I'm tired of stoners

[Annoyedbyit]

Have been seeing my dp for 7 months, I knew he was a 'smoker' (and other things) when I started seeing him, so I feel I don't have much of a reason to be peeved, however, I would very much appreciate a bit of advice.

I don't smoke or take any sort of illegal drugs, just my choice and I don't judge those that do as it's simply their choice. When he comes to my house, he smokes his weed outside as I don't even smoke cigarettes and it wold make my house smell. He doesn't object to this.

I stayed at his place on Saturday night as he had the house to himself (flatmate away), so I was really annoyed when on Sunday morning this happened...

We had a nice lie in and everything and he went to get the papers and was going to make us a nice breakfast, a lovely, lazy sunday morning. However, his friend from the flat upstairs pops in, as he always does (v annoying) with some weed, so dp instantly 'skins up' and they start smoking several joints. It is really strong and there is a smokey fog about the place, so I went and sat in another room.

I thought to myself: 'what the hell am I doing here!', so I decided to head home as a stoned dp is not what I wanted to be with. DP totally taken aback by me wanting to go home as he couldn't see he'd done anything wrong. I felt like he had put me on hold until he was ready to pick up the romantic sunday element again. I just didn't want to be treated like that, but he made me feel like I was being totally irrational and unreasonable and he couldn't see why I was peeved.

Anyway, I left and feel like something insurmountable has happened, don't think we can come to an agreement over this. Sorry if this is long and rambling, it's really on my mind and I don't know what I should do or if it's worth trying to move forward on this. Thank you all for listening and thank you in advance for any advice.

God Attilla - you are so so right.
I have been 'enabling' dp for so long now, reading your last post is actually quite scary - were you looking in my window this weekend?
DP fell off the wagon (not that he was ever seriously 'on' it) Friday / Saturday and was hideous. After a huge barny in front of the kids I finally snapped and threw him out for good this time - or until he gets help.
ABI - stick to your time limit and don't make excuses for his lapses like I have.
I know what you mean about them being so lovable when not on the drugs / booze and I know how hard it is believe me but look after yourself. Don't let him drag you down.
Good luck.

I'm feeling a bit lost for words after reading your messages, I just don't think I can 'make' him leave his drug friends. I fear I'd become The One who tore him away from his friends and he'd resent me, possibly lie to me about seeing them and use on the sly, which after this weekend he did do, before he smoked in front of me.

Ginned up - ((((hugs))) I can't bear to think what you're going through. What's going to happen?

Atilla - I don't want to leave him because (cue cliche) I love him. I want to be with him, I want to make a future with him. I can't switch off my feelings for him. He started using when he was a teenager and has been using ever since to varying degrees and I don't think a day has gone by (until recently) that he didn't smoke. When he stopped using a couple of weeks ago, this was the first time he had ever done it, so it could be because I'm around and am showing him there is a way of living without using, I'm the ONLY person in his social group that doesn't use, if I leave him to it, he'll sink deeper. I don't want to leave him - god, he's just sent me a lovely text as I was writing this - now, I'm crying because I was writing about how I don't want to leave him, leaving him is not an option. Oh god, what can be worse than being at work, at yor desk and crying? Going to go for a bit...

Annoyedbyit,

Ahh that old chestnut indeed - but "I love him". I put it to you - does he know what love actually is?. He is not showing you the same consideration at all.

What is there to love about him exactly, I think you need to take a very long and hard look at your own self here. What are you getting from this relationship, what needs of your own are being met?. What emotional needs of your own are trying to be met here?. He makes you feel special and or wanted?. You need to make YOU feel special and wanted. You cannot rescue him and or save him from his demons. With all due respect to you if you really want to help him you'd let him go. You are not a trained drugs counsellor, as his g/f you are too emotionally involved to be able to help him properly. If he loved you he would say that he needs his own time, space whatever to go into rehab and work on why he's using to start with. He has shown no signs from your writings of doing this, he hasn't even come close to doing this. This man has not even managed three weeks without going back to a substance of some sort or associating with druggie friends. A long term drug habit is not going to be wiped out overnight or even in the short term.

He's sending you nice texts; why can't he properly talk to you on the phone?. C'mon text messaging is not proper communication is it?.

You want to make a future with him - why?. Can you truly say that he wants the same thing as you do?. He is not emotionally strong enough currently to handle a relationship. The drugs are in the way.

You are running a high risk of setting your ownself up for a huge emotional drop; one from which it will take you a long time to recover from. I also think you were somewhat vulnerable to begin with.

As for your argument, "if I leave him to it he'll sink deeper" do you not think he's already up to his neck in drug abuse already?. What difference realistically are you going to make to his life in terms of his drug addiction?. If he sinks deeper its up to him, he has made a conscious choice here. You cannot act as his enabler. Do you really think he will change because of you - NO. That is because he has to want to change for his own self and you cannot do it for him.

I again ask where's your own support here - he is in no position to support you. You need to also talk with someone impartial - I would suggest you seek counselling for your own self.

You wrote once that his social world was yours in that you have no friends of your own. Is that still the case?. How and why did you get here, this is why I am saying you need to work on your own self image and worth because it sounds to me like it very poor indeed. If finances are a problem, look into getting another job, take a second job. Seek help for any debts you may have from the CAB. Trite perhaps but its one way forward. Work on your own emotional self too.

Annoyedbyit

When you first started posting you were upset but had hope that you could move on. Now it is all about how you have to stay with your DP. I really wish you could get some professional advice on this because it looks to me like you are being pushed down a very unhappy path

Atilla - I feal so worn down by reading your replies, I feel guilty as hell for thinking I'm keeping his drug use going because I think I'm the only one who is showing him that it's not normal to smoke weed before breakfast and that it is possible to have a good time without cocaine. I love him and I can't switch that off. He is a kind, caring, funny, interesting, lovely man but I guess I'm only seeing half of him. Why is it so wrong for me to support him? I can't imagine I'd say to him, 'I love you but we must finish it, come and see me when you're clean' why would I not be there for him through good or bad?

Can I ask - have you been through something similar as you have strong views (not in any way a complaint about you), which must come from some sort of experience.
I know I'm not trained to deal with this, but isn't that life? It doesn't come with an instruction manual and I'm not the sort to give up easily. I want to make it work if I can and if not, at least I'll know I gave it my best shot.

About the text: yes, we do speak, but we also send each other nice texts throughout the day.

He says he loves me and I'm inclined to believe him as when we're together, it's so good. I know you'll say this is another old chestnut but really, who here has a perfect 100% all the time rosy relationship? Who doesn't give and take a bit?

I don't have many friends as I'm permanently skint (working on this though) and I don't mind my own company, I'm quite shy and though I do meet new people say through work, I find it hard to maintain friendships, always have done. I'm not the sort of person who needs people around them all the time. It's just how I am. I do feel lonely sometimes, but I've had a bit of a hard year (death of a close relative, sorting out all their business afterwards), so there's been enough to take up my emotional thought. My closest friends live away, but I speak with them regularly and I have told one of them about dp's problem, so they are there to support me if I need them. I find that talking on here is best though as it's anonymous and there are people who have gone through similar things.

Sorry Atilla if I sound like I'm not listening to you, I am.

Hello Nine - When I wrote the op, I was annoyed about how he'd been putting the drugs before me, now lots of posters are suggesting that I should finish with him as I'm keeping his habit going, I feel very despondant as I don't want to leave him. I understand he needs a professional to help him in getting and staying clean and also in getting to the root of his drug use but over the past weeks I have realised that my love for him is deep. I just can't ignore how I feel for him. He says he loves me too, why should I throw it away?
It's not just a case of 'should I stay or should I go', I can't switch off my feelings.
He's only slipped up this weekend, I will give him the chance to stay clean, but if he doesn't take it, I suppose I have to end it as we want different things.
I am so confused.

I'm not surprised you are confused. I really feel for you. Are you looking after yourself at the moment, because what you are going through is tough.

How would you feel about changing your ultimatum from "I will leave you if you take drugs" to "I will leave you unless you agree for us to have professional help with this"? Then you would be able to work through your feelings with someone who is impartial and knows what they are talking about, and he would get the support he needs to change his lifestyle completely.

I think his and your recent experiences show how much harder it is for someone deeply entrenched in the drugs scene to just give it up when they decide to. He is probably shocked at how hard he is finding it and is wondering whether he really wants to.

Spot on Nineunlikelytales, I think he is questioning whether he has rushed into something impossible (giving up drugs) and when he sees his friends all getting down to it, I think he feels like he has nothing in common with them and also they keep asking him why he is staying off the drugs (so annoying as it's so personal for him). I think they are counting the days until he turns up round one of their houses with a big stash and announces he's back in business. I don't have a very high opinion of some of them. They are the true enablers, in my opinion.

His whole world has changed in the past few weeks, he is seeing alot of things differently, he went to a party at a friend's out of town and said he wanted to go to bed early (well about 2ish), so did and people kept coming into the room to take coke and see if he wanted any (I believe him when he says he didn't have any) and he said he found it a little trying and they were being loud idiots until about 7.30 in the morning. Normally he would have played a part in that. He is questioning a lot of things at the moment and wondering if he should go back to what he knows or go into the unknown. Don't forget, he has smoked every day for years and years.

I like the idea of getting him to speak with a professional after all, they will have seen this happening many times over and can advise him correctly. Because I feel so confused, I think it is the wrong time for me to make any hard and fast decisions, though I am wanting to do the right thing.

Annoyedbyit

Yes to your question and I do have strong views on this for good reason.

I have stated to you all along you cannot do this on your own, you both need professional help - him to get off the drugs and you as well in terms of having support. He is in no position to support you currently. Where on earth is your support?. You're carrying such a heavy burden; a burden that could well drag you down in the process if you're not careful. He is indeed entrenched in this whole drugs scene and still associates with these people. Short of completely changing his lifestyle he is never going to be free of it.

He has seemingly shown no willingness as yet to speak to a professional; did he really believe that he could get clean without any professional help at all?. I repeat you as his g/f cannot truly help him in the way that he needs because you are too emotionally involved. He also needs to do this for himself; not just because you've come into his life and disapproved of his drugs usage.

What makes me sad as well is that you are so worth so much more than all this pain but you cannot see it. Love is truly blind in your case.

Annoyedbyit,

re your comment:-
"He says he loves me and I'm inclined to believe him as when we're together, it's so good. I know you'll say this is another old chestnut but really, who here has a perfect 100% all the time rosy relationship? Who doesn't give and take a bit?"

No-one at all (including me!) has a 100% perfect relationship and we all have to give and take BUT there's a whole world of difference between a healthy functional relationship and one that is not. Whose doing all the taking here - him. You're doing all the giving and getting nothing back. Your relationship is akin to an emotional rollercoaster - when its good its very good but when its bad its horrid and you get very upset and confused by him. Neither of you currently can properly support the other - can you at least see that?.

Where do you see yourself in six months time?.

Actually, I'd like to offer a different perspective, one as a recovering alcoholic. Atilla, I can see where you are coming from but the dynamics of human relationships are very complex, there's not always a one-size-fits-all approach like you lay down.

In fact, my DP has been crucial to my recovery, sticking by me when I have had relapses. Recovery is a gradual process - a day at a time - and I think annoyedbyit's DP has done very well to have managed to give up for that period with out any support. I definitely don't think it signifies that their relationships is doomed yet: most of my relapses were important learning experiences for me.

I do agree that he has to do it for himself and some form of support would be helpful. I am a member of AA, which is absolutely vital for me to remain sober and well. Similarly, NA may be able to help your DP annoyedbyit? Here's their website here.

Once we give up the substances, the biggest issue for me was (and is) dealing with my emotions, and coping with life on life's terms. Fellowships like AA and NA offer a recovery programme for addicts which provides us with a design for living.

However, not everyone who partakes in heavy drinking or drug use will be addicted like me, and ABI's DP may find it easy enough one he has broken the pattern to remain straight and sober after a while. Similarly, not everyone who is a bottom-end drunk or addict will have had a catastrophic event to trigger their addiction. It's sometimes a bit of a red-herring...I just had to accept that I am an alcoholic because I am. It's in my make-up. That's it.

So, I suppose what I am saying is that we can't really assign their relationship to the scrapheap. That's a decision for ABI really. She must be getting something out of it too: love is a difficult thing to walk away from and I'm glad my DP stuck by me. I've been sober for quite a while now, and I'm supported by a strong network of sober friends and people who believe in me.

I wish you well annoyedbyit, and hope things work out for you. You sound to me you have enough self-awareness and only you can determine the outcome.

Brilliant post Kokeshi, it really struck a chord with me. I hope I can be as strong as your dp and I can help him through.

We have a great life now. Thing is, none of us know what's going to happen in the future, all we have is the day in hand.

Enjoy each day and wring every bit of happiness and contentment you can get out of it.

Take care.

I sincerely hope you can make it as well ABI but if it goes wrong you will ultimately need to walk away for your own sake. You can only save your own self ultimately and you are not responsible for someone else's actions.

I know, it's important that he changes if he wants to, I know I can't make him change. That's why when I wrote the op, I was so sad because I wanted him to change i.e. stop using, but he didn't see it.

I do believe you are in control of your own destiny, no one elses as you never truly know what's in their head nor them you.
I will, will, will walk away if he goes back to the drugs at the rate he was using previously, the few weeks he's been off them, he's experienced life with a clear head for the first time since a teenager, it must be pretty weird for him!

I see the toughest times as when he is stressed and would normally reach for weed, when he is at a night out/in when there's coke and speed about as this is synonnymous (sp?) with letting his hair down and having a good time, and also when he is bored as he'll think of what he could be doing instead (drugs). Is it some sort of brain re-training that he needs (sorry, I know that's the wrong term, I don't know the right one, something cognitive??) like AA teach on the 12 step programme? Taking one day at a time, or even taking it an hour at a time if it's really bad?
Thank you all for your help, you're all brilliant x

Just to qualify that - I mean if he goes back to using heavily. I will deal with slip ups if they happen. I hope they don't but I want to be realistic.

"That's why when I wrote the op, I was so sad because I wanted him to change i.e. stop using, but he didn't see it".

That must have been a very sad realisation for you.

I still stand by this earlier comment I made though:-

It is important that you never protect a loved one from this type of crisis because you may be keeping them from finding the treatment that they need for their addiction problem.

Do not protect him, make him see the consequences of his actions. If you want to continue to support then you must ensure that you do not unintentionally (because it will be unintentional) use your love for him to enable him.

Hi Annoyedabit

Have been thinking about you over the last couple of weeks so glad you have updated on whats been going on.

As already stated by me I think Attila is very hardline - from her own personal experience this makes sense, however, as Kokeshi has made clear there are varying stages of drug use and abuse and no one size fits all.

I am interested to know whether your boyfriend believes he has a problem? Or is he just stopping to keep you happy?

I think if he really thinks he has a problem and is genuine in his desire to stop taking stuff he would remove himself from partying for a while. I just don't think its possible to do it - it would be like me going and sitting in McDonalds every couple of days when I was trying to loose weight - actions not supporting words. Maybe I've read your posts wrong but it sounds like he's been to different parties each weekend since supposedly stopping.

I am far from agreeing with everything Attila writes but I do think she has a good point regarding addressing your own needs etc. What has lead you to "fall in love" with this guy? It certainly didn't sound like the first flush of love was much good in terms of giving you what you were looking for.

I just don't understand what you get out of a relationship with a heavy stoner/recreational drug user when you obviously hate them. Hardly sounds like he's swept you off your feet. Don't you think you deserve to be swept off your feet. Of course there are no perfect relationships but most good lasting ones at least start off well and go down hill, yours seems to have started at the bottom of the hill.

Please please please listen to what Attila is saying, if she hadn't already written what she had I wouyld have written it.

I went out with a stoner for four years. Didn't know at the begining. Then tried everything under the sun, giving ultimatums, compromising (only with friends, only at the weekend etc.) but it still just got worse and worse in terms of the quantity he was smoking. In the end he became a dealer just to fund his habit (this was after having DD when I had taken over control of all money)and beofre having DD I joined in as it was easier to be a part of it then be isolated (this was weakness on my part obviously). As a dealer he made NO money as he smoked all the profits (a huge amount of weed to get through) and we always had at least a kilo of the stuff in the house (again, a huge amount to have lying around) and everyone who came round was a customer and also a mate.

He promised loads of times to quit, but always ended up starting again secretly and then I would find out (lots of telltale signs to look out for!) and we'd argue etc. He did get agressive too if he didn't smoke so in the end for me I would rather he was smoking and nice then not smoking and being agressive).

Anyway, sorry for long post but in the end I did leave him and looking back on it wonder why the hell I didn't do it sooner. I was afraid of being alone and also knew he depended on me and saw this as love. It isn't. I was acting s his replacement mother that's all.

I've since become a much stronger person and value myself much more and have much more self-esteem. I'm not excusing any of his behavious as being the result of the weed, it was just part of his personality, but it is easy to end up in this kind of relationship and I can see myself in the early days in some of your posts. Don't end up like this PLEASE.

I agree FF. I know Attilla comes over as harsh, but she talks sense and often says what we don't want to hear, which is actually what a true friend should do.
The more we make excuses for them and try to accommodate their habit, the less likely they are to stop.

how are you ABI ??

Hello LST - really good to hear from you.
Things are both good and bad. I've stayed off the thread because I'm ashamed to say that he is creeping back more and more to the weed. He smoked about two/three evenings last week, then again at a friend's party (a druggy friend no less), then he came to my house on Sunday and asked if I'd mind if he smoked. I feel very down about it as I fear the worst and that he is slipping back into his old ways. I don't know what to do, despite all the sound advice given to me here.
As far as I know, he hasn't done anything harder (coke/speed/e) so maybe weed is just his drug of choice and that's how it will always be for him. It's becoming clearer that I have to stand up for myself and how I feel about it, though I fear if I do it now, he will think I'm being nagging, he's 'just' had a few joints, not the end of the world, but I know that it's whenever he is around his frineds that he finds it hard to say no. When he wanted to smoke at mine, I could already smell it on his breath when he came round, so I know he had been smoking earlier in the day (with his friends).

Sorry LST - I bet you didn't want to hear all this and I am braced for a big, bad barrage of everyone saying they could see it coming. Please be easy on me. I'm deciding what to do. He hasn't had coke, just weed, he has told me about it and I can pinpoint his weak times, as can he: when he is with his friends. Maybe we can take this and make it help him in giving up? We have something definite to go on.

Atilla - I know what you're going to say, please try and see it from my side a little though. I mean that last comment kindly.

Atilla - I know what you're going to say, please try and see it from my side a little though. I mean that last comment kindly".

Well at least you remember me!.

I am not in the business of saying there there; this is too serious a problem for banding about bland platitudes.

I will reiterate - I don't doubt that you love him but your love for him is not enough and you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. This is one relationship truth; the other is you cannot act as their rescuer/enabler/saviour.

You can help your own self but you cannot help him no matter how much you want to.

You want to help him - you walk away from him and let him sort his own self out. Again there are no guarantees that he will but that's up to him.

He is an adult and is also ultimately not your responsibility. Also you need to face the fact that yet again he has chosen drugs over you.

He makes a conscious choice to mix still with his friends; no-one else forces him to do so.

ABI, I am so sorry.

in the end I think you have to acept that this IS his choice. It is HIS life and he chooses to do this. He may love you, but he loves weed more.

My H came round on Sunday and told me then that he had been more afraid of living life without using cannabis than of losing his wife, 3 kids, home, all financial support, friends and family.

Its not an easy thing to admit to, but this stuff is pernicious and using becomes the only real thing there is.

You have a choice too. You can stay and put up with it or you can go. I know you are not yet at the point where you can accept that - I was not for many years. Eventually you will get there. That MAY make him stop - especially if by then you have a family. Or it may not........

I really feel for you. Please feel free to e-mail me [email protected] if you would like to.

very best wishes

lst x