My husband telling my lovers wife about us

[flyingcheese]

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

I know most posters are here knocking the AP

I don't think peoples here are knocking the AP, they are knocking OP for repeating the line to us - as if OP herself believes it and as if any of us would.

Not your business how it affects her.

I would want to know, and how it affects me would none of your business; how dare you try to make judgements about how well I might deal with it? - see that''s how I would feel.

OP doesn't come across as having any regret or shame. Still referring to him as her "lover"? Is it over or not?

I wouldn't want to know, if it was completely over

I would absolutely want to know if my husband was shagging someone else . 100%. So I would be able to make the decisions that need to be made under those circumstances, with all the information in front of me . Anything else is just living a lie .
Poor woman , I feel really sorry for her that she’s married to such a loser .

Good for him, yes she deserves to know, so she can make informed decisions about her future and know what a scumbag she is with, yuck.

I would tell her, her husband is as scummy as you are.

It's none of the OPs business what her OH dies with the information he has.
It's his call, the OP forfeited any right to have a say in what happens next when she cheated on him.

If the OPs husband decides to tell- that's his call.
What the OP thinks- or indeed what any of us think is unimportant.
He is the one who has been cheated on.

You don't really have a right to judge your husband's reaction or your ex-lover's marriage. His telling the wife is a normal and natural consequence of what you put into action. You betrayed your marriage and left him writhing in pain. People have strong reactions when they are intensely suffering. Whether his actions were kind or unkindand they could be boththe lesson to you is, don't cause your husband or others intense suffering in the future if you don't want unexpected and possibly unpleasant consequences.

I would want to know. As much as it would hurt, I'd much rather know the truth. Better than living a lie. Tbh the truth will out at some point anyway

I don't think it even matters what the OP's husband's motivations are. If I was her, I'd want to know. Wouldn't really care who told me or why.

I think he should stay out of the other marriage. It’s up to her husband to confess or not confess. I’m not sure what is to gain by telling her - does he really think she has a right know or does he want to punish her husband for having an affair with his wife? Does he feel like you’ve been found out and your partner should be to?

Your husband has been hurt, and you should both deal with that within the confines of your marriage.

I would want to know, but I’d rather my (cheating) husband told me than some random bloke I’ve never met.

Yes, of course I would want to know if my husband was cheating on me. I’d be devastated, of course, but I would then be able to make decisions based on all the evidence on what is right for me and my family, and with greater knowledge of who my husband, and how important he thinks I am. It would certainly lead me to evaluate my priorities.

They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now

Usual bullshit then!

I would want to know, also will you be mentioned in the consequent divorce proceedings citing adultery

No. He's inflicting pain and wanting to share his. It's not his role to interfere. He has no idea what goes on in their life.

I know the only together for the children etc seems stereotypical, but a lot of people are in this situation and in an unhappy marriage.

Yepp. Some of them work at it. Some of them break up. Some fuckers have affairs and don't 'fess up. They are absolute fuckers.

I understand she has a right to know, I'm just thinking like someone mentioned, how it might affect her, especially mentally. Yes I should have thought of this before I owned up to my husband I know.

Big of you to worry now about her mental health. You shouldn't have thought of this before you owned up to your husband you should have thought of this before you shagged her husband.

Still, done is done. You have no more skin in this game, it's up to your husband what he does.

I wouldn’t trust either of the liars in this situation to tell her. It’s going to hurt however she’s told. At least if the cheated on husband tells her they can help each other as they’re in the same boat.

And hopefully fall in love and run away together and live happily ever after away from the people who are supposed to care about them the most but have treated them horribly.

Well if they are only "together for the children" then she probably won't be too upset that he's had an affair.

Realistically though, I bet she has no idea that is how he feels and will be devastated.

I wish someone had told me, it would have saved a fair bit of misery, wondering why he had changed and gone so cold towards me.

I also think if you're having sex with someone then you deserve to know if they are having sex with someone else. I got myself an STD check as soon as I found out. It's not ok to mess with someone else's sexual health, let alone mental health.

Thing is, you don't have a say either way now the secret is out. It's your husband's decision, whatever the consequences of it, and you don't have a right to an opinion either way.

Whatever he decides, the consequences of telling or not telling are on the people who had the affair.

Also, I dread to think what My exh told the OW about our marriage but I can assure you it was fine until he had an affair (40 year old man with wife, mortgage and two kids, younger woman showed him a bit of attention, the usual cliches).

I don't think it even matters what the OP's husband's motivations are. If I was her, I'd want to know. Wouldn't really care who told me or why
100%! It doesn’t matter at all why he’s doing it, the fact of the matter is still the same. She could be told the truth and be rightly upset by it or live a lie and waste her life with a man who doesn’t deserve her.
Don’t pretend OP that you care about her mental and emotional well-being after what you’ve done. If his wife does find out and she’s devastated, it won’t be your husband’s fault will it? It’ll be yours and her husband’s. Which leads me to think your only concern is yourself

I'd want to know. Your faux concern about how it will impact her MH is deeply unpleasant.

Your dh sounds like a mug there's no excuse in the world to have an affair.