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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner attacked me today

159 replies

MarieGold · 30/07/2020 18:09

NC. He's always been very gentle and caring. He was the last person I imagined would hurt me. I tried to call Women's Aid but I can't get through.

It was like he became another person. I couldn't believe what was happening. I still can't.

We don't live together so I'm home now and safe. I'm struggling not to blame myself (did I drive him to it?) and wonder if there's any way back (I know there isn't). Ironically I wish he had his arms around me now. I never imagined he could do this. I really love(d) him.

How can I process this and stay strong? Sad

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2020 14:30

but I don't want to burden people with it
Please do burden them. If you were my friend then I would want to do everything I could to help you.

Well done on speaking to the Police. That must have been hard considering your past experience.

Reach out to friends and family.
Get some love and support around you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

BurtsBeesKnees · 31/07/2020 14:39

Your experience op is what ended my marriage. He also locked me in the house with wild accusations of me cheating on him (I hadn't). I ended up having to ring the police from an upstairs phone without him knowing. The police turned up and tbh I think that's the only way it would have stopped him.

He ended up being cautioned and our relationship ended that day. I genuinely believe he had some sort of psychotic episode, he was on AD and started suffering from anxiety. But no excuse, I always said that if a man attacked me, for any reason it would end the relationship. And it did

I hope you're feeling better soon and so talk to people about it, it helps

Original poster
MarieGold · 31/07/2020 15:08

@BurtsBeesKnees

I genuinely believe he had some sort of psychotic episode, he was on AD and started suffering from anxiety.

Yes, this is what I wondered too. I didn't recognise him. It was a sudden change, a strange look in his eyes. Then the ramblings of a madman. He said he had 'known' all along and had been waiting for me to be honest with him, as well as all the stuff about how he 'knew' I'd told x y z person that I didn't love him. He had well and truly lost control. I'm sorry you went through this too. Fortunately for me the adrenaline/shock was so strong that I didn't really feel anything other than a burning desire to escape. It was only when I got out that the fear hit me.

I don't have any family and my closest friend is shielding with her family. Another close friend has just lost her dad so I don't feel right talking to her about this right now. I might start to tell other friends over the coming days but I'm not close enough to them for them to know what to do or say IYSWIM. So I'm grateful I've been able to talk here.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 31/07/2020 15:13

Please make sure you're safe now you've reported him op, would he turn up at your place if he can't get you on phone etc. Could someone stay with you or could you stay elsewhere?

He sounds crazy.

rainbowlou · 31/07/2020 15:18

My ex sounds so similar, he would invent the most ridiculous scenarios up in his head and wind himself up with them, convinced it was the absolute truth.
Once at a works Christmas do, I went to the toilet and just happened to walk down the stairs at the same time as his boss..he was convinced we had orchestrated the whole thing to sneak out for sex and he didn’t stop berating me all night over it, he even threatened to ask the hotel for cctv!
Another time I had an emergency operation and he demonstrated how close the surgeon’s hands would have been to be able to touch me, let alone the fact I had no bra on, we must have been up for it 🙄
It’s exhausting, it drags you down and makes you want to admit to things you’ve not done just to shut him up.
Stay strong op, you’re worth so much more

Coyoacan · 31/07/2020 18:59

Talking about paranoia, a friend of mine went to a concert with her bf and he beat her up on the way home because he was convinced that when she went to the toilet she had actually snuck out to have sex with some random in the back alley. Said bf was a heavy user of cocaine.

firecracker69 · 31/07/2020 19:31

Well done for speaking to the police. I know how very hard it must have been, it took great courage. I hope you can find the strength to speak to your friends, in the days to come. Talking really does help make sense of it all. We're here for you. ThanksThanksThanks

Welshgal85 · 31/07/2020 22:12

Well done for today, that must have been very hard indeed. Hope you’re okay as can be given the circumstances, atleast it’s done now. Sending you lots of love

Guiltypleasures001 · 31/07/2020 22:31

Hi op

I know it's hard to believe he's abusive, but it's like sleep walking in this kind of relationship. It's not until someone points out the different dots, that you begin to join them up.

PurpleFlower1983 · 31/07/2020 23:31

Write it all down OP and read it over and over. He will beg and grovel. Walk away, please Flowers

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/08/2020 00:22

Oops sorry posted that comment on the wrong thread
Apologies

timeisnotaline · 01/08/2020 00:29

It’s very brave of you op, you should be proud of yourself.
I wouldn’t dwell too much on the psychotic episode idea, even if it was he’s hardly desperately apologising for his actions, seems quite comfortable with them afterward.

Dontaskmegoogleit · 01/08/2020 02:01

@MarieGold "Part of the reason I started this thread was to enable me to look back at it when I felt myself slipping"
I'm with you on this one, I'm going to try and use my post to reflect.

anonanonandanon · 01/08/2020 02:50

Please don’t let him worm his way in

I am currently in an abusive relationship and it has destroyed my life. He will do it again and each time he does he will blame you more and more, it wasn’t anything you did. Stay safe OP. Hugs xx

hammie46i · 01/08/2020 03:47

Well done OP. I am amazed at your courage and clarity.

I've been in an abusive relationship and went back a few times. On the last time, what helped me was making a long list of all his misdeeds and reading it everyday to remind myself of what an absolute shit he was, no excuses for it. It worked and I broke free.

Lookyloo · 01/08/2020 04:13

It was a sudden change, a strange look in his eyes. Then the ramblings of a madman.

This is what I experienced too. Like a demon had possessed him - whiskey in his case. It's crazy, but the craziest thing is that the cunts can easily murder you in that state.

Original poster
MarieGold · 01/08/2020 09:13

It hit me this morning that he locked me in his flat and held me down. I had said, ‘Do you want me to start shouting?’ and his response was, ‘Shout all you like. Nobody will hear you.’

I don’t think I’d appreciated until now how disturbing that is. What was he going to do to me? I didn’t know him at all.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/08/2020 09:17

It is scary that someone can still be so unknown after a year and a half together. It's good in a way that he's shown you so clearly now who he is.

firecracker69 · 01/08/2020 09:44

It must have been so terrifying. Thank good you got away and are safe. And now, you're dealing with the aftermath.... the trauma. It's just soul destroying when you discover the man you love seems to be a complete stranger.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/08/2020 10:24

All these men who have a thing about their partners having sex with other men - it just shows that they don't love you. They want to possess you and control you. To them, sex is a way of demonstrating ownership - that is why they fixate on sex with other men. To them it means that another man has shown that HE owns you, and it's kind of a locking of horns between males.

They may as well piss on you and say 'she smells of me now, she's mine.'

Joistlooking · 01/08/2020 10:33

The fact that he locked you in then chased you down the street is what distutbed me when I first read your post . Now, on top of that he points out that no one would hear you shouting. This man is terrifying. I am relieved that you did report it to the police as this attack will now be in record. There are good men out there, just live your life and he will turn up Flowers

howfarwevecome · 01/08/2020 10:44

Please please please make a formal report to the police. At least get it on record.

So when ...not it, when ... he does it again to someone else, it will be there.

Original poster
MarieGold · 02/08/2020 10:29

The police are putting some pressure on me to give a statement. Does anybody have experience of this and what the pros/cons might be?

I asked them to explain Clare’s Law to me and they said that this sort of thing won’t necessarily be disclosed unless he is charged. I asked about cautions and they said they don’t really give cautions in cases such as these. I asked if this meant that when I requested Clare’s Law information on him, there may well have been incidents but they were unable to disclose them. He said yes.

My head is all over the place. I don’t want to ruin his life. But at the same time, I have no idea who he really is or what he’s capable of. I’ve been sleeping with a hammer by my bed and something in front of the door to alert me if he tries to come in. It occurred to me that while I’ve never given a set of keys to him, he’s been out with my keys when going shopping etc. and has had ample opportunity to have a set cut himself.

OP posts:
TimelyManor · 02/08/2020 10:47

I don’t want to ruin his life.

Only he is responsible for his actions.

Please get your locks changed if you can, you will feel safer.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/08/2020 11:05

Totally understand that you don’t want ruin his life. But... he could ruin many other women’s lives.
It has to be up to you though.
Make the decision for you.
Not him.