My husband telling my lovers wife about us

[flyingcheese]

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

The OP's husband is probably thinking that the other man shouldn't be allowed to carry on his life without any negative consequences. Even if motivated by revenge, I still think the wife has a right to know. She deserves the respect of not being the only one not to know and to be able to choose the direction of her own life, from a position of knowledge.

Sorry but I really cringed at the point you said about not minding either way. That just reeks of self-absorption.
Your husbands sounds like a compassionate soul, so perhaps he could contact someone who knows this woman well and then they could break the news to her?

In all honesty, I wouldn't appreciate being contacted by a total stranger and asked to tell my friend/sister/cousin that her husband was cheating in her. Don't let your husband drag other people into it - either he tells her or he doesn't, but if I was the wife, I'd also not appreciate him telling other people in my life.

Agree with MrsHunt. If the DH is going to inform the wife (and I certainly would in his situation) it needs to be done as quietly and confidentially as possible. This man's wife deserves the privacy to make her own decisions without the pressure of 'outside' people knowing that her husband has cheated on her.

@ mrshunt,
Whilst I sort of agree, how the OP's DH process this betrayal is up to him.
He has his own MH to think about and shouldn't be putting other ppls feelings above his own.
What you shouldn't be 'appreciating' is you DH / DW cheating on you , cheating on your future and cheating on your DC.

Well yes, it should go without saying that I wouldn't appreciate my husband cheating on me. But, whilst I do agree that the OPs DH must decide to tell or not tell according to his own personal feelings, he does owe some basic human kindness and consideration to the other innocent party in all this and to the total stranger who'd get dragged into it if he did ask a friend of the wife to break the news.

If he did telephone her and tell her the chances are her husband would say it was a hoax call.

They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now.

Script 101.

I would want to know if I was the wife.