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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner attacked me today

159 replies

MarieGold · 30/07/2020 18:09

NC. He's always been very gentle and caring. He was the last person I imagined would hurt me. I tried to call Women's Aid but I can't get through.

It was like he became another person. I couldn't believe what was happening. I still can't.

We don't live together so I'm home now and safe. I'm struggling not to blame myself (did I drive him to it?) and wonder if there's any way back (I know there isn't). Ironically I wish he had his arms around me now. I never imagined he could do this. I really love(d) him.

How can I process this and stay strong? Sad

OP posts:
BrowncoatWaffles · 30/07/2020 18:59

I went to a friend's house afterwards and she drove me home. I considered calling another friend but I don't want to burden people with it.

@MarieGold Please please don't think you were burdening someone with this. If you were my friend and this happened I'd be round in a heartbeat. I'm sure if this happened to one of your friends you'd do the same.

Please get someone with you in RL, we're all here but it's not quite the same. You're in shock and you need support while you figure out what you want to do next.

Flowers
Opentooffers · 30/07/2020 19:07

This man has deep seated insecurity and paranoia unfortunately. There is nothing you can do about it, it's likely a permanent flaw in his personality that, by his age, is not likely to get any better. Given the time you've been together, I'd guess it's got worse because he doesn't have ability to process deep feelings about you in the usual way. Instead of feelings of warmth and caring, love for him inspires fear of loss, to the point of imagining events that haven't happened. Probably, deep rooted from his childhood.
Best you can do is cut contact and keep your distance, don't spend the rest of your life trying to convince him of your loyalty, he'll never be satisfied.

DramaAlpaca · 30/07/2020 19:10

I'm sorry this happened to you. You're getting some wise advice on here. Please stay safe Flowers

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 30/07/2020 19:13

Please report it, it might add to a file of evidence the police already have on this man. I would also ask to use Claire's law to see if he has been reported before. You must be so shaken up.

30julytoday · 30/07/2020 19:14

Not that this Changes anything that previous posters have said and the action you have taken to exit yourself immediately ...stay away

Just a thought More on the why did he suddenly turn on you....
...does he have any history of mental issues illness...this seems like classic “othello syndrome” that’s been building up for a while. Jealousy, belief in something that is not true (unusual beliefs), saying you said things ( hearing voices)....maybe he’s having a psychotic episode?

Maybe Have a read up on internet and see what you think?

Not that any GP or anyone would then listen to you raise concerns...tried that with my husband’s GP and was ignored till we ended up in A&E. Actually very hard to spot that someone is in early phase of psychotic episode.

Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 19:14

This man has deep seated insecurity and paranoia unfortunately. Yes! This is what I've suspected for a long time. His childhood was also abusive. But why with me? He's still friends with several exes on facebook, so I assume he didn't attack them...

By the way, I blocked him on everything when I was at my friend's house. He sent me a very sad, slightly odd email a couple of hours ago (I can't block emails) where he seems to accept it's over and was "sorry it ended like this". I think there will be more in time.

I understand why I should report it to the police but when I reported another domestic violence related incident to them, they didn't do anything. I don't want to be "that" woman who is always reporting these kinds of things, which I know is silly.

OP posts:
mummyofgirls123 · 30/07/2020 19:14

This is the start of the abuse.. Please do not go back to him. He's left marks on you, what's he going to do next time, black eyes perhaps??
You should of spoke to the police and got him arrested.
Your in shock now, but I hope you'll be ok. Try and get some sleep tonight op. Thanks

Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 19:17

Re Clare's Law... I actually did this with him because of being in an abusive relationship previously. They said there wasn't anything relevant to disclose. I know I should report this so that a future girlfriend could use it but I don't think I can put myself through the process with the police again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 19:20

@30julytoday that's really interesting, thank you. I will do some more reading on this as it does seem to fit, although not so extreme. But perhaps it would have become more extreme.

OP posts:
saltycat · 30/07/2020 19:23

This reply has been deleted

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TwentyViginti · 30/07/2020 19:30

@saltycat how dare you dictate to OP like that? YOU leave the thread if you don't like it.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/07/2020 19:32

@saltycat

I am going to be hard hearted here now OP.

Leave or leave the thread. I realise you need support but your first port of call is the police, and take it from there.

Easy for me to say I know. They have you in a vice grip.

What the fuck?? Back off!
backseatcookers · 30/07/2020 19:32

@saltycat

I am going to be hard hearted here now OP.

Leave or leave the thread. I realise you need support but your first port of call is the police, and take it from there.

Easy for me to say I know. They have you in a vice grip.

Leave him or leave the thread?!

Who do you think you are speaking like that to OP when her only lifeline might be this thread considering she is vulnerable and already feels (wrongly) like a burden to people she knows.

Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 19:33

your first port of call is the police

No, it's not. The last time I checked I'm not duty-bound to report an assault to the police. In an ideal world I would feel able to report it to the police and the police would do something about it. However, this is not my experience.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 30/07/2020 19:34

@MarieGold

your first port of call is the police

No, it's not. The last time I checked I'm not duty-bound to report an assault to the police. In an ideal world I would feel able to report it to the police and the police would do something about it. However, this is not my experience.

Damn right. Ignore that very weird person!
saltycat · 30/07/2020 19:35

TwentyViginti

I meant no disrespect. Just sometimes these threads go on and on and on and the OP doesn't take any notice of our well meaning advice.

I do understand that they can be traumatised and it is a good place to vent, but honestly, if someone hit me, well there are two choices, report to police or carry on.

Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 19:36

sometimes these threads go on and on and on

Don't read them then.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 30/07/2020 19:38

No one has to take anyone's advice on MN.

Original poster
MarieGold · 30/07/2020 19:44

@saltycat

I don't really understand what you're saying. I did leave him and every reply is valuable to me. Part of the reason I started this thread was to enable me to look back at it when I felt myself slipping but also, importantly, for a reality check as I'm struggling to process what has happened. I'm very much taking everyone's advice on board.

OP posts:
saltycat · 30/07/2020 19:53

I think we all think we know everything.

It is up to OP to take advice or not.

Apologies if I angered anyone..

giletrouge · 30/07/2020 20:13

saltycat you may have had the best of intentions but you undermined a woman reaching out for support.
OP you sound like you're doing great. Take care of yourself, and keep talking here if you need to, and ignore what isn't helpful, it's all a bit random and you can't know what's gonna turn up on your thread. I know how hard it is when you're vulnerable to have the appropriate boundaries with stuff - you actually sound like you're a pretty sussed woman. Doesn't mean you don't need to reach out, does it? Flowers

Bateshotel · 30/07/2020 20:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TellySavalashairbrush · 30/07/2020 20:21

I feel for you op. I also wanted to say be prepared for him to bombard you within the next few days/weeks to reconsider and take him back. Talking from bitter experience it won’t be easy and that’s why it’s important to strengthen your boundaries by getting the support of friends or family. As painful as it may be you need to block him and ignore. He’ll promise you the earth, but he’ll never ever change. Take care op.

2bazookas · 30/07/2020 20:24

Please call the police and make a formal report of what happened.

If there are any further threats  you may need to obtain a restraining order to keep him away from you, so its important to have an official record of  abuse.
beautifulxdisasters · 30/07/2020 20:29

@saltycat Have you actually even read the OP's posts before trotting out your unnecessarily "hard hearted" advice? She has left him! She doesn't have to go to the police just because you say so, who on earth do you think you are?

OP I hope you are ok Flowers Don't be afraid to speak to your friends if you need some real life support - I'm sure if one of your friends was in this situation you'd want to help as much as possible - I know I would.