I'm tired of stoners

[Annoyedbyit]

Have been seeing my dp for 7 months, I knew he was a 'smoker' (and other things) when I started seeing him, so I feel I don't have much of a reason to be peeved, however, I would very much appreciate a bit of advice.

I don't smoke or take any sort of illegal drugs, just my choice and I don't judge those that do as it's simply their choice. When he comes to my house, he smokes his weed outside as I don't even smoke cigarettes and it wold make my house smell. He doesn't object to this.

I stayed at his place on Saturday night as he had the house to himself (flatmate away), so I was really annoyed when on Sunday morning this happened...

We had a nice lie in and everything and he went to get the papers and was going to make us a nice breakfast, a lovely, lazy sunday morning. However, his friend from the flat upstairs pops in, as he always does (v annoying) with some weed, so dp instantly 'skins up' and they start smoking several joints. It is really strong and there is a smokey fog about the place, so I went and sat in another room.

I thought to myself: 'what the hell am I doing here!', so I decided to head home as a stoned dp is not what I wanted to be with. DP totally taken aback by me wanting to go home as he couldn't see he'd done anything wrong. I felt like he had put me on hold until he was ready to pick up the romantic sunday element again. I just didn't want to be treated like that, but he made me feel like I was being totally irrational and unreasonable and he couldn't see why I was peeved.

Anyway, I left and feel like something insurmountable has happened, don't think we can come to an agreement over this. Sorry if this is long and rambling, it's really on my mind and I don't know what I should do or if it's worth trying to move forward on this. Thank you all for listening and thank you in advance for any advice.

Hi Mhummy - I'm so hard up I find it hard to get out and about as much as I'd like to keep in touch with other friends and people I know well at work. I live away from my two best friends and we text and speak on the phoone but I miss them terribly.

"I don't yet know if he's doing this, though he does coke and E".

So its not just cannabis then.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?.
How have you ended up in a dead end situation like this; you certainly need a complete change of friends and scenary. You need to start moving in different circles. What do you do of a day?.

You patently don't have to be a sheep and be in the same position of these other girls you mention with their drugged up waster boyfriends. These people won't change, the hope for you is that you can see this is wrong and you can make a change for your own self.

Why drag yourself down?. You are not a sheep!!.

Have you told him how you feel?

Ooh, that's not good. No wonder you feel you will be lonely without him. Unfortunately by the sound of it you'll be lonely with him as well. These are not friends, they are fanatical co-hobbyists and their hobby happens to make them no fun to be around. You have the choice of watching them (boring!) or deciding to join in (unwise), turning yourself into another of the same sort of creature. Get out, and look for something better to do with your time. You must have met your DP somehow, unless you spent your whole life inside until he knocked on the door, so you can meet others - I'm not asking for the story, but if you go places you meet people. Or socialise via the net. (My brother met a fabulous group of people via a LiveJournal and they now spend many hilarious weekends together, going off to country houses, group shopping etc.) Your life should not depend on one man even if he was the nicest person on earth.

Annoyedabit, rather than just tell you to get the hell out now, which is what I'm rationally wanting to scream at you to do, however it's all well and good me sitting at this end of my laptop doling out well intentioned advice, though what I would suggest is that you try and find a support group in your area for people affected by other's using drugs.

I'm sorry but going on what you have said, it really does now sound like he has an addiction issue. I live in Ireland so am not up to speed with the support groups in the uk. I'm sure someone else here can point you in the right direction.

I'm not pretending for one minute that going this route is an easy one, but I've come through the other side and it really is worth it in the long run. You have taken a huge and very brave step by posting. And no doubt you will recieve plenty of encouragement and support here.

Hi Attila - you're right, I feel so lonely though that I'd rather know there are some pople out there who know my name (I wouldn't go so far as saying they care about me though). I guess those other girls must feel like me at times and despair about their boyfriends. Maybe they don't, I don't know!

I work full time and so does he.
He's younger than me though there are all ages within the group of friends. I'm 36 and he's 27. That speaks volumes doesn't it?

Annoyedbyiy I won't pretend that it is easy to meet new people, whether you are hard up or not. I find it quite hard because I am shy. But these people are not your friends and by spending time with them you are not using your time and energy to meet like-minded people who could genuinely care for you. That goes for your partner too.

You must breakaway from this group; you are too good for them and give you nothing back. You do yourself a grave injustice by doing yourself down like this.

Okay so you're 36 - well you're not pushing up the daisies yet!. You can do so much better for your own self; even around here (the back of beyond!).

What do you like doing, what did you do before you met him?. There are many social possibilities out there open to you but you're going to have to be really brave and find them because no-one else is going to do it for you.

If you go to the "Mumsnet stuff" section of this website there is a section called "Meet Ups". Most of these are free, there may even be one near you.

Thank you Attila, I guess I'm not over the hill yet, but I feel like it! My finances are dire and after all the bills have been paid there's not much left for a night out! Plus when meeting new people, I feel hideously over weight so just want to hide away. I'm making excuses now, if I was advising someone and they were like me, I'd tell them that size doesn't matter, it's who you are that does and that you can make friends anywhere and everywhere. I just feel like I've been here too many times and I'm too tired to go over it again and find someone new and face more heartbreak. Perhaps a bit of time to myself would help?
Thank you again all, you're really helping me, it's been a hard day, as I'm sure it has for you lot too. How do you stay so positive!

I don't stay positive the whole time annoyedalittlebit, otherwise I'd be a right royal pain in the arse! but and it's taken hard graft and determination. I make it a priority to look after myself, to treat myself to ways of making me happy, whether it be having a long soak in a bath with candles, listening to my favourite music. Watching comedy, going for walks.

Going to the cinema on my own is one I've taken up recently, I'm 40 btw, oh and most of all deciding that I'm not responsible for someone else's happiness, you'd be amazed at the weight that lifts off you when you try that.

Anyhoo, have to go out now but keep posting and well done for starting the thread.

Can I just say in this guy's defence that he has chosen a lifestyle which involves using recreational drugs, he manages to keep a regular job and there is no question over whether he mistreats Annoyedabit in anyway. In the same way as you or I may have a couple of glasses of wine or a cup of coffee etc he has a joint and a line of coke, it does not mean he is on his way to rehab or has any major misfunction. It just means he's chosing to get high quite a lot.

There are a lot of people of this generation who involve recreational drugs in their lives without ending up on smack or down and outs. They party for a few years and then move on. At his age its probably a really enjoyable part of his social life and if anything sounds like he's having a hell of a lot of fun.

Okay, his fun doesn't sounds like its your fun and I have never understood how people can be together when one is very into their class a's and dope and the other totally refrains and disaproves. How can you be sharing your lives when there is a whole massive side of his life you can't even begin to enter into.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him, he sounds like he's got a good social life and a really nice girlfriend.

Just as I think you sound like your a real nice girl who does have a lot of respect for herself, i.e. getting up and leaving when he chose to get high.

And the joint smoking is just a bit of a con, he'll eventually wake up and feel like a bit of a fool when he realises he's been sucked in by it all.

When he gets sick of the paranoia and the drain on his finances the dope will go and if not then he's a bit sad, probably with other issues.

And the class a's well he'll just get sick of the come downs, he might get a promotion at work and realise he can't spend monday to wednesday with his head up his arse. Or maybe he'll meet a nice girl who says - if you wanna be with me, you'll have to knock the partying on the head and he'll quite happily leave it all behind, with very hazy but pretty happy memories of his life on the raz!!!!

Hello Tryingfor two - this is why I'm so torn as he's such a nice person, just one who uses drugs recreationally. I feel like I should let him do this and not try and stop him as I knew all about it when I met him. I just feel that I underestimated how I would feel by it all and having fallen in love with him, I don't want to loose him but I don't know how to reconcile the two hims, if you know what I mean. He puts me second for much of the time and always makes sure we go somewhere where he can smoke or where he can score other stuff. There are so many things out there to do and go, I feel restricted and let him choose where we go - when I've taken him to other places 'my sort of places' he doesn't enjoy it. I have been tolerant and very understanding and allowing for so long, I've seen him throwing up and so out of it because of his usage - not attractive. What happened on Sunday was a turning point as he didn't factor me into the equation, the weed came first and I can guarantee that after I left, he smoked some more and just carried on as normal, whereas I went home upset and feeling second best to a drug.
When he's not smoking or snorting, he's so lovely, funny and kind. This is the man I love and if I let him go, I'll miss him so much. Sure he can hold down a day job, but can he hang onto a girlfriend?

Have you told him how you feel? Or does he just assume your alright with it as you've gone along with everything up and until now.

If I were you and was not into using Class a's or dope at all and was generally p'd off at his usage then I'd move on. You don't have to give him an ultimatum, you can just explain how it does nothing for you, it puts you off him and your not interested in hanging out with him when he's high.

There's not really much you can do other than that, unless of course you want to lock yourself into one of those - I'm never happy relationships as you both have totally different ideas on how to enjoy your time off. At your early stages I just don't see the point in that.

You never know, he might decide to knock it on the head for you. If your confident his love of you is as strong as your love for him then he'll surely give it up for you - or at least do it a lot less.

If its any hope to you, I know a few guys who have hung up their party shoes for a lady in their lives.

I also know a few who's girlfriens complain and bitch about it constantly but never do anything about it, i.e. leave if your unhappy and they are locked into very disfunctional relationships.

It sounds so full of sh*t, but if your happy with yourself then you'll find someone who will be happy with you, honestly, you really will. You don't have to put up with second best - just think mr right might be hanging about but you can't see him through the fog of smoke this guy's blowing around you!!!!!

And 7 months is about the right time for deciding whether or not the relationship is worth committing to, its not the time for feeling unhappy and unloved by the man your supposed to be loved by.

I think that what happened yesterday was the culmination of many months of feeling alone and let down by him. I said to him that he had made me feel second best and that any romance of the day couldn't continue (I don't say it so formally!) I said I just wanted to go home as he couldn't put me on hold and expect me to hang around while his smoking buddy and he got stoned. What I think I'll do is sit down with him and tell him why it happened and that how he makes me feel, he can ask me any questions if he wants to know more, maybe he'll just leave - I don't know what to expect!
I don't expect him to give it up for me as it is the biggest thing in his life and I know if he said he'd give it all up, he wouldn't. I don't think I have the right to change him in such a fundamental part of his life. I thought I could live with it but I know deep down I can't, something's got to give.
I've been in bad relationships in the past (unfaithful dh, unsuitable men, immature men, nice men who turned out to be horrible men, I could write a book!) and though they were all bad, the one good thing to come from them is as time goes on I can spot a bad situation quickly and get out of it as soon as possible. So, with this one, I wish he was as lovely as he can be more often and used drugs less, but this is his choice and I've just wandered into his life, maybe I'm not the one for him. I think I've forgotted what you originally asked me! I don't want to finish with him, but maybe it's the kindest thing for both of us. When he says to me he wants to stay with me forever, it makes me feel so good.

How long has he been smoking the weed?

He's been smoking since he was about 14. Other stuff since he was about 18. It's a big part of his life.
His previous girlfriend used to partake, I think.. he is very reluctant to talk about her so I don't know a lot about his previous relationship. Maybe his life long love is the weed?

Annoyedabit,

Re your comment:-
"I've been in bad relationships in the past (unfaithful dh, unsuitable men, immature men, nice men who turned out to be horrible men, I could write a book!) and though they were all bad, the one good thing to come from them is as time goes on I can spot a bad situation quickly and get out of it as soon as possible. So, with this one, I wish he was as lovely as he can be more often and used drugs less, but this is his choice and I've just wandered into his life, maybe I'm not the one for him. I think I've forgotted what you originally asked me! I don't want to finish with him, but maybe it's the kindest thing for both of us. When he says to me he wants to stay with me forever, it makes me feel so good".

Oh he's good at keeping you in line isn't he?. Its all designed to keep you in your place and plays also to your lack of self worth. What a creep he is.

If you don't fully love yourself then how can you possibly try and love another?. It doesn't work.

I think you have fallen into a very damaging rut regarding relationships and you're just drifting from one poor relationship to another. Something you will continue to do if you do not address the underlying issues within you as to why you choose poorly each time.

This current man of yours is not worth your time; you're supposed to be treated with respect, not being placed a dim and distant second to a drug habit which is ongoing (and perhaps heading out of control). You are both totally unsuited and want different things from life.

If you were to make him choose between you and the drugs he would choose the drugs (and his mates). Your love alone for him will not save and or rescue him from the drugs. He has to want to admit to himself that he has an issue and seek proper help for it. He has shown no signs of doing either to date. In answer to one of tryingfortwo's comments some of these people never get out of the drug taking issue. Why drag your own self down with him?.

I think who you need to look at here is you - why exactly are you choosing so poorly?. What do you look for in a man. Are you at heart looking for someone to rescue and or act as a saviour for?.

The above are very difficult questions to ask of yourself but you must ask yourself that. Your low self esteem and worth are magnets for such men who prey on such women and drag them down further. You are easy pickings for these individuals because you fall for their lines every single time.

You of course don't have to answer this but we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What did your parents teach you?.

I would suggest you seek counselling for yourself to work through your own lack of self worth and esteem; you need to talk to someone.

You may also want to read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Just a couple of thoughts.

Firstly, I'm not sure this is a dope issue per se, as in whether it's right or wrong -as a couple of people have said (and having smoked, ahem, a fair amount in the past) I can see how easy it is to get wrapped up in just getting caned and doing nothing. The bigger thing is him putting it before you. A comparable situation might be "we had agreed to have dinner out together but his friend came round and asked if he wanted to watch football down the pub, so we did that instead even though I didn't want to".

Secondly, and speaking as a guy, guys tend to be pretty thick about not realising that things are pissing off their g/f or wife unless it's spelled out in staples on their forehead. If you say to him, "yeah, that's okay, you get up and join your friend" he almost certainly thinks you're fine with it. If you're not fine with him doing it, tell him. Don't hint. Don't slink out. Say "I'd rather you didn't do that".

Thirdly, you're a bit into the relationship. In just about every relationship people make more of an effort at the start. First date, you're wearing fresh pants, a new haircut and new clothes. A year later and, well, those pants are probably a bit more grey and worn let's say. It doesn't make someone bad that they're not making as much effort at the start.

The question is, bearing this in mind, whether this is him being a bit stupid, a bit selfish and a bit thoughtless like guys can be from time to time (and indeed can girls) plus the fact that you're several months into the relationship OR whether it's the case that you will always be second to him smoking dope... that's a tough one. Not sure if this helps, but just a few thoughts.

Oh Atilla - there's a lot in there that's hard for me to handle. I'd be lying if I said what you wrote didn't hurt and make me want to not reply.
Am I choosing badly? I suppose I must be as nothing is working out. But am I really surrounded by happy, loving couples who stay together for ever and love everything about each other. I don't think so, so part of me wants to snatch a bit of happiness where I can find it while another part says 'you're better off without him' but then what happiness will I have? I'm just looking for someone to love and be loved by - who isn't? Who doesn't make bad choices along the way?
My parents were totally dysfunctional so I suppose it all comes down to them? I disagree as I am a good, kind person and both of them were full of resentment.
Thank you for your brutal honesty though, I am looking long and hard at myself today and it's hard.

It's been a gradual process that has recently really hit me and I wish I'd spotted the signs earlier.
Yes, at the start, he dressed nice but I know darned well that this stopped several months ago. I have encouraged him to buy new clothes, which he occasionally does, he bought something new on Saturday. However, I love dressing up and glamming up, so by him slobbing around in dope-burnt t-shirts, this was one fot he first things I felt dismayed about in our relationship. I put it to the back of my mind to see if things would work out though, clothes seemed such a trivial thing to argue about!
Plus, when, 2 months into our relationship and it was his birthday, he chose to go home early so he could smoke rather than stay out with me, so I did get an inkling he was a bit of a stoner. Do you know, just writing all these things down to you all, I feel so stupid in that I've been living in a blur these past months and not see so many things wrong.
I've been pre-occupied with some other things in my life too, so I haven't been able to give it all as much thought as I am today. A relative of mine was ill for several months and died last month, so I've been all over the place and not thinking about myself as much. It's hard when it hits like this...

Your last posts show that you're really thoughtful and self-aware, to have taken those comments on board as you did and not got defensive. You also sound as though you know it's time to get out of this.

But you talk as if you have to be in a relationship to be happy. This isn't true and it's an attitude that will lay you open to getting involved with uncaring or abusive men. I agree with you that this is a matter of your standards being too low not too high!

You aren't a drug user or smoker and you know it makes you unhappy to be around it. If as you say you've learned to get out more quickly these days, that's great - it is only a few months, I'd end it now. (IMO, the fact that he's that much younger and has a totally different lifestyle doesn't bode well anyway and TBH you sound worthy of someone much, much better!)

But next time, if you know someone is a heavy drinker, smoker or drug user, just don't go there. Ramp your standards up right now!

I was thinking about this yesterday and just couldn't work how I'd manage the loneliness? I've never been single for more than a few weeks since I was 18!

Can I just say again, thank you to everyone, I don't know how I'd have got through today without you being there with words of wisdom and viewpoints I'd never considered. You're a lovely lot x

Hi Annoyedabit,

Re your comments:-
"Oh Atilla - there's a lot in there that's hard for me to handle. I'd be lying if I said what you wrote didn't hurt and make me want to not reply".

But you did reply by writing this message and I take my hat off to you for doing so. Some people would not have responded.

"Am I choosing badly? I suppose I must be as nothing is working out. But am I really surrounded by happy, loving couples who stay together for ever and love everything about each other. I don't think so, so part of me wants to snatch a bit of happiness where I can find it while another part says 'you're better off without him' but then what happiness will I have? I'm just looking for someone to love and be loved by - who isn't?"

Your low self esteem and worth is certainly not helping you here in choosing someone who is truly worthy of you. Why settle for just a little bit of so called happiness when you could actually find happiness or a state of such in a relationship where you actually feel both valued, respected and cherished for just being you?.

"Who doesn't make bad choices along the way?

Not many people don't but some people do make better long term relationship choices than others. I would say that based on my own circle of friends the ones with the poorer senses of self worth and esteem have certainly had more relationship problems.

"My parents were totally dysfunctional so I suppose it all comes down to them? I disagree as I am a good, kind person and both of them were full of resentment".

You certainly are a good and kind person and your writings are intelligent. You have been through a lot to date. You made a decision not to be full of resentment unlike your parents whereas you could have easily continued that part of the cycle.

What I am saying though re your parents is that you both saw and taught subconsciously a lot of damaging stuff regarding relationships (particularly as you describe them as dysfunctional) and that will need to be unlearnt. We as children learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. This is why I asked the question, "what did your parents teach you?".

"Thank you for your brutal honesty though, I am looking long and hard at myself today and it's hard".

You're very welcome. My counsel is always written with good intent. Looking long and hard at your own self does not mean that you've failed - far from it. It take a brave person in my book to realise that and put their hands up.

Do read that book I wrote of and consider some counselling.

I wish you well.

Snowleopard's posting is a very wise and succinct one. I hope those words also sink in.

I think you need to learn who annoyedbyit really is - I don't think she fully knows. I think you need to spend some time alone to find out who you really are and what you really want rather than being in a relationship partly due to a fear of being lonely if you are not.

There is a world of difference between being alone and being lonely and at present you are likely feeling both.

You will likely find someone truly worthy of you when you least expect it. But you need to learn to truly love your own self first.