Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

My husband telling my lovers wife about us

234 replies

flyingcheese · 30/07/2020 12:02

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

OP posts:

FlamedToACrisp · 30/07/2020 12:34

I would want to know.

The relationship with you may have ended, but that merely creates a vacancy. He'll find someone else.

Badbadbunny · 30/07/2020 12:35

They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now

That's what he's told you!

grey12 · 30/07/2020 12:37

I would want to know, and I would tell if I was in your husband's shoes

Ilovethewild · 30/07/2020 12:37

Have you considered you may have to own up to her also as evidence of his affair, otherwise it could be considered malicious information. Are you willing to do that?

BigBadVoodooHat · 30/07/2020 12:37

I don't mind either way if she knows

Yeah, it's all the same either way, isn't it? She's been lied to for so long already, and of course they're only together for the sake of the kids (up there with 'my wife doesn't understand me', that one), so why should you mind either way?

jessstan2 · 30/07/2020 12:38

That's what they all say.

I don't think your husband should tell her. If you are having couples counselling, ask the counsellor's opinion.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 30/07/2020 12:38

Id want to know.

Sakurami · 30/07/2020 12:42

I would want to know and if the people who knew at the time had told me, I wouldn't have made certain decisions which had a big impact on me for many years.

IseeIsee · 30/07/2020 12:42

I think you husband should focus his energy on finding a way to move forward with your marriage or separation and less on this other lady. You know absolutely nothing about her or her marriage so can't assess if it's a good idea or not.

SugarHour · 30/07/2020 12:43

I would want to know.

Tbh I'm also curious how you managed to have an affair whilst living 400 miles apart! Do you work in the travel industry? Was it an emotional affair?

BigBadVoodooHat · 30/07/2020 12:44

Have you considered you may have to own up to her also as evidence of his affair, otherwise it could be considered malicious information.

I genuinely don't understand what you mean here ~ could you clarify?

BigBadVoodooHat · 30/07/2020 12:47

You know absolutely nothing about her or her marriage

Well, they know she's married to a cheat and a liar, and is therefore at risk of STDs. One could argue that she has a right to know that, in order to make an informed decision about her future well-being, not least her health.

Drawingaline44 · 30/07/2020 12:48

I think it would be better to speak to him maybe, if you are able to, without it rekindling anything. If he knows you have told your husband.

I would be saying to him, my husband knows, we are working on our marriage. He wants to tell your wife, and I can’t stop him if that’s his choice, but maybe it would be better if it comes from you. And leave it there. Maybe Then he will find the balls to tell her himself.

1forAll74 · 30/07/2020 12:49

Why would your Husband wan't to tell the other wife now.? You should just be working through all the issues now, of trying to get back on track in your own lives, so enough going on. The other woman may well know about everything, as it's hard to be leading a double life, without the cheated partner knowing.

I don't see the point in stirring things up now, as some cheated people may seek revenge and cause more trouble.

LazyDaisy22 · 30/07/2020 12:49

I would want to know. But maybe she already does know or at least have suspicions?

katy1213 · 30/07/2020 12:49

Whether or not she'd want to know, it isn't his business to tell her. Spite and revenge, which is why you'd have been better not confessing just putting it behind you and moving on with your marriage.

Scoobyscoobedydoo · 30/07/2020 12:49

I wish someone had told me

butterpuffed · 30/07/2020 12:51

@BigBadVoodooHat

Have you considered you may have to own up to her also as evidence of his affair, otherwise it could be considered malicious information.

I genuinely don't understand what you mean here ~ could you clarify?

I think it just means perhaps the OP should admit the affair to the OM's wife in case she thinks it's fictitious information

justanotherneighinparadise · 30/07/2020 12:53

I’m interested in your feelings. Do you feel like you want to protect MM in this situation or do you feel like you want to protect your husband? That to me would tell me where my true feelings lie.

BigBadVoodooHat · 30/07/2020 12:55

I think it just means perhaps the OP should admit the affair to the OM's wife in case she thinks it's fictitious information

Ah, ok, thanks. I wondered if 'evidence'/'malicious information' were alluding to terms used in divorce proceedings and would apply if the OP was named as the infidelity partner in a divorce petition.

Brefugee · 30/07/2020 12:55

I'd want to know. And you're fooling yourself if you think that either of you has a backstory that justifies potentially wrecking two marriages and affecting the lives of your own children.

Frankly i hope you are thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

Anordinarymum · 30/07/2020 12:55

@AliceinBunnyland

You don't know they are only together for the children. You don't know the truth about their marriage, you only know what you were told by the man you were having an affair with.

I can understand him wanting to tell her.

I think I'd want to know but then maybe ignorance is bliss. I think he has a right to know.

This is a wise statement. Nobody really knows about other folks' lives no matter what they say.

cushioncovers · 30/07/2020 12:56

Your husband may want to do it out of spite but actually I think the wife deserves to know. As long as it's done as respectfully as possible I say tell her.

thehumanformerlyknownasfemale · 30/07/2020 12:56

They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now.

Ah, he stuck to the script. Can't they come up with anything more imaginative?

I'd tell her. I'd want to know myself in this situation. You won't have been the first person he's slept with behind her back. She needs to know so she can get herself checked.

PinkMonkeyBird · 30/07/2020 12:57

My ex cheated on me (OW was a work colleague) and it transpired that some of his other colleagues knew something was going on but didn't know whether to tell me. I'd have preferred to know.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10