My husband telling my lovers wife about us

[flyingcheese]

Name change

I had an affair, I told my husband about it. We're talking through it and deciding where to go from here. The man I had the affair with is also married, we both have 2 children in our marriages. My husband is considering telling the other mas wife about us, he thinks she should know.

Just looking for some advice if you would want to know? They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now. They live 400 miles from us so we aren't going to bump into them at all. My husband says she should know as maybe he's constantly sleeping around and if it was the other way round he'd want someone to tell him. I don't mind either way if she knows or not but do kind of think I've had to face it, maybe he should. I chose to tell my husband though, he hasn't chosen to tell his wife.

What would you do? Have you done? Any advice please. And I know having an affair was wrong so no slating for that please, there was a huge backstory leading up to it which we are now going to arrange counselling for.

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

I think the wife has a righ to know but I'm not sure your dh is the person to tell her.

Your AP should tell his wife.

[SteelyPanther]

Yes, she should know.
You could tell her if you don’t want to give hubby the satisfaction.

[TatianaBis]

Oh yeah the tricky marriage, my wife doesn’t understand me etc.

I’d want to know if I were her.

[SandyY2K]

I'd want to know if I was the wife.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

If I were the wife, I'd want to to know.

As for "They've had a pretty tricky marriage for years and are only together for the children now." - how do you know? Did he tell you that? And you believed him?

[Toptotoeunicolour]

By withholding the truth, you deny someone the right to make informed decisions about the most important aspects their lives. I think that's appalling. I value very highly being able to guide my own future and have responsibility for my own life.

Not everyone thinks like I do which is why this is such a difficult question to answer. Some people just want a quiet life, or to keep up appearances, or find it too debilitating to face painful truths. (I know this type of news is debilitating for everyone in the short term, but not in the long term).

[BigBadVoodooHat]

Ah, he stuck to the script. Can't they come up with anything more imaginative?

To be fair, though, there were two of them cheating, and the OP seemingly believes that her 'backstory' mitigates the infidelity, so I'm guessing she had her own validating 'script'.
It's not like she was tricked into being unfaithful by someone's clever rhetoric. I'd guess she knew all along that 'marriage is a mess, only together for the children, yadda yadda' was just as much of a line as the 'huge backstory' that made her cheat too.

[Alexandernevermind]

An ex-friend of mine had an affair with a colleague. He broke it off and she marched around to tell his wife. The problem was the wife was from a culture where she could not do anything with the information. My ex-friend knew this, and had previously told me the wife was under lock and key whilst the husband shagged whoever he wanted. Very sad.

[notangelinajolie]

If what he says about the marriage is true then then this new information is is hardly going to be a bolt out of the blue for his wife. She needs to know that this loser who she may be trying to save her marriage for for is a liar and a cheat.

And OP if there is a back story that would change mine and others opinions then you should say because then I have wasted my time in replying to you.

[goatley]

I don't think it is your husband's business.

The wife likely has an inkling her husband has been up to something.

Now if your husband was a good friend of the wife then he would be telling her for the right reasons - but as things stand it sounds to me like he just wants her to feel as hurt as he does.

[Cheeseandwin5]

I know most posters are here knocking the AP but you do realise they were both cheating n their partners.
The stories he said to get her into bed are probably the same that she told him. I see a lot of condemnation for his actions, mainly based on thats what men say but ultimately they were both cheating so there is no innocent gender here.
Your DH's may not be doing it for the best reasons, but frankly who cares, he has to process your lies and cheating and your reluctance would prove to him that he cant trust you.
Why should he be the only one in a world of pain.

[savetheusername]

OP
You were married with two kids. You met another man who you found attractive and decided to shag him, not caring about your DH or his wife or your DC or the other man's DC or anyone else caught in the cross fire. I am not sure "lover" is the right word here, as there was clearly no love.
You had feelings for the other man and thought at first he had feelings for you too and planned a future with him, but you then discovered that he did not have the same feelings for you, and his feelings for you had become even less over time.
You therefore tell tell your DH who you knew would be more angry with the other man than he was with you. And you then encourage your DH to tell the other man's wife, not knowing or caring what the consequences might be, which would also have the benefit of your DH "siding" with you about something. You have now decided to get as many randoms on MN as possible to vindicate your choices, but is this to just to absolve yourself of any responsibility in relation to what happens when your DH tells the other man's wife? "Lots of women on MN agreed with me"?

You try to get the moral high ground by referring to "counselling" - would you ever commit to changing via counselling.
You try to instruct MN posters about how to respond to your posts, making it clear that you expect "No Slating Please."

The answer is - there is no good answer here, there is nothing you can do to make this better, nothing right or wrong which would be better or worse than any other decision you make, you have by your own actions created a shit storm which will cause hurt to others and there is very little you can do to make it better.

[HazelBite]

Oh the "only together for the children" line, shorthand for my marriage is a bit shit, not very exciting but not bad enough for me to end it!

OP you cannot tell your husband what he should do, you have no right, but if I were her although it would very painful I would prefer to know. Knowledge is power, you know nothing about her life, or her, she may be looking for a reason to leave her H, she may have had her suspicions and felt she was going mad, she might be prepared to forgive him and make a "go" of things.
She has the right to know but whether her own H or yours tells her is not your concern, save your energies for your own future.

[ivfdreaming]

Why do you care?

Is it because you don't want to know the real
consequences and fall out from your appalling decision to have an affair?? Is it because the less people that know the better you feel about yourself???

Yes absolutely I'd want to know

I'd be horrified though if I thought that the other woman was debating it on an Internet forum

[howfarwevecome]

I'd want to know.

But he should at least be honest about why he wants to tell her.

[flyingcheese]

thanks for replies everyone. The backstory would out me, I'm not saying it justifies what happened, just that there was a lot of things that led up to it. I've known him for 20 years as we used to date when we were young then reconnected many many moons later. I know the only together for the children etc seems stereotypical, but a lot of people are in this situation and in an unhappy marriage. I understand she has a right to know, I'm just thinking like someone mentioned, how it might affect her, especially mentally. Yes I should have thought of this before I owned up to my husband I know.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Well tough shit. If you choose to have an affair then yes your husband has every right to your affair partners wife so she can get herself checked as I hope your husband has.

[flyingcheese]

OP you cannot tell your husband what he should do, you have no right, but if I were her although it would very painful I would prefer to know

I know, I'm not telling him what to do. I'm just asking if people were her if they would want to be told

[savetheusername]

You try to get the moral high ground by referring to "counselling" - would you ever commit to changing via counselling? I missed out the question mark at the end.

Is there any part of you sorry about this, wanting to make this better, right wrongs, wanting to make amends? Or is it all someone else's fault?

[Lochie662]

@savetheusername

Totally agree with you.

I read the post with growing unease at the sheer lack of empathy this woman has for others, the only reason she is even considering that the APs wife should know is so the AP has to face the music as well. This is beyond uncomfortable reading.

But I'm forgetting about the "backstory". We all get a free pass to hurt as many people as we like when there's a "backstory". So the world is put to rights again. I'm not reading this thread again.

[RhodaCamel]

I would want to know, regardless of whom it came from. Wouldn’t every one want to know that they are wasting there precious life with someone who couldn’t give two shits about them?

[AlternativePerspective]

For those saying they would want to know, would you really want to be told by a man who just wanted to let her know that her husband had had an affair with his wife, but the wife came back to him instead so now she can have her husband back? Because that’s essentially what he would be doing.

This isn’t some altruistic act of someone who believes the wife should know, this is someone who wants to take revenge.

And for those slating the OP, while she’s in the wrong, if she’d come on here admitting that she was having an affair posters would tell her to tell her DH so he could make an informed decision about his marriage. She has done that and he has decided to work on the marriage with her.What she did in her marriage is irrelevant to those on here wanting to stick the boot in.

[LadybirdInTheWindow]

God some of you lot are seriously projecting here

[ShagMeRiggins]

OP, would you want to be told if you were in the wife’s position?