I'm tired of stoners

[Annoyedbyit]

Have been seeing my dp for 7 months, I knew he was a 'smoker' (and other things) when I started seeing him, so I feel I don't have much of a reason to be peeved, however, I would very much appreciate a bit of advice.

I don't smoke or take any sort of illegal drugs, just my choice and I don't judge those that do as it's simply their choice. When he comes to my house, he smokes his weed outside as I don't even smoke cigarettes and it wold make my house smell. He doesn't object to this.

I stayed at his place on Saturday night as he had the house to himself (flatmate away), so I was really annoyed when on Sunday morning this happened...

We had a nice lie in and everything and he went to get the papers and was going to make us a nice breakfast, a lovely, lazy sunday morning. However, his friend from the flat upstairs pops in, as he always does (v annoying) with some weed, so dp instantly 'skins up' and they start smoking several joints. It is really strong and there is a smokey fog about the place, so I went and sat in another room.

I thought to myself: 'what the hell am I doing here!', so I decided to head home as a stoned dp is not what I wanted to be with. DP totally taken aback by me wanting to go home as he couldn't see he'd done anything wrong. I felt like he had put me on hold until he was ready to pick up the romantic sunday element again. I just didn't want to be treated like that, but he made me feel like I was being totally irrational and unreasonable and he couldn't see why I was peeved.

Anyway, I left and feel like something insurmountable has happened, don't think we can come to an agreement over this. Sorry if this is long and rambling, it's really on my mind and I don't know what I should do or if it's worth trying to move forward on this. Thank you all for listening and thank you in advance for any advice.

Annoyedabit, being on your own does not make you lonely, being with careless thoughtless creeps make you lonely.

And 7 months is still early days - certainly not time for slipping into comfy grey pants and bombered old t-shirts. God, your only just falling in love still.

Whenever I hear people talking about how awful the first few months are I just want to shout - GET OUT NOW!!! its not that things go downhill its just that when it is right it is just the most amazing brilliant time the falling in love bit, its exciting, you feel like your walking on air and just feel amazing, that's why people aim for true love cos it feels great - not for what you have with mr dopehead.

I don't buy the anyone who does drugs has a drug problem just as I don't think anyone who has a glass of wine has a drink problem. But, YOU don't like drugs - why you with a guy who loves them?

You should get single and enjoy being single - what are you hobbies, interests? What do you like to do with your time off?

You said earlier you don't have much of a social circle outwith mr loser - what can you do to widen that - what do you have locally.

Annoyedbyit your statement "I've never been single for more than a few weeks since I was 18!" says a lot. Are you rushing from one relationship to another just out of fear of loneliness? Don't you like your own company, or do you feel that any man is better than none?

My SIL was like you in that she never had a break between relationships (sometimes they overlapped, ahem!) and the quality control was not there. She made a conscious decision not to get involved with anyone for 6 months and lo and behold, after about 9 months she met her current partner and they have been very happy for 4 years...a record for her! She found that she actually enjoyed being single as it gave her the chance to meet people as friends.

Hello everyone - here's the latest! DP called me last night and I said I thought we should meet for a chat (that terrifying phrase!) on Tuesday (today). He asked what about and so I came out with it. I really didn't want to do it over the phone but out it came. It was really hard, he denied he had done anything wrong and infuriatingly, threw back two previous arguments at me, but his version of events, I swear was NOT how things happened. I felt like I was fighting a loosing battle as he was constantly saying that I was a 'control freak'. I asked him to give me an example of the control freakery, but he couldn't.

The call ended with us saying that we need to talk face to face, so we're meeting tonight to talk it through in a hopefully calm manner. Hardly slept at all last night!

He just can't see why his behaviour on Sunday (the weed smoking on our romantic morning) upset me and each time he just threw other stuff back at me, avoiding answering any difficult questions.

Anyway, I don't feel very confident that tonight's chat will go well, he's hard to get through to and talks over me all the time, so it will be a battle to get my point of view across, thoughI will try to.

I'm going to think today about what I want (have been thinking about this all night) and try and get some clarity.

Thank you all for listening. x

Annoyedabit

please please leave him.
I started out like you, seing a nice guy who smoked a bit. I didnt do drugs tho' I like a drink, didnt really like his weed habit, but turned a blind eye. thought he would 'change', thought when the kids came he wouldnt want them exposed to cannabis etc etc
today I am a single parent of 3 kids having chucked out my violent (yes, his paranoia eventially became physical violence to my children )drug addicted, unemployed, waste-of-space husband.
sorry to those who think a bit of weed is a hrmless thing - for some people it may be- bt to a lot it becomes the reason for living; the relationship with drugs is far far more importnat than any other.
you sound like and intelligent, thoughtful, considerate lovely woman. You are worth so, so much more.
It is better to walk alone than badly acompanied

good luck

So how did the chat go?

Hello - well, he came round to my place and announced he was giving up everything - all drugs: weed, coke, E and also, he was giving up drinking! I didn't prompt this at all, he just blurted it out before I said anything.
Don't know how I should feel about this, I'm getting a sense of unease about it as even though I will support him through it, I don't think it's a sustainable thing he's embarking upon as it's a total lifestyle change. We'll see though as I've decided to stay with him. Sorry if this flies in the face of all the fantastic advice you've given me, I just think I have it in me to give him another chance. I just hope you don't find me upset on this board again crying that it's all gone wrong!

Sorry to come across as harsh but if you don't think its a sustainable thing then why on earth have you decided to give him another chance?. Are you a glutton for punishment, it sounds like he's told you exactly what you want to hear. Its very manipulative on his part.

If you really want to help him you would let him go totally, not support him.

This is what I mean when I say you need to work on your own self to determine exactly why you continue to make what turn out to be poor relationship choices.

And if you do come back saying that its all gone wrong, you will hopefully get a sympathetic reception but if it keeps going wrong with him and you're coming up with the same old excuses each time people will lose interest.

"I just think I have it in me to give him another chance".

You are NOT his rescuer and or saviour. You cannot save someone who ultiamtely may not want to be saved.

It's just that when he's not high, he's such an amazing person, I can't bear to think of never seeing this part of him again. We're having a bit of time apart this weekend, so I'm going to see how that goes.
Just say if he does give up the drugs for good? I'd never know if I finished with him, I think he deserves this chance to see if he does what he says he's going to.
I do feel weak and stupid, but I really don't think I have the strength in me to face the other option: to finish with him. If I let him go, who will look out for him and get him home when he's off his face? Who will appreciate him when he's not stoned or high and tell him what a wonderful person he is without the drugs. There is no balance in his life, all his friends take copious amounts of drugs, so they keep each other and themselves going with their own approval. I'm the only person who tells him he's ok and doens't need to get out of it all the time.
I'm being totally open and honest with you all on here and I know it sounds like I'm being his saviour but I love him and I think that if I support him, he may be able to be himself more.

Maybe he has decided to stop them all, see how things pan out - as i said before I know quite a few guys who have more or less given all their recreational drug use up for the girl in their life. They might partake now and again but in the main they were quite happy to give it up and didn't find it hard at all. it depends whether he's got an addiction or just partying too hard. Plenty people are happy to knock it on the head when something more important comes into their lives - or someone.

I also know quite a lot of girls who have done it too. In fact, its not such a big deal, its not necessarily a case of "giving it up" its just a part of growing up.

it depends what your happy to put up with yourself. It sounds like drug use by him is not something your willing to tolerate so you now have to stand by your words and finish it entirely if his drug use continues.

Who did those things for him before? He survived without you before you knew him. I do recognise this feeling but you're being like a parent to him, not a partner. He's an adult and it's not your job to prop him up and tell him how great he is and get him home when he's in a state. That's what you do for a 4-year-old. It's his job not to be like that.

I would have a temporary separation and say you would love to try again in a month or two when he has been totally sober for a while. That way, if he does it, it will be because he can grow up and do it for himself, not because you're constantly there to buffer him.

"If I let him go, who will look out for him and get him home when he's off his face? Who will appreciate him when he's not stoned or high and tell him what a wonderful person he is without the drugs".

He is ultimately not your responsiblity. You are not his Mother. If you really want to help him you would let him go and let his own self sort himself out. He should not be using you as an emotional crutch.

"There is no balance in his life, all his friends take copious amounts of drugs, so they keep each other and themselves going with their own approval. I'm the only person who tells him he's ok and doens't need to get out of it all the time.
I'm being totally open and honest with you all on here and I know it sounds like I'm being his saviour but I love him and I think that if I support him, he may be able to be himself more".

You cannot help anyone unless they want to help their own selves. You will likely end up very disappointed. He needs to move away from everybody who enables him. That includes your good self.

So he gets a drug support worker/parent and what do you get out of this arrangement?

If it were me I would establish some very firm boundaries. Like are you prepared to tolerate one relapse, two, three? A bit of weed smoking but no coke? A few drinks but no getting drunk? And how are you going to police him?

Do you appreciate how hard this is going to be for both of you? He will probably have to change his social group and start a totally different lifestyle. You will probably end up being his crutch. That's not the same as being someone's partner/lover.

Maybe you should consider having some counselling or join al-anon?

I would let him go and concentrate instead on your own self.

I would in this regard suggest counselling for your own self. You need for your own sake to determine exactly why you continue to make what turn out to be poor relationship choices. Your lack of self esteem/worth along with an inbult need to be a rescuer are your downfalls.

I come back to my original question to you - what did your parents teach you about relationship?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

There's some harsh comments here. The guy is willing to give it all up for you annoyedbyit and you seem to love him so at least give him a chance. Everyone deserves a chance. It's amazing what people will do to keep a loved one in their life. I speak from similar experience here.
You're not weak. Don't give up on him just yet. Let him try and prove himself to you first.

I went out with a stoner when I was 16 for 9 months and it was just total pants.
I never dated another one.

Sometimes I would get stood up with no call or anything and it would be because he got stoned and fell asleep instead.
Also because he was only 16/17 and repeating the last 2 years of school he had no money of his own and always had the stuff 'on tick' and was always getting the sh!t beaten out of him.

Different to your situation I know, as your bloke is much older, but for me, the whole 9 months was a total waste of time as he never changed, although he always said he would stop doing it.

becsta1 but actions speak louder than words. If he gives it up then great but I know of so many people who were going to 'give it all up' but then didn't/couldn't.

Actions do speak louder than words. If this poster really wants to help then my argument is that he should seek help without any contact/support from her good self. He needs to do this for his own self and with proper help.

She could likely end up very disappointed not just to say heartbroken if or when he relapses.

I hear you nineunlikelytales, but he may have had the kick up the bum he's been needing and come to the realisation he wants more from life. Then again, maybe he hasn't but he shoud be given a chance if the relationship is at stake. I successfully gave up weed after smoking for 14 years and haven't touched in for a year. That's not to say I won't do it on the odd occasion socially in the future. There are many people that can indulge without it ruling their lives. Some people can do it, some can't, but give the guy a go. That way Annoyedbyit can walk away know she gave him a chance.

I do want to see if he means what he says. As it was totally his idea to give up, maybe he wanted to previously but felt under pressure as all his friends do it? I didn't give him an ultimatum, he just came out with it, so I'll see if what he says will happen does. If it doesn't then I will leave him. We don't live together and I'm so glad about that as I always have my own space to escape to.
After thinking all this week that maybe I should finsih with him, I feel kind of prepared if it does happen, even though it would be hard.
Maybe we can make it through and if not, at least I'll know I gave it my best shot.

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Hi GUM

Glad to read that things are looking up for you these days. Looks like you stuck to your ultimatum.

My take on all this is that such people have to truly want to help their own selves apart from just realise that they do have a problem. I hope this change of heart is because he realises that he has a problem and will lose annoyedbyit if he does not change. Why use her though as a crutch at all?. With all due respect to annoyedbyit she is presumably not at all trained in dealing with such issues. Do they both fully realise the enormity of what is being proposed here and what if he does relapse?. This will need a sea change of attitude on his part and a complete and permanent withdrawal from all his druggie friends. If he is truly serious then he would leave her until he is fully clean.

(Haven't read whole thread, by the way)

Annoyedbyit, if you stay with him, this is what will happen and he will be bewildered each time you are annoyed by it. Eventually he will be peed off each time you are annoyed by it and sometime you will find that you are not having a lot to do with each other. I've seen it happen time after time after time.

The only time I have not seen it happen is when you are NOT annoyed by it. That is the only way you avoid the inevitable end of your relationship with this man.

The choice is yours: accept it and stop being annoyed by it; follow the path leading to (usually hugely acrimonious) break up. It really is up entirely up to you.

Do you have kids? (Not his, presumably!)

Much sympathy to you. It will be a harder decision to make the longer you leave it, though.

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