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Original poster

My husband telling my lovers wife about us

234 replies

flyingcheese · 30/07/2020 12:02

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/07/2020 21:13

@rebbonk

Your husband is a spiteful pr*ck. Dump him and move on.
I dont know how you've come to that conclusion
Oopsiedaisyy · 30/07/2020 21:15

When my husband found out, he had no interest on telling the man's wife, although he never had enough information to do so.

Pebblexox · 30/07/2020 21:19

Your husband is a spiteful pr*ck. Dump him and move on.
^^
Really? He's the prick?
I'm baffled by that response.
If I was the wife, I'd want to know. Yes your husband probably isn't considering telling her for her benefit, but honestly he wouldn't be a terrible human to do so either. She deserves to know her husband is a lying piece of shit.

Crankley · 30/07/2020 21:22

They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now.

I laughed out loud when I read that. You must be very gullible to believe that old chestnut.

As for your DH, I think he should tell the wife - why should she be the only one not to know and she will need your details if/when she divorces her cheating scumbag for adultery.

MajesticWhine · 30/07/2020 21:24

Tell the OH that your husband might do this. Then he has the choice of spilling the beans himself and managing the situation a bit better.
It's really not a good idea for your husband to tell her, but still, I guess he's hurting and he will do it if he wants to. Not with good intentions though I guess. Just to cause some pain to someone else.

savetheusername · 30/07/2020 21:49

@JingsMahBucket @ShagMeRiggins The fiction wasn't in what I wrote it was pretty obvious. Also, there is no excuse for affairs, they are dishonest and make a complete mockery out of someone else's life, and the children are always affected. If you want to shag outside the marriage be honest about it, give the other parties a chance to make decisions about their life based on the reality of the situation not an incorrect belief. There really is no excuse or reason you could dream up which would make it all okay.

Dashel · 30/07/2020 22:02

If my DH had an affair I would want to know so we could separate and move on. I would rather know sooner so I would have spent less time with someone I should’ve be wasting time on

savetheusername · 30/07/2020 22:17

OP i think tell Other Man that your DH wants to tell Other Man's wife, and that Other Man should tell her first and give Other Man a period of time to do it. It would be better for Other Man's wife if it came from Other Man. This is based on what you have said, though, and if you have left out key details or manipulated the facts, that might not apply.

tinyvulture · 31/07/2020 01:08

It’s impossible to answer this without knowing the people. I vaguely knew my ex-husband was having affairs, but it was a shit marriage anyway so I didn’t entirely blame him, and I am always grateful that I was spared the details. It is probably one of the (various) factors that helps us to be good friends now we are apart.

However, that is an unusual situation and I am sure most people wouldn’t think like this.

Just don’t think anyone can answer this question - who can predict the future?

Pixxie7 · 31/07/2020 01:29

Like many other posters I would want to know, but not sure it’s your husbands place to tell her. How did it end was it you or him?

user1481840227 · 31/07/2020 04:37

@JacobReesMogadishu

So not only have you cheated on your dh but you’ve dropped your ex lover in it. Why did you tell your dh his name? Pretty shitty behaviour all round.
Very strange logic that telling her husband his name that it somehow made what she did worse. Maybe her husband insisted on knowing who the guy was as most people would when find out they were cheated on.

OP. I would definitely want to know if I was the wife.

WeMarchOn · 31/07/2020 04:57

Is this a reverse post?

londonscalling · 31/07/2020 07:31

She may not want to know, but she should know.

Alsohuman · 31/07/2020 08:05

@londonscalling

She may not want to know, but she should know.
Why? Who decided that the poor woman not only has to be cheated on but have her nose rubbed in it against her will? I wouldn’t want to know and would definitely shoot the messenger if someone told me. When did it become acceptable to interfere in strangers’ marriages? One violation is enough.
ravenmum · 31/07/2020 10:54

We don't know what would be against her will. She may really want to know, as I did.

Bad consequences of not telling her:
for her --> her husband might keep on having affairs, she might catch something without knowing and not be properly treated; might only find out about the cheating after she has e.g. put money into a new house or business venture with him, or had another child with him.
for OP's husband --> potentially having to see them supposedly happy, while he feels awful

Bad consequences of telling her
for her --> she might have preferred to remain ignorant, and feel bad that she now has to face up to the truth.
for OP's husband --> she might shoot the messenger, he might feel guilty

Cheeseandwin5 · 31/07/2020 10:56

@rebbonk
Your husband is a spiteful prck. Dump him and move on.*

Yes how dare he be upset that is wife has been cheating on him and their DC.

To be fair I am pretty sure this is a comment from a troll , but I will bite as sadly there are alot of Mns who can only see one gender as being the problems.

Alsohuman · 31/07/2020 11:00

Bad consequences of not telling her:
for her --> her husband might keep on having affairs, she might catch something without knowing and not be properly treated; might only find out about the cheating after she has e.g. put money into a new house or business venture with him, or had another child with him.
for OP's husband --> potentially having to see them supposedly happy, while he feels awful

None of which is any of the cuckolded husband’s business. And it’s not why he wants to tell her. He just wants to shit stir.

Porcupineinwaiting · 31/07/2020 13:31

Her husband made it his business when he fucked the OP Alsohuman. It would be very comfortable for adulterers to think their relationship has nothing to do with their spouses but that isnt the care.

Porcupineinwaiting · 31/07/2020 13:31

case

Lacey2019 · 31/07/2020 14:24

I would want to know. If you are willing to have an affair, then you are willing for your partner to find out. She has a right to know and I would be packing his bags for him!. Sorry to be harsh, I just find it so sad people do it

Alsohuman · 31/07/2020 14:45

@Porcupineinwaiting

Her husband made it his business when he fucked the OP Alsohuman. It would be very comfortable for adulterers to think their relationship has nothing to do with their spouses but that isnt the care.
Yes, his marriage is his business. The other guy’s marriage is nothing to do with him. He just wants to make someone else feel as bad as he does, there’s no concern about that poor bloody woman whatsoever.
Floridarev · 31/07/2020 15:01

Praying for you and your husband for complete healing and reconciliation. Grateful that you're getting counseling. Your marriage is precious. Do everything you can to save it and make it fulfilling and fruitful. Don't settle for an ok marriage. God wants you to have an amazing marriage, and my guess is that you can have that with your husband, but it will take hard work. That hard work is totally worth it.

Personally, I think the best approach is to allow your husband to do what he thinks best in this situation. I'd tell him "I love you and I stand by you." By doing that, it doesn't mean you agree with everything he does or says. But it confirms your loyalty to him, which is crucial at this time. It also is your way of honoring him, and by honoring him, you're honoring the Lord.

The basic principle of making the truth known to select individuals is certainly a biblical one. Jesus said, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." By telling the wife, your husband is giving her the choice of forgiving and reconciling with the unfaithful husband, or divorcing him (both would be biblical responses in this situation). I'd pray for the wife to receive the news with wisdom, and to make good choices based on the information. Pray for their marriage. The Lord wants them to have a great marriage too.

backseatcookers · 31/07/2020 15:14

To people saying he is only considering telling the husband out of spite. Don't forget how humiliating it is to find out your spouse has cheated on you and betrayed you - the emotional implications, the sexual health concerns, the fact you might make HUGE decisions (eg having a child with them) based on a lie... even if the motive is revenge, many people would rather know than not know.

Emeeno1 · 31/07/2020 15:19

They deserve the same right as you and your husband to know the truth and choose to separate or choose to reconcile.

What is a life lived if it hasn't truth?

ravenmum · 31/07/2020 15:28

The other guy’s marriage is nothing to do with him.
When you discover that your dp has been sleeping with other people, you discover that you are part of a big long chain of sexual disease transmission which you knew nothing about, but which is now very much part of your business.

OP's husband may want to lash out at the man involved in fucking up his life, sure. But he may also be imagining the unsuspecting wife being in the same dangerous position as he was - living her life and potentially making important decisions based on the belief that she is in a happy marriage, while her partner lets her get on with it, in full knowledge that her decisions may be really bad considering the true state of affairs.

I know women who gave up their jobs thinking they could be SAHMs, only to discover that their dh was having an affair and they should have kept their job. Women who moved town and then found themselves stranded there. I invested money in the house I was about to lose, and bought a dog thinking that I would not be the only one looking after it. Ignorance is not bliss; it can put you in some very uncomfortable positions.

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