I'm tired of stoners

[Annoyedbyit]

Have been seeing my dp for 7 months, I knew he was a 'smoker' (and other things) when I started seeing him, so I feel I don't have much of a reason to be peeved, however, I would very much appreciate a bit of advice.

I don't smoke or take any sort of illegal drugs, just my choice and I don't judge those that do as it's simply their choice. When he comes to my house, he smokes his weed outside as I don't even smoke cigarettes and it wold make my house smell. He doesn't object to this.

I stayed at his place on Saturday night as he had the house to himself (flatmate away), so I was really annoyed when on Sunday morning this happened...

We had a nice lie in and everything and he went to get the papers and was going to make us a nice breakfast, a lovely, lazy sunday morning. However, his friend from the flat upstairs pops in, as he always does (v annoying) with some weed, so dp instantly 'skins up' and they start smoking several joints. It is really strong and there is a smokey fog about the place, so I went and sat in another room.

I thought to myself: 'what the hell am I doing here!', so I decided to head home as a stoned dp is not what I wanted to be with. DP totally taken aback by me wanting to go home as he couldn't see he'd done anything wrong. I felt like he had put me on hold until he was ready to pick up the romantic sunday element again. I just didn't want to be treated like that, but he made me feel like I was being totally irrational and unreasonable and he couldn't see why I was peeved.

Anyway, I left and feel like something insurmountable has happened, don't think we can come to an agreement over this. Sorry if this is long and rambling, it's really on my mind and I don't know what I should do or if it's worth trying to move forward on this. Thank you all for listening and thank you in advance for any advice.

i very much doubt he will change. my advice is: move on and find someone who doesn't smoke.

It's his priorities, isn't it? A smoke meant more to him than time with you. What you wanted him to do was say to his mate, "Sorry, you'll have to come over later, we're busy" ..or just not answer the door. What he did was forget all about you as soon as there was a whiff of waccy baccy....

I know what I'd do, tbh.

Hi Annoyedbyit, if he is into smoking weed, and other things, he will generally put them first. I am speaking from experience my DP was a smoker when we met, I thought that DS would change his habits, not so we have had allsorts of fun surprises!! Coke, drink ect.
You don't need that in your life and people that regularly abuse any drug are inherantly selfish imho, good luck and find someone that puts you first

I hear you, thank you for replying.
i thought it wouldn't be a problem when we got together as all I saw was how nice he was, however, it is becoming a bit of an issue now as it's something that totally excludes me and it is amazingly high on his list of priorities.
I'm all for separate interests, but this is something that he does everyday.
You're so right when I heard his friend was round, I was willing him to say to him: "Not now hey, maybe later" but he didn't. So I got dressed and tried to be sociable but it just wasn't happening. The two of them were going on about a session they had last week that involved class As and I felt like - 'why am I with this person?' We have plenty in common but so much different and it is becomming more apparant to me that the two can't combine happily.
I love him and don't want to be without him, but this is really bothering me. How should I carry on? How can I not let it affect me?

I think when people smoke that much it becomes totally normal to them and they can't see how it looks from the outside. I used to smoke loads of weed before having kids. I hardly smoke any now as I've no time for leisure but BIL smokes all the time when he comes to stay.

Perhaps he doesn't undertand that it's not acceptable to you. It's alienating. You need to make him understand and give him the choice. You or the weed.

However, it's difficult to stop altogether so how about saying something like, you have to stop all mon-fri smoking but can smoke at weekends. Or smoke as much as you like when I'm not around, but not when I'm round.

It puts you on a different sort of level when you're stoned to someone who isn't so in that sense it's very anti social.

Hi Annoyedbyit, I was dating a guy during the Summer who smoked weed, hell he was even growing the stuff, though he claimed not to smoke a lot of it. I'm not going to be a hypocrite, I did partake in it too but when I was away from him it slowly started dawning on me that this was probably the only thing keeping us together.

I'm not really a huge fan of it tbh, once in a bue moon fine but it got to the stage where I was being talked at It was all about him, I didn't get a look in.

I can't tell you what to do but for me the deal breaker was the realisation that this was a relationship not based in reality and the final upshot was that I thought, "feck it, I deserve better"

I was just so happy when we got together that I was blind to it and I felt loved and special. Now I feel like I'm not important and he doesn't make an effort. God, if I was to end it I'd feel so alone. I know how pitiful that must sound.
I knew what he did when we got together so do you think there is a way I can accept it without having to give him an ultimatum as I know what he'd say - that I knew he smoked etc when I met him - and he is right. I'd sound like such a nag if I asked him not to do it around me and (I kow I sound sad), have I got the right to ask him not to do it?
All (and I mean all, every single one of his friends take drugs), so I must be something of a novelty to them. My only indulgence is wine, but I like nice wine and appreciate it (in a non-snobby way!- go easy on me!) Everytime there is a party or dinner party it turns into a class A fest and weed is smoked constantly. Sometimes I'm scared that one fo the group is going to overdose or take something bad. Sometimes I'm afraid it will be DP.
Every single thing revolves around his smoking. On his birthday I took him to a lovely restauran, all on me, but rather than stay out afterwards, he wanted to go home so he could smoke. This was the first time I felt it coming between us and since then I'm noticing it more and more.
I fear I know what I should do, but the old cliche reigns, I love him and I'm afraid to loose him. Sorry for long ramble.

Your not rambling at all and I know it's hard to hear some of the harsh reality but at the end of the day only you can decide how much you can tolerate. I ran the whole marathon of abusive relationships in the past including sadly physically abusive ones so by comparison being with a stoner who wasn't agressive seemed like not the worst thing to do......... wrong

Not having someone to meet your needs or who puts theirs above your is abusive too, albeit more subtle. It sounds like your doing a lot of caretaking and possibly enabling?

However, at the end of it all, the buck stops with what your prepared to endure. Sorry to be the bearer of doom and gloom but I think you know deep down that you deserve more than this.

I went out with someone who used to smoke a lot of weed. He got so boring.
Even when he was wetting himself with hysteria over some drug induced joke.
Dull dull dull.

Move on. It becomes their only love.

Thank you Mhamai, Si'm sorry to hear about your upsets too. You said something that I've never thought of before, that I'm enabling him. God, I'm horrified by that thought but it is true, by me letting him get on with it, I'm condoning his behaviour. Perhaps I could say something to him about it as Sunday's episode was a catalyst because something definite happened: he chose getting stoned over me. One moment we were having a lovely cosy day together, then the next, he was smoking with his friend. He had the choice to let his friend in and start rolling up, he could have read the situation with me being round as being a romantic one but he didn't. He saw it as no different from the norm and that I would sit there and wait for him. He had the choice and he made his decision, making it very clear to me.
How much am I prepared to put up with? I don't want to put up with any of it! but how many people have perfect lives? I think I would draw the line at what happened on Sunday and I must admit, it gave me the strength to leave and go home. I'd love to say to him that I don't want him to do it around me but I don't think he would accept that.

I think you should bare in mind the fact that all relationships lose that specialness after a little while.
And i think all women try to change their dp to a certain extent.

My dp is a drinker, he was when i met him, but if i didnt like it (which i didnt) i should have ended it then rather than letting it go on, have dc with him and obviously commit to a life long relationship for the sake of our dc.

I think, in your situation you should learn to live with it if you love him as you say you do.
I stuck at it with dp, and have gradually over time managed to decrease the amount of time he spends in the pub. It would be unfair imo, to say stop it all together or leave him. Either you love him or you dont.

That is who he is, a smoker.

I would of said to him that i didnt like the way you felt excluded and uncomfortable around his visitor the other day, and if he loves you too he would control his habit and his social smokes when you are with him. You see 2 way, give and take a little each.

I dont stop dp drinking, but he knows i would not be willing to watch him drink himself stupid in the pub, or entertain his drinking buddies at our house. I have over time set boundaries and he respects that.

Hi

I've been with my DH for 10 years and we've just had our first bub. We were both daily weed smokers until I got pregnant and I stopped. My son is 10 wks old and I have taken it up again but my DH still smokes. It's been the cause of a number of arguments as he promised he'd stop with me when I gave up nearly a year a go. He found it hard and having tried to stop a number of times previously myself I kept letting it go and we'd agree new deadlines for him to stop, i.e. when bub was born. Still didn't happen, although he did try. He's now cut it back to a spliff couple of times a week. I found myself focussing on him stopping so much that I was ignoring the fact that it really wasn't making much of a difference on our lives. He doesn't drink or do any other drugs and is a great dad. Everyone has their way of unwinding. We used to put it before just about everything too though, like going out. It seems a little more full on for you though. Maybe it's something he'll get bored of in time. I did, but I know how he feels at the moment and although people say you cn't get addicted to weed, you can certainly depend on it and feel you need it. You should talk to him about how it makes you feel when he puts it before spending time with you. He should respect the fact that you don't do it or like it and limit his use when he's around you. If he loves you, he'll at least try.
Good luck

This is the same with any relationship, though, whether or not substances are involved. You only get to know a person properly by being with them for a while. You may have known he smoked weed, but you didn't know how it was going to affect your relationship. You've given it 7 months of trying and it doesn't look like it's going to work because his habits are much more important to him than a mere human being (you). He may be a lovely fellow, but his social world is not yours. If he isn't prepared to meet you halfway by not being stoned with you or going off with his friends when he's supposed to be with you, then you don't mean as much to him as he means to you, and a relationship that's all giving on one side is ultimately doomed.

That doesn't mean you "have" to leave him, the choice as always is yours. Personally though, I think you're on a hiding to nothing, and the sooner you drag yourself away from him the sooner you will find someone you can be happy with. You've got a lot of love to give; you should be with someone who loves you back instead of having an affair with Ms Weed.

btw

Just incase none of you realised, no man is that sensitive to consider your feelings before reacting to anything.
You have to spell out every single obcious detail as to why you might be upset about something.
Dont take it for granted, the he realised what he was doing on that sunday, he thought nothing of it, im sure.
I think thats just men.

Also, just thought of somehting interesting - when I met his aprents (they live apart), he wouldn't smoke in his mum's house, only in secret at the bottom of the garden, whereas at his dad's - god, his dad is a massive smoker and there was a non-stop smoke session all (ALL!) the time.
I think he might see me as a bit like his mum if I 'lay down the law' and ask him to stop drugging around me.
Plus, we'd never go anywhere together as he does it everywhere we go. (sad)
Thank you all for your advice so far, you're all really lovely

...oop meant to say I HAVEN'T take it up again!

Annie - his social world is mine. I have no friends of my own.

"I think, in your situation you should learn to live with it if you love him as you say you do."

I could not disagree more with this statement (sorry Haychee). If you have any love for youself you should either issue that ultimatum (and it would be completely fair enough if he said he isn't going to change and you knew he was a smoker when you met him) or just go ahead and find someone who

a) Doesn't put an illegal substance and his friend before you
b) Doesn't hang around with people whose existence and social life evolves around drugs and who make you uncomfortable
c) Shares similar values to you

Otherwise as Anniegetyourgun says, you are on a hiding to nothing. And in my experience, if he hangs around with people like that and smoking weed is so important to him, it's very unlikely to be the whole story. And you definitely don't want to be involved with that.

I think you already know this don't you?

Annoyedbyit you sound like an intelligent, nice person. There is no reason you shouldn't meet someone more suitable and a whole new social group based on your preferences rather than someone else's.

annoyedbyit,

Better to be alone and happier than to walk badly accompanied.

You both sound very different people; what attracted you to him in the first place?. If you knew he smoked this stuff why did you get involved?.

He will ultimately drag you down with him; I am wondering what a nice, seemingly sensible person like you is doing with someone who patently puts weed before you. His primary relationship is with drugs; you come a dim and distant second.

He has become physically and mentally dependent on cannabis and won't be able to give it up unless a) he wants to (you cannot help him) and b) he seeks proper help to do so.

Another poster mentioned enabling; I also think you're subconsciously trying to rescue him from his own self. I think you hope that your love for him will bring him around - wrong.

The first twelve months of a relationship are supposed to be the happiest - you're not happy at all are you?.

By being with him you are stopping yourself from meeting someone who is truly worthy of you.

Annoyedabit

"I think, in your situation you should learn to live with it if you love him as you say you do."

Sorry Haychee but I don't agree with that statement either. That particular mindset just enables them further.

The following is for annoyedbyit - if you really love him you would walk away whilst you can.

annoyedbyit - why do you have no friends of your own?. Surely this is not true. How is it that you've become so isolated?. Why can you not make your own friends and get out into the wider world, what is stopping you?.

Nine - I do know. That's the thing. I left a load of my old friends behind and moved on. Some were into the drug scene and I just stopped seeing them. So I thought when I met dp, he was such a lovely person that I could deal with his usage and focus on the good parts of his character.

I just don't see how the relationship can get any better because of this. I do want someone who shares the same values as me but I just can't find them!

Drugs are such a normal part of his life that he automatically includes them on a night out, or on a night in - like most people do with drink. They are so normal for him but I see them as restricting as when he's really out of his head, I am embarrassed to be with him. Plus I get scared he'll over do it..some of them are currently toying with ketamine and it makes them utterly obnoxious. I don't yet know if he's doing this, though he does coke and E.

Also interesting is that of the group of friends, most of the men are single and those with girlfriends, the girls are totally drug free! Seems it's their boy thing. Girls not included. Not that I would ever want to, mind.

Sorry if I'm not keeping up with everyone here, I'm at work anad work keeps getting in the way! Plus I fear they may see me on the internet, so I may not be able to get back to you as quick as I want to. I'd jus tlike to say at this point though a big thank you for all your help as you're all so kind. xxxxxxx

I had a choice to walk away from my dp when i really thought i couldnt live with dp cos he drinks. I chose to stick at it and we have 2 dc together now.
I couldnt be happier, yes he still drinks, but less than he used to. But its not the end of the world, he has habit and relaxation time in the pub and i say not in the house. Give and take.
He is never violent, and i know he loves me. I love him in return - that is all that matters in my opinion.
There are times when i get fed up with it all, but then i also get fed up of just being a mum too.

Of course, annoyedabit, you have the choice still. You can do what you want. I was just trying to show that its not all doom and gloom if you chose to stick at it. I just have to set boundaries and we will have a happy long relationship.