My husband telling my lovers wife about us

[flyingcheese]

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

[Devlesko]

They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now.

Not only a cheat but thick too, lol.

[JingsMahBucket]

@savetheusername

You were married with two kids. You met another man who you found attractive and decided to shag him, not caring about your DH or his wife or your DC or the other man's DC or anyone else caught in the cross fire. I am not sure "lover" is the right word here, as there was clearly no love.
You had feelings for the other man and thought at first he had feelings for you too and planned a future with him, but you then discovered that he did not have the same feelings for you, and his feelings for you had become even less over time.
You therefore tell tell your DH who you knew would be more angry with the other man than he was with you. And you then encourage your DH to tell the other man's wife, not knowing or caring what the consequences might be, which would also have the benefit of your DH "siding" with you about something.

You completely fabricated this BS out of your own head, especially the last three long run on sentences. Sheesh.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’d want to know.

[Billben]

I’m very surprised your DH hasn’t already told the poor wife yet. If I was him, that would have been the first thing I did.

If I was the poor woman being cheated on, yes, I would definitely want to know. Who likes being taken for a mug after all.

I hope your DH comes to his sense and leaves you OP. Just feel sorry for your DC.

[Bluesheep8]

I know pps have adked this but How did you manage to have an affair living 400 miles apart though?

[mamapearl]

Wow!

You have serious issues OP. Sort your head out. I find it hard to believe that your husband is forgiving you for this. I think he should move on instead of talking to the OM's wife.

You're not a decent person. You don't have the maturity to talk to your husband about your issues, instead you go a cheat on him- Pathetic! That goes to all cheaters too.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Why did you tell your husband? Did the other guy end things between you?

[chocolateandpinkgin]

Is your affair over? What made you own up to your husband?

[BigBadVoodooHat]

For those saying they would want to know, would you really want to be told by a man who just wanted to let her know that her husband had had an affair with his wife, but the wife came back to him instead so now she can have her husband back? Because that’s essentially what he would be doing.

This isn’t some altruistic act of someone who believes the wife should know, this is someone who wants to take revenge.

Does it matter what his motivation is in telling her? Is it right for her to know if she's told as an act of altruism, but not ok for her to find out via an act of vengeance?

The intentions of the 'teller' have no bearing on her right to that she's been cheated on and her health may be at risk.

[BigBadVoodooHat]

The backstory would out me

Sure it would. Is it cycling related?

[DeathOrGlory]

For those saying they would want to know, would you really want to be told by a man who just wanted to let her know that her husband had had an affair with his wife, but the wife came back to him instead so now she can have her husband back

I wouldn't give a shit! I'd just be glad to know so that I could promptly pack my husband's things and kick him out instead of living with a lying cheat.

[WhattheHhashappened]

If I were her I would want to know that my husband is an adulterous piece of shit.
I would end the marriage.

[WhattheHhashappened]

I also wouldn’t care what the motives were for telling me.

[crimsonlake]

My ex had an affair and initially I wanted to tell her husband. However I did not want to live with the knowledge that I had broken up a marriage and family.
Realistically yes, the woman involved had broken her own marriage by having an affair. I chose to concentrate on my own life and my children.

[JingsMahBucket]

@flyingcheese another poster mentioned talking to your marriage counselor about this and I agree because this is a tricky one. Depending on how long ago the affair ended, the answer might change. If it ended a couple months ago, I could see him telling her. If it ended nearly a year ago, that seems like a long time to leave things alone to then drop a bomb. Definitely bring this up in a session, I think. Good luck either way.

[Bluntness100]

So you’re both being spiteful then? You because you had to go through it so so should he, and your husband has he hell just got some concern for the wife,

You’re both being spiteful and want to cause some pain, likely for different reasons, I suggest you both take responsibility and leave them alone.

[Staffy1]

Yes, I would want to know and feel very angry that people had the chance to tell me but didn't if I found out later. OP, would you want to know in her position?

[AfterSchoolWorry]

They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children

🤣

[WhattheHhashappened]

I’m also rolling my eyes at that Afterschool
😂

[Mamabear12]

I would stay out of it. Maybe she would prefer not to know. I would rather not know. Cheating is wrong, but some people do it. I would not want to know if my dh was one of them! And no, I don’t think he is cheating. He hardly ever goes out and if he does, it’s with me and friends as a group. But I guess some people want to know. I guess if the scumbag cheating made it quite obvious then I would want to know. As it’s most annoying to be wondering about it.

[AcrossthePond55]

Of course I'd want to know!

Each of us wants to live our lives in the 'truest' way we can. We can't do that if our lives are based on a falsehood or half information. This man's wife isn't living her 'truest' live, she's living one based on lies and shifting sands.

She deserves to be told in the most private way your DH can tell her. He needs to assure her that the info will go no further and that he will not be gossiping. Then she can decide what she wants to do with her life with full possession of the facts.

Your DH has chosen to stay. Many wouldn't. Many would have left and blackened your name to all and sundry. You're a lucky woman and I hope you remember that.

[WhattheHhashappened]

My ex had an affair and initially I wanted to tell her husband. However I did not want to live with the knowledge that I had broken up a marriage and family.

Why on earth would you think you were responsible for breaking up their marriage?
The two people cheating did that!

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

I'd want to know because if my husband is having sex with me and also having sex with other women, I should have that information to make informed choices about my physical health and the risks. I would want to know because if my husband is cheating, I should have that information to make an informed choice about whether or not to stay in the relationship.

[1WildTeaParty]

QUOTE: "They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. "

What makes you think that someone who lies to a long-term spouse and has an affair it likely to be telling the truth to their short-term lover?

This sounds too much like 'the excuse for an affair script' to be trusted - so you really don't know anything about the marriage.

[Woodandsky]

It's your husband's decision, not yours.

I found out my husband was having an affair about 18 months ago, I did agonise over whether to tell the OW's husband either out of decency or spite (very hard to work out which). In the end I didn't because I was having a hard enough time without stirring up more drama and I wanted to choose who knew about it; had her husband known too it could have meant a lot more people finding out about it (including our children) and I wasn't in any fit state to deal with that at the time.

We are still together, it's tough sometimes but we've made a good recovery, I often wonder if her husband knows, I think they are still together too. In the end it isn't my moral responsibility to tell him, it's hers, and in your position you have to let your husband do whatever's best for him.