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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband telling my lovers wife about us

234 replies

flyingcheese · 30/07/2020 12:02

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

OP posts:
uniglowooljumper · 30/07/2020 15:19

I think she has the right to know. I'd want to know.

Beautiful3 · 30/07/2020 15:24

Yes he should tell her.

Devlesko · 30/07/2020 15:27

He should tell her, she'll need to do a test as she doesn't know where else her dh or you have been.

WhatWillSantaBring · 30/07/2020 15:31

If there was no other connection between my DH and the OW, I would 100% not want to know. It would be different if the OW or the OW's DH were part of our social circle, or if multiple other people knew, but that doesn't sound like the case here. But I seem to be in a minority.

ravenmum · 30/07/2020 15:33

Oh, and I agree that "They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now." is likely to be news to the wife, whatever stories the OM has told. (My exh told the OW a whole bunch of porkies in his emails to her - e.g. that I was planning to move out and live in another country. Total invention.)

Choppedupapple · 30/07/2020 15:33

If you are only together for the children then your DH wouldn’t be reacting in this way. I think Tell your affair partner that your husband knows. It’s up to your DH what to do next.

Tootletum · 30/07/2020 15:38

Yes she has a right to know
If the guy is sleeping around she needs an Std check.

LonelyGir1 · 30/07/2020 15:44

None. Of. Your. Husband's. Business.

It's not his place to contact the woman.

ravenmum · 30/07/2020 15:47

Unfortunately, the person whose "place" it is to tell her, i.e. her husband, is strongly motivated to keep it a secret if he's been putting her sexual health at risk by sleeping with all and sundry.

Fleamaker123 · 30/07/2020 15:48

I'm going to be in the minority here... But I always remember years ago I was talking with friends about this scenario, and one friend said she would not want to know, if it had ended and it was over she would rather just not know. She had young children and wouldn't want her family life turned upside down. I've always remembered that.
OP, if you know her, would she want to know?

SassandBelle · 30/07/2020 15:51

She won't thank him for it. All it will do will destroy another life, but if he feels better for doing it that's on his conscience.

YouJustDoYou · 30/07/2020 15:54

Unfortunately, the person whose "place" it is to tell her, i.e. her husband, is strongly motivated to keep it a secret if he's been putting her sexual health at risk by sleeping with all and sundry

THIS

CeliaSeal · 30/07/2020 15:58

My husband had an affair. The woman's partner took it upon himself to inform me. He found out where I worked, phoned me there (fortunately I was unavailable and he left a message). Then he sent me emails and finally a letter. I have no idea what his motivation was, but it certainly did not appear to be concern for me. His involvement just added to my pain. This individual repeatedly attempting to insert himself into the most private corners of my life was horrendous.

I do think that the betrayed partner has a right to know an affair has happened. But revealing that information should be undertaken with great care.

Josette77 · 30/07/2020 16:04

So they are only together for the kids but you are worried about her mental health when she finds out? Why?

Also you said you should have thought about her mental health when your told your dh. Wrong, you should have thought about her mental health when you decided to have an affair with her husband.

VettiyaIruken · 30/07/2020 16:07

@AlternativePerspective

For those saying they would want to know, would you really want to be told by a man who just wanted to let her know that her husband had had an affair with his wife, but the wife came back to him instead so now she can have her husband back? Because that’s essentially what he would be doing.

This isn’t some altruistic act of someone who believes the wife should know, this is someone who wants to take revenge.

And for those slating the OP, while she’s in the wrong, if she’d come on here admitting that she was having an affair posters would tell her to tell her DH so he could make an informed decision about his marriage. She has done that and he has decided to work on the marriage with her.What she did in her marriage is irrelevant to those on here wanting to stick the boot in.

Yes. I wouldn't give a shit what his motivation was. I would want the facts, his reason for telling me wouldn't alter the fact my husband was a revolting toad with no respect for me and I needed to know that.
Chocolate1984 · 30/07/2020 16:08

Someone in my husbands work had an affair with a colleague. Everyone knew, but no one told his wife. We would see the wife at BBQs, all feel sorry for her, all agreed the husband was a dick but no one had the guts to tell her. When he decided to leave her for the affair partner the wife said she was “fine” about the affair but what hurt her most was that no one told her. Felt we allowed her to make a fool of herself thinking everything was ok with her husband.

I’d like to know if my husband had had an affair.

TheStuffedPenguin · 30/07/2020 16:09

I wish I had been told but the H of my ex H's OW wanted to "spare me the pain he felt" . I don't believe this as I think he just didn't want other people to know as they stayed together . It was another 2 years before I found out on the off chance .

ShagMeRiggins · 30/07/2020 16:13

You completely fabricated this BS out of your own head, especially the last three long run on sentences. Sheesh.

This was my exact thought, jings.

I realise affairs are a highly emotive subject, but savetheusername appears to be writing fan fiction. Hmm

Actually, as always with thread about affairs, the levels of projection would put Universal Studios to shame, the levels of supposition would put Poirot to shame, and the levels of nuance...might actually be welcome.

I’d be very interested in a MN thread that discussed affairs in a civil way. Bet it would be a great thread. It’ll never happen.

(Said by someone whose father had an affair, and the marriage not only lasted, but flourished. No rose-coloured glasses here, though—there was tremendous pain and confusion for all involved, including me.)

YouJustDoYou · 30/07/2020 16:14

No one bothered telling me when my husband was shagging around. As it was, they left me exposed to potential STIs, and the pain was just more intense because it wasn't until I finally found out on my own years later. I wish someone had told me.

VettiyaIruken · 30/07/2020 16:16

That's an important part isn't it, youjustdoyou?

Not wanting to know only works until your pee starts burning a hole in the loo and you have a frothy discharge. I'd rather be told by an angry husband than by a doctor at a clinic!

lilgreen · 30/07/2020 16:19

If I was your DH, I would too.

Elderflower14 · 30/07/2020 16:37

Good on your husband!!

Ablackrussian · 30/07/2020 16:43

Yes, I would want to know whether the Dick he was putting inside me was also going inside someone else.

For health reasons, if anything.

There are so many nasty diseases floating around.

One of my closest friends has AIDS. It's a fucking reality check.

And before you say, "but we used condoms"...save it..

NeutrinoWrangler · 30/07/2020 16:48

I don't think it's up to you to decide whether or not your husband should tell the other wife. If he wants to, he should. It's impossible to know all the results of telling her, of course, but I think people deserve to know the truth.

Her life has already been turned upside down; she just may not know it, yet.

ramarama · 30/07/2020 16:48

My ExH had an affair. I found out for myself a few months in. I would not necessarily have wanted anyone else to tell me besides him.

However, if he's having several affairs and her sexual health is at risk, then yes, she should know. If that's the case then your husband should contact her and you should stay out of it. She should not have to speak to you. Your husband should also prob warn the other guy matter of factly that he's going to do so, to give him a chance to do it himself first.

Onwards and upwards. Hope you and DH have success with your counselling.

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