My husband telling my lovers wife about us

[flyingcheese]

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

OP is not going to know how many affairs he has.

For what it's worth, I would want to know. I think his wife should know what is going on in her marriage. I think this is your husband's decision to make though.

Sorry this has happened. Everyone in Mumsnet is very pure and would never consider an affair. If he tells her it’s through spite and anger. Simple as that.

My friend found out her husband was having an affair because the messages he sent his lover got saved on the computer. She made sure her children read them - even the sexually explicit ones - they were 13 and 16!!
Affairs are awful and complicated but there is no need to make them worse.
He should leave her alone and you should tell your ex he needs to come clean.

You didn’t give a shit about her mental health when you were lay on your back getting shagged by him. So expressing concern now is a bit rich.

400 miles away? How is affair even possible? Was that an emotional affair?

I'm just thinking like someone mentioned, how it might affect her, especially mentally

NOW you're thinking about that?

Honestly, I don't think you get a say in what your husband does here. I do hope he tells her, like someone else said, should she find out that others knew before her, she will feel even worse.

I think you are more worried about discovering you've been fed a line about only being together for the kids than any consequences for his wife. Why did you decide to tell your h? Was it to hurt him or ease your conscience? Is it over?

You didn't care about her when you were screwing her husband so it's a bit late to care now. I also don't believe for a second your husband wants to tell her for her own sake. Do whatever the hell you want but stop pretending this is all about what's best for other people.

OP. Your lover has made his wife live a lie. Of course she should know.
However awful it is, people can handle the truth (unlike the film), even if they don't like it, because they know what they are dealing with.

I would not wish to know and I would probably get irrationally angry towards anyone who told me (unless it was my husband confessing personally, in which case I would get rationally angry at him).

It is highly likely that the wife has at least an inkling and it is up to her whether and when she wants to confront the thing head on.

Leave well alone would be my advice.

[quote Risotto4tea]**@cheeseandwin5* @backseatcookers*

My Ex didnt want to tell her cos he didnt want the whole town to know his business. That's his choice he had every right to tell her I never stopped him. I never said she was a horrible person or that she also wasnt cheating.[/quote]
Apologies if i was wrong but your phrase "the type of person to tell the whole town" felt very judgemental considering you were shagging her husband. That was why that comment got a reaction, it seemed to display a lack of self awareness on your part. I hope everyone involved is happier now and not too affected by the actions of those who cheated.

If I was the wife I’d be pissed off that you were trying to stick your nose in and decide if I’m too fragile to know or not. It’s two-faced bullshit, coming from the ow!

Good on your husband for telling her.

I'd want to know. As a pp said, better to find out via your husband than from a doctor at an STI clinic!
Also I believe that the truth will out - better now than at some undisclosed point in the future. Secrets are like unexploded bombs - if I was the wife I'd sooner be told now, when it has just happened, than have that bomb go off further down the line.

I think you and your husband should concentrate on your own marriage before you start trying to meddle in someone else's. Haven't you done enough to hurt their marriage by sleeping with the husband without your husband telling the wife?

@flyingcheese

OP you cannot tell your husband what he should do, you have no right, but if I were her although it would very painful I would prefer to know

I know, I'm not telling him what to do. I'm just asking if people were her if they would want to be told

Why is the OP addressing a post to the OP?

So not only have you cheated on your dh but you’ve dropped your ex lover in it. Why did you tell your dh his name? Pretty shitty behaviour all round.

Sock puppet name change fail?

of course she deserves to know so that she can chuck his cheating ass in the bin.

who wants a cheat ffs, they’re ten a penny

"They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now."

I feel a bit more sorry for you now if you're so naive you don't think every married person looking for a shag says this to potential affair partners...

@JacobReesMogadishu

Sock puppet name change fail?

I think she was quoting a pp

I wish someone had told me when my husband had an affair, I found out two years later! I agree with your husband the poor woman has the right to know!

Your husband is a spiteful pr*ck. Dump him and move on.

@ShagMeRiggins I know. This always happens with an affair thread. Posters sharpen their knives, stick the boot in, and project from here to the moon.

Good on your husband I'd tell the wife too then I'd pack your bags and wave you off

"I think that’s up to your husband not you. You have an affair, you deal with the consequences when it all comes out."

This. It's perfectly natural for your H to want to tell her and most (but not all) people in her shoes would want to know. Whatever the back story (and please bear in mind that people who cheat will come out with endless BS about their relationship because a person who doesn't share the daily grind with them looks shinier and newer than the partner who does), you and your affair partner really don't have a say in this - you forfeited your right to that by having the affair.

My DF had various affairs during my teenage years and it was very clear what was going on. The distraction. The unexplained absences. The moodiness. My mum's distress. Your AP's wife and DCs, if there are any, have been living with that. They have a right to know why.