him. We should have been sitting in the sun today.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarieGold · 31/07/2020 14:10

@GilbertMarkham

Thank you. I’m so blind to these things when it comes to my own life. I actually asked the police officer - in tears - ‘is it really that bad?’

Thank you everyone, reading through your posts is amazingly helpful.

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 31/07/2020 14:16

You’re so brave, well done Flowers

One of my biggest regrets is not finding the courage to go to the police, over the next 6 years he got worse and worse and I’m still so cross with myself that he never paid for his actions.
Do you have anyone you can be with irl?

LaurieFairyCake · 31/07/2020 14:21

Well done and take care Thanks