My husband telling my lovers wife about us

[flyingcheese]

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

Sorry but you chose to have the affair. He gets to choose who he tells.

You seem to be asking: "is harm done if an affair is kept completely secret? '

Yes it is!

Even if you don't know that your spouse is having an affair - the fact it is happening is deeply damaging to your marriage. It is a cancer growing out of sight -dangerous, damaging and possibly fatal. The innocent party may be aware that something is wrong but perhaps not how serious it is - until too late.

You really don't come across very well in your posts, you seem very dismissive of the people you've hurt and only regret having it all come out in the open.

Always yes. It’s always bonkers on MN where people say not to tell the wife. Why should friends and family find out sometimes and not the wife until lasts. She’s done nothing wrong.

She has the right to know. Affairs happen. You are not the first and won't be the last. But it's not right. People get hurt. But you are human and if you are all in unhappy marriages then I understand abit why you've gone else wear. But now you have got to be honest all of you and sort it out.

My ExH didnt tell my APs DP. She found out later (few months) and was really angry that my ex hadn't told her. He didnt want everyone knowing about the affair and she was the type of person who told the whole town.

@SewingKit

I wouldn’t want to know personally.

Nor would I but we’re in a very tiny minority in MN land.

@Risotto4tea
and she was the type of person who told the whole town.

But not the type to cheat on her DH, so atleast better than 2 out of the four ppl directly involved.

I would want to know and agree she has a right to know and should be told.

Best practice is to keep your knickers on and don't shag someone else's husband, if you're unhappy get a divorce but don't wreck 2 marriages.

@Risotto4tea

My ExH didnt tell my APs DP. She found out later (few months) and was really angry that my ex hadn't told her. He didnt want everyone knowing about the affair and she was the type of person who told the whole town.

Yes what a terrible person...

My heart is breaking for the other women & her children. She deserves to know though.

@cheeseandwin5 @backseatcookers

My Ex didnt want to tell her cos he didnt want the whole town to know his business. That's his choice he had every right to tell her I never stopped him. I never said she was a horrible person or that she also wasnt cheating.

No I'd rather carry on with my cheating scumbag of a husband in blissful ignorance

Of course I'd want to know. As if finding out my DH has an affair wouldn't be horrific enough, imagine finding out much further down the line and learning that other people had known for a long time but didn't tell you 😢

Absolutely she should know !!!! Unbelievable question !!!!!

I think you have to let your husband do what he thinks is right. He’s the one on the receiving end. He’s saying he’d want to know. You’ve got to support his reaction and validate his feelings.

I never told the husband of ex's bit on the side. I wanted to, OMG I wanted to, but couldn't work out if I was doing it for the "in the dark" husband or for me to get revenge.

Since I couldn't work our if my reasons to tell him were honourable I decided not to tell him.

Even 5 years later I still haven't told the husband and still wonder occasionally if I should.

There isn't a right or wrong answer and to be honest think it's up to your husband not you.

My exh had an affair with a married woman.
The woman's husband found out, but didn't tell me.
As a result, I had 6 more months of my exh's gaslighting and general nastiness, and only worked out what was going on when I came across his email password and snooped.
Otherwise, I would have broken up with him thinking it was because of the things he was gaslighting me with - thinking that it was all my fault for being a dreadful person and terrible wife.
OW and her husband had no idea that I was being treated in this unpleasant way, as dh was lying to her too, about what was going on at home.

You don't know if the other spouse's mental health will be negatively or positively affected by knowing.

OK then (sorry for the thread hijack) have I done the wrong thing, should I tell him now 18 months on?

The spiteful part of me really wants to hurt her for all the pain she (and my husband) have caused, but I don't think spite is a good decision-making tool. I also still don't want lots of people to know and I don't want to jeopardise the good relationship my husband has with our young adult kids or the progress we have made together to move on.

I'd want to know. Then I can choose what I want to do about it.

I'd let your DH tell her - not you. It will look spiteful coming from you.

Suggest your DH writes down what he wants to say and not deviate as speculation worsens a situation. I'd want to know the facts - when/where/with whom. I'd want to have this info to face my cheating partner with.

Then... leave well alone - Change phone numbers/block them both.

I think the saying deserves to know is somewhat misleading. Her husband should do the descent thing and own up and confess. Let her chose whether she wants to stay or leave.

He’s already pissed about behind her back so the very least he could do for his wife is to ask her whether she wants to continue.

But clearly he’s not man enough to do that so she’s going to find out in an even worse way. Confessing once you’ve been caught isn’t ‘courageous’. There’s nothing left to say.

At least if someone owns up to an affair on their own ‘merrit’ without promoting, they have been more truthful than someone that’s been backed in to a corner to confess.

I think she deserves to know what a selfish man she’s married to.

She has a right to know.

She needs to be able to protect her sexual health.

She needs to be allowed to decide whether she wants to continue to be in a relationship with this man. It shouldn't be his choice as to whether or not the relationship continues.

As ppl have very differing views, it seems a moot point about how the OM's DH will react.
The OP told her husband, because either she wanted him to know or felt he had a right to know or that she felt he wanted to know.
In actual fact she may not have really know what he wanted.
This being the case I don't think it is fair or right to with hold information unless you have been specifically told to.

@Risotto4tea

My Ex didnt want to tell her cos he didnt want the whole town to know his business. That's his choice he had every right to tell her I never stopped him. I never said she was a horrible person or that she also wasnt cheating.

Apologies if I misread it, but your last line in the initial, did read like you were being very condescending.